The Fragile
by Chel88
Summary: Trying to forget his past, he wanted nothing to do with anyone and felt there was no hope. She was shy,hiding a dark truth from everyone. Everything would unknowingly change the moment they met. Could either of them be saved? Or was it too late? AH/OOC
1. Paint It Black

**A/N: Alright guys, this story is pretty different than anything I have written thus far and I want to thank you all in advance for even giving it a chance! **

**Oh, there's also a link on the profile for the playlist for this story. Every chapter will be a song title and you all are more than welcome to listen to those songs as you read each chapter. This chapter's song is 'Paint it Black' by the Rolling Stones. **

**Enjoy!**

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**_**Prologue**_

The screams were overwhelming. I wanted nothing more than to walk in there to tell them to shut the hell up. But I knew that probably wouldn't go over very well. Given my current status with them.

I tried to block out their yells, leaning my head against the wall and shutting my eyes tight. As I did, I was only able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

"With all due respect….should've seen the signs…when someone….the results…"

"..no idea what you're saying….nothing's wrong…perfect, our perfect…"

"…sick...self infliction…hurting…virtually alone…not to mention the guilt and grief…"

"…nonsense…you don't think that we would've seen…"

_Think! There has to be something that will tell you…_

And then it hit me. Unfolding the piece of paper that I had stuffed in my pocket when I first got here , I reread it again, scanning over a few particular words that I failed to notice before.

"…_my sorrow, no tomorrow…If I love no one I am free."_

"Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!" I jumped up, a slew of curse words flying out of my mouth as I took the stairs two at a time and out the door into the pouring rain.

And then I ran. Ran to the one place I hadn't even thought of.

The _last _place someone would think of.

_Please God, just this once, don't let me down…._

_

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_**Chapter 1: Paint it Black**

**I look inside myself and see my heart is black  
I see my red door and it has been painted black  
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts  
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black  
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue  
I could not foresee this thing happening to you  
**

Monday. The start of a new school year.

_Shit. _

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem since I had been going to school with the same group of people for the past eleven years. Even in a big city, things never change. I was lucky enough to have the same group of friends all throughout school. I didn't go the pathetic route and abandon my childhood friends when I got to high school. I was one of those guys who were actually intelligent and just never fucking applied myself. I had been with the same girl for three years, hung out with same guys day after day, just screwing around, not really giving a shit.

Life was, for lack of a better term, perfect.

_Yea, life was so perfect for you wasn't it? So perfect that you spent the last two years lying to everyone, pretending that everything was alright. Cut the shit Jasper. _

But whichever version of my life I choose to think about, it doesn't matter now.

I'm in a completely different state now, living with people who I don't really even now.

I have lived in this small town for a month now. And the friends and girl I left behind who were supposed to call, have yet to do so.

So much for loyalty.

"Jasper?" a soft, motherly voice walked inside my new bedroom and looked over at me, a small smile on her face "Are you just about ready?"

"I guess." I shrugged and forced a smile as I grabbed my things and headed downstairs.

As much as I tried to in the beginning, I knew there could never be a way for me to _ever _hate Esme.

I still thought she was fucking crazy, though.

I mean, what was I supposed to think? I've only been here for a month and she already treats me like her own kid as opposed to the 'love child' I was.

But, what really killed me was the fact that she still loved her husband just the same. As if she knew all along that I existed.

If I were her, I would've left his sorry ass the moment I found out.

I didn't even know who he was. Some stranger that was mentioned from time to time but never really mentioned by name. It was like he was ghost or something.

But two months ago, everything changed and I was suddenly thrown into this new lifestyle with complete and utter strangers.

I hated it here, to be honest. The city was too small for me. I was just so goddamn bored.

By the time I reached the bottom of the stairs, Edward was already waiting for me at the front door.

"Ready?" he asked, a hint of irritation in his voice. Like it was such a bad thing for me to hitch a ride with him to school.

"Yea, I guess." I answered him indifferently.

The drive to the small high school was silent and tense. In the amount of time I've been here, Edward and I haven't really gotten the chance to talk.

All I know is that Edward is like the damn perfect son. He is an only child and is the shining beacon of this family.

Well, I stand corrected. He _was _the only child up until two months ago when he and his mother found out about me.

And, as we got out of the car at school, I knew that practically the entire town probably knew about me now. News sure travels fast in this place.

Especially when your newfound father is the great Dr. Carlisle Cullen, resident savior of this town.

Yes, two months ago, I had no idea who this man was. And, come to find out, not only did he exist but he also had an entire family.

"So, if you just go into that building, they'll give you your schedule and tell you where to go. And um, I guess I'll see you after school." Edward called over his shoulder after he pointed out a building.

So for much for helping your own brother out. Oh, well. I didn't need him showing me around. He didn't want to be around me and that was fine by me.

After a million questions from the women in the office, they politely showed me where my first class was. The classes I was taking weren't very difficult. I was surprised that this school even had AP courses. Go figure.

At least now I wouldn't be bored out of my mind here now. School would actually give my brain the much needed stimulation it had been deprived of for a month.

My first four classes went off relatively normal. The only thing that bothered me were all the looks I would get as I walked into each class. But, I had expected this and had just ignored all the glares and the feeble attempts of the girls who tried to flirt with me when I walked by them.

I would barely acknowledge their presence, let alone offer them any type of conversation. I was in no way looking for any type of relationship. Hell, I didn't even want to be in this town. But, again, I didn't really have much of choice.

When lunch rolled around, I opted to just stay clear of the cafeteria. It would be thirty minutes of absolute torture that I didn't feel like enduring at this very moment. So, I went to the only place where I knew I'd be alone: the library.

Yea, that's right. The _fucking _library. This is what this whole moving situation had forced me to do.

And, much to my prediction, it was virtually empty. Only the mid-age blonde woman who worked at the desk and a few other students scattered here at there. The library wasn't very big but it wasn't too small either. I quickly found a table towards the back by one of the windows and took a seat, pulling out my history book and just mindlessly flipping through the pages.

History was the only thing that kept my attention when it came to reading. As a result, I was a pretty damn good expert in the subject.

I was in the library for about five minutes when I lifted my eyes briefly from the page, letting my eyes take a quick break when I saw her.

So engrossed in her own thoughts, she walked towards exactly where I was. I thought she was going to walk to the table behind me so I just went back to my book. But, about ten seconds later, I heard a bag plop onto the table and then there was a sudden weight change on my legs.

I lowered my book just in time to hear her scream. It wasn't one of those horror movie screams but it was loud enough.

I glanced up and was met with a pair of blue eyes staring back at me. For a moment, I thought this was some really weird way of some girl trying to get my attention. But as I continued to look at her for another second, I could tell that she completely mortified. Apparently to the point that she was frozen in place.

_What the fuck? _

"Can I help you?" I raised one of my eye brows at her. "Last time I checked, chairs were only meant for one person."

For a split second, she looked like she was going to start crying or some shit. But, whatever it was, it disappeared within seconds.

"Oh, god…I'm so, so sorry." She quickly moved off of me "I just…well, there's never anyone sitting there. Besides me." She tried to explain.

"Are you telling me that this is your spot then?" I eyed her.

"Yes, something along those lines. But, I suppose we can share if you want." She shrugged and took a seat across from me. She pulled a book out of her bag and just started reading it, not bothering to look up at me again. After about twenty minutes, I was beginning to grow anxious.

"What? You're not going to ask me a million questions like everyone else?" I crossed my arms and leaned back. She looked up from her book and tilted her head in confusion.

"Why are people asking you so many questions?" she spoke in a softer tone than before.

She wasn't really serious, was she? Could it be that this girl had no idea who I was? Not to say I was mad, I was just curious. Did she not listen to all the small town gossip?

_Just drop it then. Just change the subject!_

"I'm the new guy in town." I sighed, betraying my own thoughts "And the entire student body hasn't left me alone since I stepped foot in this place."

"Oh. Is that why you're hiding out in the library?" she smiled slightly "No, I'm kidding. At least people actually…never mind." She shook her head. "Well new boy, do you have a name?"

"Jasper." I outstretched my hand for her to take. "And yourself?" I discreetly flirted with this girl but she didn't seem to have a clue.

After a few seconds, she reached over and shook it.

"Lucinda. But you can just call me Lucy if you want."

I just nodded and dropped her hand.

Not a moment later, the bell rang and she jumped slightly.

_Damn, what's with this girl? She's like on nerves end with every noise and movement. _

"I'll see you later Jasper." She quickly grabbed her things and headed out of the library rather quickly.

My next class was AP US history. It was going to be a piece of fucking cake. I had no doubts I would ace it.

It passed quickly and before I knew it, it was time for my last class of the day; Art.

Not my best subject. I was lucky that I could draw a tree.

But, my hatred of art faded away a bit when I walked into the class room and saw none other than library girl herself sitting at one of the tables. She had her headphones in her ears again and was looking out the window, that same look on her face that she had earlier.

I grabbed the seat beside her, throwing my books on the table, causing her to jump slightly.

"_Ay dios!_" she took the headphones out and looked over at me, her hand laying flat against her chest "Well look who it is." She smiled once she had calmed down.

"Were you just speaking in Spanish?" I took the seat beside her.

"Yea. Sorry, it's an um…habit I guess."

I just shrugged. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't hearing things.

Our teacher walked in and the class began a few minutes later.

"Now, this year we're going to try a little bit different. So, get to know the face next you because they are going to be your partner for the remainder of the year. You and your partner will work on several projects together during the year as well as some individual things." She clapped her hands. Some people cheered, others protested.

I just sat there, stunned. This was fucking ridiculous. This is just what I needed.

"Now, for your first assignment, I want you to draw me a sketch or a painting of your new partner. You can start now it's due on Friday." She nodded and walked over to her desk.

"Well" I turned around and looked at Lucy "I hope you're a good artist."

"I suppose so. It's something I've always done." She shrugged indifferently. "You want to start right now?" she looked up at me.

"I guess so. I don't really care."

"I already know how I'm going to sketch you. I'm pretty good with faces." She tapped her forehead quickly. "So, I guess you can spend the rest of the period staring at my face." she joked.

And that's exactly what I did. Making sure to pay careful details to those eyes of her. They seemed to be hiding something.

"I hope I wasn't too boring to sketch." She sighed, stuffing all her things into her bag when there was only a few minutes left in the period.

"No, not at all. I was actually really fascinated with your eyes…" I stopped mid-sentence when I realized how incredibly wrong that sounded. What the hell was I doing?

"Oh." She whispered "Thanks I guess. See you tomorrow." She jumped when the bell rang and was quickly gone from my sight.

Slowly, I gathered all my things and headed out towards the parking lot where Edward was already waiting for me. He was standing there, chatting it up with some girl when I approached them.

"Oh, there you are. Ready?" was all he asked me, not really even paying attention to me.

"Yes." I shrugged and got into car.

"So, can I maybe call you sometime?" I fought the urge to smirk. It was only the first day of school and he was already collecting phone numbers. I heard the girl agree quietly and next thing I knew, the car was starting and we were off. I thought about asking him who she was or even how his day went but, he didn't seem too interested so I just sat in silence until we got back home. He didn't deserve my hospitality anyways.

The house was empty when we arrived. Which, I knew it would be. Carlisle worked at the hospital until six or seven and Esme stayed at her flower shop until about four before coming back home.

Edward and I went to our respective rooms, not really having anything to say to each other. We weren't in any of the same classes, and we sure as hell didn't know the same people.

The only person I knew was Lucinda. Sort of.

I pulled out the sketch I had been working on in class and stared at it for a few moments. I wondered how I was going to go about drawing her. In terms of expression, I thought about having a smile on her face but, it seemed more realistic if I put that look she always had on her face. Easier said than done.

I had no idea how I was supposed to capture that look of…well, I don't even know what it was. When she sat there, looking out the window, it was like no one else existed in the world. It was just her and her thoughts. I really wished I could do that. To just get away whenever I wanted to.

I worked on a few assignments and before I knew it, two hours had passed and I heard Esme come home and immediately start working in the kitchen to make dinner.

These people were on like a damn invisible schedule. They never wavered from it either.

Like clockwork, around six thirty, Esme called me from downstairs to get ready for dinner. I always thought that was such a weird expression. But, the Cullens were the poster children for the American Dream.

Too bad I showed up and threw them all for a loop. No, they didn't say anything but, it was obvious that I had somehow disrupted their daily routines.

"Oh, Jasper there you are." Esme smiled as she was setting the plates on the table. I took the seat that was directly across from Edward with Carlisle on my left and Esme on my right. We sat like this every night, never changing up the seating arrangements. I personally thought that these people needed to spice things up a little bit. I took me awhile to get used to eating in the dining room when I first moved here. I was so used to just sitting wherever and whenever.

"So boys…" Carlisle started up once we were all settled in "How was the first day?"

"Same as usual." Edward shrugged. "Same classes, same people…but, it was nice to see old friends."

"That's nice. What about you Jasper? How was your first day in a new school?" Esme looked at me, hope in her eyes. I thought about telling her how her son had basically deserted me and everyone was talking about me when I walked by them…hearing people bash her husband and calling her 'weak' for just taking me in and acting like it was nothing.

But I didn't have the heart to do it to her. It would probably break her. And, I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one who did that to her.

"It was alright. My AP classes seem like they might be a bit hard but, I like a good challenge." I forced a smile. To which she gladly accepted it.

"Did you meet any new people?" she pressed.

I took a deep breath and looked over at them.

"I did meet this one girl…" I began and everyone's attention soon focused on me.

"A girl? Oh, Jasper…how lovely. Who is she?"

"Her name's Lucinda…" I stopped when I realized that I hadn't even asked her what her last name was. But it didn't matter because the look on everyone's faces when I said her name told me that they knew who she was.

"Lucinda Ramirez?" Edward quirked an eyebrow at me. "Brown hair, blue eyed Lucinda?" he continued.

"You know her?"

"Well, everyone knows _of _her."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Lucinda doesn't really socialize with people. She's very quiet….very peculiar." He stated and I didn't like the way it sounded when he said it.

"Edward, enough." Carlisle shot him a glare "That's nice that you and Lucinda got a chance to meet. I know her father. He's the local pastor here." Carlisle nodded, signifying that was the only information he was going to give me.

"She's come in with her mother a few times into the flower shop. She's a pretty girl." Esme was practically beaming. Maybe she thought that I wasn't able to converse with members of the opposite sex or something.

I just shrugged. I didn't want Esme to get the wrong idea.

The rest of dinner went by so slowly. And, it was extremely awkward too. I wondered if this is how they did it every night. Or, was it only awkward now that I was living here? But, why should I care? I'm not the one who made the decision for me to come and live here with them.

I winced slightly at my own thoughts. Because of the person who _did _make me come live here.

After thirty five minutes of awkward conversation, I was finally able to get out of there. After quickly thanking Esme for dinner, I retreated to my room, not wanting to have to be forced into their family 'bonding' time. These people weren't my family. And I don't see how they ever would be. They were just the 'wonderful Cullens' who took in troubled and damaged Jasper Hale. Or, at least that's what I heard.

And that was another thing. Since moving here, Carlisle had been desperately trying to get me to change my name to Cullen. Something about how it'll make things more official. Official my ass. I wasn't going to change my name. I would only be living here for another year and a half at the most and then I was out of here. Technically, I could leave when I turned eighteen. But, that would be in the middle of the semester and it would cause too many complications to start attending a new school.

So, for now, I was stuck here with the Cullens. Hopefully they wouldn't drive me insane.

I had just pulled out my art homework when I heard my cell phone vibrating against my nightstand. Frowning, I glanced over to check the caller ID. Much to my surprise, it was Alice. Alice, the girl I left behind in Texas and who, until this moment, hadn't had the decency to call me.

"You're about two months late aren't you?" my voice was anything but friendly when I picked up the phone.

"Hey Jasper. I know, I know. Things have been super busy around here." Her chipper voice was felt even through the phone. "How's life in Washington?" she giggled.

"Miserable." I mumbled "I started school today so at least I won't have to be stuck inside here all day. What about you Al? How are things?" my voice softened a fraction. Alice's laugh was always one of my weaknesses. And I sometimes hated her for that. But, I of course would never tell her that.

Girls can have such fragile egos sometimes. I would know.

"They're really good. Actually, that's why I called you…there's something I think we need to talk about."

Oh, hell. That wasn't a good sign.

"What's wrong Alice?" my defense was suddenly up.

"Well" she paused "You know how much I care about you right? Well, when you left, I thought this would be easier. That I'd be able to call you and not have my heart feel like it was going to shatter. And today, I think I came to the realization that this whole long distance thing isn't going to work for me. I need someone here with me. Face to face."

"So what are you saying?" But, I was fully aware of what was about to come next.

"I'm saying we should break up Jasper. I think it would be the best for both of us. We can still be friends of course."

_Friends? Who the fuck did she think I was? _

"You know what Alice" I gripped the phone tighter in my hands "You have to be the neediest person I've ever met. I can't believe you're just going to give up on us simply because we cannot see one another face to face. It's not because it's hard for you. You just don't want to have to feel guilty when you're fucking some guy. Which, I'm sure you've already done since you haven't bothered to call me in the time that I've been here. So, you know what? Fine. I don't want to deal with this anymore. You're free Alice." And with that, I snapped the phone shut and threw it across the bed.

"That was a pretty intense phone call." A voice walked into the room and shut the door behind him "I take it someone just got dumped." I looked up and saw Edward sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What do you want?" I snapped at him. He had chosen the wrong time to try and mess with me.

"I just came in here to warn you. But, I couldn't do it front of my parents." He shrugged.

Oh, so it was _his _parents? Could this guy be any more obvious? He clearly did not see me as part of this family. Not that I wanted anything to do with this asshole.

"Warn me about what?"

"Lucinda." The very mention of her name made me stop and look at him "She may seem all sweet and innocent. But, there is something seriously wrong with that girl." He shook his head.

"Humor me."

"Today she was fine but, the girl has issues Jasper. And you do _not _want to get involved. Besides that, her dad's the pastor. And he would probably kill you if he knew his perfect little Lucinda was getting involved with you."

"I'm sorry, did I miss the part where my new brother was suddenly made boss and called all the shots around here? And, who said anything about the two of us getting involved. Unlike you, I'm not chasing the girls around every five minutes, in hopes that one of them will eventually sleep with me." I smirked.

_But, let's face it, all I would have to do is give a small smile and they'd all be falling at my feet. _

"I'm just saying. Being as you're a free man and all now. Don't get me wrong, Lucinda _is _pretty but, pretty doesn't make up for the fact that she's messed up."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I stood up and went to face him "I thought you said you didn't know her? It's not right to simply make assumptions based on gossip."

"Everyone in this town knows that Lucinda is the town recluse. She hardly ever talks to people. But, for some reason, you've struck her fancy. Maybe she could tell that you were damaged like her…"

_Oh, what an idiot. He just struck the wrong chord with me. _

"Edward, just get out." I clenched my fists. As much as I wanted to beat his ass, I knew that it wouldn't go over well with Carlisle and Esme. "Now."

"Fine. I'll see you tomorrow _brother._" The word rolled off his tongue with a hint of sarcasm. Because it was becoming very clear that Edward thought of me as anything but his brother.

And then he was gone. Finally. I could now just focus on my thoughts in peace.

The fact that Alice had just broken up with me was far from my mind now. I didn't really care to be honest. If I wasn't good enough for her then so be it. Let her go out and realize that there aren't going to many people out there willing to deal with her shit.

But now, my thoughts had now gone back to Lucy. They had been on her since dinner and now again after the conversation with Edward. I didn't understand what he was trying to do. It was obvious that he didn't really like me. So, why would he even bother coming in to 'warn' me? If he really hated me, he wouldn't have said anything right? So, why come say that there was something wrong with her?

No, I refused to believe that there was something wrong with her. She seemed perfectly normal to me at school. In fact, she was the only normal person I encountered today. So she stared out the window and was always listening to music. Maybe she just liked to be alone with her thoughts? Maybe she didn't care for the people at school? It didn't mean that she was crazy or anything.

But, then again, _was _there a reason as to why Edward called her the 'town recluse?' I found it hard to believe. Lucinda was a pretty girl. I would know, she fucking sat on my lap this afternoon, giving me a chance to look at her up close.

She could probably have whatever guy she wanted in that school. Or, you know what they say about the quiet ones? They're temptresses in disguise.

I came to the conclusion that Edward had probably been lying to me. And, even though I knew I didn't have to, I was going to show him that Lucinda was perfectly normal. I was going to prove him wrong.

Why? Just because I could. I suddenly felt very protective of Lucinda. She didn't deserve to be talked about by people who didn't really know her. Well, I didn't really know her all that well. I guess that would have to change. It meant I was going to have to break one of the rules I had made before I even moved here.

_Don't fucking get involved with anyone. _

And, as I was drifting off to sleep, one of the last things I saw was those blue eyes of Lucinda's. Pretty, yet perhaps holding something behind them. It was that very look that I needed to capture in my sketch of her. And I would succeed.

Partly because I didn't like doing things half ass…but mainly because I knew that if I was able to capture that damn mysterious look, I knew that she would practically fucking swoon.

And that'd be all I need in order for her to start giving me answers.

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**Your thoughts are crucial for this story! I plan on posting a new chapter every Friday, hopefully. Next chapter you guys will get to meet and see more of Lucinda. **

**As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	2. Concrete Angel

**A/N: You guys are truly amazing. I have never gotten so many reviews for a first chapter, ever.I'm so glad that you guys have taken to this new Jasper. It really makes me happy, you have no idea.  
**

**Enjoy. Songs are on the playlist as always. **

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****Chapter 2: Concrete Angel**

**_  
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask  
Bearing the burden of a secret storm  
Sometimes she wishes she was never born_**

**_Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone  
In a world that she can't rise above  
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place  
Where she's loved concrete angel_**

Mondays have always been the vain of my existence. Ever since I was a little girl.

Mondays meant the start of a new week. A new week to hide in the background and be completely ignored by everyone.

My parents, as usual, were already downstairs having breakfast, discussing their plans for the day by the time I walked in. It was the same ritual, day after day, with them.

At seven forty five, my mom would say it's time to get to school and off we'd go.

"Are you excited for today?" she tried to make idle chat with me as we drove the six minute drive to school. I just gave her a small shrug and stared out the window. But, I knew my mom. And that one little shrug was enough for her.

What was I supposed to say? _Yea, mom real excited. That's why I'm practically convulsing with fear right in front of you. _

But, those were mere thoughts. Things I could never say to her. She dropped me off, offering me a smile and a wave. I gave her a wave back and walked towards the school. It probably sounds really pathetic that my mom still drops me off at school every morning but I really don't care. People don't pay attention to me here. They never have.

Today was start of a new school year. My junior year to be exact. I really wish I could have something to be excited about but, I highly doubted that I was going to find anything. Well, I stand corrected. There is _one _thing that I am excited about this year. Being as I'm a junior now, I got the opportunity to take an art class. Art is a love of mine. It's always been one of my many escapes.

My first four classes were typical, nothing new. If anything, they were a bit boring. However, I apparently wasn't 'smart' enough to be in the AP classes in this place. But, I knew the real reason why. I came here from a different city, a different state. The school I went to wasn't really what you would call prestigious or in a nice part of town.

I walked down the hallways, fixing my gaze on the white paper in front of me as I avoided everyone. I repeated my daily schedule in my head a few times as I walked.

_Math, History, break, Science, English, lunch, Spanish and Art._ By the end of the week I was going to be sick of this routine I just knew it.

If there was one more thing I didn't need, it was another routine to follow religiously.

By the time lunch rolled around, I was relieved. It meant I could spend exactly thirty minutes alone in my own little world. Without even looking where I was going, I headed straight towards the library. My haven since freshman year. I have sat in the library, at the same table, every day since I've been here.

What can I say? As much as I hate routines, I can't help but stick to what I know. My comfort zone.

Because let's face it, the tighter the routine, the lesser probability that something will slip. A tighter routine also mean less interaction with people.

_Like people would actually want to socialize with someone like you. _

I sighed as I rounded the corner to enter the library. At least I had almost made it the entire day before it started.

I was trying to regain my thoughts as I entered the library, making a bee line for my usual seat. I must've been a bit _too _consumed with my thoughts because before I knew it, I was sitting in the right seat…but on someone's lap. The unexpected contact with another person completely caught me off guard and I did the first thing that came to mind: I screamed. And for exactly five seconds, I was frozen. I couldn't move no matter how hard I tried.

"Can I help you? Last time I checked, chairs were only meant for one person." A person's voice snapped me out of it.

_You stupid, stupid girl…get off of him before he really thinks you're crazy. _

I somehow found the will to get off this stranger's lap and sit in the seat across from him, while trying to calm down my erratic heart rate. I apologized profusely and even offered to share my spot with him, just so he wouldn't think anything of my little rant a few moments ago.

I quickly pulled a book out and started reading, making sure that there was no eye contact. I had just embarrassed myself in front of this guy and yet, he was still sitting there, watching me.

And then he just started _talking _to me. To say I was surprised would be a complete understatement. No one and I mean no one ever talked to me. Especially at school. Most people simply pass me by as if I wasn't really there. Which, that was fine by me. I didn't want to be noticed. Still, it was a bit unsettling to hear someone just strike a conversation up with me.

Of course, the conversation had nothing to do with me. In fact, he was wondering why I wasn't asking him questions. Then he proceeded to say that he was the new guy in school and no one would leave him alone. Talk about self-centered.

But, I couldn't tell him that to his face. It would ruin my entire image. So instead, I teased him about staying in the library and asked his name. Why? Because it was the first, normal thing that popped into my head.

"Jasper, and yourself?" He offered his hand to me and I just stared at it. He was joking right? What did he think? That I would just…

_Shake his hand Lucinda, you have to keep up the act remember. _

So, I did what any normal girl would do, I shook his hand and introduced myself. To which he just nodded. I couldn't believe this guy! He had _no idea _how much it took for me to simply reach over and shake his hand. And what did I get? A mere shrug.

When the bell rang, I left as quickly as I could. But, as I sat through Spanish, my thoughts kept floating back to the boy in the library.

_Jasper. _

He looked like your typical bad boy. With his attitude that read he didn't care and his posture that was meant to ward off everyone.

But, I had spent most of my life around people like Jasper. Honestly, he didn't look like he'd be the kind of guy who'd carry a weapon around with him so I was pretty sure I'd be safe around him.

_What makes you think you're going to talk to him again? You'll probably never see that boy again. People like him just don't hang out in the library. People like him have a reputation to uphold. And you Lucinda are the last person he'd want to be seen with. After today, he will probably forget all about you. _

It was a valid point. However, it made me quite upset. And, during the last few minutes of class, I just sat there, grabbed my trusty rubber band and gave it a few snaps before the bell rang. My last class was a few doors down so I was the first one in there. I was most comfortable in the art room than anywhere else. Because like myself, the art students mostly kept to themselves. Well, minus the group of jocks and cheerleaders who took up the tables in the back. The ones who took this class in order to get an easy 'A.'

I grabbed my beloved iPod and turned it up, blocking out everyone who was filing into the room. I stared outside the window, taking in the minimal scenery. My eyes focused on a bird that was flying around. It looked so carefree and beautiful.

I wondered what it would be like to be a bird.

Bam! The sound of books slamming on the table scared the crap out of me, making my heart start beating a bit out of control. I looked up and saw none other than Jasper sitting down beside me, giving me an odd expression and asking me if I had just spoken Spanish. I wasn't really sure what I told him, I was making sure I wasn't going to have a full blown panic attack in the middle of the art room.

Was he doing it on purpose? Did he know the type of affect sudden movements and surprises had on me?

_Obviously not. _

Thankfully, our teacher arrived and started talking. Something about the person sitting next to us would be our partner for the next year.

_Oh, god. That meant that this guy was stuck with me for an entire year. He's probably not too happy about that. _

"I hope you're a good artist." Was the first thing he said to me and I proceeded to tell him that I guess I was and suggested that he start sketching me first because I had a pretty good idea of how I was going to sketch him. He spent the remainder of the period drawing random little pictures.

With him so busy, I was able to think about him freely. Especially those eyes of his. Such a piercing shade of green that it was very difficult to not get lost in them. And there was his hair. It was a few shades lighter than mine and perfectly disheveled. Almost as if he just rolled out of bed with it looking like that. But, for some reason, it suited him. If anything, he could be a model.

But, I knew better. Behind those amazing green eyes, there was more than what met the eye. He may not look it but, there was definitely something there that signified that this boy was trouble.

Then again, I knew his type. He wasn't anything that I hadn't seen before.

_Yea, then you know exactly why type of person he is Lucinda. You better stay as far away from him as possible. After everything your parents did for you…you're just going to throw it all away for some boy with pretty eyes? Get real Lucinda. Get a life while you're at it as well…_

Before the mental battle had a chance to escalate further, the bell rang, causing me to jump up, grab my things and get the heck out of there as fast as I could. I gathered the books I needed out of my locker, avoiding any eye contact with the people around me. Not like they paid attention to me anyways.

I headed outside the school. While everyone got into their cars, or talked with their friends in the parking lot, I just started walking. As I was crossing the lot, I spotted Jasper on the other side. He was walking straight towards the car…of Edward Cullen.

It was interesting sight. Jasper didn't really strike me as the type of person who would befriend Edward. Jasper was too…I don't know but it didn't make sense to me. I didn't really personally know Edward; I had a few a classes over the past two years with him and he was in my history class this year but that didn't mean anything.

I was pretty sure though that he was a nice guy. I mean, just look at his parents. I had met Dr. Cullen once and he was nothing but kind and compassionate towards me. And I had visited Mrs. Cullen's flower shop numerous times with my mother and she was just so sweet, it was impossible not to like her. I almost wished that Esme Cullen was my mother…almost. Surely all that kindness rubbed off on their son right?

The twenty minute walk to my house was yet another routine. Something I've been doing since freshman year. Only when the weather was really bad would one of my parents come get me but, personally, I preferred to walk. It was nice to be out in the fresh air, alone.

Mom and dad once asked me if I could get a ride home from one of my friends. To that, I just laughed at them. What friends? No one liked me at this school. Why else wouldn't they talk to me?

_Why do you care so much Lucinda? Like they'd want to be your friend anyways. _

By the time I finally got home, I was completely losing the inner battle with my mind. It was nothing new though. I was used to it.

Getting home, I went straight to the kitchen to make some tea before I settled into yet another routine. I'd start my homework for about an hour before getting a start on dinner. Mom was always tired when she came home. She and my dad worked in the same place, at the church and were always tired when they both came home.

And, to avoid any drama, I just cooked dinner, no questions asked. I didn't need another reason for my mom to call me selfish or ungrateful. Those two words seemed to be her favorite when it came to me. I never knew why though. I did everything they asked me. Most of the time, I just did it. I never asked for anything really. The occasional ride home but that was about it. And yet, she still called me those names.

My mother, though I loved her, was quite the enigma.

The few hours alone were spent much like every other day and I wasn't even aware when they came home, right on time.

"Lucinda, are you home?" my mother's voice floated into the kitchen.

_Where else am I going to be mom?_

"Yea, in here." I shut my books and went to stand by the stove, to make sure it looked like I was bust cooking away. I never made difficult things. There wasn't any point in doing so.

"How was your day?" my mother strolled in and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, placing a kiss on my cheek. I tried my hardest to not noticeably cringe with her touch.

"Fine." I stared down at the food I was making, trying to avoid eye contact with her. Her arm lingered on my shoulder for a few more seconds. I knew she was thinking of making some sort of comment but, with a sigh, she just gave up and walked away. She helped me finish making dinner and within twenty minutes, the three of us were sitting at the table in the kitchen.

I pushed the food around my plate while I listened to my parents making idle chat with one another. When I would occasionally look up from my plate, I would just came face to face with the empty chair in front of me. It didn't make sense to me. There was three us and yet, my mother insisted on having that fourth chair there. I don't know what having that chair meant for her but I knew for me, it was torture every time I looked at it.

I don't what she was thinking. That maybe if she kept the chair there, then maybe, just maybe…

"Lucinda?" I jumped slightly when I heard my name suddenly being thrown into the conversation.

"Sorry." I mumbled looking up to see my dad staring at me.

"Well, did you meet him?" he pressed.

"Meet who?" I looked at him confused. Apparently I had missed something important.

"That new boy who's attending your school now." My thoughts immediately shifted back to the new boy. Jasper. The boy with the insanely gorgeous green eyes that made me want to just melt into them.

But of course, I wasn't about to tell them all of that. I had to play my part.

"What new boy?" I asked with all the fake innocence I could muster.

"I believe his name is…oh, what was it again?" he thought for a few seconds "Oh, yes. Jasper?"

"Oh." I feigned surprise "I think he's in my art class. I didn't meet him though." I lied.

"Oh, good." He sighed "I don't want you getting involved with him Lucinda."

I stopped and just glared at him.

"What are you talking about? I just said I didn't know him." I sighed.

"I know his kind, and I don't want you to get involved with someone like him. He's just…no, just stay away from him alright?"

His kind? What did my father possibly know about Jasper? He really was unbelievable sometimes. My dad, the local pastor, was actually listening to small town gossip apparently. He wasn't really setting the best example right now but what did that matter?

He was actually right about one thing. If he believed Jasper was this bad boy, then he sure did know his 'kind.' Before moving here, my life was surrounded with nothing but bad boys and violence. But, there was no use in thinking about the past anymore.

_This _was my life now.

"Fine dad." I shrugged.

_Not like you need to give you father fake promises. That boy probably wants nothing to do with you. Who would?_

"Bien." He nodded and just went right back into his conversation with my mother. "I mean, just because he is the son of Dr. Cullen, that doesn't mean anything."

Dr. Cullen? Jasper was his _son?! _

Well, I guess that made sense now. That's why he was with Edward. They were…step brothers. Interesting.

It took all the strength I had to not just get up and leave the room.

But, that was Elena and Oscar Ramirez for you. So perfect to everyone on the outside and yet, so confusing to me. They were always talking about random things and for the life of me, I could never keep up. And all I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts. Though, that wasn't always the best idea.

Thankfully, I only had to endure this awkwardness for only ten more minutes before I could get up and go.

"Thanks" I cleared the table, tossing the dishes in the sink. I didn't have the energy to wash them right now. If anything, I could do it later tonight or in the morning. My mom and dad had already gotten up and made their way into the living room, no doubt to settle in to their nightly routine of watching television for a little bit.

They had their nightly routine and so did I. I had so many routines that it was both pathetic and wonderful. Without my routines, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Once I was settled in a pattern, I rarely changed or drifted away from it. It didn't really make life exciting but, what type of excitement was I ever going to come across?

I changed out of the clothes I had been wearing all day and settled for my favorite pair of pajama pants and a white t-shirt.

It was typical and utterly plain but, again, what did that matter? I wasn't trying to impress anyone with what I slept in. I hardly doubted that someone was going to throw rocks at my window and say he was my Romeo. And I sure as heck wasn't anyone's Juliet.

I wasn't anyone really. Just the girl who moved here and was insanely quiet and a bit weird.

Not according to my parents though. To them, I was the epitome of perfect. I got excellent grades, never got into any trouble and didn't hang out with the wrong crowd. What more could they ask for?

If only they knew.

I got good grades because I had far too much time on my hands and spent many hours alone with nothing to do and I refused to be another disappointment to my parents.

I didn't get into any trouble because it would completely ruin my image. All my life, I was your typical good girl who did everything that was asked of her, never asking questions. I was supposed to be the nice, shy and perfect daughter of Pastor Ramirez. Anything less would just be…sacrilegious in the eyes of many. And I wasn't about to do that. No matter how ridiculous it sounded.

I didn't hang out with the wrong crowd because…well, because no one ever really gave me a second glance. Especially since I moved here. These people didn't really know me. They had all gone to school together for probably their entire lives and then I showed up. Quiet girl Lucinda who just kept to herself without so much as looking in the wrong direction.

And I didn't know what was worse. Having people ignore you or not wanting people to socialize with you. Either way would not boast well for me, I just knew it.

Curling up on bed, underneath my favorite blanket, I just stared up at the ceiling. This is how it was almost every night. Me, upstairs alone in my room with nothing but my music to keep me company.

I had a computer but I hardly used it. Only when it came to homework or something but that was about it.

I had my books of course but, at the moment, I didn't feel like reading them right now.

Try all I wanted but, the only thing that was on my mind right now was a certain boy.

No, well a certain boy who just so happened to be my art partner. I knew better than to let my mind be consumed with him but I couldn't help it. There was just _something _about him and I couldn't put my finger on it.

God, those eyes. It was all about eyes. A shade of green that was both entrancing and dangerous. No one with eyes so beautiful could be perfect.

Sighing, I reached over and grabbed my iPod, searching through my songs until I found the first song that came to mind when I thought about Jasper.

_That green eyes  
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you  
And how could anybody deny you  
I came here with a load  
And it feels so much lighter  
Now I met you  
And honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you  
Green eyes_

_Honey you are the sea  
Upon which I float  
And I came here to talk  
I think you should know_

_That green eyes  
You're the one that I wanted to find  
And anyone who tried to deny you  
Must be out of their mind_

The song wasn't even half over when I pulled the headphones out of my ears, tossing it across my bed. I settled in deeper in my blankets and just lay there on my side, thinking.

It was pretty interesting, now knowing that Jasper was actually Dr. Cullen's son. Even though I wasn't aware of the situation, I actually felt a bit bad for Jasper. Because clearly Jasper and Edward were the same age. Which meant, Dr. Cullen probably cheated on his wife. And that was never a good thing.

At that very moment, I felt nothing but compassion for him. It must've been tough growing up without your dad. I wondered why he suddenly showed up now in this town? Had something happened and he was forced to come here? There were a million questions running though my head.

Questions that would never be answered.

Why I was doing this to myself? I didn't even know this guy and yet, here I was laying on bed thinking about only him.

As I shut my eyes tightly, all I could think about was the line 'I could never go on without you.' How in god's name would that ever be possible? It was ridiculous, it was insane.

Though, the line 'anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their find' seemed to fit the bill. There was no question that he was…gorgeous. And, I'm sure that all the girls were practically falling all over him already. He just had that look to him. The one that screamed stay away and yet, it was the same look that just drew them in like flies.

They would be lining up to be with him no doubt. And he would probably pick the prettiest of them all to be with.

_Well, then there's no hope for you Lucinda now is there? Maybe you should listen to your father and stay far, far away from that boy. He doesn't need you…he doesn't need to know all your…_

With a heavy sigh, I stopped listening to my inner voice and just rolled over on the bed so that I was again facing the ceiling, wanting nothing more to fall asleep.

But, I knew that wasn't possible. I hardly fell asleep easily. I desperately wished for some type of medication that would just knock me out. I wanted to be unconscious and be away from all this. Reality and I didn't exactly get along well these days.

But, this was just wishful thinking. And even with my eyes closed, I thought of Jasper.

I knew he wanted nothing to do with me, this I was sure of. Why would he? He didn't know me and I didn't know him.

And even on the off chance that he _did _want to know me, I wouldn't let him.

Years of perfecting this image wasn't about to be destroyed by an incredibly handsome boy with eyes that pierced right through me.

No, I wouldn't let him. I _couldn't _let him.

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**I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I have to say, Lucinda is by far one of the most personal characters I have ever written. The song in this chapter was "Green Eyes" By Coldplay. **

**Reviews=Love.  
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	3. A Dangerous Mind

**A/N: I truly appreciated every single one of your reviews. Unfortunately for me, real life has gone down a pretty rough path, draining me both emotionally and physically. Fortunately for you guys, writing is my escape from reality and hence, that is why this chapter was possible. I do hope you enjoy it. **

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**Chapter 3: A Dangerous Mind**

**It's in your eyes, what's on your mind.**

**I fear your smile and the promise inside **

**I fear your presence, I'm frozen inside.**

**I'm searching for answers**

**Not questioned before.**

**The Curse of awareness,  
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**There's no peace of mind**

** As your true colors show, A dangerous sign.**

When the alarm clock went off this morning, I was pissed. Whoever's bright idea it was to set the alarm for six thirty in morning must've not been thinking straight.

_Why are you so upset, it's part of your routine. The scenery's changed but not the fucking situation. _

"Right." I grumbled as I dragged myself up and out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. I stood there under the hot water, hoping desperately that I would wake up. But, it was no use. I was exhausted. Exhausted and yet, I knew there was no way that I could've slept longer. For long as I could remember, I had been waking up, every single day, at six thirty in the morning. Why six thirty? Because it gave me enough to time to take care of everything before I had to go school. To take care of everything and mentally prepare myself for the day.

I don't know, I guess I thought that when I moved here, I would actually change my sleeping habits and actually get a genuine good night's rest. It was a nice thought but, I was now realizing that probably was never going to happen.

I emerged twenty minutes later, still fucking tired but at least semi-conscious. Heading to the closet, I grabbed whatever my hands landed on first; Jeans, t-shirt and my black converse. Typical. It's pretty much what I wore on a daily basis. Besides, it's not like I had anyone to impress in this town.

At seven fifteen, I trudged down the stairs and walked straight into the kitchen, hoping it was empty. But, I was wrong. Esme and Carlisle were in there already, their conversation stopping when I walked in.

"Morning, Jasper. Are you hungry? I can make you something before I go to work." Esme offered me a warm smile and I just glared at her. She was actually offering to make me something?

"Uh, no it's alright. I'm not much of a breakfast eater anyways." But, just to make her happy, I grabbed some juice and sat at the table and just waited.

"You should really eat breakfast, Jasper. It's not good to go all day with no food in your system." Carlisle attempted to make conversation with me but, it wasn't working.

"I'm fine, really." I shot him a glare and he stopped talking after that. I don't know why he kept trying. It was pretty obvious that the two of us were not going to be getting along anytime soon. The guy needed to get the hint and back the hell off. The more he kept trying to socialize with me and act like the wonderful father figure everyone saw him as, the more I was going to block him out. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to him though. He knew what he was getting himself into when he took me in. He knew where I came from and what had been going on these past few years.

What he didn't know however is that for the most part, I blamed him. Even when I didn't know him, I still blamed him for everything. And I probably would always think that he was the one at fault; the one who…

"Oh, you're down here already?" I snapped my head up and saw that Edward had joined the morning festivities. And call me crazy, but it looked like he had a disappointed look on his face. What, if I wasn't down here, he was just going to leave me behind? Leave me to fend for myself and find my own way to school? Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

"Edward, honey, you want something?" Esme offered him the same kindness as she had to me.

"I'm fine, mom." He shrugged, grabbing a piece of fruit off the table. "Ready?" he gave me a quick glance and not even waiting for me to respond, just grabbed his keys and headed towards the door. God, what I wouldn't give to have a car of my own so I didn't have to deal with this shit every morning.

Silently getting up, I said goodbye to Esme and quickly caught up with Edward who was already in the car. Jackass.

The entire car ride to school, I stared out the window, refusing to even attempt to make conversation with Edward. What were we going to talk about anyways? It was only the second day of school and I was already fed up with all of this. But, complaining about it verbally wasn't going to get me anywhere so, I opted to just keep it all in. Keep every true feeling to myself. Not like anyone here cared about what was going through my head anyways.

Much like yesterday, my classes passed with the same sense of boredom. Half the shit they were teaching, I already knew and the other half, I just didn't really care about.

As I made my way to Chemistry, I caught glimpse of library girl. She was coming out as I made my way in. She didn't even acknowledge anything as she made her way down the hallway, her eyes cast down towards the floor.

She looked so depressed as she walked away. Either she really hated that class or something was bothering her. And, as I took my seat, my thoughts still on her, I began to wonder just why exactly I even cared so much? As much as I tried to keep her out of my thoughts, she just kept showing up the entire period.

When the bell finally sounded, announcing to everyone that it was time for lunch, I got the same feeling as I did the day before. I still had no desire to sit in the cafeteria where I'd be on display for everyone to just stare at me.

And, when a girl who sat behind me tapped me on the shoulder and practically threw herself at me, I completely lost my appetite. Half of the class has already left but there were a few nosy onlookers taking in the scene before them. Great.

"You know" She grabbed my face and turned it towards her before trailing her fingernails up the front of my shirt "You and I would be really good together. We'd own this place." When I didn't answer her, she stepped closer, pressing her perfectly toned body against me.

_Oh, fuck that. _Toned or not, I wasn't about to get anywhere near _that._

I grabbed her hands and pulled them off of me in a not so friendly manner and pinned them at her sides so she wouldn't try to grope me again.

"Oh, come on Jasper, don't be like this." She pouted and bit her lip. It was pathetic really.

"No thanks." I sneered at her, releasing her hands, grabbing my things and just walked out of the classroom.

Walking aimlessly down the hallway, I thought back to that girl. Girls did some crazy shit sometimes. I mean yea sure she was pretty but, she was too desperate, too easy. Personally, I had always been a fan of girls who gave me a challenge and didn't just fling themselves at me, in hopes that I'd sleep with them. Unfortunately for me, I had yet to encounter said girl. Then again, I hadn't really been looking for her. For the past two years, Alice had been permanently attached to my hip, never really giving me a chance to breathe. But, being with Alice gave me a sense of normalcy even during the times she drove me fucking nuts. And before then? Shit, there was barely enough time for me to keep my head on straight let alone time for pursuing girls.

Before I knew it, I found myself staring at the library doors. How the hell I ended up there was beyond me. I was about to turn and leave when I saw her, sitting at the same table as yesterday. It didn't even register in my mind when I opened the door and walked straight over to her and taking the seat in front of her, throwing my books on the table in front of me.

"Hey Lucy." I addressed her indifferently. I didn't want this girl to get the wrong idea or anything.

_When then what the hell are you doing? _

I didn't have time to think about my own thoughts when she slowly looked up from the book she was reading, narrowing her eyes at me.

"Can you please not call me that?" she spoke in such a quiet voice that I barely heard her "That's not my name." when I just glared at her like an idiot, she continued "It's Lucinda." And with that, she went right back to reading her book.

What was with this girl? Had I been fucking hallucinating yesterday or something? Because I was pretty sure that she said _'but you can call me Lucy' _right here in this very spot.

She didn't look up at me for the rest of the period. Which, that was fine by me. I didn't really need someone chewing my ear off about useless information. Even more surprising, sitting here with Lucinda wasn't awkward at all. To her, I wasn't really anyone; Just some guy who was sitting across from her, her art partner.

When lunch ended, she slowly gathered her things before silently heading out of the library. It almost felt like she was just brushing me off like nothing. I should've been pissed that she did that but, I really wasn't and I had no idea why.

And much like yesterday, I say through history, not really paying attention. Rather, thinking about the little stunt Lucinda had pulled on me. That's what it was, right? No, it had to be. She was just trying to mess with my head, make me think things that weren't true.

_Why would that girl want to mess with you? She doesn't even know you. You're just making excuses because you refuse to see the truth. Or, have you forgotten the conversation you had with your brother last night? _

I didn't want to remember anything that had to do with my so called brother. It didn't matter anyway because not a moment later, his voice was inside of head.

'_The girl has issues.'_

No, there was no way that he had actually been telling me the truth. Besides, I refused to believe that Lucy, Lucinda whatever I called her had any kind of issues. She was too…well, she was too _good_ to have issues.

I was driving myself insane by the time art rolled around that at first, I didn't notice the sudden change of scenery until I heard her talking to me.

"Hey, Jasper, how's the sketch assignment going?" I slowly sat down in the chair beside her and gave her questioning look. In the time since I had last seen her, her hair was now pulled away from her face and I could get a better look at her eyes. They were no longer dull and sad. Shit, they actually looked brighter than no more than a hour ago.

"Are you talking to me?" I snapped out of my observation of her.

"Unless there's another Jasper in the room." She frowned slightly.

"You're kidding me right?" I shook my head "Lucinda, I…"

"I told you that you could call me Lucy and I meant it." She laughed softly. "Anyways, how's the sketch?"

"It's uh…a work in progress." I shrugged. "Yours?"

"Pretty good I think. You have a very interesting face to sketch you know?"

I didn't respond to her. She was talking to me so normally. It was a complete one eighty of the girl I had encountered in the library. She must've taken my silence as something bad because she suddenly got a worried look on her face.

"Did I say something wrong?" she turned to fully look at me, chewing her bottom lip in the process as she awaited my response.

"No, it's nothing. I was just thinking that your drawing will probably be a hell of a lot better than mine and I don't want you to be all pissed when you see mine. So, I just want to warn you in advance."

She relaxed instantly, and thankfully stopped biting her lip "Don't doubt yourself, I'm sure it'll come out fine." She nodded, turning back around to whatever it was she was doodling in her notebook.

_Oh, shit I'm in trouble. _

At the very moment she bit that lip, I had to fight back the sudden urge to take her hand and bring her to me and just kiss her senseless. Why did that one little gesture almost make me lose my mind? The same gesture that some other girl pulled on me earlier. How could I be disgusted by it one moment and so attracted to it the next?

Besides trying to contain my fucking hormones, Edward's voice was in my head again, rambling off bits of our conversation again.

'_She may seem all sweet and innocent but, there is something seriously wrong with that girl.' _

Our teacher showed up at the very moment, saying that we were to work with our partners for the rest of the period. Lucy decided to just keep quiet most of the time, only asking me a few questions now and then. I, on the other hand, didn't really do anything. I was too busy thinking about everything that had just went down.

After thinking about things for almost the entire class, I came to the conclusion that she wasn't trying to mess with my head and that she was perfectly fine. Maybe she was just having a bad day or some shit? It happens, right? Besides, girls have the tendency to be overly emotional and moody sometimes. Maybe it was just an off moment or something.

If she was having a bad day, I wondered what happened that made her so upset. The idea of her being upset about something or worse, someone upsetting her didn't sit too well with me. Why? Who the fuck knows.

And that's how the rest of my week pretty much went. Some days Lucy talked to me, other days she's didn't really say much. I was still trying to figure her out and I still wanted answers. But, I figured it'd be best if I waited at least until next week or something before I started grilling her about her life. What did I know? She might not even tell me anything. It could be a possibility because if she were to ask me things about my life before moving here, I probably wouldn't tell her much.

Finally, it was Friday. I had made it through the first week in this place. It wasn't easy but I did it. And they say if you can make it through week one, then you can make it through the rest of the year.

Today our art assignments were due. I had stayed up until three in the morning finishing the sketch of Lucy. I didn't know what to think about it but, then again, I wasn't the art expert. Unfortunately, Lucy was an expert. My only hope was that I didn't make her look horrible or anything. She didn't strike me as egotistical but, still, who wanted to see a screwed up sketch of themselves?

Lucy and I talked a bit more during lunch, our art project never coming up once. Over the past few days I had discovered that Lucy, when she decided to talk to me, was actually pretty easy to talk to. She didn't judge and she listened to everything with such interest. As if I was telling her the answers to all of the world's problems.

"Jasper, what's your favorite movie?" Lucy asked one of her random questions. When she felt like it, she'd ask me little things. These kinds of questions I didn't mind answering.

I thought for a moment before naming the first movie that came to mind "On the Waterfront."

"Really?" she tilted her head in though "huh, interesting."

"What did you think I was going to say? The Godfather?"

"I did, actually. But, I knew you wouldn't. You wouldn't pick the cliché guy movie. Though, I wasn't expecting you to say that one. I didn't think you'd be a fan of the black and whites."

"What's not to love about it? I mean shit, it has Marlon Brando in his prime."

"Yes, and oh that kiss." She sighed "It's a pretty good movie. So, you get points for that one."

"Your turn, Lucy. I told you mine, let's hear yours." I leaned back a bit in my seat and watched her. Without even blinking, she answered.

"West Side Story." Well, wasn't what I thought she was going to say but, I wasn't too surprised. Lucy looked like the type who'd fucking like musicals.

"A musical Lucy?"

"Oh, but it's so much more than that, Jasper." She shook her head, a faint smile on her face "It's about love at sight. No, not just that. It's about _forbidden _love and the consequences of it." She rambled on, her voice taking on a dream like tone to it.

"It's still a musical."

"Have you ever seen it?" she scoffed, clearly offended at my dislike of musicals.

"No."

"Then you have no idea what you're talking about." She concluded "One day, you must watch it. I guarantee you'll love it."

"I don't know about that." I shrugged. I thought about asking her if she was offering to bring it over so we could watch it. If that were the case, I guess it wouldn't too bad sitting through it. But, both the bell ringing and my sudden loss of confidence forced me to keep my mouth shut.

"See you in class." She waved at me as she made her way out of the library. I had to give it to Lucy. She sure knew how to make a guy second guess their own thoughts. I never knew what to expect from her. She could be perfectly fine one moment and then the next, she was completely ignoring me. Unless she was playing some kind of mind game, I'd venture to say that there was something up with this girl. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't anything bad.

I was both eager and anxious to see Lucy again. Seeing her again meant I had to show her the sketch. She, like always, was already in the class when I walked in. Except this time, she was sitting on the table, swinging her legs back and forth. As I crossed the room, about to reach her, someone came out of nowhere and approached her.

"You're looking gorgeous today Lucinda." A guy, one of the ones who sat in the back, was trying to flirt with her, placing his hand on the table beside her leg.

"Um, thank you?" she questioned, looking at him with wary eyes. If I were her, I'd be doubtful of this guy too. He just looked shady. One of those guys who liked to take advantage of the nice girls.

"So" he stepped in closer to her "What are you doing this weekend?" he didn't notice it but I sure as hell did. The moment he stepped closer to her, something flashed in her eyes and she backed up away from him a bit. He wasn't backing off and she wasn't say anything. I could feel my levels of anger and concern grow with each passing second. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't about to stand back and watch this idiot try to push himself on her.

"I don't think she's interested. Are you Lucy?" I stepped closer to them. She quickly shook her head no.

"Sorry man, I didn't know she was taken. Too bad, I would've loved to be the one who…"

"We're not together idiot. Not like you need to know that. Besides, she'd never give you the time of day. So, why don't you just go use your poor flirting skills on some other girl."

"Whatever man." He shrugged and walked away. I watched him before turning my attention back to Lucy. She was staring back at me, a look of fear and appreciation in her eyes. I had only known her for a week but, I knew this was one of _those _moments.

"Don't worry about him, Lucinda." I made sure to use the right name "Now come on, I'm dying to see this sketch." I sat beside her on the table and just waited. She sat there for a few moments, alternating between looking out the window and then back at me before she finally seemed to calm down. Finally coming back from wherever it was she went to when she just stopped talking.

"Can I see yours first?" she asked, a hint of excitement in her voice.

"How about at the same time?"

"Deal." She reached into her bag quickly, pulling out the drawing and I did the same. At the same time, we handed them each to the other. I didn't look at mine right away, I wanted to see her reaction.

Her face was fucking priceless. It was the perfect mix of confusion and happiness.

"I look so…_sad._" She whispered to herself "Is that what I look like all the time?"

"No. This was just one of the first images I had of you. On Monday when I walked in here and you were just staring out the window? I wanted to capture that look. Did I get it?"

"I was staring at a bird." She smiled "I was wondering what it would be like to just fly away and be free you know? Wow, you really did a number with my eyes. Are they really that blue and so…well, are they so intense?"

_Well, to me they are. _"You're just a passionate person, Lucy." I shrugged. "You must've been really thinking hard about being a bird that day I guess." I tried to play it off, making sure she didn't see that her eyes were all I had been thinking about this past week. Those eyes and the way she had been acting. In my mind, it made no sense. There was just something abnormal about it. Strange as her behavior was, I was still intrigued by this girl. And that wasn't really a good sign. To only know someone for a week and already have them occupy a lot of your thoughts.

"Look at yours now." She gingerly set down her picture so she could watch me. I picked up mine to look at it and had to do a double take of it at first. It was amazing. It was like I was looking at an actual picture or something.

Lucy had captured everything about me with such detail. Like my picture of her, she had also drawn me from that first day we met in the library. I was sitting at the table, glancing down at a book. But, what got me was that the look in my eyes, you could tell that I wasn't interested in the book at all. How the hell she pulled that off was beyond me. It was like this girl had seen through me. And that alone was a scary thought.

"It's good, Lucy. Really good." I set it down.

"No, yours is perfect. Who knew that looking at a bird would give such good inspiration right?"

"Apparently so." By the time we had showed each other, the teacher had arrived and it was time for class to start. She spent most of the time going over each drawing, giving critique and praise. For the most part, she gave a lot of critique, telling people where they could do better. However, when she got to Lucy, she had nothing but praise for that girl. Good, she deserved it. Surprisingly, she didn't rip my picture to shreds or call it horrible. Just a few things here and there and that was about it.

"See, and you were worried." Lucy gave me a knowing look before turning to look back at the sketch I had done of her. "It's absolutely perfect." She whispered.

And as the first week of school came to an end, I thought about everything that had happened. Well, not everything. Just the things that had to do with Lucy. She had gone from being fine one day to completely not the next and then back again. It was like this girl was playing a game of emotional ping pong. It was confusing as fuck but, I somehow got it. I just understood where she was coming from. Odd, because I didn't really know a whole lot about her. Sure, we knew a few surface things about one another but other than that, we were virtual strangers.

Strangers and yet, I wanted to know more about her. It went beyond me simply wanting to prove Edward wrong anymore. I was genuinely interested in knowing more about this girl. I had already broken my one rule the moment I started talking to her. Why not go all the way?

I wanted to get inside that head of hers, and just try and figure her out.

_If you do that, you run the risk of her getting inside of your head. You know that don't you?_

Of course I knew that. Didn't mean it was going to happen though. I had spent many years keeping all my truths to myself, never letting anyone see the real me. All they would see is what I let them. And, Lucy didn't seem like the one who'd press me for too much information. I'm sure if I refused to tell her certain things, she'd back off. If she did that though, that means I'd have to do the same for her. If there was something about her life she didn't want me to know, I'd have to drop it if she said so.

_You're crossing into dangerous territory my friend. Keep going and before you know it, you're going to be way in too deep with this girl. _

I highly doubted that.

_Oh, yea? Take a look Jasper. You're already obsessed with how she thinks, what she does and those eyes. You can't forget those eyes. Blue, piercing…_

Yea, yea so what? I didn't really know what I was doing here. The only things I was sure of was that one, I was going to get to know Lucy better and two, I was going to make sure to keep my life out of everything as much as possible. That way, the situation would boast well for the both of us.

Lucy. Lucinda. I was intrigued, I was curious.

I'd ask her questions, and she'd give me answers.

She'd ask me questions and I'd give her whichever version of my life I felt like.

It's the way things had to be. It's the way _I _wanted things to be.

* * *

**This chapter was a bunch of...well, random things. But, I needed you guys to see a bit more into Jasper's mind before the story continues. I hope you guys get the whole Lucy/Lucinda concept. If not, let me know and I'll try to explain it to you. It'll pop up a lot in this story. **

**I've personally never seen 'On the Waterfront' but I hear it's a great movie. But, West Side Story is My Favorite movie and seemed like the perfect movie for Lucy as well. Sigh.  
**

**Reviews=Love.  
**


	4. Darlin'

**A/N: I apologize for not getting this out on Friday but, real life takes priority sometimes. And I needed to handle that before I could handle this. As always, your reviews mean the world, they really do. It's the highlight of my day when I get them. Thank you to Meg, because she helped me out with this chapter when I was...incapable of thinking.  
**

**As always, I don't own anything; Only Lucy. Enjoy.**

* * *

**_Chapter 4: Darlin'_**

**Sweet Darling  
this is my confession to  
the crimes of wanting you badly  
And Darlin' if you're wondering  
here's your answer  
yes I like you  
I don't love you  
I can't love you...**

**Lucy  
**

You know sometimes when you wake up and you just have this feeling that today's not going to be a good day at all? Yea well, that's the feeling I got this morning.

Not only did I wake up late but, I also didn't get very much sleep the night before. I took the quickest shower possible and rushed down the stairs in hopes that my mom was still at home and would still give me a ride. When she took in my appearance that consisted of wet hair thrown into a messy bun, jeans, sweatshirt and a nice pair of dark circles under my eyes, she just sighed. Sighed but didn't say anything. It was a typical thing my mother did. She'd disapprove with the eyes and then for a brief second, she looked like she was about to ask me something but only ended up turning away, changing the subject entirely.

By the time I got to school, there was only a few minutes left before the bell rang. Luckily, I had my math book with my so I just sprinted to class, sliding into the classroom just as the bell rang. Thinking that the worst was over, I sat in my seat against the wall, wanting nothing more to just take a nap. But, of course, that didn't happen. We had a quiz that I was completely unprepared for. Math had always been my weak spot but, when you add an unexpected quiz, it was almost too much. Almost.

My other four classes were a blur. I'm pretty sure I was assigned some sort of essay in English but that was about it. By the time lunch rolled around, I was ready to just call it a day and go home. Of course, I could never do that. Good girl Lucinda would never just ditch school in the middle of the day. What would people think?

_Not much. They don't care if you showed up to school or not, Lucinda. _

As usual, I avoided everyone as much as possible as I made my way towards the library. As I was coming down one end of the hallway, I heard familiar footsteps coming from the other side. I knew who it was right away and like every other day, I wanted to plaster a huge smile on my face but, I didn't.

For the past month, for some reason I'm still not sure of, Jasper has still been meeting me in the library everyday during lunch. Normally, the thought of someone constantly sitting across me would make me extremely anxious. But, Jasper? He was was an exception I guess. No, I guess you could say that he was just becoming part of yet another one of my routines.

I don't even really know if he and I are even friends. But, friends or not, I'm still glad that he's actually _wanting _to stick around. Right?

Jasper and I reached the library at the same time but, much to my dismay, the door was locked.

"Oh, god." I felt the familiar feeling of panic creeping through my system. I turned towards him and he was looking at me with an odd expression on his face.

"So it's closed, we can just go someplace else for lunch." He shrugged.

_If only it were that simple._

"Outside?" I suggested, praying that he would agree. But, when he looked outside and saw the rain he just shook his head.

God, why did we have to live in a town where it rained in September!

"We'll just have to deal with the cafeteria for thirty minutes." He turned around and started making his way towards the cafeteria, otherwise known as my personal hell. When he noticed I wasn't following him, he stopped and turned back.

"Aren't you coming Lucy?" he looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and, against my will, I just went and started walking beside of him. I didn't really have a choice. Refusing to go would only raise questions and, I couldn't have that happen. Bad enough people already talked about me when they thought I couldn't hear. If only they knew the truth.

By the time we reached the cafeteria, most of the student body was in there already, talking loudly and just having a good time. Scanning the room quickly, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that there was a table over towards the back by one of the windows.

"I'm going to go sit down." I turned and told Jasper quickly and began walking before he would ask me anything. I could feel people's eyes on me as I made my way across the room to the empty table, hoping no one beat me to it. Thankfully no one did and I was able to slide into the hard plastic chair, and quickly pulled out a book and cast my eyes downward.

"They sure want to clog the arteries with all this shit." I jumped slightly when I saw a tray being set down across me and then relaxed when I saw it was just Jasper. "You want some?" He added after a few moments. I just glared up at him and bit my lip, my entire body filling with dread.

"Um, no it's okay. Thank you though." I tried to say as calmly as possible "I'm not really hungry." And then, in an act of defiance, my stomach made a rather loud growling noise.

"Your stomach seems to think otherwise." He pushed the tray slightly towards me. I instantly backed away from it, as if it held some type of disease.

"No." I breathed out, trying to stay calm. "I'm fine. I ate this morning." I reassured him.

"If you say so." He shrugged. It was one of the things I was beginning to appreciate about Jasper. He knew when not to press me for answers. Though, I'm not sure why he was like that. Either he was just very accepting or something happened that made him just not care that much.

Much like our time in the library, we sat in a comfortable silence, only saying something here and there. When there was about ten minutes left in the lunch period, his head suddenly snapped up and checked the time.

"Oh, Shit." He shook his head "I completely forget I have homework due for History. And that stupid book is in my locker. I'll be back, okay Lucy?" he stood up and I just nodded my head. After he left, I couldn't help but frown. I'd only known him for about a month but, I still wasn't used to his use of profanity all the time. Oh, well.

I couldn't have been sitting there for more than three minutes alone when I could see two people approaching me from the corner of my eye.

"Well, well…so I guess the rumors aren't true." I gently set my book on the table and cautiously glanced up and was met with the fake smile of a girl who had always given me a hard time.

"Hello Jessica." I tried to be friendly as possible. I turned to her boyfriend and nodded at him as well. I believed his name was James.

"You know Lucinda, I don't think in the time that we've been here have I ever seen you in the cafeteria."

"Yea, well I like to keep to myself most of the time." I shrugged slightly, trying to stay calm. But, with my hands in my lap, I started snapping my rubber band against my wrist a few times.

"I heard you had an eating disorder Lucy." She smirked "And from the looks of things, I'd venture to say that maybe the rumors _are_ true. You're so pale and disgustingly skinny. Do you _ever _eat?"

My eyes slightly narrowed at her. "Of course I eat Jessica. Just because I don't waste my time here with the likes of you…now, why don't you carry on and just pretend I'm not here. You've been doing a pretty good job at it the past few years."

She rolled her eyes at me before turning on her heel and began to walk away. As she sauntered off with her boyfriend, I could hear her mutter the words "crazy bitch" to him. Without thinking twice, I stood up and walked up behind her and grabbed a handful of that fake blonde hair of hers and pulled her back. But, she didn't fall. She was stronger than I was. She was a volleyball player after all. She did however stumble back a bit.

"Let me go." She hissed, trying to move out of my grasp.

"Apologize." I choked out "Now.." I pulled her hair tighter and the entire room was watching us now.

"You really are crazy…" she spat at me and I let go of her instantly, her words hitting me full force.

"I'm not crazy." I shook my head. And then suddenly her big boyfriend was towering over me.

"Look" he grabbed my wrist in his hand and pulled me towards him "Why don't you go back to where you belong." His words were cold and heartless. I didn't respond. I was too busy trying to stop the pain that was shooting up my arm and the amount of panic that was flowing through my system.

"Let me go." I whispered in pain. He didn't.

"Hey!" someone yelled and I saw a hand move towards the one that was gripping me. "I suggest you back off." After a few intense moments, my wrist was suddenly released and I quickly cradled it against my chest, fighting back the years that were forming.

"Did he hurt you?" Jasper was suddenly standing in front of me. I shook my head no but let out a small gasp when he gently touched my wrist. His eyes suddenly glazed over with anger and he turned away from me, going straight for James and, without blinking, he punched him with such force that he fell over on one of the tables. Jasper didn't stop there, he walked over and grabbed James by his neck and held him down against the table.

"Don't you _ever_ touch her again…you got it asshole?" he slammed his head against the table once more before just walking away from him. "Come on Lucy." He gingerly wrapped an arm around my shoulder as we walked back to get our stuff off the table. He picked up my stuff and threw his backpack over his shoulder. We saw his brother approaching us as we headed towards the door.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he whispered "Are you trying to get kicked out of school again?" I looked up at him. What did he mean by again?

"Give me your keys Edward." Jasper spoke calmly, but he was anything but.

"What? I'm not giving you…"

"Give me" he raised his voice a fraction "the fucking keys Edward. I need to have someone look at her wrist."

"Fine. But don't expect me to be the one to explain this to you know who."

"Yea, yea." He grabbed the keys and we walked out to the parking lot. He opened the car door for me and helped me get in.

"Where are you taking me?" I leaned against the seat, finally being able to breathe a bit better.

"I'm taking you to see my…Carlisle." He started the car and drove off quickly.

"Your Carlisle?" I looked over at him.

"Yes, you need to get that checked out." He glanced down at my wrist.

"No Jasper!" I screamed slightly "I don't need to go to the doctor. It's not broken, I swear. Just hurts."

"You don't know that Lucy. Are you a doctor?"

"No" I mumbled "But I'm pretty sure I just need some ice."

"Ice?" he rolled his eyes "Your wrist could be broken Lucy."

"No, it's not" I took a deep breath and moved it slightly. Even though it killed me, I knew that by moving it, it wasn't broken "See?" I exhaled slowly.

"Fine, it's your wrist." He shrugged and began driving somewhere.

"Now where are you taking me?" I blew some of my hair out of my face.

**Jasper**

"Now where are you taking me?" she asked, and she was starting to bug the shit out me with all her questions.

"Jesus Christ, I'm taking you to my fucking house so I can get you the damn ice…or do you have some sort of protest to that idea as well?" I snapped at her, slamming on the breaks when he hit a red light. She hadn't been expecting it so she sort of lurched forward, almost hitting her head on the dashboard.

She glanced up at me with those damn blue eyes of hers and just shook her head slowly. She was scared. _Great._

The ten minute drive to the house was quiet and tense. Lucy didn't say or ask anything else, she just held onto her wrist and stared out the window.

As we pulled into the driveway, her facial expression suddenly changed.

"This is your house?" she awed at it "It's so…so beautiful." She gaped some more.

"Yea well, the Cullens certainly don't know what it means to be discreet." I shut the car off and just sat there for a few moments.

"Sounds like someone I know." Lucy mumbled to herself. Whether she was just being sarcastic or honest I wasn't sure "Your father's a good man Jasper. He's helped a lot of people so, he I think he deserves to live the 'good life' as if were." She turned to look at me, and I just wanted to smack some sense into this girl.

"You have no idea what kind of man Carlisle is." I looked away from her.

"Well, I know he's kind and very compassionate." She whispered "He treated me once."

"Really? When?"

"A few months after we moved here….I um…." She looked down at her hands nervously.

"You what?"

"I fell out of a tree. I don't remember much about doctor Cullen because I was so doped up on pain medication but I do remember that he was extremely nice and extremely handsome. You know, you have his…" she glanced at me more intently.

"I don't want to hear it" I cut her off "And what do you mean after you moved here? You haven't lived here all your life?"

Her face seemed to go a little pale when I asked her.

"No. Why?"

"Because I'm fucking curious. Now, let's get inside so I can get you that ice." I got out and walked around so I could help her. She followed slowly beside me. I watched her from the corner of my eye as I opened the door. She looked relatively calm but, something seemed a bit off. Almost like she was leaving something out. And, somehow, I was going to get her to tell me why.

The look on her face when we finally walked inside the house was typical. She was clearly in awe of what she saw but, probably for my sake, she didn't say anything. She just looked in silence as I led her into the living room.

"I'll go get the ice. Just sit down alright?"

She gave me a nod as I headed towards the kitchen. Grabbing what I needed, I returned a minute later and sat beside her. Not saying anything, I attempted to put the ice on her wrist but she backed away.

"I can do it." She tried to reach for the ice but I pulled it away from her "I'm not a kid, Jasper."

"No. You didn't want to go to the hospital so now you're just going to have to let me do it."

Sighing in defeat, she lowered her good arm and laid it across her lap.

"Give me your wrist." I sat beside her and waited for her to slowly outstretch her left arm towards me. I gently placed it against her wrist while my other hand gently supported hers. I should've taken note of the fact that she seemed to tense up a bit when I touched her but, it was the last thing on my mind. With my hands touching her wrist, I noted just how small it was; Almost breakable. No wonder that idiot had hurt her so badly. God, I would've loved to just bash his head in even more. If only we weren't in school, in a room full of people. Still, just the thought of his hands on Lucy made my temper flare up again. So much so that I accidentally put too much pressure on her wrist and she winced in pain.

"Did I hurt you?" I immediately loosened my grip a bit.

"No." she lied and cringed again when I added the slightest amount of pressure.

"You're a horrible liar, Lucy."

She just shrugged. Whether that meant she was agreeing or denying I wasn't sure. I kept the applying the ice against her, while at the same time taking the time to actually look and feel the hand I was holding. I hadn't really thought about what it would be like to have this kind of contact with her. Sure, it crossed my mind but I didn't think I'd actually be sitting here, tending to her fragile wrist.

Her skin was soft, warm and I suddenly wanted to feel more of it.

"You know" I eventually removed the ice once it started melting "You're probably going to have a bruised wrist tomorrow." With my hand still supporting her, I inched a little higher up her arm.

"It's alright" she paused when she undoubtedly felt my hand move again "I sort of have of a thing for bruises. They just…fascinate me." she shrugged slightly.

I frowned. A thing for bruises? That was…well, that was just fucking weird.

But, fascination? Fascination I got; I knew what that was like.

Because at the very moment, I was suddenly completely fascinated with _her._ A few more moments and my hand was holding her right below her elbow. I looked at my hand and then back to her at the same time she peered up at me, a confused and nervous look on her face. I didn't even have to say anything; she knew what I was thinking. At least, I think she knew.

I didn't really know what came over me but, I suddenly felt myself drifting closer to her; As if she was pulling on some invisible string.

And, being as I was still holding her arm and she clearly wasn't strong enough to pull out of my grasp, I decided to just go for it. Quickly leaning in, I focused my gaze on her for a few seconds before going in to kiss her. Up until now, I hadn't even thought about how soft those lips must feel. So eager to suddenly feel them, I was more than just disappointed when I didn't immediately feel them against mine. No, I was fucking irritated when I realized that she had actually pulled away from me.

"What….what are you doing?" she asked, a bit flustered

"What does it look like I'm doing?" the frustration was evident in my voice. I think it startled her a little bit because a peculiar look crossed her face.

"I'm sorry." she tilted her head, no doubt trying to figure out what my deal was.

"Don't apologize." I let go of her arm gently. _Because I sure as hell won't. _"I…I don't even know what I was thinking."

"You tried to kiss me." she said softly but she wasn't looking at me. "Why?"

"Because I felt like it. Besides, I just so happen to find you..._pretty?_" Why the word came out more like a question than a statement was beyond me.

When I didn't add anything else to that statement, I could see the wheels starting to turn in her mind. And after a few moments, she looked both scared and angry with me.

"Is that why..." she looked up at me "Is that why you've been coming to sit with me everyday? Is that why you brought me here? To just...try and kiss me?"

"No." I stared at her. Where the hell did she come up with these ideas? "What's with girls? You think that when a guy starts showing you the smallest amount of attention that there's some sort of hidden motive. I'm telling you now, that isn't the case with me." Honestly, I didn't know what the deal was here. I had no idea what I was doing when it came to Lucy.

"I don't know, Jasper. I'm...I mean...I really hope I haven't been giving you the wrong impression about anything. If I have, I'm sorry. I just...we..me and you..we can't." she rambled and I didn't know what she was talking about.

"It's fine, Lucy. I tried to kiss you and you didn't let me. So I got a bit irritated, that's natural for me." I shrugged. "But, it's obvious that kissing people you don't really know isn't up your alley. So, what do you say? Can we just be friends?" Because I really didn't want to lose Lucy. Yes, I didn't technically have her and she didn't belong to me but, I didn't want her to stop talking to me just because I couldn't control my hormones.

"Friends?" she looked a bit skeptical.

"Yea, you know, friends?" The concept wasn't that difficult was it?

"I guess we can be friends, Jasper. But...you have to promise me something."

When she asked me that, my guard once again went up. I didn't really like making promises. Because making promises were useless in my opinion. Someone always ended up breaking them.

"Depends on the promise."

"We can be friends if..." she sighed "if you promise not to fall in love with me."

Well, that sure wasn't what I was expecting her to say. But, I was beginning to see that Lucy wasn't as predictable as I thought she was.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm really serious. You have to promise me..."

"Fine." I cut her off "I promise you. I won't fall in love with you. I _can't _fall in love with you, Lucy. I just can't." I told her truthfully. There was no fucking way. No, falling in love was simply out of the question. I expected her to yell or start crying when I told her I refused to fall in love. But, if anything, she looked relieved.

"Ok, good." she nodded and turned slightly so she could lean back against the couch. She shut her eyes and for a few moments, it was silent. I don't know what she was thinking but, I was trying to figure out what had just happened. When I couldn't think of a good enough reason, I decided to just change the subject. I needed to. The conversation was getting to personal and I couldn't let that happen.

"So are you going to tell me what happened after I left?"

She immediately opened her eyes and looked at me, an embarrassed look on her face.

"I don't really know. I mean, one minute that Jessica girl was saying all these things about me and then when she walked away from me, I just got up and followed her. I...well, I um pulled her hair and told her to apologize to me. She refused and she called me crazy." she shrugged "And then that's when her huge boyfriend got involved, protecting her obviously. And well, that's when you showed up..."

"What did she say to you that made you attack her?"

"She said that there are rumors going around school about me. Something about how I have an eating disorder or something."

"Oh, that bitch." I mumbled "Lucy, you can't let her get to you. People like her thrive on making people feel weak and small just so they can feel important."

"Do people really say things like that about me? I mean, yea I knew that people talked about me behind my back. I just didn't know they were saying things like _that_."

"I haven't heard them say anything. But that doesn't mean that they _aren't_ saying things you know? But, screw them, what do they know?"

"I don't have a eating disorder you know."

"And I believe you."

"Really?" she looked shocked "Just like that?"

"Yes. It's what friends do, Lucy. And if you tell me something, then I'm going to take your word for it. I doubt you're lying so I'm just going to believe you."

"That's really nice of you."

"Yea, well...don't get too used to it. I'm telling you now that I'm not the nicest person out there. In fact, I'm probably the last person you should be friends with."

She just scoffed. "I don't care what kind of person you are. Besides, anyone who beats up someone on behalf is alright in my book." she gave me a bit of a smile. I quickly racked my brain for another question, refusing to stare at that smile any longer.

"I would've given anything to seen you pull that girl's hair. I didn't think you had it in you. You're such a...well shit, you're such a _good _girl."

"I guess so." she looked away for a second before looking back at me "Thank you...for you know, protecting me."

"Uh, yea...it was nothing. I wasn't about to stand there and let that asshole hurt you, Lucy. I would've done the same if it was someone else."

_That's a fucking lie and you know it. _

Yea, it was a lie. If it would've been someone other than Lucy, I probably wouldn't even have looked twice. Because, there was just something about Lucy. That stupid invisible string. But, if I told her that, she would probably start to get the wrong idea. I had just promised this girl that we'd only be friends after all.

"You would?"

I just shrugged "Don't worry about it. All that matters is that I'm not going to let that guy even come near you again. Not if I have anything to do with it."

"Oh." she nodded "Well, thanks for that too."

We spent the next forty five minutes just talking about useless things.

"I should take you home Lucy. Unless you want to go back to school."

"No thanks." she frowned "I don't want to go back. I just want to take a nap."

"Well, alright then. Come on, you just tell me where you live and I'll drop you off."

"Ok." she got up from the couch and grabbed her bag. A few minutes later, we were back in the car and heading out. She gave me the directions to her house and then just got silent. I was used to it by now though. Normally silence drove me crazy but with her, it was more of a comfortable silence. Why talk when there was no need? Besides, the silence gave me more time to think. Trying to figure out just what exactly was going on here.

Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up to her house and turned off the car.

"Thanks again, Jasper. I really do appreciate it. No one has ever...well, you know." she looked over at me.

"It's fine. We're friends remember? Officially I guess. It's what friends do. So, you don't have to thank me a hundred times for things alright?"

"That doesn't seem...proper." she frowned.

"Just..once is enough okay?"

"If you say so. Well, I'll...." she stopped when she heard a noise coming up from behind us.

"Oh, great." her voice grew a bit frantic. She started rambling but I didn't really understand her. She was speaking quickly and in Spanish.

"Get out of the car." she whispered as she opened the door "They won't let you leave..."

"Who?" I watched her as she got out. She obviously didn't hear me so I got out too. When I got out, that's when I noticed what that noise was. It was the sound of another car pulling into the driveway. But, it wasn't just anyone in the car. It was her _parents_.

"Well Lucinda" her mother looked at the two of us "Don't be rude. Introduce me to your friend."

"Yes, and then you can tell me why you aren't in school." a man came up and stood beside Lucy's mother; Her father obviously. He had a stern look on his face and he didn't look at all pleased to see me standing next to his daughter. "So, start talking _Lucinda._" the accent in voice became more apparent and I saw Lucy wince a bit when he changed his tone. She glanced at me, offering me an 'I'm so sorry' look before she got ready to talk.

Oh, well this was just fucking perfect.

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**I hope you guys liked this one. I mean, who doesn't love an angry Jasper? And I know, I so took that 'promise not to fall in love with me' from the movie A Walk to Remember but, it just fit so perfectly here. I admit, Lucy's fascination of bruises...comes from real life. But, to each their own right?  
**

**The title of this chapter is the song 'Darlin' by Between the Trees. The song is AMAZING and I recommend you listen to it. **

**As always, reviews are love. I'm excited for you guys to read the next chapter...sigh, Jasper's got to face Lucy's parents.  
**


	5. Numb

**A/N: First of all, I want to thank you ALL for your amazing reviews and continued support. It truly means the world. **

**Before I continue, I want to dedicate this chapter to someone special. Someone who was my rock, my inspiration for so many years. A person who I unfortunately lost last week. She will forever be in my heart. She didn't know about my stories but, I know that she would have believed and supported me no matter what. I love her and she'll forever be missed. **

**As usual, I own nothing; Just Lucy and all her thoughts. **

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**Chapter 5: Numb  
**_**  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface  
I don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
Can't you see that you're smothering me?  
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control  
'Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you...  
**_**  
**

Standing there in front of Lucy's parents for what seemed like forever was killing me. The tension was obvious. Why the hell there was tension in the first place was anyone's guess. I didn't know them and they didn't know me. Well, that was all about to change apparently. Lucy was just standing there next to me, not saying a word. I didn't know what she was waiting for. She had already attempted two times to say something but she would always stop. Almost like...almost like she scared or something.

Her not saying anything gave me a few minutes to take a closer look at her parents. Her father, the obvious man of the house, had a very cold demeanor. Not cold in the sense that he would brush you off as if you were nothing. No, cold in the sense that he was sending a message to people. A message that read _'fuck off.'_ That is, if he could really say that. But, even I was smart enough to know that this man wasn't one you wanted to mess with. Especially I'm sure when it came to his daughter.

Yea I was smart enough but, didn't mean I was going to listen to my moral conscious. Where was the fun in that?

Turing to glance at her mother, it was easy to see who Lucy took after. She had the same light skin and dark hair. Even at her age, she was still a beautiful woman. And that beauty obviously was passed down to her daughter.

_Oh, you idiot. _

What? I was just making a simple observation. Any guy would agree with me. Right?

Even though her mother was undoubtedly pretty, there was something about her. Something that was a bit off. The way she stood there and stared at me? It was almost like she wasn't really looking at me. No, it was like she was seeing someone else. Someone or something and it wasn't bringing up good memories for her because before long, there was a look of longing and sadness on her face. Whatever her deal was, I didn't want to know or even attempt to figure out.

"Well" Lucy's father stepped closer to us, snapping me out of my observation of them "Are you going to introduce to your friend or not Lucinda?" I watched out of the corner of my eye as something changed in Lucy's stance. She didn't seem to stand as tall in the presence of her father. She didn't seem as bright when her mother was staring down at her.

"Um, well...mom, dad" she looked at them "This is my Jasper." she finally got out "Oh, god. No, no..I mean my friend. Jasper." she was rambling and she actually looked nervous. I thought it was pretty hilarious but I kept my mouth shut.

"I think what she's _trying _to say" I stepped in when Lucy just stopped talking "Is that I'm her friend Jasper."

"I'm well aware of what my daughter was saying." her father looked at me "What I'm trying to figure out is why you two are friends? You said you didn't know this boy Lucinda." he turned towards her and her eyes widened.

Well shit, she was on her own there. Besides, I wanted to hear what she was going to say.

"Well, I didn't at first" she quickly pulled herself together "Something happened and our art partners ended up getting switched around and that's how he and I know one another. He's my art partner."

"And just how does that explain to me why the two of you are here right now? When you should be in school young lady."

"I fell." she replied quickly "I slipped in one of the hallways while I was walking to the cafeteria. You know, it was wet since it was raining earlier? And Jasper just so happened to be there and he helped me. He wanted to take me to see his father. He was just trying to be nice."

"This isn't the hospital. What are you doing _here?_" he repeated. God, this man was relentless.

"I told him we didn't need to go bother his father at the hospital. It was just a fall and my wrist just hurts but it's not broken. So I asked him to bring me home so that I could get some ice. Nothing more, nothing less." she looked down slightly when she was done.

I turned and looked at her quickly. I took it back; when it came down to it, Lucy was a pretty good liar. To just come up with that shit on the spot? This girl obviously had experience with lying to her parents.

"You fell?" her mother looked at her, a disapproving look on her face "_dejame ver_." she finished and Lucy instantly had her arm out for her mother to inspect. I had very little knowledge in the Spanish language but from what I saw, my guess was that Lucy's mother was asking to see her wrist.

"_Ay Lucinda_." she shook her head "Come, I have something to put on it." Lucy didn't move right away; She looked at me, almost with a look of terror "_Vamos, Lucinda_." her mother called her again.

"Go with your mother, Lucinda. I want to stay out here and talk with your friend." _Oh, shit. _

"I'll be right back." she squeaked, shaking her head as she followed her mother inside the house.

"I believe that we should properly meet first. I'm Oscar Ramirez." he took out his hand for me to shake and I stared at him for a second before just shaking it. And damn did this man have a strong grip. There was something about him. I had a feeling that Lucy's dad hadn't always been a pastor. Shit, I'd bet anything that he was some delinquent back in his day.

"You don't fool me, Jasper" he let go of my hand and crossed his arms across his chest "I know your type. _I_ used to be just like you." Bingo. "That is, until I gave my life to God. Now I help people like _you_."

Oh, Jesus. This wasn't happening was it?

"Look, Mr. Ramirez, you don't know anything about me alright? So, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't just put me into the category of being some horrible sinner."

"Oh, we're all sinners son. It's a matter of whether or not we choose to change that image."

"I'm not looking to be saved ok?"

"I will not have my daughter associating with the likes of you. Do you understand me?" he stepped in closer to me "She is a good person. I don't need you tainting her. We moved here to get away from all of that."

_Tainting_? Who the hell did this guy think he was?

"I'm pretty sure that she can make her own decisions." I shrugged "And until she tells me herself that she doesn't want to see me anymore, I'm going to keep being her friend. Because you know what? Lucy is a good person. She's genuine, smart and..."

"She may be smart but she's also naive. Lucinda tends to always want to see the best in people. And you are no exception young man. I'm sure my daughter thinks that you're like the boys she grew up with before we moved here but, I'm telling you this right now…I refuse to let her get involved with you."

"Again, if she tells me she doesn't want me around, then I'll stop. But, until then, I'm not going to listen to you and your ridiculous logic. I don't know what you may have heard about me but, that doesn't mean you know me. You don't know a damn thing."

"And that right there" his voice grew a bit tense "Is why my daughter is going to stay far away from you."

"What's going on?" the two of us looked back up and saw Lucy and her mother standing there, confused looks on both their faces.

"I was just telling this boy here that he is to stay away from Lucinda."

"You what? Dad, that's not fair…" Lucy began to protest but, with one glare from him, she stopped talking immediately.

"You know the rules, Lucinda. I don't care how nice he was to you today. What have I told you time and time again?"

"Dad." she whispered, looking down and away from me.

"Boys" he continued "Especially ones like him, they only want one thing from girls like you. They take nice, innocent girls like you and…" he shook his head for a moment "You know what he's after don't pretend for a second you don't."

"I'm sorry" I looked at him "I'd appreciate if you didn't speak on my behalf, alright? I'm not trying to get anything from Lucy. I didn't help her because I wanted something in return."

"Young man, I don't know about the kind of household you grew up in but, in this household, the women wait until they're married before engaging in sexual activity."

This was getting absolutely ridiculous. And her father's statement was an obvious low blow at my life before moving here. Of course he had heard the rumors floating around. It wasn't hard to figure out. Of course _my _upbringing would be called into question. Because, God forbid anyone look down upon the great Dr. Cullen.

I glanced at Lucy, who was standing there with an odd expression. I realized that she was thinking about what she just heard her father said.

"Dad!" she choked out when she got what he had meant.

"Oscar" Lucy's mother called him but he didn't pay attention to her.

"No, Elena. He needs to understand that I'm not going to allow him to take advantage of my daughter, simply because she's too nice and naïve to see what he's really about. I'm not fooled. I see right through you."

"I hardly doubt that."

"Fine. Then you tell me right now that you had no intention what's so ever to bring my daughter back here to try and do something?"

I opened my mouth to tell him that he was completely wrong but, when I saw the look in his eyes, I changed my mind. He wanted some hormonal, teenage jerk? Well, I was about to give it him.

"You know what? You're right." I stepped closer to Lucy, wrapping an arm around her shoulder "That's _exactly _what I wanted to do. Sleeping with you daughter is all I've been thinking about from the moment I met her. And I was so close today. But damn, I guess next time. Right, Lucy?" I looked down at her and she looked mortified, almost to the point of fainting.

Glancing back up at her father, he looked like he was going to take a swing at me but, he held his anger back. I dropped my arm from Lucy and crossed them across my chest.

"Isn't it fucking mind boggling when someone starts saying things that make absolutely no sense?" I shrugged. "Now you know what it's like. Give her some credit Mr. Ramirez. Lucy's a good girl. She wouldn't let the 'likes' of me just take advantage of her. She's too smart for that shit."

"I think you should leave." he retorted and I wanted to laugh. That's the best he could come up with? I turned to face Lucy. If she wanted me to leave, I would.

"No, he can stay dad. He's my friend." she nodded her head.

"Lucinda" he began.

"_Oscar.._" Lucy's mother cut him off in a warning tone all her own. That's all I got because then she started speaking in Spanish to him, her eyes narrowed and her hands moving about. Each time he tried to protest, she just kept going. Kept going until he eventually gave up.

"Fine, but he's not to come in to the house understand?"

"Fine by me. It was nice to meet you." I turned away from her parents so that I could just see her.

"Come on, Jasper." she frowned, walking away towards the side of the house. I followed her until we ended up by a large tree with a bench underneath it.

"It's not too wet" she shrugged out of her sweatshirt, setting it down so she could sit. I did the same thing before sitting beside her.

"I'm really, really sorry about my parents. They're just…" she sighed, thinking of the word.

"Don't apologize for them. I don't really care what they think of me. Besides, there's something else I want to talk about other than your parents."

"Oh?"

"Tell me about your life before you moved here."

"Excuse me?" she looked at me.

"Your dad said that you guys moved here to get away from people like me. Which, from what he thinks of me, I assume he means people who are a bad influence. So, spill. What's the deal? Why did you move to this small town?"

"I…I mean we…we moved here about three years ago from Los Angeles." she folded her hands, setting them in her lap "We didn't live in such a great part of town. You know gangs, violence? Not the best place to raise a child. But, I lived there all my life until one day, dad decided that it'd be best if we got out of there. That being there wasn't the best for me. He wanted to give me a better opportunity."

"Why? How could you just suddenly pack up and leave? And why here? It's a sort of far from California don't you think?"

"Nothing happened" she said quickly, almost too quickly "And my dad picked this town because it's pretty much the complete opposite of where we used to live. Literally. To go from sunny California to rainy Washington hasn't been the easiest transition. In more ways than one."

"How so?"

"Have you even been to a new school?" she asked and I just stared at her "I mean, before now obviously." she clarified.

"No." I admitted. "Until now, I went to the same school and for the most part, with the same people."

"That was me before I moved here. Growing up, I went to the elementary school a few blocks from my house and then to the middle school. I was surrounded by basically the same people, my friends. But then, all that changed. Not only did I have to move to a different state, deal with the fact that I was going into high school but, I was having to do it all on my own. And the feeling I got that first day of school, it hasn't gone away. A feeling of anxiety and nervousness. I may be shy but I'm not stupid. I know what people think about me. I knew it the moment I stepped foot on campus. Even the teachers looked at me funny. I was new, different and that automatically made me an outsider. The girl from California. That's what they called me for months, Jasper. Just 'her' or 'that girl.' No one even bothered to remember my name." there was hardly any emotion in her voice. She didn't sound angry or hurt. No, she just sounded…numb.

"I…uh, shit" I frowned. I didn't know how to respond to that. I didn't really know what she was dealing with. Yes, I had come to a new state and new school but, people weren't treating me like they did her. And it pissed me off. What was so wrong with Lucy? She was smart, pretty. God, the people at school were making me hate them even more now.

"Why do you think they did that to you? And why didn't you say anything to them or to your parents for that matter?"

She shrugged, a faint smile wanting to cross her lips "It's a mad world, Jasper."

"It's a what?"

"You know…like the song?" I shook my head. I had no idea what she was talking about. "Oh, here hang on a minute." she jumped up and ran into her house. I sat and waited for her, glancing up at the tree I was sitting under. Lucy's voice popped into my head as I stared at the branches.

'_A few months after I moved here, I fell out of a tree…' _

How did someone just fall out of a tree? Well, of course it was possible but, Lucy didn't strike me as one who just hung out in trees in her spare time. No, there was something more to that. And, from what she had just told me about how the students treated her, it was beginning to look like perhaps Lucy didn't actually fall. It was just her cover story. No, my bet was that she probably _jumped _out of the tree.

But, jumping out of the tree would be stupid. Why would she jump? Unless she was trying to…

"Back." Lucy sat back beside me, stopping me from piecing everything together. "Here." she handed me something and I noticed it was her iPod. "Listen to this." I put the headphones in my ears and waited for her to press play.

_Hide my head I want drown my sorrow, no tomorrow_

_And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad_

_The dreams in which in dyin' are the best I've ever had_

_I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take_

_When people run in circles, it's a very, very…mad world._

_Children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday…_

_Made to feel the way that every child should, sit and listen…_

_Went to school and I was very nervous, no one knew me._

_Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson? _

_Look right thru me…_

_And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad_

_The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had_

_I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take_

_When people run in circles, it's a very, very mad world…_

The song ended and she took it back and awaited my reaction. I was trying to make sense of it but, I really had no idea why she had me listen to that song. I mean yes, I get what the song was saying but I was still lost.

"Don't you get it Jasper? My parents are so caught up in their lives that they don't stop and look at what's right in front of them. Besides, even if I told them, they wouldn't believe it. I'm supposed to be this friendly, nice girl who shouldn't have problems making friends. In case you didn't notice, I had to lie to their faces. Because good girl Lucinda wouldn't have gotten into a fight with some girl. I have a part to play…" she trailed off, eyes widening at her last statement.

"Well, I know a thing or two about playing the part. But, why lie to them Lucy?"

"Telling them truth would lead to too many questions. And most of the time, my answers are never good enough for my parents. They always want to know more or some better answer. And frankly, it's not worth it. I'd rather they not know. I'd rather they just go on believing that I'm this perfect little girl."

"That's sort of a shitty excuse, Lucy. Just because you don't want to deal with your parents. You should tell them what you really think."

"You don't understand." she stared straight in front of her "You don't know what it's like. To have them think of you of this smart, shy and innocent girl for so long, I can't give them any less. I have to give them the version of Lucinda that they have in their minds. They don't know it but, there's so much pressure to be perfect. To not let anything slip…to just, be who they want me to be."

"And the real Lucy?" I pressed "What's she like?"

"I honestly don't know. All I know is that I refuse to let them down. Especially after…" she paused "Well, never mind that. So anyways" she changed the subject "That's pretty much what my life has been here since I moved here. Ignored by the people at school and trying to be the perfect daughter of Pastor and Mrs. Ramirez." she sighed. "That's all. Sometimes, it's just better to be numb to everything than to feel anything." She shrugged.

"Well, thanks for telling me I guess." I didn't really know what to make of the information she had just given me.

"Can I ask you something now?"

"Just one question." I responded hesitantly. "One." I repeated.

Without blinking she asked "Why did you move here?"

_Shit. _The one question I didn't want her to ask me and the one I really didn't want to answer. Of course she'd pick that one. But, I had to tell her something. I couldn't just leave her there without an answer. She had just told me a lot, I at least could give her something.

After a few seconds, I turned to look at her more and gave her the smallest version of the truth possible.

"My mom died." I told her quickly.

"And?" her eyes softened a bit.

"And that's why I fucking moved here alright?"

"Alright, alright." She held her hands up, shaking her head "_Caviloso._" She mumbled under her breath.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Don't worry about it." She shrugged, giving me a small smile.

We spent the next few minutes just wrapping up our conversation before I decided it was time to get going.

"It was an uh, interesting afternoon, Lucy." I stood, grabbing my sweatshirt.

"I know."

"You coming to school tomorrow?"

"Um, yes?" she frowned "It was just a fall remember? There's no way my parents would just let me stay home because I had a clumsy moment in the hallway."

"Oh yea, right. Well, I better go. See you tomorrow."

"Bye." She waved, remaining seated on the bench and I could feel her eyes watching me as I walked away. Any other girl and I'd say she was checking me out but Lucy? I think she was just watching me.

Driving away, I thought about all the information I had learned today. Meeting Lucy's parents had given me the smallest glimpse into Lucy's life. A life that wasn't the best. From what I saw and heard, Lucy was willing to do just about anything to make her parents happy; to keep them calm. She lied straight to their faces for the sake of not being asked too many questions.

As fucked up as that was, I oddly understood. She said that she had playing a part for a very long time. The part of perfect daughter. But, maybe she didn't know that perfection often times came with a price? You push yourself so much that eventually, you can't distinguish real life from fantasy.

_Yea, and you would know all about playing a part don't you? _

That I did. And that's why this was bothering me so much. If Lucy's parents could just open their eyes and look at what they're were doing to their daughter then maybe…well, maybe she wouldn't have to pretend anymore.

As I pulled into the driveway, I thought back to earlier today when she looked absolutely petrified when we had to sit in the cafeteria. And she practically ran away screaming when I offered her something to eat.

_She's willing to do anything to play her perfect role…_

No. She told me herself. I don't care what her home life was like. There was no way that Lucy would go to such an extreme. Right? Lucy was smart. She wouldn't do something stupid like that. She said herself.

_Did you not just see her lie to her parents without so much as batting an eyelash? What makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you? _

If that were the case. If Lucy was lying to me, I was going to be…well shit, I don't know how I'd feel. Because, I couldn't really be angry with her. She didn't owe me anything. I sure as hell wasn't offering her any information either.

But why would she lie to me? There was no reason for her to put on a front when she was around me. I was the last person who would judge her about anything she did or said. Then again, she did say she had been doing it for a long time. Maybe it was just second nature to her now. Maybe she just lied to everyone. Lied to keep everyone out so that they wouldn't know the real her.

Walking into the house, seeing Carlisle and Esme sitting on the couch, something hit me. I knew at this very moment, I was probably going to have to lie. Lie so that they didn't know they entire truth.

Knowing the truth sometimes wasn't the best. Sometimes the truth could be dark, ugly and it was best if people didn't know about it.

So, if Lucy was lying to me then what was she hiding? Why was she so hell bent on being perfect? What was with her parents and why had her mom stared at me funny. Like she was seeing someone else?

Meeting Lucy's parents had given me both insight and left me with a feeling of even more confusion when it came to her.

Today, I found out that Lucy led a very different life than I thought. She was pretending on a daily basis, refusing to let anyone see anything other than what she wanted them to see. She was so damn shy and secretive.

In her words, she was living in a 'mad world.' What the fuck that meant was beyond me. On the outside, Lucy's life...even my life for that matter seemed relatively perfect.

But, it was becoming clear that life was far from perfect.

No, if anything, life was crazy and screwed up.

And Lucy? Well Lucy seems to have become numb to everything and everyone around her. And that was never a good sign. Again, I would know.

To always hide what you really think and feel? It was just a cause for disaster. Soon enough, all the lies were going to catch up to you and eventually, someone was going to break.

This was just the beginning; there was much more to Lucy than she was letting on. Perfect or not, there was something behind her lies, her eyes and little smiles.

"Jasper?" my intense train of thought was cut off as I approached Carlisle and Esme. "We need to talk."Carlisle's voice was calm yet stern.

I gathered my emotions, pushing them to back of my mind before sitting across from them and just waited. If I could handle Lucy's parents, then Carlisle and Esme would be a piece of cake.

I just had to remember to not let anything show through. If I could do that, then I'd be good.

If, like Lucy, I could continue to be numb then these two would never really know how much they were truly affecting me.

I might not understand all of Lucy's logic but, she was right about one thing. Being numb was sometimes way better than saying or living the truth.

The truth could be a bitch. It could hurt and destroy everyone around you. Why do that when it was so much easier to pretend. _That _was my logic and reasoning.

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**The things you learn when you meet someone's parents. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, for so many reasons. The main one being that I got to use one of my all time favorite songs. The title song is 'Numb' by Linkin Park and the other song used was 'Mad World' by Tears for Fears. As always, the songs are on the playlist (which you can find the link to on the profile). **

**Reviews are love as usual!  
**


	6. Papercut

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your continued support for this story. It keeps me inspired for each chapter. Enjoy. **

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****Chapter 6: Papercut**

**Why does it feel like night today?  
Something in here's not right today.  
Why am I so uptight today?  
Paranoia's all I got left  
I don't know what stressed me first  
Or how the pressure was fed  
But I know just what it feels like  
To have a voice in the back of my head  
Like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes  
A face watches every time I lie  
A face that laughs every time I fall**

Ridding my mind of all thoughts of Lucy and whether or not she was lying to me, I stepped further into the living room, standing in the entryway, waiting for one of them to just start lecturing to me.

"Come sit down" Carlisle waved me over and I reluctantly walked over to the couch that was opposite them and sat down. Looking over at them, I was surprised to see that they didn't seem pissed off at all. Which, was strange. Then again, maybe they didn't know what they were doing. I doubt Edward had ever gotten into a fight before. That or he had never been caught.

"We need to talk" he began, stating the obvious "Your…Esme and I are worried about you, Jasper."

_Worried? _What in god's name would they be worried about me for?

"Why?"

"The school called me today at work, son." I internally cringed.

"And what exactly did they tell you?" I needed to know what I was up against; how much lying I needed to do.

"They say you were in a fight in the cafeteria, attacking a young man in a room full of people."

"I didn't attack. I was provoked, with very good reason." That at least was the truth. Every word. "So what now? They're kicking me out for beating up the star jock?" I scoffed. That would be just perfect.

"Well, given your previous record" he began

"I'm not a criminal, Carlisle and you fucking know it." I wasn't going to let him bring my previous actions into this, twisting it like I was the bad guy.

"I know you aren't a criminal, Jasper but, you have to look at everything here. You got kicked out of your high school, for constantly getting into fights with people who _used _to be your friends."

"I know. That's how I ended up here."

"No, you ended up here because of…"

"What's your point, Carlisle? Am I suspended? Expelled? Just tell me so I can figure out what I'm going to do now."

"The only thing you need to figure out is how to keep your temper in check, Jasper. I know you've been through a lot but, you have to realize that not everyone is out to get you. That's probably why that young lady stepped in and defended you…otherwise, who knows what would've happened."

"Wait" I stopped him "What girl? And what are you talking about?"

"One of the students, I believe her name is Angela went to the principal and pretty much told them that you were defending someone. That you just didn't attack with no reason. You were just 'helping a friend' as it were."

"It's true" I shrugged but silently thanking this Angela girl, whoever she may be. I would have to find out, and thank her when no one was around. "I was helping a friend."

"And just who would that be? Because I haven't heard you mention any friends you've made."

_Well, technically Lucy and I just decided on the whole friend thing today but, they don't need to know that._

"Lucy"

"Lucinda? Really, oh Jasper…" Esme looked at me, suddenly getting a dreamy look on her face. "Why didn't you tell us you were friends with her?"

"I didn't think you'd be interested in the friends I make?"

"Well, clearly she's someone important to you if you're going around beating up people for her. Yes?"

"She's my friend, that's all. I wasn't going to sit and let that idiot hurt her. It's what friends do." it was the same thing I had told Lucy. She had bought it, so I was hoping they would too.

"Well, whatever the case, you just need to be extremely thankful that Angela spoke on your behalf. Because of her, you aren't expelled, not even suspended. The school was very, very lenient on you Jasper. Well, on both you and the other person involved."

"Fine by me. I don't regret what I did. If he came near her tomorrow, I'd beat the shit out of him in an instant."

"Well, let's not think about using violence anymore, alright dear?" Esme looked at me with hopeful eyes. Poor woman. So sweet yet so vaguely unaware of what I had endured the past few years. I had made it very clear to Carlisle that he was to no tell her details of what happened before I came here. It was the only thing I asked of him and he had reluctantly agreed. So, all Esme knew was that my mother had died. And that's all I hoped she ever knew. Bad enough Carlisle knew. Well, he only knew what the people at the hospital had told him. If only he knew…no, what did that matter? That was the past. A past I didn't want to revisit any time soon.

"I can't make any promises. But, I'll try I guess." I stood up, hoping that this was the end of the conversation. They didn't say anything else which I was thankful for. What were they going to do? Ground me? I'm sure they had no idea how to deal with me. Like I said, Edward was the perfect one; I was the screwed up one.

As I made my way up the stairs, I could hear Esme whisper to Carlisle.

"Lucinda's a really pretty girl, Carlisle. She's very sweet too. Maybe she'll make Jasper happy too?"

"Esme, you're such a hopeless romantic. He said they're friends. I don't think he's looking for any sort of relationship any time soon."

To a certain extent, they were both right. Lucy _was _pretty but we were just friends. She had made it quite clear to me that friends is all that we'd ever be apparently.

* * *

A week after the fight happened, two things happened. First, I walked out to the front of the house only to be greeted with a new car staring me back in the face.

"Do you like it?" Carlisle asked me, so much damn hope in his eyes. I really wanted to say something to burst his bubble but, looking between him and the car in front of me, I was finding it pretty impossible.

"It's fucking beautiful" I stepped closer, examining it better. It was a Corvette, my favorite type of car and it was the deepest shade of blue I had ever seen. Blue, my favorite color too.

"I'm glad you like it. Corvette's were my favorite back in the day so I was hoping that you would appreciate them as much as I did."

"Shit, Carlisle. You didn't have to get me a car. But, I'll take it." I was trying to keep it short, brief with him. Because, there was still a part of me that wondered when someone gave you something, what did they want in return? My guess was this was his way of trying to get me to like him better. But, it was going to take much more than a car to get me to even attempt to form any kind of relationship with him.

"Good" he nodded, clearly knowing he wasn't going to get an official thanks anytime soon. He turned away from me but stopped and turned back "Oh, and by the way, Esme and I want you to bring Lucinda to the house this afternoon after school."

"What? Why?" I stopped gazing at my new car and looked at him, wondering what the hell he was going through.

"We want to officially meet her. She _is _your friend, correct?"

"Well, yea she is but…"

"Then it's settled. We'll see you two after school then."

Oh, what the fuck? How was I going to get Lucy to come back to my house again? And to meet Carlisle and Esme no less. Though, I'm sure that they wouldn't put her through the ringer like her parents had done to me. Regardless, I had the feeling that convincing Lucy to come meet them sounded easier than it would be.

I spent the majority of my first four classes trying to think of a way to bring it up to Lucy. Sure, to anyone else, this would be no problem. But, this was me; this was Lucy. And neither of us were exactly the poster children for normal.

Lunch came far too quickly and I was actually nervous. She was sitting there as usual, reading whatever book she was into this week.

"Hey Lucy" I sat in front of her and she looked up from her book, setting it down, and giving me a faint smile.

"You want to see it?" she whispered.

"See what?"

"My wrist" she shook her head as if it was obvious "It…oh, you just have to see for yourself."

"You are far too excited over this, Lucy." I sighed and she frowned a bit "Fine, let me see." She laid her arm on the table and turned her wrist so it was facing up before she pulled up her sleeve a tiny bit. And soon staring back at me was a pretty nasty looking bruise. It was dark blue and purple and it covered the small little area of her wrist.

"That's uh…well that's just gross Lucy. Why do you like bruises so much?" I leaned back up from looking at it.

"Some people like cars, shopping. Why can't I like something a bit different?"

"A bit? That's way off the path I think."

"Well, to each their own." She shrugged, tugging her sleeve back down.

"If you like them so much, why are you hiding it?"

"I'm not hiding it, it's cold outside today." She tried to defend her clothing choice.

"Sounds like bull."

"Well, believe what you want to." She gave up quickly. She obviously wasn't used to defending herself and fighting. And, judging by her parents, I'd say she usually caved a lot.

"I'll drop it if you do something for me?" the question came out before I even realized it. _Shit. _

"Like what?"

"I want…well, Carlisle and Esme want you to come over so that they can meet you."

"Why?"

"How the fuck should I know? But, I know they won't get off my back until I show up with you."

"Um, I don't think I can. I mean, they're nice people I just…they really want to meet me?"

"Yea, I don't know why you looked so shocked. Why wouldn't people want to meet you?"

She didn't answer.

"Well, you have until the end of the day to decide Lucy. Though, know that I don't take no for an answer. So, you're coming with me…" I finished just as the bell rang.

"Bye _Caviloso, _see you in class." She gathered her things and left the room.

Thankfully there was a pop quiz in history so for the first twenty minutes, I wasn't thinking about Lucy and her bruise and her not wanting to come to my house. I didn't really see what the big deal was. Carlisle and Esme were pretty harmless. I doubt they were going to ask her any hard questions or press her for any information. And I really doubt that they were going to tell me and Lucy to stay away from one another. No, Esme was so excited of the mere thought of the two of us being friends I'd bet anything that she'd actually encourage us to spend _more _time together.

Walking into art, I didn't know what to expect. For all I knew, Lucy might not even talk to me, let alone tell me what her decision was.

"I'll go meet them." She whispered quickly before I even sat down.

"Alright. I uh…really appreciate it. Otherwise, they'd be on my ass about it."

The class passed in relative silence. We worked on some assignment, Lucy not really saying much to me. When the day was all over, I told her to meet me in the parking lot so she could come with me. I waited for her for a few minutes when I saw her hesitantly walking towards me, eyes glued to the ground, feet shuffling slowly towards the car. There were obvious stares as people noticed she was walking towards me.

"See, I knew there was something going on between them. Why else would he defend her? I mean, just look at her. What in God's name would he want with _her_?" I looked out of the corner of my eye, seeing it was that girl who had thrown herself at me. The girl I rejected. _Jealous bitch. _

"You ready Lucy?" and just to piss that girl off more, I walk over and open the door for her, closing it once she's inside. She was shooting daggers at me as I got in and started the car, bringing it to life before pulling out of the parking lot.

Reaching the house, I noticed both Carlisle and Esme were home already. They must really want to meet her.

"Well, let's get this over with." I shrugged as we got out and entered the house. And there, sitting in the living room, all geared up for this meeting was Carlisle. He took us in, stood up and came closer to us.

"Um, hey Dr. Cullen." Lucy said in a tiny voice.

"You can call me Carlisle. It's very nice to officially meet you Lucinda." He outstretched his hand for her to take. And much like the first day I met her, she stared at him for a few moments before taking it softly, shaking it quickly.

"Lucy. You can call me Lucy." She mustered a small smile.

"Come, sit down please. Esme should be out soon." He motioned for us to sit down. The conversation, for the most part went fine. Carlisle asked all the questions to which Lucy answered them shyly. But, at least she was answering them and didn't seem that nervous. Then again, the questions he was asking her basic; ones I'm sure she had gotten plenty of times before. I mean, that's what I figured, being as she was the pastor's daughter, I'm sure she met new people all the time.

"So, I'm glad that I haven't seen you in my emergency room lately, Lucy." Carlisle sat back further on the couch and looked at her, a friendly smile on his face. From my spot, I felt her immediately tense, her hands frozen in her lap.

"Um, yes. Yes I'm glad too." She looked down.

"I mean, falling out of a tree is pretty serious business. I'm glad that you haven't had any more accidents like that."

"Mhm." She shook her head nervously "Yea, everything's fine."

I glanced between her and Carlisle. Something was definitely up. Something he had just said had rubbed her the wrong way and now she looked on the verge of having a panic attacked. She clasped her hands tighter in her hand, her eyes still on the ground.

"Well, I'm going to see what Esme is up to. I'll be back out shortly." He stood as if there was nothing going on in front of him. But, I knew better. He had that whole doctor look in his eyes. As soon as he was gone, I turned to Lucy, a confused look on my face.

"What are you so paranoid about Lucy? Carlisle was just being his typical doctor self."

She snapped her head up and narrowed her eyes at me in both disbelief and fear.

"Is this why you brought me here?" she choked, and I noticed eyes suddenly began to change a bit. Not literally, but it was like she had just gone from bright to dark in a matter of seconds.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you think I'm stupid?!" she practically shrieked at me "You thought I wasn't going to find out?" she got off the couch began pacing back and forth in front of me, one of her fingers twirling a strand of her hair in what could be described as an anxious habit.

"I promise you…" she didn't look at me when I spoke to her "Lucinda, look at me please." I stood up of the sofa and slowly approached her. But, not too close. I knew how she functioned.

Because I had quickly come to realize over these past few weeks that while Lucy was all for playing around and being friendly, Lucinda on the other hand…well, she was more fragile and vulnerable.

She hesitantly raised her head and met my gaze. I took my cue and took two steps closer. Close enough where I was able to see now that she was beginning to shake.

_Damn it. _I needed to stop her before it got worse. I didn't even know what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. Not in the slightest.

"Lucinda, you know I would never lie to you. So, you have to believe me when I say that I didn't bring you here for any reason other than to meet Carlisle and Esme."

"But" she eyed me with suspicion "Your father is a doctor." She whispered. Well, way to point out the obvious. Oh! God I was stupid sometimes.

"You think…you think I brought you here so that Carlisle could check you out for something? Do you think _I'm _stupid? I barely even talk to him so why would I do something like that?"

"Shit, Lucy. I know we aren't that close of friends but, you just need to believe me…take my word?"

_Your words are pretty worthless, Jasper. _

Well fuck, I knew that but she didn't.

She fell silent for a few minutes. I knew better so I didn't push her. She would come around, at some point.

"I'm sorry Jasper." She finally broke the silence "I didn't mean to overreact. It's just that…."

"No, there's no need to apologize." I shrugged.

There was a part of me that hated that she always said she was sorry. Because, I knew now that she'd only be doing it again tomorrow or the next day.

And one can only take the same old apologies day after day for the same thing.

And yet, here I was.

She slowly stepped closer to me, keeping her eyes on her still shaking hands.

"Everything's okay" I wrapped one arm around her shoulder when she was close enough. This was as far as our physical contact went.

"Everything's fine." She nodded her head, agreeing with me.

Like hell they were. If anything, things were all wrong. God, they were so wrong. But, who was I to tell her anything? We were merely friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

I had only known her for a little over a month. Who was I to suggest something so serious?

"Come on Lucy." I broke our light embrace "You have yet to meet Esme. She's really eager to meet you." I changed the subject, and tried to lighten the situation.

"Really? She wants to meet me?" she frowned "Why?"

"Just because it's Esme." I shrugged. It was the only good enough answer I could come up with.

"Oh, Lucinda!" Esme's sweet voice called to her when we walked in. She immediately walked over and embraced her tightly "Oh, goodness dear you are _so _thin. Please come sit and I'll fix you something to eat." She motioned towards the table.

Lucy quickly looked at me, almost as she was pleading with me for something.

"You know Esme, she'll just needs something to drink. Right Lucy?" I turned my attention back to her and she nodded quickly. I walked over to get something for her.

Esme watched me with curious as we stood side by side. I gave her a quick glance that read 'I'll explain later' and she nodded in understandment.

But, I really didn't know what I was going to tell her. I still didn't know why Lucy never ate in front of people.

"Here Lucy, drink this." I handed her a glass and sat beside her.

A comfortable silence fell over the room. I casually watched Lucy out of corner of my eye. A skill I had been able to master since that day in the school library.

When she had drunk about half of the contents, she set the glass down and let her hand hall to her right wrist and started snapping something against her skin.

I had her seen do that a few times before and personally, I hated when she did that. It drove me insane. Mainly because I had no idea why she did it. Just another one of Lucy's secrets.

After two minutes of that snapping nonsense, I reached my hand over and placed it lightly over hers. I shot her my 'that's quite enough' glare and she instantly stopped.

"Are you feeling better?" I raised my hand and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You aren't shaking that much anymore."

"I feel better. The juice helped." She shrugged. As if this was the norm; nothing out of the ordinary.

"Would you like me to take you home now?"

"You don't need to Jasper. I can walk." She slowly began to stand up but I grabbed her arm but quickly let it go when she tensed.

"Lucy, you can't possibly walk home. It's not a problem really. I'll drive you." I told her rather than asked.

"Okay then." She sighed in defeat. "Mrs. Cullen, it was really nice to meet you. I apologize that I wasn't that much of a guest."

"Oh, no dear. It was very lovely meeting you. And I hope that you stop by real soon Lucinda."

"You can call me Lucy." She smiled a bit more.

"Alright Lucy. Well, you can call me Esme in that case." Lucy nodded.

The drive back to Lucy's house was quiet but not awkward. I had grown quite used to these periods of silence. Not that I didn't want to talk. I just knew that Lucy took her time when it came to things. And I wasn't about to push her.

Soon enough, we were in front of her parent's home.

"Thanks Jasper. And again, I'm sorry for earlier."

"It's nothing Lucy. Get some rest okay. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Okay." She gathered her things and quickly got out to the car. I waited until she was inside before I drove away.

When I arrived back home, I was half expecting the scene when I walked into the living room.

Carlisle and Esme. Sitting there on the couch waiting for me. At least Edward wasn't at home right now. Edward tended to ask too many questions. And quite frankly, I didn't feel like he deserved to know anything about Lucinda.

The two have lived in the same town all their lives and gone to the same schools and yet, only when she and I start to become friends does he suddenly take an interest.

"Jasper, can you come sit with us for a moment?" Carlisle waved me over and I complied, sitting on the other couch .

"Is this going to be daily thing now?" I sighed "What's going on?" I asked. Not like I didn't know already.

My new friend had just had a freak out in this very living room. There was no way Dr. Cullen and compassionate Esme were going to let it slide.

"Is there anything you need to tell us? About Lucinda of course." He clarified.

"Like what?"

"Well son, is she…well, is she sick?"

"What? Of course she isn't sick. She's fine." Yea, right. She's anything but fine.

"She's so thin Carlisle and she didn't want to eat anything. All she wanted was juice. And that's only because she was shaking so terribly." Esme rambled on, looking like she was on the verge tears.

Carlisle was only half listening to his wife. He was too busy looking at me. I avoided his gaze but I could feel his eyes on me.

"Jasper, you're far too calm about this." He shook his head like he was disappointed.

I didn't need to answer. He already knew the answer. He knew that I had seen Lucy acting like this before. Granted, it wasn't to this extent but still.

"Oh son." He sighed "Why haven't you said anything. If your friend is mentally unstable…"

"Hey!" I cut him off and finally looked over at him "Don't think you know anything about her Carlisle. Just because you're a doctor, it doesn't give you permission to try and figure her out."

"It's much more than that Jasper. And you know it. And what's worse…you're practically enabling her."

"I am not." I scoffed "I'm not doing anything to her. What the hell are you talking about?"

"You call her different names Jasper. You approached her with such caution and care. Almost as if you didn't want to shatter her by getting too close."

"What's wrong with wanting to take care of my friend? And so what if I call her different names? That doesn't mean anything." I was lying through my teeth now.

"You only called her Lucinda when she was upset. And you only called her Lucy when she was calm. You may not know it son but that's exactly what you're doing. The protecting and the being ultra cautious around her…you're letting her get away with it. She can't get better unless she's being properly treated."

"Treated for what? She's _not _sick." I was starting to get upset "She just overreacted a little bit today. It was nothing."

"Maybe I should have a talk with her parents." He suggested.

"Yes, I know her mother. She has been a customer of mine for a long time." Esme nodded her head.

"Will you two just drop it?" I stood up, fed up with all this "You don't think that her own parents wouldn't know if there was something wrong with their daughter. Just, stay out of her business." I headed up the stairs, no longer wanting to be part of this conversation.

I lay in my bed for hours, just thinking about everything. Trying to figure something out.

I had sworn up and down that Lucy wasn't sick. That she was perfectly fine. But, I've known for awhile now that is anything but fine. There is something going on. I just don't know what. She doesn't tell me a whole lot. But, neither have I.

I've known her now for a little over a month and I have yet to tell her the reason as to why I actually had to move to this small town. Because Lucy never listens to the gossip. She refuses to let other people make the first impression. She would rather do it on her own.

But, too quickly had she gone from Lucy to Lucinda. Almost as if something was going on her mind that I wasn't aware of. Like there was voices inside of her head telling her things.

If that were the case, then I knew a thing or two about it.

Question was, was I willing to trust her enough to let her know the things that went on in my mind? The thoughts and questions I heard?

But, more importantly, did I have the strength to fight past all the voices and other random shit in my head...for the sake of getting into Lucy's head?

I may not be enabling her but I sure am hell putting myself through a whole lot for some girl who was just supposed to be my friend. And quite frankly, I didn't know how to feel about that.

* * *

**I hope you guys enjoyed it. This chapter was pretty important actually. Lucy's mini freakout...her shaking...yes, all that is crucial. **

**Chapter title was 'Papercut' by Linkin Park.**

**Reviews are love.  
**


	7. Faint

**A/N: Sorry for not getting this chapter out yesterday as I normally would. But, hopefully it was worth it and you all enjoy this chapter. Some pretty important stuff is about to happen...**

**As always, thanks for all my reviews & I own nothing, only Lucy. **

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_**Chapter 7: Faint**_

_**I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident  
'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can  
But sometimes I don't make sense**_

_**I am what you never want to say but I've never  
Had a doubt, it's like no matter what I do  
I can't convince you for once just to hear me out**_

_**So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back  
Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not  
But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got**_

_**Jasper**_

After the little incident at the house, time and things just seemed to fly right on by.

It was mid October now and I had somewhat gotten used to the fact that this town was going to be my home until I graduated high school. I keep telling myself that the only reason I'm sticking around so long is because it'd be too complicated and too much of a hassle to just get up and leave once I turn eighteen. But, that little voice inside of my head keeps telling me otherwise.

_The only reason you're putting up with this place is because of a certain blue eyed girl. You've got it bad and you don't even know it my friend. _

Okay, okay I'll fucking admit it; Lucy _is _a big reason as to why I've decided to just shut up and deal with this place and the people. But, I hardly believe that it's for the reasons my mind thinks. The two of us are just friends, as she reminds me all the time.

However, I seem to be lacking in one of the major friend requirements. Friends are supposed to help each other out, especially when times are tough. Yet, I still haven't figured out why the hell she nearly flipped at the house or why she acts certain ways sometimes. Or more importantly, why she refuses to eat in front of people. This girl is such a mystery to me and I know that it'd probably be better if I were to stay far away from her. But yet, here I am, still friends with her and still trying to figure things out.

My continuing being friends with Lucy however comes with consequences. The more we become friends, the more I'm beginning to trust her. And trust is something I don't give out very often. Hell, I don't even trust Carlisle all that much. I know that at some point, if I'm not careful, I'm going to trust her enough to let my guard down. It's scares the shit out of me because I can't let that happen. But, there won't be any stopping it when it happens. The truth is just going to come out one day when I least expect it.

All I can do is hope that I'm smart enough to not let my guard down while at the same time getting her to trust me.

_Easier said than done my friend. _

Today was Friday; It was also the day of my Spanish test. The test that I completely forgot about until last night before I fell asleep. So, I had two choices this morning. I could either sleep in and probably fail the test or I could drag my ass out of bed earlier than normal so I could be at school early to cram for a good twenty minutes and possibly pass the test.

I opted for the second choice oddly enough. I had been sitting in my car for the past fifteen minutes, hoping like hell that some of this information would stick in my head when I saw them. Pulling up not too far from where I was parked were Lucy and her mom. All attention shifted from my book to her as I noticed her facial expression as her mother talked to her. She looked bored and irritated. Finally, she just nodded at her mother and got out of the car and just walked away. She walked right in front of my car but she wasn't looking at me. Before I knew what I was doing, I was out of the car and sprinting to catch up to her.

"Interesting conversation?" I asked once I was close enough to her. She jumped slightly, placing her hand over her chest. Shit, I forgot.

"Oh, why do you always do that Jasper?" she frowned.

"I forget. Not my fault you're always so jumpy."

"No, I suppose it isn't. What are you doing here so early?" she, as always, changed the subject.

"Studying." I waved the Spanish book in front of her face "Why? Want to help me not fail?"

"If you're studying right now, clearly your grade isn't that important to you."

"I didn't ask for a lecture Lucy. Now, are you going to help me?"

"Fine." we stopped at some of the tables outside the cafeteria. Sitting next to her, I noticed her grip tightening around her bag. What the hell that was about was beyond me. Not like I was going to steal something from her. We spent another fifteen minutes sitting there, Lucy quizzing me on all kinds of things. Whenever I screwed up something, she'd laugh a little bit.

"We can't all be perfect like you Lucy now can we?" I snapped a bit at her as the bell rang. She stopped for a moment, looking at me a bit confused before shaking her head.

"I never said I was perfect." she stood, taking her things with her "Good luck _caviloso, _see you at lunch." she waved and soon disappeared among all the other students.

Besides probably failing that test, nothing else happened throughout the day. Lucy and I had another one of our random conversations during lunch. She looked a bit more anxious than usual though but I didn't ask her about it. Whatever her deal was, it was her business.

What did strike me odd however was when I got to art and she wasn't there. And believe me, Lucy was always there before me. Watching the door, she quickly walked in just as the bell rang. Once the teacher rambled on about something, I decided to call her out on it.

"Where were you Lucy?"

"What?" her eyes never left the drawing she was working on.

"Before class, you're always here before I am. So, fess up, where were you?"

She set her pencil down and looked up at me with a confused expression "Who are you my father?"

"No, but I know you well enough to know that you like to stick to routines…"

"Oh, fine." she cut me off "I was in the bathroom if you really must know. Does that make you happy?"

"The bathroom?" well, that wasn't what I was expecting her to say. Not by a long shot. "Oh."

"What did you think I was doing? Sneaking off with some guy in janitor's closet?"

"Well, I sure hope not."

"Oh, and why's that?"

"Because, that would really hurt my feelings." that was a lie and we both knew it. Only thing was, I wouldn't be hurt. I'd fucking pissed if she was off doing that.

She didn't answer me, she just laughed. "Whatever Jasper." she waved her hand at me and went back to her drawing.

We spent the rest of the class like that, just making small talk with one another.

"So, I'll meet you at my car?" I asked her like every other day and she nodded like always.

As much as I had called her out on having all these routines, I was beginning to find myself having my own routine that revolved around Lucy. Since I had gotten my car, I had decided to put it to good use and offer Lucy a ride home everyday after school. She accepted it of course because let's face it, who'd want to walk home everyday? Especially in this town where it was almost always raining.

I waited for her, leaning against the car door and watching everyone else. Lucy, like always, walked slowly to the car. Someone needed to tell that girl to put a little more effort into her walking.

"Do you walk that slow on purpose?" I half joked with her, opening the door for her as yet another routine.

"I don't walk slow."

"Sure, if you say so."

She didn't live that far from the school so it never really gave us a lot of time to have a decent conversation. If anything, she'd just talk about whatever music was playing on the radio which would lead her to suggest some song I listen to. I'd never tell her but, I would actually go back to the house and listen to all those songs she'd tell me about. Surprisingly, half of the stuff she suggested wasn't bad.

"So, have a good weekend Lucy." I got out of the car and opened the door for her once we reached her house.

"Um, thanks. You too." she was balancing some books in one hand while holding her bag in the other. I could tell she was going to drop something even before it happened. Her bag slipped out of hands, landing on the ground with all her things spilling out onto the sidewalk. She seemed frozen on the spot so I knelt down to help her pick it up. Stuffing everything back inside, I suddenly found myself frozen as well.

"Oh, god." I barely heard her whisper as my hand came in contact with something. And not just anything. It was a needle. No, it was a fucking used syringe.

_**Lucy**_

Time completely stopped. And, in a matter of ten seconds, it all fell apart.

I knew better. I knew I should've never left home with it. But no, I woke up late and didn't have time this morning. What other choice did I have? I was supposed to do it right when I got to school but Jasper caught up with me and so I had to wait to right before art class to use the bathroom really quick.

"Lucy" he called my name. I was petrified to look up at him. But, I couldn't stare at the ground forever. Hesitantly, I looked up, peering at him through my eyelashes.

"You dropped this" he practically shoved my bag in my hands, all the contents being put back inside. Without another word, he began walking to his car.

"No, wait!" I choked, turning to follow him "Please, Jasper I can…"

"You can what Lucy!" he turned, his eyes burring through mine. He was angry. No, he was beyond angry. He was almost in a rage. Call me crazy but for a minute, I thought he might actually try and hit me he looked that upset with me. "Let me guess, you're going to explain to me why the hell you're carrying around that shit?"

"I can explain…" I sighed. I didn't really want to but, I felt that I owed it to him. For some strange reason.

"What? That you can stop whenever you want to? Or, that it's not what I think? Which excuse is it Lucy?" I stood there speechless for a few moments. Was he trying to say that I was…

"It all makes sense now. The reason you don't eat, why you're so damn jumpy all the time"

"No, you don't understand…" I tried to find the words.

"You….you're a damn addict." He suddenly looked disgusted with me "A fucking drug addict" he whispered and I stared at him in shock.

"Look" he continued, not giving me a chance to answer "You can't even say anything. I can't believe I didn't see it before…all the signs, they were right there in front of my face. But, you're good Lucy, I'll give you that much. Making me believe that you're this perfect good girl who could never do anything wrong. But, you lied to me. Makes me wonder what else you lied about…"

"You…you have _no _right to say those things to me. You have no idea…"

"I thought I did. But you know what? Forget it; we're done, Lucy. I can't handle this shit." and with that, he walked away from me, never looking back as he got inside his car and drove away quickly.

I was beyond stunned. I don't even think I was angry. Which, that in itself was a bad sign. No, it was like I was in shock or something. After standing in the driveway for what seemed like forever, I finally gave up and retreated inside the house.

I sat on the couch, throwing my bag beside me. And before I knew it, I was starting at that stupid bag with such hatred that you would think that it was an actual person instead of a piece of fabric.

The shrill of the phone ringing was the only thing that shook me out of my stare down. Noting the time, I knew that there could only be one person calling at this very moment. I had two options. Either, answer it and pretend to be fine or ignore it and have the person on the other line call over and over until I picked up. Deciding the first was my best bet, I took a deep breath before reaching for the phone.

"You're always right one time." I spoke as calmly as possible into the receiver. It worked because I heard a warm laugh on the other side. A laugh that I wish I could hear in person right now.

"Hey, _preciosa, _how are you?"

"Fine." I lied.

"Lucinda, it's your birthday, how can you be just fine? You're supposed to be having a wonderful day."

"It hasn't been the best day" I choked out before I lost it. I was never ever to keep my emotions in check when he was around. Technically, he wasn't right in front of me but he was on the other end of the line and that was close enough.

"Oh, fuck. Lucinda…tell me." all hint of amusement was gone and was replaced with anger and concern "_Por favor _Lucinda. I can't see you so you need to tell me yourself."

I couldn't lie. Not to him. So, I gave him the truth, telling him just what happened between Jasper and I.

"Want me to come kick his ass?" he asked once I was all done and I couldn't help but laugh through my tears. "Seriously Lucinda, you know I will. Just say the word and I'm there…"

"I know you're serious." I sighed, laying down on the couch, suddenly feeling very tired "Just, it's fine. Just give me a day and I'll be fine."

"Just remember to breathe, you know how you get. And I don't want to have to beat him for that too."

"I know. Sorry this conversation went a little different than intended."

"_No es importante, _and you know that. All that matters is that you're okay and happy."

"Yea, I know."

"Well, I better get going before they get back home."

"Yea, I guess so. Be careful okay? I love you….so much." I could feel new tears starting to sting my eyes.

"Ay, Lucinda don't cry anymore okay? I hate when you do that shit. Don't worry about me, I'm good. I'm still alive."

"How can I not worry? After…"

"Don't think about that. We can't go back remember? You're safe and that's all I care about."

"Fine" I gave up. There was no use arguing with him. "When will you call again?"

"Hopefully soon. I love you Lucinda. Happy birthday."

"Thanks and I love you too."

And just like that, the line went dead and I knew the conversation was all over. Setting the phone back gently, I leaned back against the pillows on the couch and closed my eyes. I had no more energy to do anything else. Between Jasper and the phone call, it was too much. As I drifted off into a restless nap, I could feel a few tears sliding down my cheeks.

So much for a happy birthday.

**Jasper**

I didn't even remember pulling up to the house, I was that upset. No, I was beyond upset. I..there were no words to explain it.

She _lied _to me, she fucking lied. But, more than that, she was into things that I wanted no part of what so ever. No, I worked too hard and too long to get away from all that. I spent too many restless nights dealing with all that shit. And I wasn't about to do it all over again.

I walked into the house just as Esme came in through the garage. _Perfect. _

"Jasper honey what are you doing home so early?"

I just shrugged; I had no idea what she was talking about.

"I just you know, thought you'd be over at Lucy's house. Being as it's her birthday after all."

I stopped dead in my tracks and faced Esme. "Her birthday?"

"Yes, didn't you know? Her mother was in the shop not too long ago, buying her some flowers."

"I…I didn't know. Besides, I don't think she'll be wanting to see me anytime soon."

"Why? Did something happen? Tell me honey." she came closer to me but I just shook my head.

"It's nothing Esme, really. I'll call her later to wish her a happy birthday." more lies. Like hell I was going to call her. Birthday or not, I was still pissed. I didn't give her a chance to say anything else, I just walked upstairs, locking the door behind me.

I didn't really know what to do so I just lay on the bed like an idiot and stared up at the ceiling for hours, trying to make sense of everything.

The longer I lay there, the more things just didn't add up. I mean all the signs added up once I thought about it but fuck, this was Lucy was Christ sakes! Lucy and drugs didn't go hand and hand. At least, not in my book.

For the rest of the evening and weekend, I kept trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. And every time, I kept going back to that talk we had. The one where she said she was basically willing to do anything to be perfect. But, how bad could her life be if she was using drugs to achieve perfection?

_You know why they use Jasper. They use when they can't handle reality. Is that not what you used to say to yourself? In hopes of making the situation better…._

That might be my theory but I was sure that there was plenty of other reasons people gave. Reasons as to why they turned to drugs. My main concern was figuring out Lucy's reason. She couldn't even explain herself to me when I saw it. Granted, I didn't give her much time to say much but regardless.

Maybe she's new at it? Otherwise, why would she have brought fucking evidence to school? If someone caught her, she'd be in deep shit.

By the time Monday rolled around, I still didn't have any answers. I skipped lunch in the library and opted to just sit in my car of thirty minutes. During art, I didn't say one word to her and neither did she. I would glance at her every now and then though. And each time I did, the more confused I was. Because Lucy just didn't look like an addict. Nothing about her screamed the fact that she was on drugs.

Like a total jackass, I didn't offer her a ride home.

And this just didn't go on for one day, the same things happened on Tuesday and Wednesday as well.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. It had been five days and I hadn't spoken one word to her. And she had made no attempt to talk to me either. And that meant that I had either been completely right or had completely fucked up. And neither scenario was in my favor at the moment.

I still avoided her at lunch, still acting like a coward to talk to her. But, when that last class came, I knew this was my last shot. Making sure I arrived with a few minutes to spare, I quickly made my way over to the table, dropping my things on the table, much like the first day of school.

She jumped at the noise and she looked up at me. And for the first time all week, I noticed that something seemed a bit off about her. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked paler than usual.

_Oh, fuck. _If it's because of me that she looks so sick….

No, I didn't hadn't have time to think about that. Right now I needed answers and she was going to give them to me.

"Start talking Lucy." I sat beside her and she stared at me wide eyed "Talk Lucy because I refuse to be friends with a drug addict. So, start explaining."

She looked away from me and then back to me a couple minutes later and to make matters even more confusing and difficult, she had tears forming in her eyes but was refusing to let them fall. I didn't know what that meant. Had I been right or a complete idiot? Either way, I needed to know.

"Not now." she whispered, looking around the room "You want answers, I'll give them to you after school." and with that, she turned away from me, ending the conversation.

Glancing up at the clock, I knew that this was going to be longest fifty minutes ever. All I could think about at this moment at just what Lucy was going to tell me once school was over.

Was she going to lie to me again? Or, had she even been lying to me in the first place?

Whatever her reasons, she was going to give me answers.

Question was, if she actually admitted to be using, would I still stick around?

_You bet your ass you're going to stick around. _

Well, shit if that were the case, things were about to get complicated. And I wasn't really sure if I could handle any more complications.

* * *

**Oh, Jasper. Thoughts? Like I said, some important stuff going on. Like, who was on the phone with Lucy? But more importantly, just what is Lucy going to tell Jasper? **

**Reviews are Love.  
**


	8. Paranoid

**A/N: As always, thank you all for your constant support for this story. It truly means a lot to me...especially with this story, knowing what you all think. **

**I want to dedicate this chapter to my room mate/ best friend...today was her birthday & she is just an amazing person! **

**And also to Meg, for our fun chat about this chapter the other night. **

**Alright, enough of me...enjoy!**

**I own nothing; Just Lucy.  
**

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* * *

****Chapter 8: Paranoid**

**Consider me destroyed  
I don't how to act 'cause I lost my head  
I must be paranoid  
I never thought it would come to this  
I'm paranoid, yeah**

**I take the necessary steps  
To get some air into my chest  
Can't hear the thoughts inside my head  
I'm still freaking out**

**Lucy**

Jasper had successfully avoided me for almost an entire week without speaking a single word to me. He didn't show up during lunch. I didn't know where he went but what did that matter? Not like I was going to go chasing after him, demanding to know what his problem was. For one thing, I would never have the courage to actually demand anything from anyone and second of all, I knew exactly why he was avoiding me. He was angry with me and I couldn't blame him. The only thing I was hoping was that I hadn't hurt him. If that were the case, I would feel so horrible. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially Jasper. Why? Because he's the only who treats me sort of normal. He's really the only person I can kind of talk to without feeling too anxiety ridden.

I hadn't meant to lie to him. In all honesty, I never thought that he would find out. I guess I should've thought about that before I brought evidence with me to school and carried it in my bag. But, I didn't know which one was worse. The fact that I had hoped he'd never find out or the fact that he called me a liar. I suppose it was the same thing whichever way you look at it.

I thought today was going to be a repeat of all the other days. He didn't show up again at lunch so I kept to myself as usual, reading my book and listening to music. I hadn't really expected him to offer me rides home anymore either but, for him to actually just leave me to walk home? That was pretty rough and it hurt for a few hours but I got over it, knowing that moping around wasn't going to make him stop being mad at me. It wasn't going to hide the fact that he thought I was a drug addict who had lied to him.

That really was something else. A drug addict, really? That was the first thing that popped into his mind when he saw it? Then again, he was a guy; a teenage guy no less. So, he was bound to automatically think the worst of me right?

_Either that or just making excuses for him because you don't really want to be mad at him. _

Well, of course I didn't want to be mad at him! Technically, he didn't do anything wrong to me. He didn't hurt me physically or make fun of me for being a bit odd. Yes, what he called me hurt tremendously but, again, what was I supposed to do or say? He gave me no chance what so ever to even try and explain to him.

Question was, if he had asked me right then and there to explain, would I have told him? Who knows. That didn't really matter anyways. That was the past and who knows, maybe he never wanted to talk to me again.

Well, that idea seemed to be laid to rest this afternoon when Jasper waltzed right into the art room, threw down all this things and practically demanded that I tell him things because according to him, he didn't want to be friends with a 'drug addict.' God, if I had the courage, I would've slapped him. At least I had the will power to tell him to wait until after school.

And wait he did, neither of us saying anything to one another for the rest of the class. When the final bell rang, I wasn't quick to move out of my seat. But, knowing he was waiting for me, I had no choice really than to get up and leave when he did. He quickly muttered that he'd be waiting for me at his car. For a moment, I thought about sneaking off somewhere but to where? I didn't have other friends so that plan was quickly shut down. Besides, I could do this right? This was just Jasper we were talking about not a cop or anything. What was the worst that could happen?

_Everything…._

Like promised, he was waiting for me by his car, his eyes watching me as I walked towards him. It was intimidating to say the very least.

"Let's get this over with" I mumbled walking past him, getting into the car.

"Your house." It was more of a statement than a question as he drove away. I gave him a quick nod and within seven minutes, we were in front of my house. Timidly, I asked him to come inside. There was no use in sitting outside. The weather had been changing lately so it was beginning to rain more and I didn't know how long this was going to take or where exactly this was going to go.

As we stepped inside, I realized that this was the first time that he had been in my house. I cautiously watched him as his eyes scanned over random pictures on the walls. I for once thanked my mom's decision to not include any pictures of…well, never mind that. It didn't matter.

"So, you going to tell me know or what?" he leaned against the couch, not bothering to actually sit on it as he waited for me.

I knew from experience that telling the truth was sometimes like a band aid. The quicker you said it, it was better to have those few moments of intense pain because it was usually easier in the long run.

"I'm sick." two words; two simple words and realization dawned on him.

"Care to elaborate?" though, we both knew he had made a horrible mistake.

"I'm…" I clasped my hands in front me as I took a seat on the other couch "I'm Diabetic, Jasper. I've had it for almost four years."

He didn't answer me at first. He wasn't even looking at me. "Fuck." he muttered underneath his breath but I still heard him.

"Excuse me?"

"You…you're fucking sick Lucy? Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Why would I?"

"Shit, here I was thinking that you were a drug addict, using to keep everything in your life perfect. I was thinking all kinds of things. And come to find out, none of it was true. You're…sick."

"You think that's why I would using drugs? To maintain perfection? That's a bit out there Jasper isn't it?"

"Believe me, I would….no, never mind. Why didn't you tell me Lucy? We've known each other for two months now and I'm not barely finding out about this?"

"I fail to see how this is my fault? You're the one who jumped to conclusions…"

"Because you should've fucking told me, that's what friends do. They tell each other things."

That wasn't a fair statement at all. He hadn't told me a whole lot about him.

"I just…" I paused, trying to find strength in my voice. I didn't want to cry right now, not in front of him "I didn't think you'd ever find out. I didn't mean to lie to you….I didn't do it on purpose."

"But why?" he had moved and was sitting near me now "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not really something you bring up in conversation. Besides, I wasn't just hiding it from you. No one knows here, other than my parents. It's just…better this way."

"Better for who?"

"Everyone."

"So, you've been keeping this to yourself since you've moved here? That's pretty stupid Lucy." he scoffed, making me feel even smaller than I already did "What if you get sick somewhere? How are people supposed to know? You could…die or something."

"It's not that serious Jasper. I'm not going to die because of this. In fact, I'm pretty in control of it. Just as long as I take my medicine when I supposed to, eat when I…" I stopped, sighing. I knew where this was going to go now. And personally, this was going to be harder than telling him that I was sick.

"Is that why you don't eat at school? Or is there more to that too?"

"I don't eat at school because….well, because I'm paranoid."

"Of?"

"I can't just eat things like everyone else can Jasper. Well, I mean yes I can but I'd probably end up getting sick. It's extremely hard. I got this when I was in the eighth grade. I was young and I didn't really understand it so I got sick a lot that first year. After that, I got my act together and worked to maintain healthy."

"Being healthy is one thing. What does this have to do with you being paranoid?"

"We don't exactly go to a large school. Every time I eat, I have to take my medicine. Is it a pain? Yes but it's the way the things are. If I were to eat at school, I would have to take my medication every day in the bathroom. You don't think that after a week or so, people would start to notice? Don't you think that they would find it a bit odd?"

"I thought you didn't care what people thought of you?"

"I don't. But, I'm only human Jasper. People can say some pretty cruel things when they think you're not listening. I've gone to school with these people for a few years, I know how they work. Especially the girls. God, if you only knew the horrible things I've heard them say about me. Why? Just because I don't talk or act like the rest of them. Because I refuse to conform to all _their _standards and come from a big city."

"I see." he pondered his next statement for a few moments like he was debating what he should say something or not "Well, I'm fucking relieved that you aren't on drugs Lucy." and with that, he stood and started pacing around the living a little bit.

"That's it? Just like that…."

**Jasper**

"What more do you need to say? You told me that you're sick and it really fucking sucks that you have to go through that but, it's life right?" I stopped pacing around because I probably looked like an idiot doing it. That, and the fact that I had just gotten an idea. Without asking, I just started making my way towards her kitchen, looking around for things.

"What are you doing? Why did you just walk away?" she was besides me after a few moments. I knew what she was thinking. She was probably wondering where my apology was. But, that was the last thing I was going to do. Saying sorry wasn't an option. Honestly, there was a part of me that was still pissed off at her for keeping this from me. On the other hand, I felt like a complete asshole for thinking the worst of her when all along, she was sick. She was sick for Christ sakes!

"I'm going to make you something." she raised her eyebrow a fraction and stared at me in confusion. "Don't look at me like that. I said I'm going to make you something?"

"Make me what?"

"A cake."

She laughed a bit at that statement before turning serious again "Um, did you just not hear all I told you in the living room Jasper? I'm…"

"Yes, I know you're Diabetic. I'm not stupid Lucy, I know a thing or two about it. Mainly that you can't have too much sugar…"

"Exactly. So, why are you going to make me a cake?"

"Because it was your fucking birthday last week. Something you also failed to tell me. What did you think I was going to? Embarrass you if I knew?"

"No. It…well, it never came up."

"Yea, so you tell me. Well, I'm making you something right now. So, you just tell me where all the shit is to make one and let me make it alright?"

"Sure" she still seemed skeptical about it but she told me none the less where the things were. Thankfully, she had everything I needed to make her a simple cake. As I mixed everything in the bowl, I began to wonder just why in the fuck I was doing this? Was this my way of sucking up to her? Did I really feel that bad that I was compelled to bake for this girl?

_Maybe it's your way of saying you're sorry? Since you're not man enough to say those two words out loud. _

There was no way I was going to say sorry. I was still mad; something I'm sure she took note of as I remained silent.

"Wait!" she came up next to me before I poured the batter. I waited for her to go on "Can…can I have some?" she asked shyly, making her sound like she was five or something.

"I don't care." shrugging, I watched as she dipped her finger into the bowl before sticking it in her mouth, tasting the little bit she had gotten. And so help me god, she actually smiled at the taste of the batter.

"I haven't had cake batter in forever." she replied sheepishly when she caught me looking at her. I had been trying to be discreet about my staring; guess I failed miserably.

As the we waited for it to finish cooking, she quietly excused herself and left me alone for a few minutes before coming back, not saying a word. We sat in almost near silence as well as we waited. When it was finally done, I took it out, waited the right amount of time for it to cool down before cutting her slice and handing it to her.

I watched her as she stared at the small slice of cake on her plate for what seemed like forever, her gaze shifting from me back down.

"Oh, Jesus Lucy just eat it." I gave her a glare "It's not going to kill you."

"Funny" she muttered, but finally gave in a cut a tiny piece before slipping in in her mouth. For a few seconds, she didn't say anything. She just stared at me with the oddest expression.

_Shit. _Maybe I wasn't as good as I thought I was. Just my luck that it'd come out horrible.

"Oh god" she swallowed it, biting her lip for a second as she looked at me.

"What?" my eyebrow raised a fraction as she continued to stare at me "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Jasper" she sighed "That…it's delicious."

"Well, what? You were expecting something less? Why in god's name would I make you something that tasted like shit? I wanted you to enjoy it, not get sick." I crossed my arms and awaited her answer.

**Lucy**

Ah, there was the arrogant, slightly sweet Jasper I knew. Well, maybe sweet wasn't the right word but at least he wasn't acting all angry with me anymore.

"I just…well, I didn't think you'd be such a good cook that's all." I ate a bit more of the cake before pushing it away.

"I thought you said it was good?"

"It is, don't get me wrong. Just you know, I can't eat a lot of it. It's not good for me."

"Oh." he looked away from me for a moment and when he looked back at me I thought he was going to apologize. But, just like earlier, he didn't say anything. Rather, he just shrugged.

"How do you know how to cook?" I started pushing the dishes in sink, turning on the hot water so I cold start washing them.

"Are you really that surprised Lucy?" his tone was a bit irritated.

"Most guys your age don't really know how to cook."

"And you would know this how?"

"Just…I just know alright." he was avoiding things "You didn't answer me."

"About what?"

"How do you know how to cook? Not just that, how do you know how to cook so well?"

"A lot of practice." he turned to face me more. He didn't look too happy with me, almost like he was giving me some sort of silent warning.

"How come? Your mom work a lot?" the question came out before my mind had a chance to register it. "Oh, god!" I dropped the dishes I had been washing back in the sink and whirled around quickly to look at him. Too quickly apparently because I felt a little dizzy but that wasn't really important right now.

"Don't apologize Lucy" he shrugged, an indifferent look on his face "And to answer your question, yes, it was something like that. I spent a lot of time on my own."

"I didn't mean to bring up your mother. It just…."

"Lucy" his voice was a bit strained as he stepped closer to me, closing "Drop it." suddenly, the same anger I had seen almost a week ago flashed for the briefest of moments of his eyes before disappearing. Without another word, he leaned a bit closer to me and I felt like he was trapping me between him and the sink. I held my breath, watching every move he made and eventually breathed out in relief when he just snapped the water faucet off.

_What did you think he was going to do Lucinda? _

"Can I ask you something?" he changed the subject, those green eyes looking at me, waiting. I swallowed nervously and just shook my head. Him being so close was both terrifying and intriguing me. Thankfully, he moved away from me, leaning against the counter.

"You know how you said you didn't eat in front of people at school because you're paranoid or whatever?" Oh, great. I really hope he wasn't going to make fun of me now.

"Yes."

"Do you think….you'll ever stop being paranoid?" the way he asked the question made it seem like he was asking about more than just my eating habits. "Because you know" he started again when I didn't answer "It'd really fucking suck for you to always be paranoid." all traces of hesitation were gone by now only to be replaced by a cold voice.

"I think one day I'll be fine." Okay, so that wasn't the complete truth but he didn't know that.

"You don't sound too convincing."

Well, he had me there. Convincing Jasper about things was almost impossible. Sure, if I told him something, he would hear me out and move on but, I'm pretty sure he didn't believe half the things I said to him. Especially now that he knew I hadn't told him about me being sick right off the back.

"Well" I thought for a second "Come with me" I motioned for him to follow me back into the living room where all this had started just an hour or so ago and pointed for him to sit down as I grabbed my bag, pulling my iPod out and turning it on.

"Music? You're going to try and convince me through music?" he looked like he wanted to laugh at me but he didn't.

"Sometimes, I have a hard time saying what's on my mind and I find that sometimes through music, I can say it better."

"That's just…odd."

"But it works, I swear. Here." I found the song I was looking for, skipped to the part I wanted before handing it to him "Wait!" I pulled it away slightly "Just…promise me you aren't going to make fun of me?"

"Have I ever made fun of you and your weird ass habits and logic?"

"No, I guess not" I gave it back to him and just waited, hoping he'd get the message. Or at most, be reassured of what I had just said.

The song he was listening to was way different from the first one.

_Got the news today  
Doctors said i had to stay  
A little bit longer and I'll be fine  
When i thought it'd all be done  
When I thought it'd all been said  
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.  
But you don't know what you got 'til it's gone  
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low  
And everytime you smile you laugh you glow  
You don't even know_

_All this time goes by  
Still no reason why  
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.  
Waitin' on a cure  
But none of them are sure  
A little bit longer and I'll be fine  
But you don't know what you got 'til it's gone_

_So I'll wait 'til kingdom come.  
All the highs and lows are gone.  
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.  
I'll be...fine_

Taking the headphones out, he looked down at the ground for awhile before finally looking back at me.

"Time." one word but it was enough to get me to smile just a little bit.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Because, you just…get it."

"Yea, yea. I might get it. Doesn't mean I have to agree with it though."

"And why's that?"

"You've been sick with this for how long Lucy? Almost four years? How much longer do you need?"

"I wish I knew the answer." I wasn't going to let him break me down with this, I wouldn't let him "You wouldn't know Jasper. People already think I'm a freak, you really think it would do me any good for them to know I'm sick?"

"Why do you care?" I could tell he was getting frustrated but I wasn't backing down, not this time.

"Why do _you _care? You're not the one who has to deal with this everyday, I do. So, whether you like it or not, I'm going to stick to this routine thank you very much. Is it childish? Probably. Should I just get over it and let people know? Maybe. But you know what? I like my routine and I really don't care if it bothers your or not."

I took a deep breath after that, making sure to keep my heart at a normal rate. Last thing I needed was something else to make him find me odd. Silence fell over the living room as I waited for him. We seemed to do that a lot; wait for the other person's response.

"Well" that smirk of his suddenly in place "I got to say Lucy, I didn't think you had it in you. Who knew that riling you up would get you to tell me what you really thought?"

"I'm not riled up."

"Bullshit. Why are you trying to hide the fact that I pissed you off?"

"Oh, fine. Now you know how I really feel. Happy?" I threw my hands up, tired of talking of circles with time.

"Not happy" was all he said "Relieved maybe."

"Does mean you don't hate me anymore?"

"Lucy, I never hated you. Extremely pissed at you? Yes but I never hated you."

Another wave of relief flooded my system. "I underestimated you Jasper. You seemed like the kind of guy who if someone makes you mad, you cut them out of your life."

"And where the hell did you come up with that theory?"

"In um…I guess in my head."

"Well, you need to get it in that imaginative head of yours that I don't hate you. I may be a jackass to a lot of people but you're my friend, Lucy. You can't get rid of me that fast." he stood, and I took it that this meant the conversation was over. Which frankly, I was glad for that because I didn't know how much more talking with him about this I could take.

"Good. Because you know, I like being your friend."

"Are you trying to flirt with me?" he looked slightly amused.

"What!" I felt that familiar tightening in my chest "No, no…I was just you know….talking about being friends."

"Calm down, Lucy. I was just messing with you."

"Your humor is amusing." I mumbled, calming down a bit.

"I just had to make sure. After all, can't have you breaking your rule right?"

"You're mean"

"Yea, I am." he overlooked my pouting and just agreed with it. "And I don't think that's going to change anytime soon."

"Good to know."

"Well Lucy, I better get going. I don't really feel like dealing with another lecture from your dad when they come home. So, I better leave before they show up."

"Oh" that was actually a good point. Given what happened last time, I highly doubted he wanted another encounter with my father. I know I sure wouldn't "Well, thank you." I got up and followed him to the door. A bit too closely maybe because when he turned around, I almost bumped into him.

"Thanks for what?"

"For listening to me. For what it's worth, if someone else would've asked me, I probably wouldn't have told them."

"Yes you would Lucy so don't make it seem like I'm someone special or anything."

_Oh, well I don't know about that. _"Well, you're definitely different that's for sure."

"Lucy, I…"

"Can't you just accept my thank you Jasper?"

"Fine, fine. I still don't know what you're thanking me for. I'm the one who wanted to know why you were caring around needles. You didn't have to tell me, but you did. So, it's all one you."

"_Caviloso._" I sighed. Nothing was ever simple with him was it? "Thanks for the cake too. It really was amazing."

"It was just a cake Lucy, don't get all excited about it." he was trying to brush it off like nothing but I knew better. However, I had been around guys like Jasper before so I sort of knew how he functioned. He was supposed to be tough. You know, the kind of guy that didn't like to show any sort of soft side? And, his cooking skills were clearly something he didn't like to talk about. It was more of something he maybe just did. Though I doubt he was cooking all the time now that he was living with the Cullens. Well, that was my theory anyway.

"I'll see you tomorrow." he ended our conversation as he headed outside, across the lawn and to his car. He never looked back and for a second, I felt as though he was maybe mad about something but right before he left, he turned and just nodded at me. A simple gesture but I took it. Because in the two or so months that I've know Jasper, I knew that a nod was his way of saying things were alright between us. I waved and watched him drive off before closing the door, leaning against the frame for a few moments. I let out the hugest sigh as I stood there, thinking about everything that had happened today after school.

Whether Jasper knew it or not, I had just done something _huge_. And whether he cared or not, I had done it for him. Why? I wasn't exactly sure. Okay, okay I admit, maybe there was a tiny bit of me that liked the fact that he still wanted to be my friend even now that I had told him that I was sick. I was a bit odd and yet he still stayed around. I would like to believe that it was by choice rather than by force because I sure wasn't forcing him to be my friend.

Even though I knew I shouldn't, I ended up back in the kitchen cutting another little piece of that cake. I may be a bit naïve but I wasn't stupid. Oh, he could brush it off all he wanted to but, you just don't cook for someone just because. Especially someone like Jasper. That guy never admitted more than the bare minimum. So, in a way, it was like he was letting me in a little bit. I hadn't asked for that but it was really nice of him.

Besides, when a really cute guy makes you an amazing cake, you'd have to be pretty stupid not to eat it…right?

_Did you just call him cute? Lucinda…._

"That's neither here nor there. I was just pointing out the obvious." I answered nobody but myself in the empty house.

Even with things between us seemingly back to normal, there was still one little thing that was nagging in the back of my mind. Even though I knew better than to dwell on things, there was one little moment in all of this that I couldn't get off my mind. Something just wasn't adding up. Jasper had mentioned to me before that his mother had died which in turn led to him moving here. But, he didn't tell me just how she died. And then today, he tells me that he spent a lot of time alone and that's why he's a good cook. Then there was the main things. The look of pain that seemed to flash in his eyes when I mentioned her and his asking me about my paranoia. I could be overreacting but, it was almost like he was talking about himself more than he was me. Sure, he would never admit that but something was telling me that I was right.

_Or you could…I don't know be paranoid again Lucinda? You think that just because you told him you're sick, he's going to tell you every little detail about his life? _

No, I suppose he wasn't going to tell me anything he didn't want to. Unlike me, if I were to ask him something, he'd either get mad or just change the subject.

Two months and Jasper Hale had just about complicated my life in just about every way imaginable.

Then again, a little complication never hurt anyone right? Besides, it's not like I had anything to lose by being friends with him…..even _trusting _him a little bit right?

_On the contraire Lucinda, you have practically everything to lose with each passing day the two of you are friends. You know what's going to happen if you continue being friends with him. This is not going to end up well. Is that what you want Lucinda? To completely fall…._

"That's not going to happen." I cut my own thoughts off. Because you know what? Just like I was going to allow myself to eat something I shouldn't, I was going to allow myself a night where I don't have to second guess myself or anyone else.

Just this one night, all that mattered was that I had told Jasper something very personal and he had taken it and not judged me the way I thought he was going to. And that, above everything else, was of the utmost importance to me.

So just for tonight, things seemed okay; for once. And I was going to take that for all it was worth.

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**Thoughts? This chapter ended up being way longer than I thought it was going to be. Lucy being Diabetic again something personal taken from my own life; And alot of what was said in this chapter comes from many conversations I've had with people over the years about being paranoid and what not. **

**Title song was "Paranoid" and the other used was "A little bit Longer." Both are by the Jonas Brothers. Yes, yes...but face it, the lyrics fit perfectly, lol. Song are on the playlist as always. **

**Reviews are love.  
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	9. There Are Places I Remember

**A/N: Support for this story is amazing, I love hearing what you all think. **

**I have to give major thanks for my friends Meg & Perla...because only they would let me ask them a million questions at two in the morning. You ladies helped me with this chapter a lot! **

**As always, I own nothing; Just Lucy. **

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****Chapter 9: There Are Places I Remember**

**There are places I remember all my life,**

**Though some have changed**

**Some forever, not for better**

**Some have gone and some remain.**

**All these places have their moments**

**Of lovers and friends I still can recall**

**Some are dead and some are living**

**In my life I loved them all.**

**Lucy**

After that afternoon that Jasper came to my house and gave me the chance to tell him what was going on, things started to get better between us. Granted, I thought that he could've been a bit more sympathetic when I told him that I was sick but, I was quickly seeing that really wasn't a possibility with him. But you know what? I wasn't really upset over the fact that he hadn't been kinder to me since he had found out. In fact, he treated me exactly the same; a fact that I was extremely thankful for. Before I moved here, people back home always treated me like this porcelain doll that would shatter if they so much as looked at me the wrong way. It was part of the reason why I became so conscious when I ate around people. I didn't want anyone to feel guilty or pressured when I was around them because of the food they offered (which was usually something I couldn't really have). So, I would just politely decline and wait until I got home and didn't have to worry about anyone hovering over me.

So while some might find Jasper's indifference to some things, I rather appreciate. It's actually nice to know someone who just doesn't really care. Ok, ok that's not exactly true; he does care somewhat. I mean, he _did _beat someone up for me, a girl he didn't really know a few months back. When it comes down to it, he's a rather interesting friend to have. I sure didn't force him to be my friend but a part of me is really glad that he is; no matter what my mind tries to tell me. We're friends…and that's all.

"Daydreaming again?" my mind immediately shifted thoughts as I turned just as Jasper was sitting down beside me.

"I was just watching the clouds; it's going to probably rain today. Maybe even a thunderstorm." I couldn't help but let some excitement show in my eyes at just the thought.

"Don't you ever get tired of all this rain?" he wasn't too pleased with it. I just shrugged.

"Look at where we live. You get used to it after awhile. I just so happen to think the rain is amazingly beautiful."

"If you say so, Lucy." By then, class had already started so our conversation had to be put on hold for a few minutes. Today we were getting our new assignment. The last few things we had done were individual pieces but for this next one, we were to work with our partners and collaborate on it.

"You and your partner are to make a collage. There are no restrictions; I am letting you all pick what to put on your canvas and how you're going to create it. Just remember ladies and gentlemen, art is about creativity; it can be symbolic and beautiful if you actually put in some effort. Granted, I know all of you are not natural born artists but, almost everyone can make a wonderful project if they just set their mind to it. Now, off to talk with your partners….you have exactly two weeks to do this; due the day before Thanksgiving break." And with that, she clapped her hands together and went to sit behind her desk, flipping through of her many art books.

A lot of people thought that our teacher was a bit weird and wasn't really much of a teacher but, they just didn't get it. You can't teach art. I mean yes, you can show someone how to draw in a certain way, show them different techniques but _true _love of art? Well, that's just something that you have inside of you. You can't teach someone that; you have to do it on your own terms. She wasn't really here to teach us like any other teacher. No, she was just here to guide us along the way.

And quite frankly, I was excited for this project. Already, the wheels were beginning to turn in my head. There was so many ways to approach this collage project. Clearly, this would be my main focus for the next two weeks. I, of course, wasn't going to attempt to make it perfect. You simply cannot perfect art, it just happens the way it wants to. I had a pretty good inclination that it was going to be amazing though.

"Well, fuck." Two words and I was once again snapped from my daydreaming of art and collages to find Jasper, my partner, looking less than happy. "Oh, come on Lucy. Don't look at me like that. You know this art shit isn't me….I'm horrible at it."

"You're not horrible at art, Jasper. You just…don't like it that's all. Two different things."

"Either way, I have to spend two weeks working on this collage thing."

I gave him a quick frown. I knew that he didn't like to draw or anything art related but this was a simple collage, it wasn't that complicated was it?

"Well, I can always help you decide what you want to put on it."

"Put on it? I thought this was a painting project?"

"It can be and we can decide whether or not we want to paint anything on the canvas but, like she said, art is supposed to be creative and symbolic. So, there's so many we ways we can do this."

"Oh, Jesus Christ" he sighed "You're really excited about this aren't you?" his face was a bit hard to read but his voice didn't indicate that he was making fun of me or was upset with me. He was just…frustrated?

"I love art" I shrugged, giving him a small smile. "Is that um…bad?"

"No. It just means I can't fuck up now."

"Run that by me again?" now I was confused.

"If this was just my project, I wouldn't really give a shit but, being as it's not just me, I'm not about to let my partner down."

I felt something inside of me do something funny when he said he wasn't going to let me down. Something along the lines of a _flutter? _No, that was ridiculous! Wasn't it?

"Don't worry, it'll be fun. You just have to not worry about it so much. Just let it come to you Jasper." I tried to reassure him but it didn't seem to be working.

"Whatever. So when do you want to start working on this?"

"Today if you want? Unless you're doing something…"

"What would I possibly be doing other than trying to avoid unwanted conversation with Carlisle and my brother?"

"I…uh, I don't know. That's why I was asking."

"No, I don't have anything to do. So, I guess I can come over."

He guessed? That was better than nothing I suppose "Ok then. Do you need to head home before you come over? Because I can always walk home."

"Why would I need to go to my house? And I'm letting you walk home Lucy. It's going to start raining any second."

"I like the rain."

"Yea, well if you get sick, who's going to help me finish the project?" that, I suppose, was his way of saying he didn't want me getting sick right? See, he did care; in his own little way.

"You might need to get a different shirt, unless you don't mind that one getting dirty. Besides, there's nothing you have at home that you could contribute to the collage?"

"No" his answer was quick, cold "Don't you have everything we'd need at your house?"

"The basics but, there's no magazines, books or even pictures that you'd want to put on it?"

"Well what are we making this a collage of?"

"Oh." I was so stupid sometimes. "I was thinking that maybe we could make it a collage of things that represented us? Or where we came from?"

"I guess so." he didn't seem to eager to think about where he came from in the slightest and it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps Jasper's moving here had a lot more in common to do with my own move than I originally thought; and that's when it dawned on me. A new idea! Not just a new idea, a pretty fantastic idea.

"You know what, forget about the books or personal pictures. You have magazines at your house right?"

"Yea but…"

"I'm sure Esme wouldn't mind if you borrowed some from her right? I'm sure she has tons of them that if you took some it'd be alright?"

"I suppose. So what, I'm just going to get some magazines and go back to your house?"

"Yes. Well, that and get a different shirt. Unless you don't mind that one getting dirty?"

"Dirty? What the hell kind of art project are we working on?" he seemed more confused by the second.

"Art isn't supposed to be neat and perfect. Sometimes you get a little messy…"

"Fine. Whatever, I'll go get a different shirt and magazines after I drop you off and then I'll come back. Does that work out for you?"

"Sounds perfect." I wasn't sure if he could tell that I was genuinely excited about this or not but regardless, he remained relatively silent the rest of the class, only saying a few things here and there before the bell rang and it was time to go.

Ever since we had cleared up things between us, we fell back into the usual routine of him waiting for me at his car while I got my things and I eventually crossed the parking lot, successfully avoiding any glares that still were being thrown my way every day.

As he drove me home, I wondered if he was used to this routine as well? He had to right? Why else would he just take me home instead of asking me anymore? Was it something he just expected to happen? If that were the case, then I guess things really were good between us. On top of it, did that mean he was getting used to me, maybe even letting me in a little bit?

_Well, lets not get too carried away Lucinda. You always tend to get ahead of yourself. _

Now this was true. I always seemed to over analyze things for more than what they actually were but honestly who hasn't?

"Well, I'll be back in about twenty minutes Lucy." I hadn't realized I was home already until I heard the car stopping.

"Oh, um okay." I grabbed my things quickly before getting out "I'll see you in a bit." he nodded as I shut the door and quickly made my way into the house. The clouds had gotten darker in the last hour and rain was imminent; at any moment know. Quite frankly, I loved the rain. There was just something about it that was so beautiful to me. Beautiful, yes but I also get sick a lot when it rains from being outside so much just standing in it. Oh, but the two week cold is worth it sometimes.

Quickly looking around the house, I made sure that everything was relatively clean. Which, I knew it would be, my parents don't really like things to be out of order. I didn't know how long Jasper planned on staying here but I made sure there was at least some food for him in case he got hungry.

I went to my room, throwing my bag in the corner before finding some clothes to change into. Mom would kill me if I got these clothes dirty; she still treated me like I was five sometimes, always saying I needed to change before I went to go play. She had a point to a certain extent I guess. Slipping out of the school clothes, I grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt. Yes, it was November and on the verge of a thunderstorm outside but when I was working on something, it was vital to be able to move freely. Besides, my clothes was alright…it was just Jasper coming over, no need to dress all formal. Not like he cared about _that_.

_He is a boy Lucinda. And you know how boys like him can be…_

"Boys like him" I scoffed. Please, Jasper wasn't any worse than…oh.

_What did I tell you? _

The doorbell ringing was a much needed cut off to the thoughts in my mind. I got to the door quickly, opening it to find a rather surprised Jasper looking back at me. For one split second, I thought I saw something; something that just about made me second guess what I was wearing. In a flash, it was gone and he stepped in the house out of the cold.

**Jasper**

_Oh, Jesus Christ you're in trouble. _

Ignoring my thoughts, I stepped inside the house, shutting the door behind me. And like the hormonal mother fucker I am, I just stared at Lucy as she walked away from me.

Shit, what the hell was she wearing? I was so used to seeing her in jeans, long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. But now, dressed in a pair of shorts and a black shirt, I was wondering why in God's name I hadn't noticed it before?

_Noticed what? Stop staring at the girl….nothing good will come out of it. _

"I figured we could work upstairs. That's where um, all my art stuff is….in my room." she looked at my cautiously, awaiting my response.

"That's fine." I shrugged. What did she expect? I did find it a bit odd that she was allowing my to go upstairs though. In the time I had known Lucy, she had barely let me in her living room, let alone _her _room. God, I could never keep up with this girl. I mean, she doesn't let people get too close to her and now here we were, her about to let me inside of her room.

_Oh, don't over fucking analyze things Jasper. She wouldn't bring you into her room for any other purpose than to work on this project. She's not that kind of girl and you know it. _

I actually didn't know what kind of girl Lucy was. Like I said, I couldn't really keep up.

Following her up the stairs, she sort of stumbled, grasping the rail to steady herself. I fought back the sudden urge to try and help her because, I knew how she was; too close and she pulled and shied away. Why? I had no clue; that was just Lucy and who was I to question?

"Well, this is my room." she opened the door, letting me walk in before her. Probably so she could see me. At first I didn't say anything, I just took it all in, turning slowly so I could see anything.

"I know it's a bit girly." she shrugged.

"What's with all the fucking pink?"

"Pink is my favorite color." she pouted slightly and for a moment, I found to be rather cute but I shook my head of those thoughts quickly.

"So you wanted a pink room? Isn't a bit oh I don't know, too much?"

Glancing around the room, it really was all shades of pink; Pink walls, the shit on her bed was all pink too. Fuck, even the carpet was a light shade of pink. After being in pink overload for a moment, something else caught me eye. On the right side of her paid were two black and white pictures hanging side by side and something about them seemed so familiar.

"Wasn't she beautiful?" Lucy tentatively stepped beside me as I looked at the pictures "She's my icon you know? So tragically beautiful." she whispered.

Staring at the pictures a bit longer, it finally dawned on me who she was.

"Why do you like these ones so much?"

"I always thought there were two sides to Marilyn Monroe. The happy side" she pointed the one where she was holding up her hand and laughing "And the sad, maybe even depressed side" she pointed to the other in which she looking off to the side, hand over her lips and in deep thought.

And that's when it dawned on me! I knew why these pictures looked so fucking familiar. The happy one minute and sad next minute? Shit, it was like looking at Lucy. She could be the sweetest and shyest girl you've ever met one moment and then she'd be shut off and a bit off the next.

Looking at the pictures and at Lucy, it was like staring at a mirrored image. However, I highly doubted that she saw the same thing. I'm pretty sure that Lucy hardly ever noticed her certain mood changes; it was just a part of her.

"Well, should we get started on this project." she changed the subject, walking over to her closet before she started pulling out all kinds of things.

"I have the canvas, and all this tissue paper and magazines." she tossed it all on the floor before sitting down "What did you bring?"

"Just some magazines Esme had laying around." I threw the few magazines I had into the pile and sat down across from her.

"What exactly are we doing anyways?"

"I was thinking" she sighed "There has to be something we have in common Jasper."

"Lucy, I doubt that…"

"No, hear me out" she cut me off "Even if it's just one thing. And I'm pretty sure I know what that is."

"And what is that?"

"Our mothers." she stated. The look that crossed my face I'm sure didn't go unnoticed but she just overlooked it. "So, I need you to tell me about her Jasper."

"I'd rather not." I replied coldly and she frowned. "I don't like talking about my mother, Lucy. And that's that."

"I don't want life details, just simple things about her. Please?" she tilted her head slightly and waited.

Oh fuck why does she have to look at me like that? "Fine." I gave in to her against my good will. "What do you want to know?"

"Did she have any hobbies? Or certain things she enjoyed looking at or having?"

I thought back briefly to my life back in Texas, something I hardly ever did these days. Those memories were locked away in the back of my mind and now, Lucy had unknowingly forced me to open that box of memories again for the sake of this stupid art project.

"Flowers" was my response a minute later "She loved flowers."

Lucy seemed pleased with this answer "Well, that was easy." she smiled, looking down at all the things in front of us. She was thinking, trying to see something in her mind.

"What?"

"My mother loves flowers too. So, what do you say we take all this paper, maybe even cut out pictures of flowers from the magazines and arrange them on the canvas so they look like flowers?"

"What?" I had no idea what she talking about.

"Just, go with it alright? What was your mom's favorite flower?"

"Roses. More so orange roses. She always loved those ones."

"My mom's favorite are white and pink lilies. I think that would look really good together don't you?"

"And the point of this is what again?"

"Well, we're partners right? I think it would be really amazing if we could take something from our backgrounds that we both had in common and sort of…intertwine them? Our mothers' love of flowers seems to be a good idea don't you think?"

She had a point. And if that meant she was going to stop asking me questions about my mother, then that was fine by me.

"So what do we do now?"

"Well, we need to decided on what to paint on the canvas first. A certain color or if you want, the names of the cities we're from or something that represents that city that we loved about it."

"Like?"

We spent the next thirty minutes deciding on what to pain on the canvas. We came to the conclusion that the flowers would take up the majority of it and that it would be against a black background being as the flowers were going to be pink, white and orange. And at the bottom of the flowers, we would paint little things that reminded us of 'home.' Actually, it seemed like it was going to turn out pretty fucking amazing when it was all said and done.

"Alright, so you start cutting up the tissue paper into little strips and I'll start painting the canvas. Unless, you want to paint it?"

"No, you paint…" I didn't really care but I could manage cutting little strips of paper. "I'll do this."

"You know, I think this is a really cool project." she grabbed the canvas, as she began to paint it "It gives you the chance to just think about everything. You know, where you came from and what not?"

"I guess."

"You don't ever think about Texas Jasper?"

"Not really."

"Really? I think about LA all the time."

"You moving back there once you graduate?"

"Oh" she grew quiet suddenly "Um, no I don't think that would be a good thing to do."

Oh, now we were getting somewhere. Lucy hadn't told me why they had moved here. Well, she hadn't given me exact details but, that answer had just signified that maybe something had happened and that's why she was living here now.

"Will you ever go back to Texas?"

"Like hell I will" I responded bitterly "There is nothing there worth going back for."

There was moment of awkwardness between us. Lucy may miss where she's from but it was clear that neither of us had the desire nor the courage to go back to out hometowns any time soon. Which meant, we had something in common yet again.

"You know, you should practice making the flower pattern with the tissue paper before we put it on the canvas. Here" she leaned over, handing me some plain paper "Just play around with it, it doesn't have to be perfect but at least you'll get the idea."

Grabbing pieces of orange and green along with some random ass pictures I cut out of magazines, I began arranging them on the paper, hoping that they would magically look like a flower. But I had no luck.

"Here, let me see the paper." she took it back from me and walked to her bedroom window "The canvas has to dry anyways" I watched her as she stared out the window for a few moments, her hand and pencil moving gently over the paper before coming back to me.

"It's raining out there" she announced, excitement in her voice "I'd love to just sit out in the rain. But, my parents would probably get mad if I got sick again."

"Is that another fascination of yours?" I looked at the paper she have me and then back to her "Sitting in the rain?"

"It's extremely peaceful. But don't worry about that, focus on making the flower…"

She had made a faint outline of a rose and my job was to fill it in with the paper so that it represented an actual flower. Easier said than done. I must be artistically challenged because I ended up with paper everywhere and glue on my hands and my flower looked a bit messy. Glancing over at Lucy, hers was fucking perfect and neat. Staring at the paper in front of her, she had her head tilted and was biting her lip as she arranged things on there. She really loved this shit; I thought it was a bit annoying. That, or I was just really bad at it.

"See?" she held up her paper and showed me "It's easy once you get the hang of it."

"Yea, right." she looked down at mine, a look of amusement crossing her face. She didn't laugh though, she just stared at it for a few more moments "You can say it looks like shit Lucy. I won't be offended."

"It's not bad. You just…need to work on it some more. And that's fine…art is all about trial and error. Give it a few more tries and you'll get it."

She sounded so optimistic about things that I couldn't help but believe her. "If you say so."

We spent the next three hours in her room, me attempting to make flowers while Lucy just made some for the hell of it, not needing any practice or anything.

Each time, I ended up with more glue and paper stuck to my hands. She had been right when she said art was messy sometimes. Lucy was so wound up in the things she was making that I was able to look at her without being caught. She was completely in her element and she truly seemed happy while she worked. She switched positions occasionally, stretching her legs out, curling them underneath her. And all the while, she was completely oblivious to me.

I was about to give up with all this flower shit when I saw it; a bright flash outside of Lucy's window right before I heard it. That loud sound that still, after all these years, sent chills down my spine.

Lucy didn't see the flash but when she heard it, she immediately jumped, dropping what was in her hand.

"Oh, great" she looked down at her now mess of paper. She looked towards her window and seemed to be fixated on the rain and noises coming from outside. Before I knew it, she was up and staring out said window, a look of fascination gleaming in her eyes "Jasper, come here." she waved me over as she watched.

"I'll pass." I stood up, looking around my sweatshirt and keys. I should really get back to the house before…

Another flash and loud booming sound came again and next thing I knew, the lights flickered and then there was a sudden darkness in the room.

"Shit."

"Oh, it's just a power outage Jasper, it's not that serious." Lucy was standing in front of me, a confused look on her face.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Are you…" she looked amused once again "Scared?"

Fuck, this was not going to be good. Not only where there a fucking thunderstorm outside but now I was in the bedroom of a girl who, up until this very moment, I had forgotten that there was this invisible string between us. And now, when I really didn't need it, I could feel that string being pulled towards her again.

"It's just rain, Jasper. What's the worse that could happen?"

Little did she know.

"Anything and everything." was my response; a shitty response but my mind was incapable of thinking of anything else.

What the hell was I going to do now?

* * *

**Again, lots happening. New art project, Jasper talked a bit about his mom, these two have more in common than they thought... **

**And yay for rain and thunderstorms! Song from this chapter is "There are Places I Remember" by the Beatles. Link on the profile, as well as a link to what I see Lucy's room looking like (can I just say, I want a pink room too w/ pictures of Marilyn Monroe!)**

**Reviews are love.  
**


	10. Sweet Child O’ Mine

**A/N: As always, the reviews were love and I can't thank you all enough. **

**I can't even begin to tell you how excited that this chapter is finally being posted. Ask my girls Meg & Perla...I haven't been able to shut up about it for weeks! **

**I have to give a major thanks to _Waitingfornow _because she inspired me greatly with her story _Breathe. _She is an amazing author and you all should read her stories! **

**I highly recommend that you listen to the song 'Feeling Good' by Muse....the time for it will come about half way into the chapter. The song is amazing; link for the playlist on the profile, so definitely listen to it! With that, enjoy!**

**

* * *

****Chapter 10: Sweet Child O' Mine**

_**She's got eyes of the bluest skies, as if they thought of rain. I hate to look into those eyes and see and ounce of pain. Her hair reminds me of a warm place, where as a child I'd hide and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by. **_

"Shit!" I flinched again when a flash of lightening lit up the bedroom once more.

"Are you scared of lightening?" Lucy rephrased her previous question, biting that lip of hers, but this time trying to stop her laughter; she failed miserably.

"Ha, ha. Very fucking funny Lucy." I smirked, moving to get my things "I guess I should get going then." I reached for my jacket.

"No, wait!" she touched my arm hesitantly "Please, just…will you stay?" she asked, in a shy little voice. "I didn't mean to laugh at you. It's just, well…um, it's just thunder Jasper."

_If only you fucking knew Lucy…if only. _

"Won't your parents get pissed off? They aren't exactly fond of me you know."

"They won't be back until Sunday so you'll be fine. Please, I don't think I can handle being home alone."

"Oh, so now who's scared of the thunder?"

"Oh, I love thunder and lightning." She let go of my arm "I just don't like being alone in the dark. Besides, I can make you dinner. Or well, I can make you a sandwich or something since all the lights are out."

_Such a typical girl. Well, you know how you feel about thunderstorms…and the girl's offering you to stay the night. So, you might as well keep your ass here. _

"I guess so." I shrugged indifferently "It's better than being cooped up with Carlisle and Edward."

"You mean your family?" she frowned.

I could only scoff at the mention of the Cullens and family in the same sentence. Even after a few months of living with them, my mind still hasn't changed.

"It's okay Jasper, you don't have to say anything." She smiled slightly "Let's just head back downstairs and see what I can find."

"After you" I set everything back down and followed her out of the room. It was still raining pretty hard and every now and then, there was that bright flash. Luckily, Lucy was behind me so she wouldn't see me cringe every time. Walking down the stairs though, she nearly tripped twice in the dark.

"Graceful much?"

"It's dark" she frowned, grabbing a candle that was in the living room before heading into the kitchen. It was pretty dark but she was still able to mobilize around pretty easily. Throwing something together quickly for us to eat.

"I uh, I have to take my medicine and I don't really feel like going to the dark bathroom. So, can you turn around or something for a minute?"

"You're kidding me right?"

"Um, no?"

"Fine, whatever." I turned around, facing the wall for what only felt like thirty seconds before she told me it was okay to turn around.

We ate in almost relative silence. Partly because there wasn't much to say but mostly because I was still scared shitless with the thunderstorm that was still looming outside.

She did make idle chat however about that art project. She sure loved to talk about it. However, it was pretty evident that she had a love of art and so I just let her ramble, knowing it made her happy. My opinion didn't really matter. She was the art genius, I was just her art partner. Thankfully, she hadn't given me any shit for lacking in the artistic inspiration department. Though hearing about it was getting to be too much, I still let her talk. Because frankly, it was keeping my mind from thinking about everything else. The things I _never _wanted to really think about again.

"Should we just go to bed? We can't really work on the project anymore being as it's pretty dark in here now." she quickly changed the subject once we were finally done.

I took out my cell phone and glanced at the bright lights. It was barely ten but, she was right. There wasn't much we could do anymore. Besides, getting some rest seemed like a good idea; meant I didn't have to deal with reality.

"Sounds like a plan. Now, how is this going to work Lucy? You aren't going to make me sleep on the floor are you?" I crossed my arms across my chest once we were back upstairs.

"Oh, no" she bit her lip "My bed's pretty big and I don't take up a lot of room. So, I wouldn't mind sharing it with you. That is, if you don't mind."

_Oh, what the fuck? She's not really serious is she? _

"Well hell, I'm not an idiot. Of course I don't mind."

"Ok then" she said eying me funny "I just have to change. But, make yourself comfortable. I'll be back in a few." She walked over to her dresser and pulled out some clothes before she walked into the bathroom.

I stood there for a few moments before I kicked my shoes off and slipped off the shirt I was wearing so that I just had on the shirt underneath it.

"You should keep the jeans on." I mumbled to myself. I sat on the bed and waited for a few minutes. As I sat there, I noticed a picture on the nightstand. I picked it up gently so that I could get a better look. It was a picture of Lucy and another girl. The two of them looked to be about thirteen or so. What their age was didn't matter because I completely pulled in by the smile that was on Lucy's face. A smile that was so god damn genuine.

Unfortunately, in the few months I've known Lucy, I haven't been able to make her smile like that.

_Why would you? You barely even know her. You haven't even told her why you're really here. Why would she smile like that for you idiot? _

"What are you doing?" I almost dropped the picture because I was so consumed in my thoughts that I didn't see Lucy come site beside me.

"I was just looking at the picture." I shrugged "Who's the girl?" I set it back on the nightstand.

"That's my cousin Anna" she looked down at her hands, and I heard a hint of sadness in her voice "She um…she died a year ago. She was the sweetest girl…she was my best friend." Her last words coming out a whisper "She was the only one I could ever talk to about the…." her voice trailed off and she snapped her head up and looked at me.

"Talked to her about what?" I turned to face her completely. "What happened to her?"

"No, it's nothing. Just forget I said it okay?" she stood up quickly "Are you ready to go to sleep?" she took in my appearance and I took in hers.

In a pair of sweats and tattered t-shirt, her long hair was loose and all over the place. I wondered for a moment if it was down because she was upset about something or if she just slept with it down.

Either way, I was way too fixated on her than should be normal.

"Aren't you going to be…warm?" I asked her as we both settled in on her bed.

_What a stupid thing to ask! It's raining and we're in the middle of November. _

"No." she said quickly and perhaps for added effect, she got underneath the blankets and pulled them around her.

"Well, how are we supposed to have fun if you're buried underneath all those blankets?"

Her innocent eyes widened slightly as she sort of gaped at me.

"Lucy, I was just kidding. You really think I would try and take advantage of you? I don't work that way…" I frowned. But, it seemed to have done something to her because her eyes immediately softened.

"That means a lot Jasper." She sighed "You have no idea."

I didn't know how to respond to that so I just shook my head like a fool.

"Goodnight." She turned her back towards me. I guess that meant the conversation was over. Following her lead, I just leaned back on her bed, facing her back. I don't know how long I lay there, hearing the steady rhythm of her breath before sleep eventually over came me.

I woke up sometime later and knew instantly that I was alone in the bed. Reaching over for my phone, I saw that it was three am. I sat up slightly and saw that there were some lit candles in the bedroom now. I was about to go look for Lucy when I heard some noises coming from the bathroom. After my heart settled back in my chest, I realized that it was music coming from the bathroom. And then I saw her.

There were more candles in the bathroom so there was some light in there. I leaned back slightly and lay on my side and just watched. I knew it was probably wrong but if Lucy had hadn't wanted privacy, she should've shut the damn door. Right?

_Oh, fuck _I thought when my eyes finally adjusted to the mixture of darkness, candles and the occasional flash of lightening.

Standing with her back to the bedroom, she was standing there wearing just a pair of shorts. From here, they were maybe black but what the hell did that matter? The color didn't matter, especially when I noticed that she began to sway her hips to the music. It was the slightest movement and yet, I couldn't tear my eyes off of her. I took note of the song she was listening to and I couldn't help but smile. This was actually a song I knew; for once.

_Birds flying high you know how I feel  
Sun in the sky you know how I feel  
Reeds driftin' on by you know how I feel_

_It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
For me  
And I'm feeling good. _

She wasn't singing to the music, but she sure as hell was feeling it. Still with her hips moving, I watched as she slowly put the rest of her clothes on. It was so strange to watch her get dressed in this manner. Is this how she always did it? Was she trying to put on some sort of show for me? Dear God if she was, I'd be willing to pay for an encore every night.

_Fish in the sea you know how I feel  
River running free you know how I feel  
blossom in the trees you know how I feel_

_  
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you  
know  
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean  
Sleep in peace when day is done  
And this old world is a new world  
And a bold world  
For me_

And then something caught my eye. Even in the dark, I could see There, on her lower back was jagged line. From my spot on the bed, I could tell that it was a scar. A scar that she had undoubtedly got when she fell out of the tree. I still didn't believe that she had simply fallen but, that was her story and I knew better than to press for more information.

She still moved gently to the music as she brushed her hair. When she was done, she pulled it all up and away from her face. I knew she was going to come back out here so, I quickly repositioned myself back to my previous spot and pretended I was asleep.

When she emerged from the bathroom, I could hear her singing now. She climbed up onto the bed and I thought she was going to stop and just go back to sleep.

But, to my utter shock and contentment, I felt her shift a bit closer to me, until I could hear her breathing right beside me. I kept my eyes shut though. If she knew I was awake, she'd be pissed.

Just when I thought this wasn't tortuous enough, I felt her hand begin to trace little patterns on my arm. And she was doing it in the most delicious way. And then suddenly, I could feel her lips, hovering just slightly above my ear.

_Stars when you shine you know how I feel  
Scent of the pine you know how I feel  
Oh freedom is mine  
And I know how I feel_

_It's a new dawn  
It's a new day  
It's a new life  
For me  
And I'm feeling good_

The song finished and she pulled back instantly from me. I could tell because there was no longer this sensational scent surrounding me anymore. But, before I had a chance to completely process what had just happened, I felt a hand gently touch my face and I had to fight everything to just lean into that fucking warm hand of hers.

"Thanks for staying with me Jasper." She whispered gently and, so help me God, I felt her lean in closer to me and press those lips of hers against my cheek. It took every ounce of me to not just turn my head three centimeters to the right and bring her to me. Her being so close to me…it was intoxicating. It was something inexplicable and didn't know why or how she was doing this to me.

But, as intoxicating as her scent and her voice was, there was something that was bit off? Now that she was done entrancing me with her voice, I noticed that Lucy wasn't wearing much. She had one those shorts, a bra and that was about it. It confused the shit out of me. How could she go from hiding under the blankets one minute to practically seducing me in my sleep while she was half naked? Then again, Lucy always did things that surprised me. I never knew what she was going to do. It was like she was walking the fine line of being a little innocent girl one to a little temptress.

With her so close, I was able to feel her skin pressed against mine. Even though I was wearing a shirt, I could still feel the warmth of her body searing right through me.

She, much to my dismay, pulled away from me. I felt her hesitation on the bed for a few moments. A part of me knew that she should go put a shirt on. We were in the middle of November for Christ sakes. But, there was another part of me, the part that was ruled by male hormones, that wanted her to stay exactly how she was. Much to my relief, she ended up not getting up off the bed. Instead, I felt her lean her head against me slightly, our bodies barely touching. She grabbed one of the sheets and pulled it up over her but only covered up to her waist. Like that was going to do her any good but I wasn't complaining.

It was enough for me. It was enough for her apparently because soon, she was fast asleep. When I knew that was off in dream land, I allowed myself to turn on my side so I could get a better look at her. I gently ran the back of my hand down the side of her face. She let out a sigh and snuggled deeper into my arm. Girls loved that kind of shit.

Without thinking, I took that same hand and draped it over her waist so that it was lingering on her back before I lightly ran my fingertips across her scar. She moved again and I was about to pull away from her but instead of waking up, she just curled in closer to me, if that was even possible. So I just kept my hand right where it was. I couldn't pull away. There was nothing sexual at all about it. If that was the case, I would've been doing much more than just tracing her scar with my fingers. No, there was just something about that scar. Much like everything else Lucy did, I was just drawn right into it.

I wanted nothing more than to just shake her awake and practically beg her to let me kiss those lips of hers. To let me get a closer look at _all _of her. To let me touch, let me explore and appreciate everything about her. But, all of those thoughts had to be pushed to the back of my mind as I continued to stare at her face, the moonlight hitting it at just the right angle. I had never seen Lucy so much at peace. She actually looked…well hell, she looked happy.

And damn it, regardless of my selfish wants, I wasn't about to act on any of them. Not when she looked liked a fucking angel. So I just lay there and watched her…watched her until my eyes betrayed me and I succumbed to the sleep my body was desperate for with my hand still touching her back lightly, moving slowly up and down.

The next time I woke up, it was due to an irritating noise hitting the window. Even with my suspicions, I still opened my eyes and peered over towards it. Sure enough, it was the sound of rain hitting Lucy's window pane.

_So much for sleeping in. _

The candles had longed since died out but it was okay since there was a bit of light coming into the room. Enough to know that is was around eight or so in the morning and that the power was back on. After lying there for a few minutes, I felt something shift slightly against me and that's when I remembered that I wasn't at my own house. Cautiously, I cast my eyes downward and saw that, sometime during the night, our sleeping positions had changed and I was on my back…with Lucy practically latched on to me.

With my attention focused solely on her, I felt her breath against my neck as she breathed in and out. Her hair was now loose, fanned out around her with some falling against me. With her so close, I couldn't resist. I pressed my face gently in her hair, lingering there for a few moments, letting it just fucking calm me down. Why? Who the hell knows but it just did.

Her hand had grabbed a fistful of my shirt and she was holding on to it tightly, as though she didn't want me to leave her. Though she was holding on tightly, her face showed no signs of fear or tension. She looked utterly carefree as she slept. But, what surprised me the most was that she had somehow draped one of her legs on top of one of mine. In the time that I had known her, she hadn't really let me come too close to her. She'd barely let me hug her completely. And even then, she would tense up when I did it lightly. But, at this very moment, I was relishing in the contact she was allowing us to have. Even if she was fast asleep, that wasn't even an issue as far as I was concerned.

Because, at this very moment, whatever she was looking for, she was clearly getting it from me.

But, all good things must come to an end at some point. After about twenty minutes of me just watching her sleeping form molded against me, one final shift and that's when my body started to betray me. Things were no longer innocent. Who was I kidding, I wanted things to be anything but fucking innocent but, I knew that Lucy would probably freak out on me if she woke up, wrapped up around me and a guilty look on my face.

So, reluctantly, I pulled her gently away from me and got up in one swift movement, making sure her head was resting gently on the pillow. Before I moved away, I saw her take a deep breath against the pillow before a sly smile creeped onto her face and she pressed her face deeper into it. A smug smile formed across my face as I made my way over to her bathroom so splash some water on my face and looked at least somewhat presentable by the time she woke up.

Standing there in the bathroom, I just stared at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was all over the place and I didn't understand why. I hadn't moved that much while I was sleeping. As soon as I thought about it, images of Lucy possibly running her hands through my hair in the middle of the night popped into my mind. I could literally feel it and I shook my head of the thoughts.

_Why in the hell would she be doing that to you in the middle of the night? You think too highly of yourself sometimes you idiot. _

I turned and looked over at her collection of products to see if there was _anything _I could use but, all she had were a bunch of hair products for girls. And, I wasn't about to walk around smelling like god knows what. As I was looking, I noticed a bottle of perfume. Curious, I picked it up and sprayed it away from me and then leaned in and inhaled it.

It was heavenly. This was the scent that had gripped me last night. It was the perfect mixture of all kinds of berries. It was ridiculously sweet smelling. I had noticed it on her before but, after she had taken a shower and it was fresh on her, it was completely overwhelming to my senses.

Fairly pleased with my current state, I walked out of the bathroom, the smell of the perfume still lingering in my mind. I grabbed my shirt that I thrown over a chair and slipped it back on, buttoning it up half way.

"Jasper?" a groggy voice called my attention and I turned around, in the midst of buttoning the shirt and looked over at Lucy who was sitting up slightly in the bed. "Are you leaving?" she asked in what sounded like a disappointed tone.

Her hair, which had been up the last time I saw her was now loose again and was everywhere. She must have noticed me taking her in because she ran her hand thru it, trying to push some of it back a bit. And then she did that one little move that drove me crazy sometimes. She bit her lower lip, and awaited my response.

"Jesus Lucy…" I sighed deeply but not for the reason she thought. She was killing me and she didn't even know it. And then I said the first non-romantic thing that popped into my head "You're acting like we just had a one night stand and I'm about to abandon you and never come back." I blurted out.

She furrowed her eyebrows for a few seconds before she looked down and let a small gasp escape her lips at her current state. She quickly got up and walked into the bathroom and shut the door. It was such a typical girl thing to do but even knowing that, I wasn't expecting to hear her quiet sobs.

_Oh. Jesus Christ._ _Way to go you asshole. _

"Lucy." I knocked on the door.

_Yea, because you weren't man enough to tell her when you were really thinking. _

She didn't answer me.

"Come on Lucy. Just come out here so we can talk." I said as calm as I could. But, I was growing pretty irritated already. I didn't have the world's longest patience span. I needed to get it through that head of hers that I hadn't mean what I said.

A minute or two passed before the door slowly opened and she stepped out, this time wearing a shirt.

"I want an apology." She demanded.

"An apology? For what, it was a joke."

"A joke, you basically degraded me." She scoffed.

I just rolled my eyes "calm down Lucy…"

"Apologize." She repeated.

"Like hell I will."

She narrowed her eyes at me before a small smile formed on her lips "Please?"

"Nope." I said firmly.

"I hate you." She sighed. To that, I merely laughed.

"Sure didn't look like it this morning." I let slip.

"What? Oh god, please tell me I didn't do something incredibly stupid?" her eyes widened and she started walking back in forth in front of me.

_Oh, you idiot! _

"No, Lucy" I stopped her "you did everything so god damn right."

_Jesus, what is happening here? What is this girl doing to me?!_

"What?"

"When I woke up this morning...well, you were sort of attached to me."

"I what?!" she looked down and blushed fiercely "Oh, god I'm so stupid. I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing? Look at me Lucy." I called her and she hesitantly raised her eyes to meet mine. "Don't apologize, because I don't feel bad about it. The look on your face was completely priceless."

"What kind of look?"

How could I put this so she would understand and not take it the wrong way?

"Well, it looked like you had just had the best sex of your life and you were so fucking peaceful Lucy…so content."

"Jasper!" she covered her mouth for a few seconds "Can you please not talk like that."

"About sex?"

"Yes, now just…can we just pretend like this didn't happen?"

"Even if I wanted to, I'm pretty certain that the look on your face will be in my mind for quite a long time."

"Oh, god." She shook her head "It's not going to make things awkward is it?"

"Jesus Lucy, we didn't do anything! No lines were crossed. It was just…friendly."

_But I'll be damned if I tell her that I wanted something to happen. _

"Ok." She nodded slowly "Well, I guess we should head downstairs. Come on, I'll make you breakfast." She didn't give me a chance to respond, she just started walking towards the door, grabbing a hair tie on the way.

By the time I got down there, she was already pulling out things to make. She paused for a second and walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed something.

"I'll be right back." She mumbled quickly and headed down the hall and I heard the door to the bathroom close. Three minutes later, she was back.

"My medicine." She answered my unasked question quietly and I just nodded.

"Do you like pancakes?" she turned and quickly changed the subject.

"Who the fuck doesn't like pancakes?" I took a seat at the table.

"I'll take that as a yes." She nodded and then went on her way, pausing only momentarily to turn on the stereo, pressing play for whatever CD she had in there.

As soon as the song began, I had to look away from her and shut my eyes, trying desperately to get the images of Lucy dancing half naked in her bathroom this morning.

Yes, it was _that _song. Out of all the songs…she must really love it.

"Are you okay Jasper?" Lucy snapped me from my thoughts, a concerned look on her face.

"I'm fine. It's just that song." I shrugged.

"Oh. You don't like it? I can change it…"

"No. It's just…my ex-girlfriend, she really loved this song as she was always listening to it." I lied through my teeth. I doubt that Alice even knew what this song was. But, Lucy didn't know that. I didn't like lying to her but, I wasn't about to tell her what I was really thinking.

She looked a little perplexed but she just went right back to her cooking.

Fifteen minutes later, there was a plate being placed in front of me with a stack of chocolate chip pancakes.

"I hope you like them." She handed me a fork, set down two glasses of orange juice along with her food.

"Oh, shit." I sighed "Lucy these are fucking amazing."

She just laughed gently and sat down across from me. But, she sure as hell wasn't eating pancakes. In fact, even the glass of juice she was drinking looked disgusting.

"What the hell is that shit?" I looked over at the stuff she had in front of her.

"Oatmeal?" she looked at me.

"Why are you eating that when you have these delicious pancakes?"

"I can't have pancakes." She sighed.

"Oh, shit I forgot. Then why did you make them?"

"I highly doubt you'd want to eat sugar free oatmeal Jasper." She shrugged, twirling her spoon in the bowl before she ate some of it. "Besides, it was fun to cook for someone else for a change. Someone who doesn't worry about what he puts in his stomach."

God, that sounded disgusting. But, I knew she had a hard enough time so I kept my mouth shut.

"Well, feel free to bring me lunch any day. You're a really good cook."

She smiled slightly before going back to that dreaded oatmeal.

We spent the rest of the morning working on that art project. Well, Lucy worked and I mostly watched and just sat around.

"Did you get scared again last night?" she asked casually as she arranged things on the canvas.

"Actually, no." I sighed. Might as well be honest "And I sort of have you to thank for it."

"Why?" she tilted her head.

"Ever since I was younger, thunderstorms would scare the shit out of me. They still do. But last night, it was like you being there with me really helped. I fell asleep easily and didn't even wake up."

_Not man enough to tell her the truth about that night Jasper? _

"Is that how you dealt with them when you were younger too? By having someone in the room with you? Your mom maybe?" she turned back to the painting. And I was glad so she didn't see the look of anger that crossed across my face.

"Yes. Something like that." I said tensely but she didn't seem to notice.

"That's nice. And I'm glad I was able to help you get through the storm." She joked.

We sat in her room for another hour or so before I started getting really bored.

"Can we go somewhere?" I asked her "I'm tired of being in here."

"Um, alright." She set her brush down "Like where?"

"Fuck if I know Lucy. Just, get dressed and we'll go from there."

"Ok, then." She stood "I'll be ready in twenty minutes, promise."

"Fine" I shrugged as she walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her.

I just sat down on her bed and waited. I had nothing better to do. Thankfully, she really did come out twenty minutes later. I turned to look at her and my eyes widened a bit.

She was wearing a pair of jeans and a white button up shirt with the first three buttons left undone. That brown hair of hers was pulled back out of her face. She wore no makeup, naturally.

"Too much?" she looked at me confused. "I know it's a bit different than what I wear at school."

"Who gives a fuck." I murmured but she heard me anyways "You look amazing." I stood up and walked over to her "But, I don't know if I'm liking this whole matching thing." I noted the fact that we were both wearing button up shirts.

"Oh well." I shook my head "Let's go." I grabbed my jacket and my keys and headed downstairs.

When we got into the car, the windows were all rolled up and I was suddenly surrounded by her scent.

_Oh, shit she even smells delicious. Like those fucking berries. _

"Ready?" I put the keys in the ignition.

"Yes." She nodded.

Question was, was I ready?

_Only one way to find out. _

And with that, we drove off.

* * *

**Can I just say that Lucy is one complicated girl. She was having some fun there wasn't she? Don't worry, her little 'performance' will be brought up next Jasper? Well, he was just being Jasper...there's always more than meets the eyes isn't there?  
**

**Thoughts? Questions? I love them all....  
**


	11. Who I am Hates Who I've Been

**A/N: Thanks for the continued support as always. And thanks to my girls for helping me in my never ending search for lyrics for these chapters! You guys are the best!**

**I own nothing, Just Lucy. **

**

* * *

**_**Chapter 11: Who I am hates Who I've Been**_

_**You might think I'm losing my mind,  
But I will shy away from the specifics...  
'cause I don't want you to know where I am  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been.  
This is no place to try and live my life.**_

It was Saturday afternoon and yet, the streets were virtually empty as we drove through town. You'd think that these people would be used to the rain, especially with living here, that they wouldn't be afraid to venture out.

"Is it always this deserted on a Saturday afternoon?"

Lucy turned towards me slightly and shrugged with a confused look in her eyes. Almost as if she was thinking 'why the hell are you asking me for?' Of course, Lucy would never say something like that what so ever. She was a good girl after all and good girls didn't talk like that. I was partially surprised that with the time the two of us have spent together, she hasn't picked up on my cursing habits. I admit though, I think if I were ever to hear her talk like that, something tells me I'd find it incredibly attractive. Go fucking figure right?

Driving down the main street, I noticed that there wasn't much going on down here. We drove past Esme's flower shop which, until now, had no idea where it was. It was open and I could've been nice and went to visit her but that didn't happen and I kept on driving. Before I knew it, I found myself parking in front of a small group of shops towards the end of the street.

"Are we…buying books?" Lucy glanced around once we were out of the car. We had stopped in front of a tiny bookstore unbeknownst to me.

"No."

"Then where are we going."

"We're going to…" I looked around quickly, spotting something right away "we're going to get ice cream."

"Ice cream? Jasper, it's the middle of November and you want to eat something cold?"

"It's the best time to eat it now come on." She stood there for a second before catching up to walk along side me. "Now, please don't tell me that you dislike ice cream."

"Oh no" she shook her head as we entered the small shop "I love it. I actually love sweet things. I just you know, can't have a lot of them these days." She said the last part quietly, as if someone was listening in to our conversation.

_Oh, way to go you fool. Way to bring the fucking Diabetic to an ice cream shop.._

Shit. Oh, well it wasn't _that _bad was it? I was pretty sure that Lucy didn't sit around eating sugary things all the time anyways.

There were a few people in the shop. An elderly couple in the corner, two young girls talking a mile and a couple kids from our school. I felt Lucy's hesitation before we even approached the counter.

"Hey Lucinda." A male voice caused us both to snap our heads up towards the noise and we came face to face with one of the guys from school. His name was Mike or something. I had in a class or two and he was annoying as hell. That guy tried way to fucking hard to get the attention of girls who wanted nothing to do with him. He thought he was the shit, when in reality, he was just a normal high school student wanting desperately to fit in. "What brings you here?"

"To get ice cream?" she titled her head a bit and glanced over at me quickly.

"Yea because you know, it does say ice cream outside Newton." That was the fucker's name! I suddenly remembered. He was hardly paying attention to me though, his eyes were obviously fixated on Lucy. And what was worse was that she didn't even notice him doing it.

"So um, you two dating? I see you guys in the library sometimes."

"No." Lucy was quick to answer but I took a clear step towards her, debating whether or not to wrap an arm around her.

"But if you're being some sort of a stalker, then we're going to have a problem."

"What did you say to me?" he was shocked.

"Mike…can you go help those customers?" a girl appeared beside him, waving her hand to another couple at the other end "I'll help them." She smiled warmly at us and I swore she went to our school too I just couldn't think of her name. Reluctantly, Mike left us alone.

"Thanks Angela." Lucy sighed in relief. I glanced at the girl better this time. So _this _was Angela; the girl who had stepped forward saying that I hadn't started that fight in the cafeteria that day. She was a pretty girl with her long hair and glasses. She just looked like a good person.

"It's not a problem. Mike can be too much sometimes. Doesn't know what to mind his own business. Anyways, what can I get for you?"

I went first, ordering while Lucy scanned the different flavors. When she came back, she still looked a bit hesitant.

"Lucy, just order something."

"Oh, sorry. Um, can I…" she looked again "I want raspberry and chocolate." She nodded, clearly pleased with her choice "oh! And can I get some of those cherries on top?"

"Um, yea sure." Angela smiled, getting out orders before ringing us up. After I paid, we sat at one of the tables inside.

"You sure picked an odd ass combination of ice cream flavors."

She didn't respond, just nodded as she got the perfect balance of each flavor on her spoon before sticking it in her mouth. Don't ask me why but for the life of me, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she did it. The expression on her face was fucking priceless. Almost like she had just tasted the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Oh wow." She laughed lightly "I don't even remember when the last time was that I had chocolate." She sighed with such contentment you'd think that someone had just kissed her or given her a present. "And these cherries" she beamed "are amazing."

"You get excited over the simplest things don't you Lucy?" the question sounded more condescending than I actually meant for it to be. I actually enjoyed seeing her like this; it meant that things were okay, that she was in a good place.

"I just appreciate the small things." She shrugged. "Thanks by the way for this. I can't tell you the last time I went out for ice cream. Before I moved here probably was the last time. I think I went with…" her smiled suddenly turned into a frown "Well, never mind that. It's just been awhile."

No, like hell I was going to drop it. For a second, I saw the same look pass through Lucy's eyes that I saw in her mother's that day I met them. That look of longing and sadness.

"Can I ask you something Lucy?"

"Um, ok?"

"Remember that day I met your parents" she nodded "I noticed that day that your mom was staring at me funny. Almost as if I reminded her of someone."

"Oh, that's just mom."

"No, no it's not because I just saw the same damn look in your eyes Lucy. Now, we're friends right?"

"Yea."

"And friends are honest with one another right?"

"I suppose so."

"Then tell me Lucy. Tell me why you two get this sudden look of sadness and longing in your eyes when you talk."

She took another spoonful of the ice cream before setting it down on the table in front of her "Mom was probably looking at you that way because you no doubt reminded her of Carlos."

"Who?"

She took a deep breath, looked away from me for a second before coming back to me. Something she did when she was extremely nervous about something. "My brother." Her voice was barely above a whisper but I heard her quite clearly.

"Brother? Lucy, you have a brother and you haven't told me?"

"It uh, never came up?" she had her hands folded in her lap now but I could still hear that unmistaken snapping noise. I was suddenly wondering if the reason she hadn't mentioned him before was because something had happened to him. Oh shit, what if this guy was dead or something and that's why they looked and sounded so sad. I was already this far, might as well go all the way now.

"Is there a reason for that?"

"Carlos is a touchy subject for all of us. Well, more so for me actually. It was the hardest on me I think."

"What was?"

"His decision to stay behind when we moved. But, it's not like he could've come anyways…" she looked down at her hands.

"Why didn't he?"

"It's a long story Jasper and I don't really want to talk about it right now."

"You two are really close aren't you?"

Her lips curved up into the tiniest smile when I asked her so I knew I was right before she even answered.

"He's always been my protector I guess. He's a few years older than me but we've always been really close to one another. He's the only one who gets me and all my crazy fascinations. He also…" she paused "well, he's really the only one who knows how to deal with me."

"Deal with you?"

"You know, with all my anxieties and such?"

"Oh. Well that's good I guess. So, I'm taking it he's a bit of rebel or trouble maker?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Like I said, I saw the way your mom was looking at me. Like she was looking at me and seeing him. And I highly doubt it was my appearance that was similar to him so it had to be my attitude or some shit like that."

"Well, you two definitely talk very similar. Except you know, he speaks in Spanish a lot of the time. I guess my brother's a bit of a _caviloso _too. He's extremely protective of me. In fact, that's why he couldn't come with us."

"What?"

"Um, just forget that last part okay?"

"I'm not going to forget, but I won't press it."

"Is that it? Now you know that I have a brother…a brother that I love very much."

"I can tell Lucy that you care about him a lot. And if you don't want me to, I won't bring him up anymore I guess."

"Well now that you know about him, there's no sense in hiding the fact anymore. In fact, he threatened to come all the way up here to um…well, to beat you up."

"What the fuck? Why?" I didn't know him, why would he want to kick my ass.

"Remember my birthday, in front of my house?" I didn't need reminding, neither of us did. I nodded, she continued "Well, as soon as you left and I went inside, he called me and Carlos can always tell when there's something wrong with me so I told him. He right away went into protector mode and after he calmed me down, he told me he'd come. I just had to say the words…"

"Your brother would really come all the way up here for that?"

"Carlos acts first, thinks later." She shrugged. "Kind of like someone else I know."

She must've mistaken my silence as either fear or anger because she right away added "But, don't worry Jasper I would never ask Carlos to come do something like that. I don't want anyone getting hurt." the sincerity of her words caught me off guard for a second. Yes, she was talking to me but there was a hint of guilt in her voice when she said, as if she had blamed herself for something that had happened in her past. Who knows, maybe she did?

"Well, as much as I appreciate your reassurance" it was true, I did sort of enjoy the fact that she was actually concerned for my well being "but I'm pretty sure I could handle myself."

"Oh but you don't know Carlos." she shook her head "he can be very relentless when it comes to things."

"I'm pretty sure we won't have to worry about him coming any time soon now do we?"

"No, I guess you're right. Alright" she ate a bit more of her now melting ice cream before looking back at me "it's your turn now."

"My turn for what?"

"I told you something about me, now it's your turn to tell me something and answer one of my questions."

"Says who?"

"Me" she smiled "It's only fair Jasper."

_Girl has a point. How much are you going to tell her though? _

Well that depended all on the question obviously.

"Fine" I eventually gave in "Just one."

"Really?" she seemed surprised that I had actually agreed. "Ok, ok let me think of one." she thought for a couple seconds before speaking again "how did your…I mean Carlisle and your mother meet?"

Well, that certainly wasn't the question I thought she was going to ask me. At the same time however, it wasn't really one I felt like answering either. Again, Lucy was about to make me dig back into those memories that I didn't have any intention of visiting again. But, she had given me answers so it was only fair to give her the same courtesy I guess.

"They met when my mother was nineteen and Carlisle was already in his late twenties. He had, according to her, finished medical school and was doing his residency at one of the hospitals in Houston. My mom worked at a bookstore during that time and that's when they met. Apparently they both had a great love of books."

"In a bookstore? Oh, how romantic. I _love _reading and books…"

"Yea, yea. Well anyways, after that night, he kept coming back to the store everyday so that he could see her and eventually, he worked up enough courage to take her out on a date and after that? Well, they were inseparable for two years."

"Two years? Wow, that's a long time. They were…in love?"

"Mom always said Carlisle was the love of her life and that those two years with him were the happiest she had ever been."

"So what happened?"

"Story goes once he was done with the residency, he was offered the job here in Washington and he took it right away, not even considering my mother. They're plan was to make it a long distance relationship but, we all know that's just a bunch of bullshit." I reflected momentarily on my own relationship with Alice and how it had deteriorated once I moved here. I noticed the confused look on Lucy's face so I knew it was time to continue "but, the story doesn't end there."

"Oh?"

"For almost two years, my mother never heard from Carlisle. No phone calls, no letters. Nothing. And then one afternoon, he just suddenly popped up back in Texas at the bookstore mom still worked at. He had come for a two day conference and apparently, wanted to see if the spark and chemistry was still there between them."

"And, was it?"

"What do you think Lucy?" I gestured towards myself "Sometime during those two days, my mother became pregnant. But, here's the really fucked up part. Not only was Carlisle married when he knocked up my mom but he had a fucking a kid on the way as well."

"Oh my god, yes that would make sense. You and Edward are the same age. So, what happened? Did he just leave and never look back?"

"Basically. Oh, my mom was able to get a hold of him once she found out she was pregnant but Carlisle wanted nothing to do with her anymore. It wouldn't have looked good if the image of the new doctor and his blushing bride was shattered by some other woman. So, after I was born, she raised me on own without his help what's so ever. There was never any contact or visits from him. It was like to him, we didn't even exist. We were like this mistake he had mad. Maybe the fucker should've thought twice before he came back looking for my mom. He sought her not the other way around you know?"

"That just doesn't make sense Jasper. I mean, Dr. Cullen's such a nice man. I can't imagine him simply abandoning you and your mother."

"Are you saying my mother lied to me about everything?"

"No, no I promise." she frowned a bit "I just meant…well, I'm not sure what I meant. I'm sorry that you had to grow up without a father Jasper. That must've been extremely difficult for you."

_If she only knew that an absent father was the least of your problems…_

"I didn't tell you this to get sympathy from you Lucy. I told you because you wanted to know. Don't think I would've given this information out randomly."

"I get it. Well, thank you for telling me then."

"So we're even now? Your secret for mine?"

"Yes." she nodded "Sounds good to me. You know, I kind of like this."

"What?"

"This. You know, me and you just talking about anything and everything? It's very…I don't know, calming to me I guess."

"Good to know then. Now, what do you say we get out of here?"

"Sure. Actually, if you don't mind, there's someplace I'd like to show you if you don't mind?"

"Whatever." I gave her a shrug and stood up "not like I had any plans or anything."

Once in the car, she gave me a few directions leading back towards her house. We kept going past it though, about five or so minutes."

"Ok, right here."

"Lucy, there's nothing here but forest."

"I know. We're going to walk the rest of the way. Come on" she got out "it's not that far." she started walking, leaving me with no choice but to follow her. I caught up to her quickly, careful not to trip on anything. She maneuvered her way quickly through the branches and other greenery with ease.

"How can you manage to walk all this and yet you almost tripped on your own staircase?"

"I told you, it was dark. I'm not normally that ungraceful in case you haven't noticed." she was a few feet in front of me, allowing me to watch her.

"Oh well I've definitely noticed" I muttered under my breath, low enough where she couldn't hear me.

_Oh, now where the hell did that come from my friend? _

"Shut it" I shook my head, not having the time to deal with my inner conscious right now. This time though, Lucy heard me and she stopped to look at me, her eye brow raised a fraction.

"It's nothing." I assured her.

"I think out loud all the time so it's okay Jasper. You don't have to be embarrassed."

"I'm not embarrassed" I scoffed at her. She was really something this girl.

"Well, we're here." she stopped and I finally took the time to look around. We were out of all the trees and in a bit of a clearing. Even for someone like me who wasn't into all this nature shit, it was actually something beautiful. What drew me in though was the river that was no more than twenty feet in front of us.

"Come Jasper" she waved me over, slipping off her shoes, rolling up her jeans a bit before sticking her feet in what appeared to be freezing cold water.

"Aren't you cold?" I sat beside her but stayed away from the water. I wasn't stupid.

"No, not really. I used to come out here a lot. My parents don't really let me so much anymore."

"Why not? It's not like you're five years old."

"Yea, well tell that to them. No, but I was always getting sick all the time when I could come out here. And my parents wouldn't let me miss any school. So, yea…"

"I see." I glanced out across the water and there was actually something peaceful about it.

"Hey Jasper?"

"What?"

"If I jumped in, would you come in after me?"

"What the fuck? No."

Her face fell suddenly as if I had just told her something terrible "Why not?"

"I don't know how to swim for one and why would you jump in, that water has to be freezing."

"I can't swim either."

"Well then what the hell would you be jumping in there for?"

"Oh come on" she stood quickly, her fingers lingering on her shirt before quickly undoing them, leaving her in just the shirt underneath "it can't be _that _bad can it?" before I could respond, she got back down and slid back into the water. Her eyes widened a bit at the initial contact but soon enough, she just started floating there, her hands moving around the water with ease. For a second, it look like she was going to try and splash water at me. If she did, there'd be hell to pay. Not seriously of course but I knew myself; I'd be pissed.

I was about to tell her that she was being really stupid when her entire body tensed up when a strong wave of water hit her. She let out a loud scream and it made me wince a little bit. She was still close enough to the edge so I was easily able to lean over and take one of her arms and pulled her up and out of there.

"What the hell were you thinking? Are you crazy?" I raised my voice at her and instantly regretted my choice of words. But, it was too late. It had already begun. The light in Lucy's blue eyes quickly disappeared and was replaced with those pale blues full of pain and anger.

I didn't have time to apologize before she came over and tried to hit my face and my chest with her fists. I dodged most of them but she was able to get a few good hits here and there. For such a tiny person, she packed a surprisingly mean punch when the time called for it.

"You.." she continued hitting me "God, you asshole!" she hit me one more time before dropping to the ground in a rather dramatic fashion.

If this had been under any other circumstance, I would've been laughing at her. I had just caused the pastor's daughter to swear and then she proceeded to drop to the ground. It would be funny…if I didn't know that this was all real.

"Lucinda." I whispered her name.

"No, no." she rocked herself back and forth.

"Lucinda please…" shit, I had majorly screwed up.

"I'm not crazy!" she burst into tears "I swear, I never meant for it to happen…it was all my fault…I should've never…oh, god…no, no please don't tell them…" she wrapped her arms tighter around her tiny frame as the cries and screams intensified.

"Lucinda what are you talking about?" I grabbed her by her elbow and stood her up so she I could see her better. "Please, look at me." I gently grabbed her face with my other hand and lifted her chin slowly.

"Don't!" she gasped, shaking away from me "Don't touch me!" She backed up a few feet and started pacing back and forth, mumbling things to herself, her hand fervently snapping that damn rubber band against her wrist.

I stood there and watched her, not knowing how I was supposed to go about this.

During the other times when I had seen her get like this, it would take a matter of minutes for her to calm down and return back to a calm state. But, this time was different. It was worse than all the other times. Usually with a calm touch, she would stop and she'd come back to me. But, it was like I didn't even exist right now.

When I touched her she screamed in terror. She was _afraid _of me.

This didn't make sense. There was no reason for her to be scared of me. I have never done anything to make her feel…

"Oh God Lucinda." I ran my hands through my hair as she continued to pace. "What the fuck happened to you?" When I asked her, she actually stopped and looked at me.

"No, no…" she pointed her finger at me, looking past me. She looked like she was about to make a run for it. "I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work…no!" she attempted to run past me but I easily caught her by the waist and held her in place.

"Get away from me!" she fought against my grasp. "Please! I Swear…I'm not sick!!" she cried harder. "You don't understand! I tried so hard...he wouldn't listen to me! I just wanted him to be safe!!"

She was completely falling further and further into what could be that dark place of hers she feared so much.

I grabbed her then and tightly pulled her body against mine. She was trembling from head to toe and I knew if she didn't calm down she was going to end up passing out. I needed to bring her back to me, and fast.

"Lucinda, you need to calm down, now." my voice was by no means gentle but I knew gentle wouldn't work now. She was too far gone.

Her hands tightly grabbed a fistful of my shirt and she looked up at me, tears still streaming down her face.

"I'm not sick Jasper…" her voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper. "I just...this is all my fault. That's why we had to move, that's why Carlos couldn't come...it's all because of me. Please.."

She was making absolutely no sense what so ever. What was she asking please for? And what the hell had really happened before she came here? She said she wasn't sick, something I hadn't even said. However, as I stared into her eyes, I knew that I should call her out on it. It would be the right thing to do. But, at the last minute, I couldn't do it. I was afraid it was only going to make things harder on her.

_More like you chickened out...coward. _

"I know Lucy." I leaned down a bit so that we were eye level. Her eyes were returning back to normal "I know." I wiped some of her tears away and pushed back some of her matted hair.

"I want to go home." her voice was small, cold as she suddenly pulled away from me, grabbing her shirt and shoes in her hands and putting them back on.

"Ok, let's get you home." I attempted to draped an arm around her shoulder lightly so that she wouldn't fall or anything but she wouldn't let me near her.

"Please, don't." she whispered.

But, as we were driving to her home, I watched and kept a watch on Lucy from the corner of my eye. I knew that things were anything but fine.

It was like something in her snapped. She too quickly went to that dark place and it took too long for her to return to normal.

And as she sat there, staring out the window, her hands fidgeting in her lap, I knew that there was something really wrong.

Lucy. Lucinda. Whichever name I referred to her as, I knew at that very moment that she _was _sick. Sick with what? I had no fucking clue but things just weren't adding up here.

Something had happened to her. There were things she had left out when she told me about her brother. Things that were clearly too painful for her to talk about. But, I knew that her past and her brother were the key. They were the key as to why she was like this. How exactly was she?

One more glance at her dishelved appearance and I was actually beginning to wonder just what in hell was going on here?

There was more to all of this.

However, it would seem that like myself, she had been trying to bury whatever painful memories she had as well.

I had know though; I had to know what happened. Something inside of me had wanted nothing to break down when I saw her like that. I would never openly admit that to her but that wasn't going to stop me from trying to figure it out.

* * *

**So the plot thickens. Had some pretty important aspects of their pasts come to light. Can I just say, it was nice to make Carlisle...imperfect for once.  
**

**More importantly, we had Lucy completely freaking out....and poor Jasper, now he's more confused about this girl than he already was. Do you think he's going to figure it out?  
**

**reviews are love. **


	12. By Myself

**_A/N:_ Wow, you guys...this is probably the longest chapter I have written thus far, I think. Funny, since I had no idea where this chapter was going to go. Enjoy!**

**As usual, I own nothing; Just Lucy.

* * *

  
**

**Chapter 12: By Myself**

**What do I do to ignore them behind me?  
Do I follow my instincts blindly?  
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?  
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?  
Do I sit here and try to stand it?  
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?  
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,  
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?  
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin  
I make the right moves but I'm lost within  
I put on my daily facade but then  
I just end up getting hurt again  
By myself **

**Lucy**

It had been two weeks since that night Jasper stayed over at my house. Two weeks since he _slept _in my bed. What I was thinking asking to him stay over was beyond me but what got me even more was that when I woke up in the middle of the night, rain still hitting my window with the power out, I didn't think twice before I went to take a shower. Ever since I was younger, it's something I've always done when the power's out. Something about being in the dark with just some candles is very soothing to me.

Personally, I don't know if Jasper saw me or not that night. Singing and dancing have always been loves of mine and that night, I was completely lost and caught up in the song I was listening to. So much so that I even sang to him! Everything that was screaming at me to stop was pushed aside for once when I just let go for a few moment. God, I even kissed him! Okay, so it wasn't a real kiss or anything but still. And let me say, he smelt amazing and I wanted nothing more than to just have him wrap my arms around me and hold me close to him.

Of course, my conscious state would never let that happen but, my unconscious state was all for it because I ended up doing it anyways. And call me crazy, but I swear I felt his hand against me, tracing little patterns on the scar on my back. One simple little touch but it felt so secure, so welcoming that I just let him do it (either in my fantasy world or in reality).

But, that's neither here nor there. Nothing has changed between the two of us. He stayed with me, maybe he saw me dancing in my bathroom and he still doesn't treat me any different.

_Lucinda, why do you keep lying to yourself? You know very well that things have changed between the two of you. While he may still treat you the same after you basically inviting him to stay with you, you know for a fact that things are different after that little episode by the river._

Oh, god. I did _not _want to be thinking about that right now. No one in a long time has seen me like that; not during one of my bad moments. Normally, I was pretty good at playing the part with everyone, never letting anyone see how I can get. I don't understand what happens when I get like that. It's like I'm not even me or even present for that matter because when it's all said in done, I vaguely remember any of it.

As much as I'd like to believe things haven't changed, something _has _in fact changed. Things as of lately have been a bit shall we say awkward between Jasper and I. Sure, we still spend lunch together, have our class and of course, he still takes me home. But, something in the way he looks at me is different. Oh sure, I don't say anything about it and it isn't anything major but I can tell that he thinks that there's something a bit off about me now? I mean, if one of your friends jumped into a freezing river, screamed and then attacked him, wouldn't you think there was something wrong too?

Granted, there isn't really anything wrong with me. I'm not sick or anything. It was just an off moment if you will. Still, that hasn't stopped him from looking at me as if I'm going to snap at him any second.

Whatever the case, things have been alright for the past two weeks and now here we were, the day before Thanksgiving break. Today our art project was also due. Carrying it downstairs, I saw my parents sitting in the living room, talking to one another quickly and in Spanish; never a good sign if you ask me.

"Lucinda, come." My dad waved me over with his hand, his voice calm but firm. His tone never wavered when it came to me. I've never been a daddy's girl. He always treated me and the Carlos the same according to him. Though, I was the one who was never able to be with her friends after school or wear certain things. Then again, to have your dad be both _Latino _and a pastor, I was pretty much doomed from the start.

"What's going on?" usually by this time, dad was already gone, off to the church.

"There's been a change of plans" he began and my heart immediately dropped. I knew what he was going to say next before he said it.

"We're not going home are we?" I knew it! This always happened.

"This is home now Lucinda" my mother came up beside me, offering me a smile. It didn't work. We may have lived here for a few years but it wasn't my home; not by a long shot.

"Why aren't we going now?"

"_Lucinda_" my father's accent was more apparent than normal, an indication that he didn't approve of something I had done "Your mother and I, along with some other people are going to be traveling this holiday, visiting those less fortunate to give them an opportunity to have a proper Thanksgiving."

"You're just going to leave me here? Can't I just go by myself back home?

"Absolutely not young lady" dad glanced at me, well more of a warning glance "you are to stay here, where you'll be safe."

Safe! Was he really serious? This man, I didn't know about him sometimes; so infuriating.

"So I'm just going to sit here…" I stopped, knowing this would get me no where. "Fine." I gave in, that's what they expected from me, sweet Lucinda to just agree with them then so be it, I didn't have the energy to even attempt to argue with them.

"_Bien" _my father stood, a clear indication that this conversation was over "your mother and I are leaving this afternoon so we'll be gone by the time you get out of school but, there's money and food here so you'll be fine _mija_." he quickly kissed my forehead before heading out. Over the past few years, my father's affection had become less and less, a bit awkward if you ask me, like he didn't know what to do. But, I guess it's that way with most dads. Right?

"Well come on Lucinda, we don't want you to be late to school." we headed out of the house a few minutes after dad. No sooner did we lock the door and turn did that all familiar dark blue corvette pull up along side the house. My mother glanced at me quickly and to the car again. I just shrugged, I had no idea what was going on. Guess I was about to find out.

Jasper got out of his car and began walking towards the two of us, a peculiar look on his face. He looked well, he looked a bit lost; like he didn't really know what he was doing here.

"Hey Lucy, Mrs. Ramirez." he acknowledged my mother, stuffing his hands inside his pockets "I came to take Lucy to school." a small part of me loved the fact that he just showed up and said he was going to do something without asking permission. It was that small part that envied him. That he could be so…demanding and no one said anything about it. However, I knew that somewhere underneath that demeanor, he did care. At least, I think he did.

"Oh, well alright then. Lucinda?" my mother turned towards me, giving me a quick lecture in Spanish about the importance of being 'safe' and what not. Thank god Jasper didn't understand or I would've been mortified. He didn't see me like that. He wasn't my friend so he'd have a chance at sleeping with me. Cocky and arrogant as he may seem, he would never treat me that way. Again, that was all assumptions but I was pretty confident. A quick hug and she was gone.

"Why are you here?"

He shrugged, grabbing the canvas from me "Because I fucking felt like it. Come on" he turned, walking to his car, me following quietly behind him.

The ride to school was, of course, silent. Which I was semi grateful for. Talking would mean my current emotions would show. As much as I'd hate to admit it, Jasper was becoming like Carlos in the sense that he could just tell if something was bothering me or not. I didn't really feel like explaining it to him right now. Though, I'm sure he'd find out by Lunch or class.

Getting to school there was thankfully no time for small talk so I dropped our project off in the art room before heading to class.

By lunch though, the realization of not going back home was hitting me hard and it was written all over my face.

"Tell me." was the first thing Jasper said when he sat across from me in the library

"There's nothing…"

"Bullshit" he cut me off "something's bothering you. So you can tell me now or you can tell me in class."

"You're much more…moody today." I took in his appearance for the first time today and noticed that his hair was a bit more disheveled than usual and he seemed somewhat antsy.

Confusion graced his features for a second before disappearing "quit changing the subject. Spill."

And so I told him quickly what had happened this morning.

"Oh, well that sucks." his tone was flat, emotionless.

What? He made such a big deal about me telling him and that's all he was going to say? That it sucked? Well I didn't need him to tell me that. I knew it did.

"Yea, it does…but, oh well I'll just have to deal with it. What about you? Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?"

"I'm sure Esme will want us to have dinner as a family. I could care less. I'm not into all this holiday shit."

The next question came out before I could filter it "Is it because it's the first one without your mom."

He scoffed "no."

"What?" I thought back quickly. He said his mother had died last year. When last year I didn't know but, that would make sense as to why he was acting this way.

"Nothing" he shook his head "just pretend I didn't say anything."

Well, pretending was something I was really good at. So was he apparently. I mean, not once since that incident by the river have we talked about it. I had gotten good at acting like something had happened. So was Jasper I guess. Either that or he really didn't care.

Lunch passed and then finally art rolled around. Quite frankly, I was ready to leave. And by the look on Jasper's face, so was he. He looked so upset about something. Not so much sad but angry almost. I wanted nothing more than to help him but I didn't know how to. Besides, I doubt he'd want me to help him. Why would he? We had this unspoken rule of not pressing the other for information so unless he told me himself, I had to abide by it.

On the plus side, the teacher loved our project. She couldn't say enough good things about it. But, not even praise over our art project seemed to do anything for either us. We just sat there, in silence not saying much.

When the bell rang, the two of us were the first to be up and out of the classroom. Clearly, we wanted to leave school and get back to wherever it was we wanted to go to.

I was both relieved and anxious by the time I got back home. Relieved to not have to put on this front any longer of being calm when everything was eating me up on the inside but anxious because I didn't really like being alone.

"I hope that you have a good break Jasper."

His quick nod and a mumbled "you too" told me he wasn't all there. He was elsewhere. Silently I watched him as he drove away, a dull pang of sympathy pulling at my mind and heart for him.

_Get over it Lucinda, stop getting so attached to that boy…he'll bring you nothing but heart ache. _

Heartache? I didn't think so. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. Something was off today. And, being the quiet nervous girl I am, I didn't have the courage to ask him more. Asking more though might've been out of the question. He'd never allow it.

Just another thing I had to deal with.

**Jasper**

I fucking hated this time of year. All this holiday shit was getting on my last nerves. I left the house earlier than normal this morning because I didn't want to hear Carlisle talking about his holiday plans. So, I drove off, not even realizing where I was going until I ended up in front of Lucy's house. Why there? Who knows. All I know is the more time I spend with that girl, the more she is becoming like a comfort zone. I don't have to worry so much when I'm with her. Well, I still worry that she's going to fucking flip on me again but maybe that was just a one time thing and I'm not going to press her for an explanation. Though, I'm still wondering what the hell that was.

When I picked her up, I knew there was something up with her; I could see it in her eyes. When she told me, my first thought was how fucked up her parents were. To leave their daughter here alone, that seemed like a pretty shady thing for them to do. Then again, Lucy and her family didn't make much sense to me sometimes.

School was over now and we had the next two days off. I honestly just wanted to stay away from everyone for those two days but, I knew Esme wouldn't let that shit slide. And frankly, I wasn't about to hurt her feelings because I was incapable of wanting to be a part of this family. While I wouldn't pretend to get along with Carlisle and Edward, I knew I couldn't act like a complete ass with them either. It was a fucking lose-lose situation either way.

Pulling into the driveway, I saw that Esme had just arrived there as well. She was unloading a shit load of bags from the car. When she saw me, she gave me her signature smile and waved cheerfully at me. I swear, it was like that woman was on some sort of twenty four hour happy pill or something. She was constantly happy, always trying to make everyone else happy too.

"Jasper honey, can you help me please?"

I gave her a nod, knowing it wasn't good enough for her but she took it.

"Jesus Esme, how many people are you cooking for?" I glanced at all the bags we had just brought in as we stood around in the kitchen.

"I live with three men, and you all eat a lot dear." She laughed warmly "besides, this is your first Thanksgiving with us and I want to make sure you enjoy it."

"You really don't have to go through so much trouble for me."

"Nonsense Jasper." She waved away my comment "whether you agree or not, _I _see you as part of this family."

Well shit, what was I supposed to say to that? Since I've been here, Esme has been nothing but nice to me. She welcomed me as if I was her long lost son or something versus the result of some fling her husband had. She was probably the friendliest person I had ever fucking met.

And I had to admit, she was the one person who I didn't hate here. No I take that back, there _was _someone else here that I couldn't find it in me to hate.

_Lucy._

Shit, just thinking about her and that sad look on her face was enough to make me pissed. Pissed off at what though? Her parents for deciding to leave her at the last minute or just the fact that she was going to be alone tomorrow? Granted, I have never been one for holidays and shit but, no one really deserved to be alone on days like these; especially _her._

"Jasper, sweetie what's wrong? You seem upset about something?" Esme's own smile was gone but the compassion still shone through her eyes as she waited for me to answer her. I thought about lying but that wouldn't get me anywhere with her, I would just feel like a complete asshole the rest of the day.

"It's just…well…fuck." Why was I suddenly incapable of forming a sentence?

"This is about Lucy isn't it?" the smile slightly returned.

"How did you…what?"

"Honey, I know you and I don't talk a whole lot but, I've seen that she isn't just some girl. She's rather important to you isn't she?"

"She's my friend Esme, nothing more."

"Either way, she's important?"

"Well, yes I guess you can say that."

"So, tell me what happened?"

"Nothing happened. Well, I mean, I was just thinking about how fucked up her parents are."

"Oh dear" she frowned

"Her parents are leaving today, to go off somewhere. And, she was pretty upset because she was supposed to go back home for break and now she isn't."

"Is she going to be _alone_?" the way she said alone made it seem horrible. "Oh, that poor girl. No one should be alone on the holidays." She shook her head, and it looked like she was thinking of something.

"Well, we'll have to do something about it won't we?"

"Uh, we do?"

"You're going to invite her to dinner tomorrow." it wasn't a question, she had already made up her mind.

Yea, right. There was no way in hell Lucy would go for that.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Are you telling me that you'd rather have that poor girl, you're friend, be all alone on Thanksgiving?"

"Well fuck Esme, when you put it that way."

"Then it's settled" she smiled "Bring her over tomorrow, I'm sure she'll enjoy being with other people."

"And if she says no?"

"She won't."

"How do you…"

"Just, believe me Jasper, I know" her smile turned a bit sly before turning to unpack all the groceries. It made me think of that first day of school when she was more than thrilled of me meeting Lucy. Honestly, I think that Esme still thought that Lucy and I should get together. I just couldn't break it to her that it probably would never happen. I also couldn't bring myself to tell her no either. If she wanted me to invite Lucy then shit, I guess I was going to have to suck it up and do it.

Lucy was more than surprised when I called her, telling her that I'd be picking her up tomorrow for dinner with the Cullens.

"I don't think I should Jasper. I mean" her voice lowered "well, you know…"

"Lucy, I really don't feel like telling Esme that you refused to come tomorrow. It would break her heart." that wasn't a lie, she would be practically devastated if Lucy didn't come. "besides, _I _would like it if you came too."

She fell silent for a moment "you would?"

"Yea, dealing with all these people on my own isn't my idea of a good time. If you're here though, it won't be so bad I guess."

"Oh, well if you put it that way I guess I can make an exception" she sighed dramatically. Real or fake I didn't know but at least she had said she's come over.

"Good, I'll see you at five." with that, I hung up the phone, slightly pleased that Lucy had agreed. Well, more like I had guilt tripped her into coming.

The following day arrived, too early for my taste. Esme was up early, getting a start on all her cooking. Carlisle had gone in early as well to work a few hours at the hospital. Edward, the lazy ass, was still asleep at noon instead of offering to help his mother. She of course told me no when I asked her but I at least had the decency to ask.

The closer it got to five, I decided it was best to get dressed and go get Lucy. Growing up, holidays weren't that big of a deal so I wasn't exactly sure what to wear. When Edward left to pick up his girlfriend, he was wearing jeans so I figured this wasn't a formal affair. Esme of course looked very motherly and sophisticated while Carlisle looked like his usual self. So, jeans and black button up shirt seemed to be appropriate I guess.

Getting to Lucy's house I thought about just honking for her but, that seemed like a jackass move and that wasn't my style. So, I got out, went to her door and knocked on it.

I waited a whole ten seconds in front of her door before she swung it open quickly, revealing a very nervous Lucy staring back at me.

"What's wrong with you?" I slightly teased her, enough so she would know I didn't really mean it.

"Do I look okay?" she clasped her hands in front of her and awaited my answer "I wasn't sure what I was supposed to wear. I spent the past two hours trying to come up with…"

"Well, how about you be quiet and let me look." I cut her off and her mouth closed quickly as she watched me. "you look fine Lucy." shit, she looked more than fine though. That and she smelled like those berries again; fucking intoxicating if you ask me.

"Oh okay good" she sighed in relief "let's go then" she grabbed her things, closing the door behind her.

Driving to the house, I wondered how Lucy would react this time. The first time, I had tried to kiss her, her claiming that I was being nice to take advantage of her. The second time, she flipped, accusing me of bringing here there so that Carlisle could evaluate her physical and mental state. Though, whether she knew it or not, there _was _something going on in that head of hers.

We got to the house at the same time that Edward and his new girlfriend pulled up. Getting out of the car and standing in the driveway was extremely awkward. It was obvious that there was this animosity between Edward and I.

"It's nice to see you out of the library Lucinda." Edward, of course, broke the silence with a comment like that. "what brings you here? With Jasper no less."

I glanced at her, telling her silently that she didn't have to answer any of his questions.

"Um, your mother invited me." it was clear that Lucy wasn't comfortable at all around Edward. I wouldn't be either if I were her.

"She did?" confusion crossed both his and his girlfriend's face. Clearly, _she _hadn't been invited, Edward just brought her.

"Yea, she did so stop asking so many questions Edward." I walked towards the house, Lucy falling in step beside me.

"What was that all about?" she whispered as we walked inside.

"He's just jealous of you."

"Of me?" she seemed shocked "why me?"

"Well you could ask him but I'm pretty sure it's because Esme invited one of _my _friends and not his girlfriend."

"That girl's so nice though, why is she dating your brother?"

Before I could answer that question we were joined by my brother, his girlfriend and Esme.

"Oh Edward, I see you brought Bella with you." Esme's smile was still in place as she hugged the girl who rambled on about having baked a pie but wasn't sure if it'd taste good. No one even said anything to her and she was suddenly blushing deeply. Esme, the ever cordial host, accepted it and thanked her.

"Lucy, oh sweetie you came. I'm so glad." Esme wrapped her arms lovingly around Lucy and, to my surprise, Lucy hugged her back lightly. Which, that was a good sign already.

"Thank you for inviting me Mrs. Cullen. Do you need any help?" Lucy was quick to offer.

"Oh, no sweetheart you just sit back and relax."

"No, no" Lucy shook her head "I don't mind. Besides, I love to cook." there was a small light that flashed in her eyes.

"Alright honey, well come on to the kitchen" Esme started walking back towards the kitchen.

"I'll help too!" that Bella girl added too, quickly walking towards the kitchen.

"Esme is so nice" Lucy mused, sliding off the sweater she was wearing, revealing a purple top that showed off more skin than I was used to seeing. The front of it dipped a bit lower than her usual attire as well, but still in a modest fashion. Not like some other girls who wore too little and flaunted themselves to anyone willing to look.

I don't think anyone noticed but I could tell that she was extremely nervous being here, dressed as she was with people she didn't really know besides me. She placed the sweater over the back of the couch before making her way to the kitchen.

Watching her, I was vaguely aware that my brother was still standing there beside me until I heard a bit of a smirk coming from him. Turning to face him, I saw that his eyes were very indiscreetly staring at Lucy, watching her every moment before turning to me, looking like something had just clicked in his mind.

"Shit Jasper, way to go man, hitting the minister's daughter for your rebound fuck. I never thought you'd get involved with someone like _her_" that stupid ass smile crossed his face as he continued to look at her " but damn, who knew that girl had such a fine ass."

"Listen asshole" I stepped closer to him "why don't you keep your eyes to your fucking self."

"What? Am I not allowed to appreciate…" he trailed off, his eyes drifting back towards her one more time "is that why you didn't come home that night? I bet under that shy, good girl act she's a real…"

A sudden swell of possessives began to course throughout my system and before I knew it, I grabbed him by his shirt and had that fucker pinned against the wall. His cocky smile quickly faded when he saw the look of utter hatred in my eyes.

"If I so much as catch you staring at her like that again, there's going to be to hell to pay" the tone in my voice could only be described as icy and feral. The need to protect Lucy from idiots like Edward became more vital with each passing second. "And If you _ever _talk about her like that again, I swear to fucking God I'll kill you."

The look in his eyes gave him away. He knew I was being serious with him. I was a few inches taller than him and was clearly stronger than he was that trying to fight me off or try something would be useless.

"Alright man" he held up his hands "she's all yours."

"No she isn't" I gripped him tighter " but that girl is the only person worth knowing in this shitty town and I'm not going to stand around and let you talk about her like that. Not if I have anything to do with it."

Edward had no time to respond before I felt a strong hand on my shoulder, pulling me back away from him.

"What's going on you two?" Carlisle looked between the two of us, waiting for someone to start talking.

"Jasper and I just had a misunderstanding dad. That's all."

"Is that true?" he turned towards me, seeing if I'd agree.

"Misunderstanding my ass. I meant what I said Edward. Just because your dad showed up doesn't mean shit." a look of disappointment crossed Carlisle's face at hearing me say _your _father versus _our _father. But I was too pissed to even think about that right now.

I peered into the kitchen, relieved to see that Lucy hadn't heard anything that had just happened. She was actually talking with Esme as they cooked.

Twenty minutes later, we were all sitting around the table, Bella and Edward on one side and me and Lucy across from them.

Dinner wasn't as completely disastrous as I thought it would be but, it was by no means normal. If anything, Esme was the only normal one at that table. There was that awkward, meaningless chatting from time to time between everyone. However, things changed around halfway through dinner and suddenly, all attention was on Lucy.

"So Lucy honey, where did you live before moving to Washington?"

The look that crossed Lucy's face could only be described as surprised. It was apparent that no one ever really asked her a lot of things.

"I used to live in L.A. before we moved here."

"What prompted your family to move here dear?" Carlisle joined the conversation.

"It was my dad's decisions mostly" she shrugged, a look of longing in her eyes "but, he wanted to give us a better life; away from all the violence that we saw everyday?"

"Violence? As in what, gangs? Shit Lucy, who knew you were so hardcore." Edward's comment immediately rubbed Lucy the wrong way because she immediately narrowed her eyes at my brother and tensed up slightly.

"Can you please not talk about things like that?" her voice was small, weak "you don't know what it's like there." she looked like she wanted to cry, almost like it hurt her to even think about it.

Oh that stupid fucker. I swear, he can never keep his mouth shut. Did he apologize? Not a chance. Thankfully, Esme changed the topic and she somehow got Lucy talking about her love of art which, was a relief; I didn't want her getting upset on the account of my brother. The look of sadness, however momentarily, was gone while Lucy and Esme talked. And, as strange as it sounded, if she was calm, then it made things a bit easier on me. It allowed me not to think of all the shit that had gone done in my life and how much I really fucking hated this time of year.

By the time we were eating desert, I was completely consumed by my thoughts, barely aware of the conversations around me. For some reason, all I could think about the girl sitting next to me and how, even though she wasn't saying a single word to me personally, she had someone calmed me down. How the fuck did that happen? I had no idea. All I knew is that by myself, this dinner would've been unbearable. With Lucy sitting next to me though, it was. Though not by any means enjoyable at least I got through it.

When it was time for me to take Lucy back home, Esme made sure to give her enough food to last a week. But, neither of us had the heart to tell her that Lucy didn't eat all that much. She just accepted it gracefully, and again thanking her profusely.

"I had a good time today Jasper. Thank you so much."

"Don't thank me" I shrugged once we got to her house "it was Esme's idea remember?"

Shit! What was the matter with me? Why was it so hard to tell her that I was extremely relieved that she had come and just, sat by me why I had to endure a traditional dinner with those people?

_You know exactly why Jasper. You admit that to her, you'll show her that your feeling for her are deeper than she thinks. You care about her…more than you even know._

"Well either way _caviloso" _she sighed "thank you." she always sounded so sincere when she said those two words.

_Not everyone is like you my friend. This girl clearly appreciated what you did for her. _

"I'll see you on Monday" she realized the conversation was over as she got out of the car "bye Jasper, I'm glad to see you're feeling better by the way." she quickly turned and walked away towards her house, not giving me a chance to question her.

Had I really been that transparent for Lucy to see right through me? Was she actually able to tell that something was bothering me? More than that, she actually cared?

_She cares about you, you idiot. And the more time you spend with her rather than by yourself….she's going to notice things. Just how you notice things with her, she's noticing them with you too. You're getting in too deep my friend…you know what'll happen…_

"Oh, fuck" I said to myself in car. Was this really happening? Was I actually allowing someone to see more than what I normally showed? Why now and why her?

Shit, with each passing day that I knew Lucy, I was beginning to see that one, I wasn't by myself anymore and two, it was _her _who was getting inside my head and she probably had no fucking idea.

This was just perfect.

* * *

**Can I just say, it's so fun getting inside Jasper's head, always so much complications with him and Lucy, I love it.  
**

**And how hott was an angry, possessive Jasper? Can't help it, I love to hate Edward sometimes! **

**Reviews are love as usual! Title song for this chapter came from Linkin Park...they're amazing and one of my favorites!  
**


	13. Again I Go Unnoticed

**A/N: Again, thanks so much for the constant support for this story, it really keeps me going...til four in the morning! As always, thanks to my girls for helping me, I don't know what I'd do without you!!**

**As usual, I own nothing; Just Lucy. **

**

* * *

****Chapter 13: Again I go unnoticed**

**I'll wait until tomorrow  
maybe you'll feel better then  
maybe we'll be better then  
so what's another day  
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts  
of going on without you  
this mood of yours is temporary  
it seems worth the wait  
to see your smile again  
out of the corner of my eye**

The end of the first semester was quickly approaching. Today was Friday, and next week we would have finals before having almost three weeks off for Christmas break. Everyone around this school was just jumping for joy. I didn't know what they were so fucking happy about though. Unless they were going on vacation, why on earth why would they want to be off for three weeks in this small town where there wasn't much to do? I know I wasn't looking forward to it at all. In fact, I was dreading it. Being cooped up with Edward wasn't my idea of a good time. I just hoped he'd spend his time at the girlfriend's house.

Ever since Thanksgiving, Edward has wisely been avoiding me. He only speaks to me when it's absolutely necessary. Being as I don't depend on him for a ride anymore or have any classes with him, there is really nothing for us to talk about or spend time with one another. Which, that works fine with me. The less time with him, the better. After what he said about Lucy, I have just lost all respect for him. She's my friend and I wasn't about to stand around while he talked about her like that. No, no fucking way. Besides that, what he said was utter bullshit. I wasn't using her as a rebound or anything else of the sort.

Thankfully, Lucy hasn't been acting strange since she came to the house for Thanksgiving.

Meeting her in the library today though, I knew something was up. Though, she didn't look upset or anything. No, it looked like she was nervous. Her eyes stayed glued to the book she was reading when I came and sat across from her.

"What's up with you?" I threw my shit on the table, looking at her.

"It's nothing." it was obvious she was lying.

"Yea, right. I know you well enough now Lucy to know when you want to say something. So, go ahead, just say it."

"Are you busy tonight?" she asked quickly, cautiously looking up to meet my gaze. I just rolled my eyes at her. She was too much sometimes.

"Well that depends" I leaned back in chair "You have something in mind?"

"Well, are you busy?" she repeated.

"Maybe, maybe not. Depends on what you're offering me."

She just dismissed my open flirting with her. The only girl in this fucking school who wasn't completely floored when I even so much as showed a fraction of interest.

One of the many things I appreciated about Lucy. She didn't let shit slide; rather she just brushed off my arrogant demeanor.

"Well, are you going to ask me or are going to have to play twenty questions?" I asked, getting a bit irritated with her; I couldn't help it.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go with me someplace tonight?"

"Well that's really specific now isn't it? Jesus Lucy, want to give me a bit more of a hint than just 'someplace'?"

"You want to go to this Christmas concert with me?" she leaned back a bit as if I was going to reach over and take her head off for even asking me.

I quirked an eyebrow at her and stared at her for a few seconds. She wasn't fucking serious was she? But, the look on her face indicated that she was very serious about this.

Before I could open my mouth, the bell rang and she practically jumped out of her seat, much like the first few days of school.

"It's okay Jasper. You don't have to go. I know it's probably not something you're in to. I just thought we could go together. But, I see it's probably not your idea of fun." And with that, she was off to her class, leaving me feeling like the biggest insensitive jerk who ever lived.

The next fifty minutes were spent in a complete haze. I had no idea what the teacher talked about or if he even assigned us any homework. None of mattered at the moment because Lucy, the only true friend I had in this hell hole, was now probably mad at me.

And that shit didn't sit well with me. Luckily and unfortunately for me, I knew I was going to have to face Lucy in our next class. And, dare I say it, would I have to just suck it up and apologize to her?

When I reached the art room, she was already there like always.

_Oh, shit. _

As I came to table, I noticed that her hair was no longer up but rather it was loose and hanging everywhere. I sat down next to her silently and looked around. We had five minutes before class started and our teacher was usually a bit late. So, that gave me exactly seven minutes to make things right with her.

"You know Lucinda" I moved a few strands of her hair out of the way so I could get a better glance at her face and those eyes. "You're not really mad at me are you?"

She didn't answer. She just shrugged out of my grasp. So much for my feeble attempts at flirting.

"Come one Lucinda…" I sighed "You can't just ignore me. We see each other every fucking day."

_You're also the only real friend I have here and I hate the fact that you're pissed off at me. _

"I'm not mad at you." She mumbled "I can't force you to do anything you don't want to."

_Oh, you've got to be shitting me. All this girl has to do is bite that bottom lip of hers and I'm a goner. Of course, I'd never admit that. _

"Fuck Lucinda, if you really want me to come to this concert or whatever, I'll go alright? Will that make you happy?"

I really didn't want to go. I fucking hated this holiday. But, the hint of happiness that began showing in her eyes made it worth it. Maybe.

"Really?" she finally looked up at me "You're not just going because you feel bad?"

"I'm going because I have nothing better to do tonight." I answered her truthfully. But, she didn't seem to grasp the meaning behind my words. Good. She didn't need to see that to me, nothing was better than spending time with her.

_What the fuck are you doing Jasper? You know that by doing this, she's going to think that you have a thing for her. You how girls function…you know how they think. _

That couldn't be further away from the truth. Lucy was too good to ever fall for someone like me. To her, I was just her friend. And friendship is all she wanted from me. Right?

I looked at her from the corner of my eye. She was sketching something, her hair was still down but the corner of her mouth was curved in the smallest smile.

_Then again, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. She IS the only person who can handle you sometimes. But, at the same time, it seems that sometimes she can't even handle herself. _

We didn't really do much in class, it was the last day after all. Good, because I wasn't really paying attention.

"So" it was after school now and I was taking Lucy home "what time do I need to be there?"

"It starts at seven so you might want to get to the church at around six thirty or so."

"A church? Lucy you didn't say anything about a fucking church."

"Where else do you think it'd be at? And it'll be fine Jasper."

"Whatever." there was nothing else to say; I had already agreed and I wasn't about to go back on my word.

"Good, so, I'll see you later then?" she questioned once we got to her house.

"Yea, I'll be there." not by choice but none the less, I'd be there.

"Ok, well then I'll see you later!" she waved as I drove off.

Once I got to the house, I did nothing for a good three hours, just wondering how to go all about this. I didn't even remember the last time I had been inside a church. It had been years. My only hope was that when I got there, no one was going to try to pull some religious shit on me. If that was the case, I'd be out of there in a heartbeat.

_No, you wouldn't Jasper and you know it. That'd hurt Lucy and I doubt that's something you'd want to do. _

Well shit. No, I didn't want to hurt her but at the same time, I wasn't going to stand around while someone tried to tell me how to think.

When six thirty rolled around, I left the house, following the directions that Lucy had given me. Not like I could ever get lost in this town. I easily found the church where people were filing in. Parking the car, I walked up the path towards the small yet intimidating church. I knew that this was Lucy's father's domain; this is where he called the shots. I just hoped he didn't see me and start telling me anything. I doubt it though. He wouldn't treat me badly in front of his 'followers.'

I spotted Lucy right away. She was standing near the entrance, smiling shyly when people said hello to her. She clearly wasn't there to greet people, she was waiting; she was waiting for me.

When she saw me, she broke away from the crowd and came towards me.

"Jasper you came." the happiness was evident in her voice as she looked at me in almost shock.

"I told you I'd be here Lucy, you'd think I'd fucking lie to you?" some people turned around and looked at me with an odd expression; I just ignored them.

"No, I guess not. Come on let's go inside." she turned, walking through the Church doors. Taking a deep breath, I followed her, hoping the building wouldn't fall on my head.

"It's just a church Jasper, it's not going to hurt you." Lucy tried to reassure me when she saw my hesitation "and besides, it's just a concert, not a sermon."

"We're not sitting in the front are we?" that would be just what I needed, for Dr. Cullen's illegitimate son to be with the pastor's daughter. Though, I suppose it didn't matter where I sat; people were already talking. Lucy just shook her head, leading us to one of the back rows in the corner of the church.

"You think _I _want to sit up front?" she laughed slightly "no thanks."

"Isn't that your job though? To sit up front?" I hadn't been to church in a long ass time but I was pretty sure that's how it worked.

"I uh, well I don't normally sit up front on Sundays anymore. Usually, I'm with the little kids."

"Kids?"

"Yea, you know it's like a daycare sort of thing? Parents drop their kids off before the service starts."

"That's like, skipping church Lucy" I teased her "that's sort of badass." okay, no it wasn't but for Lucy, it was.

"It's not" she defended herself "besides, it's not all the time. Sometimes I'm in here."

"Whatever you do on Sundays is on you." I shrugged as we sat and waited for this concert to start. We still had a good twenty minutes so I looked around the church, surprised to see a lot of kids from our school there with their families.

"They don't normally come, there's only a lot of people during Christmas and Easter." Lucy, as if reading my mind, answered me. "one of the perks of sitting in the back on Sundays? You can watch everyone instead of having them watch you." she shrugged.

Glancing down at her, I took note of the piece of jewelry she was wearing. I don't think I had ever seen Lucy wear jewelry before.

"Nice ring you got there Lucy."

"Oh" she blushed "it's not real. I wish it was though, I love pearls." she lifted her hand up and glanced at the ring on her finger.

Our conversation continued that way until the lights turned down a bit, a sign that show was about to start apparently. There wasn't a lot of performers; just a group of six or seven people of all ages. Lucy's dad welcomed everyone in the beginning and not too surprisingly, he asked everyone to join him in prayer before the show started. I haven't been a praying person for an extremely long time so I just sat there, eyes open and watching everyone else. I turned and saw that Lucy had her hands clasped together in her lap and her head was lowered slightly. However, it seemed that she was doing her own praying, not going along with what her father was saying; things about the season of giving and being with your loved ones. For a brief moment, I wondered what she was praying or thinking about.

The show was your typical Christmas music. I had to admit, the people who sang had good voices. Who knew such talent rested in this tiny town? It wasn't exactly my idea of a good time but, Lucy was completely captivated by it as if this had been the first time she had heard these songs. She would occasionally tell me who people were before they started singing but for the most part, she was quiet. Which, the silence between the two of us had never been awkward. It was more of a comfortable silence.

When it came to the final song of the night, only one person, a guy our age, came to the stage alone with just a guitar in his hand. Before he even started singing, Lucy looked down and away for a brief moment before focusing her gaze back towards him. I immediately recognized the song when he started singing. It was 'What Child is This?' It was a classic song and one that mostly everyone knew.

Halfway through the song, I turned slightly and saw that Lucy, though completely silent, had tears sliding down her cheeks. I fought back every instinct to wipe them away for her; she wouldn't have let me do it anyways. When the song was over and the lights came back on, she quickly wiped them with the back of her hand before clapping and looking over at me.

"I'm such a girl" she shrugged as people began filing out of the church. Lucy's parents saw me as they walked outside to greet their visitors.

"Bullshit, why were you crying with that song? Or did it have to do something with that guy?"

"What?" she laughed "Oh no, I don't even know him."

"Then why the water works Lucy?"

"You'll think it's stupid."

"Try me."

"I was…well I was just jealous of him that's all."

As usual, she had completely confused the shit out of me again.

"Why?"

"I wish I could sing." she looked down.

"Oh come on Lucy, his voice wasn't _that _great."

_Besides, I've heard you sing, and you're ten times better than that punk. _

"No, no. I mean, I wish I could sing like him. You know, in public?"

"Well why don't you?"

"I haven't sang since" she paused "since we moved here. I used to sing every Sunday with the choir and every Christmas since I was seven, I would sing that song. The one that guy sang."

"Again, why don't you do it now?"

"I just can't okay? Can we just, drop it?"

Like hell I'd drop it "fine, whatever." mind and voice sure weren't agreeing tonight were they? There was more to her story than what she was saying. Though, that's always how it went with Lucy. She'd give little hints into her past before just shutting me out again. Not like I was trying to get her to tell me it was just a bit irritating when she wouldn't tell me the entire story.

Though, it seemed like the way Lucy acted now had a lot to do with her life before moving here. It seemed like she was a completely different person.

"I'm really glad you came. It was nice to not have to sit alone for once." Lucy kept the conversation going as we walked out of the church, the glares from people still coming as we walked.

"Like I said, I didn't have anything else to do." I shrugged. The cocky personality was never too far gone when it came to me, even when I was with Lucy. Luckily, she didn't say much about it; she just accepted it. Something people rarely did.

"My dad's going to give me the biggest lecture when I get home" she turned towards me, a hint of anger flashing in her eyes "but, oh well. It was worth it. Besides, you're my friend and what kind of trouble could we get into in a church?"

"Actually" I thought about it "well, never mind. I'll see you on Monday Lucy." we parted ways as I walked to my car and she walked to her parents.

It was barely nine thirty by the time I got back but within an hour, I was out cold. Maybe it was the fact that I just spent two hours in a church listening to fucking Christmas music or merely the fact that I had spent two hours with Lucy and everything seemed relatively normal with her. Well, other than her crying over that song. That still made no sense. If she honestly missed singing that much, wouldn't she just do it? Unless…unless she had some odd fear of singing in front of people here?"

Though, she had no problem practically seducing me with her voice that one night. In fact, that was the last image in my head as I fell asleep; Lucy singing, my hand on her scar and holding her close to me. Pretty nice images to fall asleep to in my book.

I woke up earlier than usual the following morning, thanks to my falling asleep so damn early. Trudging down stairs, I didn't think anyone would be awake at six in the morning. It was Saturday after all. However, much to my surprise, I found Esme sitting in the kitchen, coffee in hand as she wrote things down.

"Morning Jasper" she smiled sweetly at me. Jesus, even this early she was so cheerful "what are you doing up so early?"

"I have no idea actually." I pulled out the chair across from her "I fell asleep early last night. I guess that's why."

We spent the next half hour talking, me telling her about the concert and Lucy.

"Well, I'm glad to see that you got out for awhile last night." she nodded, getting up "I'm going to go shopping in a little bit, would you like to join me?"

I looked at as if she had completely lost it "Shopping? Esme does it look like I'm the shopping type?"

"No" she laughed "and that's why I'm asking you. Don't you want to get Lucy something for Christmas?"

I hadn't really thought about it. I hadn't bought a Christmas gift in well shit, a long time. "Uh, I don't know Esme"

"Jasper!" she feigned shock "that girl is your friend and I will bet you anything she's going to get you something. Now, don't you think it'd be nice to get her something? It would be a bit unexpected don't you think?"

"I guess so." I sighed "I wouldn't know what to get her though."

"Well that's why it'd be best if you get dressed so you can come with me. I'm sure I can help you find something perfect for her."

When I just sat there, staring at her confused for a few moments, she snapped me out of it.

"Sometime today young man." she smiled before leaving the kitchen.

Maybe she had lost it. Lost it but she was still entertaining to me. I couldn't help but like that woman. Not wanting her to get on my case again, I quickly made my way upstairs and was showered and dressed in twenty minutes, waiting for her when she came back downstairs.

"Shall we?" her eyes were bright with excitement. This was clearly a woman's idea of fun. Though I had to admit, I wasn't really dreading spending the day shopping with Esme. Unlike everyone else, I didn't have to put much of a front on with Esme. She just took what she got and that seemed to be enough. Sort of like Lucy I suppose.

We drove about an hour or so until we reached a relatively larger town. Esme said we were Port Angeles or something like that. It looked a lot like where we lived, only obviously larger and with more business.

"Alright Jasper now, I know that you're probably completely hopeless when it comes to shopping" she glanced over at me once she parked the car. When I shot her a glare, she just shrugged, the two of us knowing it was the truth "but, there has to be something you can think of that Lucy might like. We need some sort of an idea before venturing out."

"Well, I know she loves reading, loves all that art shit…the color pink." I rambled the short list "fuck, I'm not much of a friend am I?" I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. Since when did I care what kind of friend I was? A soft smile crossed Esme's face as she shook her head.

"I think you're a wonderful friend to Lucy and it's pretty clear that you care for her a lot. So, how about we just go walk around for a bit and if you see something, we'll go from there?"

Sounded better than anything I could think of.

Wandering down the streets, I came to find a lot about Esme. Man, that woman could talk. She told me all about her life and growing up. I hadn't asked her and I wasn't sure why she was telling me these things but I just let her talk. It was actually nice to have a normal conversation with one of the members of the Cullen family.

We were passing a small jewelry store when something inside told me to stop and go in there. Esme didn't say anything when I paused before waking in.

"Jewelry Jasper?" she questioned.

"Girls like this kind of stuff right?" I really had no clue. Even when I was with Alice, she always had everything and the most I ever bought her were flowers. Though, she wasn't much of a flower person. She was extremely materialistic.

"Well yes, yes we do. It's just…well, never mind that honey. Look around and see if there's anything here she would like."

I scanned the rows of rings and earrings, nothing catching my eye though. All of it was overpriced and nothing I saw could I see Lucy wearing. I was about to give up when I came to the last case, my eyes quickly looking inside. And that's when I saw it.

I knew right away that it was the one. Nestled in the middle of the case was a bracelet. A bracelet made out of pearls.

"Ah, yes" the woman behind the counter approached me "this one is very lovely." she grabbed it and showed it to me. I picked up the delicate piece of jewelry, examining it quickly before nodding.

"I'll take it."

"Oh, Jasper, that's beautiful." Esme was beside me, looking at it "a rosary bracelet, it's beautiful. I think Lucy will love it."

"Do you think" I fumbled with my thoughts "do you think she'll like it?"

She then did something that surprised me a bit. She reached out and touched my cheek gently, smiling brightly "She'll love it Jasper. It's beautiful, delicate and simple."

"Just like Lucy." we both said at the same time, causing Esme to laugh.

"Is Lucy your girlfriend?" the saleswoman asked as she boxed the gift.

"No" I said quickly "she's just a friend."

"I see." she looked at Esme and the two exchanged a knowing look "well, she's very lucky to have a friend like you." I paid for the bracelet and made my way out of the store.

"You made a fine choice with that gift Jasper." Esme seemed more than pleased with my choice. I was pretty confident that Lucy would love it.

We spent the next few hours in various shops, Esme picking up a few things here and there. I had her pegged for a bigger shopper than that but, she was very precise in the things she wanted. And, if it wasn't exactly what she was looking for, she didn't take it.

By the time we got back, I was once again exhausted. All I wanted to lay down, maybe get something to eat before calling it a night again. Life, on the other hand, had something else planned.

"Hey Jasper?" Edward called me from the living room where he was sitting with his girlfriend "someone called for you when you were gone?" he looked at me, waiting for me to say something back.

"Who the hell would've called me?"

"Said her name was Alice and she said for you to call her back."

Fuck. What the hell did Alice want? I hadn't talked to her in months, not since that day when she told me she just wanted to be friends. She hadn't called since. Without another word, I went upstairs to me room, locking the door behind me before pulling out my cell phone. I stared at it for a good ten minutes before just deciding to call her back. She answered right away, her peppy voice carrying right through the receiver. Though this time, I found no reason to want to smile or be cordial with her.

"How did you get the house number?" was my first question "and what do you want?" was the second.

"OH, Jasper" she laughed "It wasn't that hard. There's only one Dr. Cullen in that town you live in now."

"Fair enough. Well, you got me on the phone. So what give Alice? Why are you calling me after all these months of nothing?"

"Well, I wanted to know if I could come see you during your break?"

"No" my response was quick, automatic "why the fuck would you want to come here?"

"To see you silly. Me and Rosalie have been talking about it."

I scoffed at that. Rosalie, my only cousin who liked to pretend that we weren't related and who happened to be Alice's best friend. "I doubt Rose wants to come see me Alice so try again."

"I'm lonely without you Jasper." her voice dropped into that childlike persona "I'd really love to come see you."

Oh, she wasn't serious was she?

"That sounds like a personal problem. And no, I don't want you coming here Alice. I have nothing to say to you."

"Why are you being such a jerk? What, do you have a new girlfriend over there that you're afraid of me meeting?"

"If I did, why would I be afraid? We're not together anymore remember?"

"Is she prettier than me?"

"What the fuck Alice? Stop being so paranoid? No, I don't have a girlfriend here and no, I still don't want you coming here. And I swear, if you show up here…"

"Oh, fine" she huffed "I was just trying to be nice. I didn't want you to be all alone on Christmas."

"Yes, well that isn't your problem now is it? I think this conversation is over. Bye Alice."

"Jasper, wait…" I didn't give her the chance, I just shut the phone, tossing it on the night stand. If I had been tired before, I was completely spent now. Leaning back on the bed, I thought about the conversation. When Alice had mentioned girlfriend, I thought about Lucy. If anything, Lucy was just my friend that so happened to be a girl. A girl that I had just bought a gift for.

Shit. That didn't mean that my feelings for Lucy had changed had they? We were merely friends, and friends were all we could ever be? No, I wouldn't allow myself to get so heavily involved with her in that sense. I doubt she would allow it anyway. She was very secretive and guarded, never letting people in to her own little world.

The next few days passed by in a bit of a blur. My mind was partly consumed with final exams and the other was consumed with when I was going to give my gift to Lucy. We didn't have lunch together because we got out early during finals. And each day when I would take her home, I would look at her and then quickly to the small box in the back seat that contained her gift. Every day that passed, I wondered just why I couldn't man up and give her the fucking thing already. It was just a small something for her, that was all.

Before I knew it, it was the last day, the day of our art final. It wasn't much of a final though. There was one question that we had to write an essay on and that was it. Something about choosing one of our projects and writing about it and what he had learned thus far in the class. I finished quickly, really not knowing what to write. I waited for Lucy out in the parking lot for a good forty minutes before she slowly made her way out towards my car. I hadn't noticed it earlier but she seemed a bit preoccupied with something. She slid into the car silently, looking straight ahead. Only when I didn't start the car did she turn and face me. Finally looking at her, she looked paler than normal and her eyes were a bit puffy, as if she had been crying the night before.

"What's wrong?" the genuine concern in my voice surprised me.

"My family's coming to visit next week."

That didn't seem so bad. From what I knew, Lucy loved her family. "And?"

"My brother's coming Jasper." she whispered "I haven't seen him since we moved here."

"So why aren't you excited? Aren't you close with him?"

She nodded slowly "yes, but…no you don't understand. It'll be so bittersweet to see him because all I'll be able to think about while he's here is that he'll have to go back. Back to…" she paused "back to his new life."

"New life?"

"It's just, oh never mind." she stared back out the window "not like it's important. Not like any of it matters to anyone anymore. I'm the only one who stays up crying all night just thinking about it." she rambled.

Why the hell was she crying? Clearly she was upset and I thought that now would be a good time to give her the gift. Gifts cheered up people right? However at the last minute, looking at her from the corner of my eye and seeing her physically distraught, I changed my mind. I would just have to give it to her when she was in a better mood. When I was in a better mood apparently. I was still reeling over that conversation I had had with Alice.

The drive to her house was silent and she stared blankly out the window. To be honest, it was a bit unsettling to see her like this. I had seen her during her little moments but this, her not saying anything, her eyes somewhere else, it was freaking me out just a bit. When we finally got to her house, she seemed to snap out of it.

"I'm sorry Jasper. I didn't mean to be so…well, I don't really now." she shook her head "I'll, I guess I'll see you later?"

"Yea. Later.'

"If I don't see you, have a really good Christmas okay?"

"I doubt it but same to you."

Without another word, she got out of the car, waving before walking towards her house. Staring at that damn box in the back seat, I drove away, missing my last chance to give it to her.

Something inside me though couldn't bring myself to give it to her. The timing seemed all off. I guess if anything, I could come and drop it off to her during the break. Though, I'm not sure if I wanted to intrude on her and her family. Just because I hated this time of year, it didn't mean that she did.

I guess I'd be going into this Christmas break confused. Confused once again over the girl who was my only friend. Confused because I didn't know which was worse. The memories that had been plaguing my mind the past few nights or the fact that Lucy seemed so upset about something just now and I wasn't able to help her in any way.

If anything, I'd just have to wait for everything to be better. For the both of us to be in a better state of mind. I knew my issues but I didn't now Lucy's.

And that alone made me wonder if things were ever going to be 'better' for either of us? Something always seemed to be lurking in the back of our minds. Something that wanted to come out but we tried desperately to keep those thoughts, those memories hidden from each other, not wanting to let the other to now.

Shit, I guess we did have more in common than I thought. That being said, I still didn't know what was going on her head and vice versa. My plan of not getting so heavily involved seemed to be wearing thin though. Because with each passing day, I wanted to know more about Lucy. I wanted a lot of things. Things which I'm positive I'd never get or that would never happen.

So much for a merry fucking Christmas. I doubt things were going to get any better over break. Not with my thoughts and definitely not with Lucy being so upset about something. Oh well, I'd just have to endure it. Endure it like I had dealt with every other holiday the past couple years. I wasn't looking forward to it but, it was the only way. The only way to forget everything, even for just a little bit. And if I could do that, then maybe I'd make it though another winter break. Just maybe.

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**I had to throw in some more Esme, because I think she is amazing. **

**Lucy's thoughts...Jasper's thoughts...always so secretive and complicated aren't they? But, you can't help but love them; at least, I do! **

**Reviews are love as usual.  
**


	14. Night Terror

**A/N: Alright guys, can I just say...things are about to get interesting. And I MUST give a major thanks to my friend Meg because without her amazing talent, part of this chapter would've been non-existent. **

**As usual, I own nothing; Just Lucy.**

**

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****Chapter 14: Night Terror**

_**I woke up and he was screaming**_

_**I'd left him dreaming**_

_**I roll over and shake him tightly and whisper **_

'_**If they want you, then they're gonna have to fight me.' **_

**Jasper**

Being on break from school was a fucking god send for nearly every person in our school. However, I beg to differ. Since we've gotten out, I've been going out of my mind. Day after day I've spent it here at the house, not doing much. Oh, I could've gone out somewhere but where the hell was I going to go? There was nothing to do here, no one I wanted to socialize with. But shit, I could only watch TV, sleep and eat so much before things just all started to blur together.

This morning however, I had a feeling things were going to be different. No, I _knew _they'd be different. For everyone else, tomorrow was Christmas but to me, it was going to be so much more.

Waking up and going downstairs, I stumbled upon on Carlisle and Esme in the kitchen, having a seemingly innocent moment with each other. Though it was none of my business, I couldn't find the will to walk away. Something inside of me hated Carlisle with each second that passed. How could he stand there, pretending to be this loving husband after what he did all those years ago?

_Not everyone lives in the past Jasper. Some people do move on. Maybe you should try it one day. _

Like hell I would. My entire life seemed to revolve around the past and what this fucker did. It's all I've ever known, all I used to think about at night. A lot of 'what if' dreams filled my mind when I was younger, wondering what life would've been like had Carlisle actually wanted to be part of my life, actually gave a shit to come back once in awhile to see how me and mom were doing.

But, that was in the past and just because he's here now, it doesn't make up for what he didn't do back then. I don't think I'll ever be able to look past that, move on. Fuck that.

"Morning Jasper, are you hungry?" Esme, as always, warmly greeted me "sit, I'll make you something honey." what choice did I have than to just sit at the table across from Carlisle. Before I knew it, there was plate of French toast being placed in front of me.

"I hope you like it Jasper. I'm making cookies too so make sure you leave room for that as well." I wondered quickly who the hell made cookies in the morning but I suppose it was just Esme being in the Christmas spirit.

Giving her quick nod, I ate in silence, half listening to the conversation between husband and wife. The food was delicious, there was no denying that and actually, it wasn't as awkward sitting here with the two of them as I thought it would be. That all changed though when Edward came trudging down the stairs, his hair a fucking mess and a bit of a stumble in his step. I knew it without even him having to say anything; asshole was hung-over.

"How was your night son?" Carlisle eyed Edward with obvious suspicion.

He shrugged "alright."

"Edward" he set down the paper he was reading "have you forgotten about our discussion about drinking?"

"No" he mumbled, head in his hands "dad, it was nothing. I didn't even drive home."

"It doesn't matter Edward, whether you drove home or not, there's still the danger of you getting hurt or worse."

It had to be the first time that I had actually heard Carlisle frown upon something Edward had done. It was quite entertaining actually. To know that the all perfect son wasn't so perfect after all. That is, til the tables were turned on me.

"Jasper, those same rules apply to you as well." He glanced over at me.

"What rules?"

"No drinking." he stated simply.

"Does it look like I drink?" I leaned a bit back from the table, glaring at him.

"Not that I've seen but, I know especially during this time of year, things are probably really tough on you given everything that happened."

Oh, I wasn't in the mood for this shit.

"Oh is that so? And how exactly would you know what I'm going through?"

"Jasper" he sighed "when someone is still in the grieving process, the holidays can be extremely difficult on those left behind. And I know that the death of your mother has been extremely difficult on you, especially being as she died on Christmas. Now, I know you and I haven't really had the chance to discuss things since you've moved here but…"

"Exactly" I stood from the table "you've never wanted anything to do with me or my mother so don't try and be the all doting father on me now Carlisle. It's too late for that shit. The damage is done and there's nothing you can do about it. If there's anyone you should be offering you so called kind words to, it's my mother but guess what? She's fucking dead Carlisle." The words came out of my mouth were strained, scrambled and probably made no sense but, he had just set off something in my head and I couldn't stay silent any longer.

"Son, I.." he stumbled, a bit lost for words for once. And that just did it for me.

"Don't fucking call me that Carlisle. You didn't want me then; you really think I believe you want me now? You just got stuck with me, just a name on a piece of paper. It means nothing."

"Jasper please don't do this" he seemed genuinely shocked at the words coming out of my mouth "I know you're dealing with a lot right now."

"You're right, I am dealing with a lot. So if you'll excuse me, I'll go deal with it on my own terms." I walked so damn fast out of the kitchen that I didn't have a chance to look at any of their faces. I'm sure Carlisle was deeply confused, Esme nearly heartbroken and Edward was probably feeling really good about himself, knowing that next to me, he was always going to shine.

I locked myself away in the room for the remainder of the day. I could hear them coming and going but only when it was starting to get dark where there's a knock on the door. I ignored it the first few times, not wanting to deal with any of them but when I heard Edward's muffled voice on the other side, something inside me pushed me towards the door.

He was standing there, leaning against the doorway.

"What?"

"Look Jasper, I'm not here to try and make amends. Whatever it is that dad and you have going on is your business and I'm not going to defend him or try and make nice with you."

"Then what the hell do you want?"

He sighed, looking down the hall quickly before looking towards me "I'm not trying to offer sympathy or anything to you because I know you don't want it but, I can't even imagine what it would be like to not have Esme in my life so, I get that you're going through some tough shit right now and I just wanted to offer you…well, offer what sometimes calms me down."

I had to admit, now he had my attention "go on" I pressed.

"There's a bottle of Tequila in my room, and you can have it if you want. Seems like you need it more than I do right now."

"Where the fuck did you get Tequila from? And how have your parents not found it?"

He shrugged "they don't exactly go through my shit you know? And does it really matter where I got it from? Do you want it or not?"

"Fine" I answered him quickly "let me have it" he backed away from the wall and I followed him to his room.

"Don't get too smashed, Carlisle and Esme will expect you to still have dinner with them and they'll know something's up if you go down there drunk." He advised. It was a valid point actually but shit, seeing the alcohol, I was suddenly in dire need of it. I took the bottle from him, taking a few drinks from it, the liquid burning as it went down my throat.

"Oh, fuck" I handed it back to him after a minute. He looked at me with an odd expression "oh, fine" I pulled it back, keeping it with me before walking away.

"Just remember.."

"Yea, yea" I nodded, walking towards my room and locking the door behind me. It was four; Esme usually had dinner ready by six. So that gave me two hours to sit here and either drink some more of think about things. Taking one from drink, I stashed it in the closet, making a note to come back for it later.

Why Edward had given me alcohol was beyond me but at the moment, I didn't really care. I hardly believed he was going to run to his dad and rat me out. Not even he was that low.

Leaning back against the headboard, the tequila beginning to course through my system, I tried to keep my eyes open. Every time I closed them, I was quickly bombarded with memories; images that I refused to think about right now or ever again for that matter.

Thinking about it was too hard, too emotional and I sure as hell wasn't going to break down over something that had happened a year ago; something that fucking changed my life. Slowly bringing my knees up, I held them tightly against my chest, resting my head on my arms, hoping that everything would just fade into the background. Unfortunately, there was a soft knock not more than fifteen minutes later followed by Esme telling me it was time for dinner.

"Fuck, I'll be right there" I slightly stumbled off my bed and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change my clothes. If it helped the smell or not, I wasn't sure but I had to do what I could. I walked painstakingly slow into the dining room where everyone else was already.

As usual, Esme made something incredibly delicious. Also per usual, the conversation was both idle and awkward.

"Now Jasper" Esme leaned towards me, looking as though she was trying to word things right "usually we don't do anything big on Christmas eve. Tomorrow is the bigger day in the family. So, unless you feel like sitting around watching Christmas movies with us, you're more than welcome to go out."

I looked at her, trying to process what she had just said "Like where?"

"Well Edward's going to go see Bella so maybe you can go see Lucy? Have you given her the gift yet?"

"No, not yet" I sighed "I don't know, her family's here, I don't want to fucking bother her."

"I see" she smiled, a hint of sadness in her eyes. I don't know what she was sad about. Sad that Lucy was the only friend I had or sad over what had happened in the kitchen this morning. "well, just let us know okay?" I didn't answer, just focused on the food on my plate.

Twenty minutes later, Edward was leaving as Carlisle and Esme were getting settled to watch a marathon of old movies. A twinge of nostalgia ran through my mind as I caught glimpse of the films they were going to watch. There used to be a time where I loved Christmas and sitting around and watching movies. But, those days were dead and gone, buried even further back than the shitty memories.

I downed the rest of that tequila bottle, to the point where everything was starting to feel too warm and my mind was a bit fuzzy. I knew then it was working and that I was completely wasted.

Wasted and with the sudden urge to not be in this house anymore. Sitting up quickly, too quickly, I grabbed my keys and slipped on my shoes and a sweatshirt before waking my way back downstairs.

"I'll be back." I paused in the living room for a second, both trying to steady myself and making sure I had everything.

"Where you going sweetie?"

"Uh, I'm not sure." I shrugged before walking outside towards my car. However, when I couldn't even open the door, I knew it'd be best if I didn't drive anywhere. I was a lot of things but a drunk driver wasn't something I wanted to add to the list. Looking up at the sky, it was starting to get dark but there was still some light out so I just started walking, never looking back.

I didn't know where I was going to. And as the clouds began to roll in and it started to sprinkle, I hardly noticed. I didn't notice much around me, the water hitting my face wasn't even a factor. I had no idea where I was until I found myself on an all too familiar doorstep, knocking on the door profusely, waiting to see what would happen next. All I knew was that I was suddenly feeling tired, everything seeming to be catching up with me.

**Lucy**

Today had been another one of those gray dreary December days that just made me want to curl up in bed and forget that the world existed.

Today was Christmas Eve and I was currently alone in the house, again. Not like it mattered. Even if I were to be surrounded by my family, I'd still feel alone on the inside. They would never know that though.

I had spent today like much of other Christmas breaks, lying in my bed and just staring up at the ceiling.

Only now, I was completely captivated listening to the rain, wishing I could just go out there and forget about everything. It was coming down, pounding on the roof incessantly, so loud that at first I didn't hear the soft knock on the door.

But then it came again, still cautious, but louder this time. I went to the door. Who was crazy enough to be out in this weather? Better question, who'd be knocking on _my _door right now? A surge of anxiety spread through my body as I made my way downstairs as déjà vu set in for just a moment.

However, the moment I peered through the peephole and saw exactly who it was, that feeling went away completely.

Quickly pulling the door open, I greeted him. "Jasper?"

He was soaked, rain dripping down his face, his hair plastered to his head. He didn't seem to notice it.

He was scowling, his eyes dark and sort of glassy. His expression might have been fierce, if he didn't look like a wet puppy.

"Jasper, what are you doing? You're soaked!" a gust of wind flowed into the house, causing me to shake just a bit. My current state of dress was no match for the icy weather outside. Neither was Jasper's as I looked at him, noticing there was no car behind him; he had walked here.

He sneered. "I'm standing on your fucking doorstep. What does it look like?"

His words were slurring together as he continued to stare "You gonna let me in, Lucy?"

I stepped back. He stumbled a little as he entered.

I studied him for a moment after I shut the door against the chill. "You're drunk?"

The sneer remained in place. "No shit, Sherlock."

I laced my hands together in front of me. "Why are you drunk?"

I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. "Because I fucking hate Christmas."

I held back my sigh. "Oh, Jasper."

"I don't need your fucking pity." He informed me. "I just need a place to fucking crash for a while."

"You can stay here." I offered immediately. My parents wouldn't be happy, but that didn't matter right now. He was hurting, and he was my friend. _That _was all that mattered.

He gave me what looked like some sort of nod before he headed straight towards the stairs, making his way slowly up. I stayed downstairs for a few moments, looking over at the clock. It was a little after ten.

My parents had left some time ago to the airport. A bunch of my relatives were coming to visit for a few days from L.A, my brother among one of them. I couldn't wait to see the look on their faces when they all showed up and saw the drunk boy in my bedroom. Oh, well. One more glance at our Christmas tree and I was on my way up the stairs.

When I got up to my room, I saw Jasper standing there, about to just plop himself right on my bed.

"No!" I squeaked, "You're all wet Jasper." I frowned.

"And what do you want me to do about it?" he rolled his eyes, as if it was someone else's fault that he was wet.

"You can't sleep in my bed like that." I attempted to stand my ground. It didn't really seem to work; he laughed at me. But, his laugh was emotionless and cold.

"Don't want me to mess up the pink?" he glared at me again, his hands began to fumble with the gray sweatshirt that he was wearing. But, he stopped after unzipping it and just stood there.

"Fuck." he grumbled more to himself than to me.

With hesitant steps, I walked over to him and, with having as little contact as I could, I helped him slip it off his shoulders, leaving him in just a plain black t-shirt. Besides the smell of alcohol that was coming off of him, he smelt incredibly good.

He clumsily kicked off his shoes and socks, leaning on me for a few seconds, causing me both to tense and wince.

"Just the bottom of your jeans are wet so they should dry soon." I turned away from him, draping his sweatshirt over my chair so it could dry.

_And thank god for that. _Turning back, I saw that he was already lying down on top of all the blankets, his eyes already drooping.

"I'll let you rest okay?" I looked down at my hands. It didn't really seem smart or safe to be in the same bed as him.

"Did I say you could leave Lucy?" he mumbled as he got more comfortable. I didn't answer him "Please, I just don't want to be alone right now."

And me, being the nice girl that I am, just caved. Sighing, I walked around so I could get in on the other side. And much like last time, I tried to put as much distance between the two of us as possible. I turned off the light and lay on my side, just staring at him for a few minutes. He was practically in a deep sleep already.

"I'm glad you came Jasper." I blurted out and immediately froze. He didn't move or open his eyes though.

"Why?" He slurred.

Oh, crap.

"I'm glad you're here, instead of out there walking around in the rain, drunk. You could get hurt." I rambled, hoping he'd believe me. Actually, that wasn't a lie. Even though I hated the fact that he walked here in the rain, I knew that driving, especially in this weather, well there's always the danger of it ending badly. And that was something I couldn't be able to handle. At least here, I knew he was safe.

He just scoffed at that and pretty soon, I could hear his steady breathing and I knew he was gone. I could relax then. Yes, I had meant what I told him but, I couldn't very tell him why I _really _was glad I he had came.

Because when Jasper's around, _I _feel safe. It makes no sense what so ever. I've only known him for a few months. But, with him here, I don't feel so...alone; both literally and emotionally. And, even though he was completely drunk at the moment, I had a feeling that he would protect me. At least, I hoped so and wasn't just making up some little fantasy. It wouldn't be the first time.

I must've fallen asleep in the midst of my thoughts because the next thing I knew, I heard the front door open and the commotion of voices. Funny thing though, I didn't even move. What could I do? Not like I could hide Jasper in my closest or anything.

"She's probably sleeping..." I heard the voices outside my door. Taking a deep breath, I watched as the door knob turned and the door swung open. And, much to my anticipation, I was met with the look of shock and confusion coming from my parents and grandparents. My aunt and uncle looked a little confused and my cousins were just smiling, whispering "go Lucinda!" in the dark. I noted quickly of the fact that Carlos was _not _among them, causing my heart to break just a little bit more tonight.

"Lucinda..." my dad stepped further, a look on anger on his face.

"Dad, _ahorita no. Por favor, mi amigo no se siente bien..._" I got up from the bed, making sure I didn't wake up Jasper.

"Please _papi, _he didn't have any place else to go." I lied, trying to keep my voice in check. "How could I just let him stand out in the rain? It was the right thing to do." I tried to butter him up a bit, trying to show him that I was just being the good, Christian girl. He lifted an eyebrow at me before he started speaking.

"Ay, Lucinda." he rubbed his forehead "I'm too tired to deal with this right now. We're talking in the morning about this. _Me entiendes?"_ he eyed me with that look of authority. I just nodded. I hated that look. But, at the moment, I'd take it.

With no more words, my family left my room and soon, I could hear them all settled in the rooms and downstairs. Sighing, I tried to go back to sleep, hoping that no one would come up.

The clock on my nightstand flashed three am when I heard and felt it. I had just began to fall asleep when I felt a bit of a shift on the bed. I snapped my eyes open, startled by the sudden movement and saw that Jasper had moved himself closer to me. I closed my eyes again but, a few moments later, I felt him moving again, this time not stopping until I could feel his breath on my arm. I looked down and saw that he was right next to me. But, what happened next, I would've never expected.

Scooting even closer, he threw his arm across my stomach and rested his head against my side, practically on my chest. But, what scared me wasn't the fact that he was touching me so closely. No, what caused all my defenses to come down was when he started mumbling against me, in a trembling voice "No, please don't leave me, not like this. I promise to be good...I promise."

His voice was strained, like he was trying to stop himself from crying. His grip tightened around me and it was like he was scared about something. No, he wasn't scared. He was terrified by this nightmare he was having. Though, something told me it was more than a nightmare.

I did the only thing I could do at that point. I moved my right hand so that it was gently resting on the top of his head before I started moving my hand slowly through his hair, trying to somehow ease his pain.

His grip didn't loosen one bit and the deep, pained expression was still evident on his face. He wasn't talking anymore but whatever had been plaguing him was still very much present in his mind. Before I knew what I was doing, I began singing to him in a mere whisper.

**Jasper  
**Ireally don't know much about how our brains work but I'm pretty sure that we, regardless if we're completely wasted or not, don't go from having fucking horrible flashbacks to one of the best dreams I've ever had. It just doesn't really add up.

In my dream, I saw Lucy, with those hands of hers, just running themselves through my hair, not having a care in the world. And it felt fucking divine. It felt so real too. I could literally feel her doing it.

And then I heard it. Barely above a whisper but it sure as hell was there. And that's when I knew that this wasn't a dream.

Because I would _never _dream of Christmas music. No matter how drunk I may have been.

I opened my eyes slowly, my eyes adjusting to the dark. I wasn't in my room though. Hell, I don't even think I was in my house. It took me a few moments before I remembered where I was at.

_Lucy's house. No, Lucy's bed. _

After everything came rushing back to me, I noticed that I wasn't just in Lucy's bed. No, I was actually _holding _onto something. And when I looked down at bit, I saw that I was holding onto Lucy. I was holding onto her so tightly, as if she was my only source of sanity. I had my arm wrapped around her and felt my head resting practically on her chest. And, as amazing as _that _felt, it wasn't really a priority to me at the moment.

I just kept lying there, seeing what would happen next. The movements through my hair had gotten gentler as Lucy began singing again. As soon as she opened her mouth again, I cringed.

I fuckinghated that song. A song that brought up far too many emotions than I was comfortable with. And it wasn't mixing well with the memories I had just relived.

Shit.

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas_

_Let your heart be light_

_Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight_

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas_

_Make the Yule tide gay_

_Next year all our troubles will be miles away_

The second time she said that line, her voice noticeably cracked. I was about to sit up, blowing my cover, and just tell her to stop this shit. Because, it wasn't doing either of us any good. But then, so help me god, I felt drops of something hitting the side of my face. _Fucking teardrops. _

_Once again as in olden days, happy golden days of yore _

_Faithful friends who are near to us, will be dear to us once more _

_Someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow_

_Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow_

_So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now. _

By the time she reached the end of the song, she was fucking goner. Her sobs weren't over the top. They were just soft and heart wrenching. And that made things even harder. I battled inside my mind once more. I knew that the only reason Lucy was able to handle me being so close to her was because she thought I was asleep. Like the other time, it was like when we slept, she had no problem what so ever with some extra physical contact.

Because when we slept, she knew I couldn't hurt her. This was only a theory but, it was the only fucking explanation I could come up.

I knew I shouldn't do it but, I couldn't spend hours listening to Lucy's sobbing. For one, it would annoy the shit out of me. But there was another reason. And that reason was good enough to risk everything.

I lifted my head up slowly to look up and see her face. She completely froze and stopped everything she was doing when she saw me. She opened her mouth to say something but something stopped her. I hadn't moved from my position and her hand was still touching me gently. She pulled away from me and she, for a split second, looked like she was going to reach out and touch my face or something. But, she just let her hand drop to her side.

"No.." my voice was hoarse and strained and it surprised not only Lucy but me as well. And that's when it dawned on me. I probably looked like a fucking mess right now. And, the raw emotions obviously present in my voice weren't something that Lucy had ever witnessed before. Not many people have ever seen me like this. It was something I had perfected over the years.

_Shit. _ She was seeing right through me.

And, at the moment, I needed some sort of connection. Something, _anything _that would get my mind off all of this. I knew where that connection could come from. I lost it the second Lucy dropped her hand from me. And I wasn't going to let that shit slide. I literally needed that hand back. No matter how pathetic it sounded it in my head, I knew it was true.

I reached over to her side and grabbed her hand, not bothering to stop when she tried to pull back away from me. I held it tightly in mine as I rested them on her, not letting them go and laying my cheek gently on them. Her hands were warm, soft, and full of comfort. At least, that's what it felt like to me.

Seconds or minutes could've passed when I felt her moving so she could get a better look at me. And, I knew I shouldn't have looked up at her. Because the second I did, her expression just about caused me to break completely.

_Pity. Confusion. Sadness. _

It was all too much for me to even think about dealing with right now.

I still had her hand pressed against my cheek along with my own and in either a move of desperation or because I was intoxicated, I turned my face slowly and pressed my lips against the inside of her palm and kept them there for a few moments, hoping that by doing this, I could keep it all in. That I wouldn't fucking fall apart in this girl's arms.

"Jasper, what's wro..." she began to whisper to me but I cut her off.

"Lucy, don't...don't ask me any fucking questions right now alright? Can...can I just stay right here? With _you_?" With each word I could hear the desperation in my voice growing stronger. And with each word, I could see her sadness growing as well.

And that was the _last _thing I wanted. I didn't want Lucy feeling sorry for me. She didn't even know what the hell was going on and yet, she was still feeling bad. God help me the day she ever finds out...no, telling Lucy my story would shatter her. She's already a pretty fragile person and I don't want to break her anymore than I probably already have.

She bit her lip for a few seconds before sighing deeply.

"Fine." she mumbled. She wasn't happy. But, she had agreed because this was how we functioned.

And then I said it. The two words that I hardly ever said anymore. The two words that when I _did _say them, they had no real meaning to them.

"Thank you." I squeezed her hand tighter, blinking my eyes a few times, blocking any real emotion from pouring out. She didn't answer. She just let me hold onto her hand. I knew if anything, I could always blame it on the alcohol later for this sudden outburst but, I had a feeling that wouldn't work. Lucy may or may not be a lot of things but, stupid wasn't one of them.

"You're my friend Jasper" she looked at me, a softness in her eyes "I'll never leave you"

I stared her for a moment, the alcohol beginning to wear off somewhat as I tried to make sense of all of this. I once again found myself extremely exhausted and saw that Lucy was fall asleep as well. I knew there was no way in hell I'd be able to sleep without her hand in mine and, much to my relief, she didn't let go when I rested back against her. I held that hand, as if my life fucking depended on it.

God, I really hated Christmas and that fucking song; it just had made things whole lot worse in my opinion. How in the hell was I going to explain all this to her later? However, all that mattered to me at this moment was trying to forget about everything and the girl who was laying next to me. A girl who had just promised me she'd never leave me, simply because I was her friend. And dear God I hoped she wasn't lying; I was finally beginning to see that I _needed _someone like Lucy in my life. No, not someone like her, I just needed her.

Talk about bad fucking timing. Now was not the time to be having these kinds of revelations. Either that or I was more wasted than I thought. Guess we'd find out in the morning.

* * *

**I just, have no words, lol. I'm really eager to know what you guys thought! **

**Songs from this chapter:**

**1. Night Terror- Laura Marling**

**2. Have yourself a merry little Christmas- Judy Garland (personally, this song gets me EVERY year!)  
**


	15. Let The Flames Begin

**A/N: As always, thank you to everyone who takes time to review this story, it truly means a lot to me! Thanks also to my girls who are always constantly helping me as well, you guys are the best. **

**Enjoy!**

**As usual, all I own is Lucy & her crazy family. **

* * *

**_Chapter 15: Let the Flames Begin_**

**_Somewhere weakness is our strength,  
And I'll die searching for it.  
I can't let myself regret such selfishness.  
My pain and all the trouble caused,  
No matter how long  
I believe that there's hope  
Buried beneath it all and  
Hiding beneath it all, and  
Growing beneath it all, and..._**

**_This is how we'll dance when,  
When they try to take us down  
This is how we'll sing it._**

**Lucy**

When I woke back up this morning, Christmas morning to be exact, I immediately felt sore and in pain. My neck was killing me as I turned my head slowly, my eyes adjusting to the morning light that filled my room. It wasn't until I tried to move that I realized I was practically immobile. Casting my eyes downward, my eyes widened at the sight in front of me as everything from last night and this morning all came flooding back.

Jasper was still resting against me, his breathing steady and calm with our hands still somewhat clasped together. I wondered just how in the world we were able to stay in this exactly same position for hours and hours. Looking at him, he suddenly reminded me of a little boy; vulnerable and scared. A little boy who sought comfort from me. I don't know why or how but somehow, I was able to do it. I was able to help him in some way apparently.

I thought about the look in his eyes, the way his voice sounded when told me he wanted to stay here with me and for me not to ask him any questions. I thought about how tightly he had gripped my hand, holding it as if it was the only thing keeping him together. It was a scary thought, to know that he was in so much pain and I didn't know why he was like this.

Probably the thing I thought the most about however as I continued to lie there was one little thing Jasper did but I couldn't stop thinking about it. When he was holding my hand, he had turned his face, pressing his lips against my palm while neither of us said anything. Now, I know I am not that familiar with being intimate or physical with someone but something about that…well, I'm not even sure you can call it a kiss, was oddly intimate in my mind. However, I'm sure he was just doing to calm down right? I mean, we all had our little quirks and habits maybe that was just one of his. Whatever it was, there was a part of me that wanted him to do it again sometime. Why? Oh, it was pretty simple really. When he did it, whether he meant or not, he made me feel wanted, important at least to him and that was a pretty nice feeling in my book; even if I was just making it all up.

Stretching a bit to see the clock, I saw that it was almost eight in the morning. I didn't really feel like going down there to deal with my family. For one, I knew dad was going to give me another one of his lectures about Jasper being here and secondly, the only person who I really wanted to see wasn't even here so, what was the point? Don't get me wrong, I love my family it's just, dealing with them this morning wasn't really my idea of fun. Yea sure, there were probably gifts down there for me to open but that wasn't really important to. Christmas has never been about the gifts for me than it has been about family. It still my favorite holiday and I can remember countless things about past Christmas' with Carlos and our parents, before everything changed.

_Yes, that's right Lucinda, things have changed. And now here you are, with a hung-over boy who you think actually cares about you. _

I knew it was starting, the internal battle between my thoughts. I needed to get up and moving so I wasn't just lying here, getting lost in my mind. However, it seemed to be a bit difficult being as I had said boy still against me. I wasn't strong enough to move him away from him.

However, none of that seemed to matter the second I heard someone coming up the stairs and towards my bedroom. I prayed desperately that it would anyone but my father. Sometimes, I just need to learn to bite my tongue because _clearly _when you don't want something to happen, it almost always does.

There was no knock at the door, just the quiet crack of it opening and shutting. I had no choice but to glance up and meet my father's glare. No, it was more like an intimidating glare. Intimidating and scary as hell.

"Hey dad" my voice came out tiny and weak as usual when talking to my father.

"Lucinda, he needs to go." he stepped closer to my bed, his eyes not betraying his voice. He was extremely angry. But, dad wouldn't go off right now would he? Not when there was a house full of his relatives downstairs. Besides, dad's a pastor, how angry can he get? It's not like Jasper and I did anything wrong.

Well, that was all wishful thinking because when I didn't answer my father right away, getting caught up in my thoughts again, he snapped "_Lucinda, _now" his voice was tense as he continued to look at me. Never having heard him speak to me in this way, I somehow found the strength to push Jasper away from me far enough to move and get up off the bed. Standing there, I was greatly relieved that the clothing I was wearing was the epitome of plain and normal. There was no way he could get on me about wearing flannel pants and a t-shirt right?

"Are you going to explain to me what's going on here young lady?" I winced internally. Being called young lady insinuated that my father thought I was acting like anything but a lady. "Explain to me why this boy is in your bed still?"

"Where he was supposed to go dad? I told you, he wasn't feeling good and I wasn't about to just leave him out in the rain."

"_Ay Lucinda, _I would've thought you'd have grown out of this. This wanting to take care of every stray dog that comes by."

I narrowed my eyes at my father in disbelief.

"How can you say that _papi_? Jasper is _my _friend and he needed me."

He shook his head "_Mentiras Lucinda, pura mentiras _and you know it."

"He wasn't lying, he didn't show up here with some ulterior motive dad. It's not even like that between us. And…and I would really like it if you stopped treating him as if he's nothing." I could feel a slight tightening in my chest as this argument just kept heating up with each passing second.

"Oh so now this boy comes into your life and all the sudden you're taking his side? For what Lucinda? What good does this boy possibly possess."

"Dad!" I stopped him, my voice louder than before "this has nothing to do with sides! We're friends, that's what friends do. And you…you don't even know him the way I do. He is a good person, I know he is."

"The only thing I see that this boy has done for you is turned you into someone who doesn't resemble my daughter at all."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well for one, he's turning you into a liar. That boy's car isn't outside Lucinda.." he trailed off, assuming I got the point "my daughter is no liar."

To that, I laughed. He really wasn't serious was he? I mean, I knew I was pretty good at hiding things but he couldn't be _that _blind could he? But, by the look of shock on his face, I guess he was. Figures.

"He needs to leave, now."

"_Papi, _he's not even awake…"

"_No me importa Lucinda, _you have family downstairs in the living room wondering where you are and why you have a boy in your bedroom. How do you think that makes me look? I brought you here to protect you and I will not have some boy corrupt you just because you 'see' something in him."

"Dad, it doesn't matter where you go, pain and danger is everywhere…"

That didn't sit well with him at all. I didn't know what he was thinking when he took a few steps towards me but, something inside of me made me take a few steps closer to the bed, closer to Jasper. And that just about did it for my father.

"He won't protect you _mija, _I can tell you that right now. _Ese muchacho solamente quiere una cosa, y una cosa no mas." _

"Why must you think that about every boy dad?? Not every guy is after sex…."

"I know his type Lucinda." God, this man was relentless, like arguing with a brick wall!

"No, no you don't. You don't know anything about him." Okay so granted, I didn't know everything about Jasper but I knew enough to know that there was more to his bad boy façade. There was pain underneath it all, memories he refused to talk about. And there was a reason for it all and I wasn't about to let my father win this battle. I _had _to make him see.

My father opened his mouth to say something but snapped it shut, his eyes casting towards my bed, locking them in place. I followed his gaze, noticing that Jasper had finally woken up and was staring at the two of us with an odd expression on his face while he had his hand pressed over his forehead and eyes. Clearly, he was hung-over and being woken up by two people arguing wasn't exactly what he needed. When he finally lowered his hand, I had no idea what he was going to say.

"God, can't you ever just back the fuck down Mr. Ramirez? Give the girl some credit will you and just leave her be."

Both me and my father did a double take of him. Did he just _defend _me?

**Jasper**

Both Lucy and her father were staring at me like I had completely lost my mind. Slowly, I sat up from the bed, my head throbbing as I stood, taking a few deep breaths as I tried to steady myself.

"How are you feeling?" Lucy completely ignored the death glare her father was giving us. God, this girl was really something. Even in the middle of a heated argument with her stubborn father, she stopped everything to make sure that I was okay. Who does that? This girl was giving me concern and compassion that I didn't deserve what so ever.

I just shrugged "like hell."

"Hell is where the both of you will end up at the rate you're going."

Lucy's eyes widened as if someone had just slapped her and she seemed genuinely petrified at the thought of going to hell. Not like I could blame her. Having a pastor as a father, he probably told her all the horrible things that would happen to her if she wasn't perfect.

"I'm already going there Mr. Ramirez so you know I figure, why the fuck not? I want to have some fun on the way there." god I loved messing with this guy. It was easy to rile him up.

"Well have all the fun you want young man but you won't be doing it under my roof or with my daughter."

"Oh you're not serious are you? Are you still on this whole I'm going to sleep with your daughter kick? God Mr. Ramirez, what kind of girl do you take Lucy for? You need to give her some credit, be proud of her instead of always patronizing her."

"_Perdon_?" I didn't speak Spanish but I was pretty sure that was something along the lines of excuse me.

"Look" I stepped closer to Lucy, our arms almost touching "I've known Lucy for what, four months? Wouldn't you think if you're daughter was this easy, sleep with any guy kind of girl, we would've fu…slept together already?" the thought of saying 'fucked' and Lucy in the same sentence just seemed degrading towards her so I bit my tongue. "Girl has morals and I hardly doubt that someone like me is going to make her change that." I couldn't believe half the shit coming out of my mouth but, I knew that this whole argument was partly my fault. I'm the one who showed up fucking wasted on Lucy's doorstep and she let me in without hesitation to essentially take care of me.

That seemed to do something because his stern glare dropped a bit as he glanced between the two of us, trying to see if I was telling him the truth.

"Oh hell, I haven't corrupted your daughter so stop looking at her like that!" I shook my head, my head pounding harder when I did so "shit." I mumbled under my breath.

"_Bueno_, young man, I still don't approve of my daughter's friendship with you but right now, I would like for you to go home and for Lucinda to come downstairs and spend time with her _familia._"

"Well you know, I sort of walked here so until I can get a hold of someone…"

"Well whenever someone can get you then." He cut me off before turning back towards Lucy "_Pues, vamos Lucinda._"

"Um, dad?" she glanced at her father with hesitation "_y Carlos?"_

In a split second, her father's entire stance faltered and he went from tough, overbearing father to a defeated, scared man. However, it was only momentary as he just shook his head quickly "_ya sabes Mija."_ And whatever the hell that meant, seemed to hit Lucy hard but she kept it in, merely nodding before he walked out of the room. She looked at me shyly, thinking of something to say but I just saved her the trouble.

"I was just saying the truth, nothing to thank me for Lucy." I shrugged.

"I need to take a shower, they'll be expecting me to go down there soon." She made her way to her closet, pulling out things quickly "you..you'll still be here when I come out?"

"I don't plan on going anywhere." I sat back on her bed. Another nod and she shut the door behind her, the sound of water following a minute later. I lay back on the bed, wanting nothing more to fall back asleep. Even in this fucking pink bed, there was something about it that was somewhat comforting to me. Though, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the bed or the color but rather, _whose _bed it was.

_Guess you weren't too wasted last night when you had your revelation about Lucy._

Oh, fuck me that's right! I would be better off leaving right now so I wouldn't have to talk to Lucy about last night. But, leaving would just make me a coward and I sure as hell wasn't going to go down that road.

A few minutes passed when there was knock on Lucy's door. I made no effort to get up and answer it; it wasn't my room. Not like it mattered because the door opened and shut quietly a few seconds later. I looked up slightly and saw a woman standing there, holding of coffee cup in her hand, tilting her head as she stared at me. I had no idea who she was; no doubt some relative of Lucy. Looking at her, I was beginning to wonder if all the women in Lucy's family were attractive.

"I figure you might need this." She handed me the cup before sitting across from me on the bed. I looked at the liquid on the inside, smelling it quickly before a strong scent hit me, making me cringe.

"What is this shit?"

She just laughed "tastes worse but" she shrugged "it works." Taking her word for it, I took a deep breath before swallowing whatever the fuck was in that cup, nearly choking on it as it went down.

"Thanks" I handed her the empty cup. The room fell silent for a minute or two "are you here to lecture me too?"

"_Ay no_" she shook her head "don't worry, my brother has enough rules for everyone in this family. Though, you mess with my niece, I'll personally kick your ass." She nodded towards me and I oddly knew she was telling the truth. "I am however a nosy bitch" she got more comfortable on the bed, laughing "so tell me, were you telling my brother the truth or were you just bullshitting him?"

"How did you.."

"I was standing outside the door, don't change the subject."

"Yea, I was telling the truth. I was so wasted last night, and I somehow ended up here and Lucy let me, crash on her bed."

_And don't forget help you while you were in the middle of losing it._

"Ah, I figured as much. Lucinda would never do anything like that. I swear, I sometimes I think my brother looks at her and thinks she's going to end up like me."

"Like you?"

"I take it she hasn't told you much about our family?" I gave her a knowing glare and she nodded "thought so. Well, I'll give you the quick recap of this family's history. I was the baby of the family, six boys and one girl. My name's Carmen by the way" she threw in there before continuing "anyways, I never stood a chance with you know, being the only girl and the youngest. You think my brother's bad, you should meet our dad. He's still like that; strict, overprotective with his crazy rules."

"Well anyways" she went on "we all had a pretty strict upbringing, me especially but that didn't stop the boys from acting like idiots and what not. But, that all changed when I was thirteen. One of my brothers, he was killed. He was only seventeen, his whole life ahead of him you know? He wasn't even in a gang, just hanging out with the wrong people and the wrong time. After that happened, things changed. My brother, Oscar decided enough was enough and that's he gave his life to God or whatever. Me on the other hand, I completely rebelled to handle my grief. I started drinking, doing drugs and sleeping with whatever guy so much as glanced at me. And" she sighed "six months later, I was pregnant and my mother, being the devout Catholic she is, told me that I was to have this child as a means of learning from my reckless mistake. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my daughter and never thought of her as a mistake but, being a mom at fifteen? Wasn't the easiest thing."

"Wait, loved?" something wasn't adding up here as I listened to her story.

"Yea, my daughter died last year. Like my brother, she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time."

"You're…you're Anna's mom?" I glanced towards the picture on Lucy's nightstand, her aunt following my gaze before a sad smile spread on her face. "Wow, shit, that's got to be rough."

"It was, still is sometimes but I'm dealing with it day by day, I still think about her every day and I always will. She was my baby after all, such a big part of me and I'll always miss her you know?"

"Lucy says she was her best friend?"

"Oh yes, those two were inseparable. But then, Lucinda moved here after…well anyways" she shook her head "that's why my brother acts the way he does. We've seen a lot of loss in our family and on the streets and he's just really protective over her. I'm sure she told you that's why they moved here? To get away from the danger of back home. Though, danger's everywhere, doesn't matter where you live."

"What about her brother?" this woman seemed to know a lot of things, maybe she'd tell me about him.

"Ah, Carlos. The shining beacon of my brother and sister in law's lives." She laughed lightly "What do you want to know?"

"Lucy seems to get a bit…upset when someone mentions him or when she talks about him."

"Yea?"

"Well why?"

Her aunt, for the first time, seemed hesitant "look, Jasper is it?" I nodded "Carlos is a pretty touchy subject for the family, especially Lucinda. She loves her brother more than anything and so does he." When she saw I wasn't satisfied with that answer, she went on "_mira_, where we live Jasper, it's different from here okay? Lucinda's life before moving here was very different than what is now and it has a lot to do with her brother but, it's really not my business."

Well, that didn't make things any fucking clearer now did it? However, I had gained some insight on Lucy's life before here so at least I had that. Almost on cue, Lucy emerged from the bathroom, a bit startled when she saw her aunt sitting on the bed.

"_Tia, _what are you doing?" her aunt stood and embraced Lucy tightly, kissing her cheek before pulling away.

"I was just getting to know your friend _mija_, make sure he's treating you right."

"What?" Lucy winced in embarrassment.

"That and to help him with his hang over." She winked at me. "well, I'll head back downstairs now." She made her exit.

"I uh, hope my aunt didn't make you too uncomfortable." She sighed, sitting on the empty space across from me. "she can be a bit much sometimes."

"It's fine Lucy." I took in her different clothing; jeans, white top and a pink sweater with half her hair pinned back. So simple and yet, there was just something about it, about her that…well, there wasn't time to think about that was there. No, not when I looked up and found her staring back at me, hands folded in her lap, head tilted a little bit.

"Will you stop staring at me like that!" my voice was louder than I intended for it to be and she jumped slightly out her trance, mumbling an 'I'm sorry.'

"Look Lucy, last night I…"

"No" she stopped me quickly "you don't owe me an explanation Jasper. It's fine, really."

Well, she was right. I didn't have to tell her anything. But, I knew if I didn't tell her something, I'd feel like a real asshole.

"No, you took me in without question, the least I can do is explain my fucking emotional rant."

She bit her lip, waiting.

"Granted, I was severely wasted last night but, being drunk doesn't make up memories or give you nightmares." She nodded, saying nothing "Uh, I'm not exactly sure what you may have heard me say but I have an idea as to what it was. And I sure as hell know why. My mom? She died on Christmas Eve last year and I spent Christmas morning in a fucking hospital, alone with no one by my side."

Her eyes softened but no tears fell as she looked at me. But, the pain shone right through that she was feeling.

"And last night, I continued, seeing Carlisle and Esme together, it was all too much and I couldn't handle it. So, I drank, drank to the point of where I could feel nothing. Then I somehow ended up here at your house, then in your bed. I got to be honest with you Lucy, having you just let me have my moment of whatever it was, I sort of needed that, something to keep my mind off of things."

"Well, like I said, I'm your friend Jasper and I'm not going anywhere. So, I'm glad that I could help you in some way. No one deserves to spend Christmas alone. So, even though you were having a rough night, I'm glad you came here and didn't stay out roaming the streets. I'm just…I'm sorry you had to go through that last year, I can't even imagine."

"Yea well, what's done is done right?"

She frowned "I um..I made you something but uh, I don't know if I should give it to you, now that I know about your mom."

Well, technically she didn't really know much about her, other than when she died but I kept my mouth shut. "You made me something?"

"Yea, do you want it? I mean, it _is _a Christmas gift and all."

"Sure." I played it cool, not showing that I was eager to see what it was.

"Ok, hang on." She stood, walking to her closet, pulling out something. Well, pulling out a canvas. It was smaller than the one we had done our project on as she came closer. She handed it to me, her eyes watching my every movement as I turned it around, my eyes focusing on the painting in front of me.

The picture, at first glance was downright eerie and I was sort of confused as to why she had painted this for me. It was a picture of a girl leaning against a headstone while a single red rose lay beside it. There was a house in the background with what looked like fog surrounding the entire thing. The girl in the picture was facing away, her back all but exposed in the red dress she was wearing. She had brown hair, light and almost transparent skin. The closer I looked at it, I saw that the girl in the picture had a striking resemblance to Lucy in some way. It was still fucking creepy but the longer I looked at it, the more I saw that this was Lucy; I mean, her personality. A bit odd but with something beautiful lurking underneath it.

"Do you like it?" she asked anxiously.

"It's uh, interesting Lucy."

"Good interesting I hope?"

"Yes Lucy, you know you're a fucking genius when it comes to painting so why do you even have to ask? Of course it's good. A bit weird but good none the less."

"It's not weird." She pouted "that painting represents one of my favorite stories, The Nightingale and The Red rose?"

"Uh, okay?" I had no idea what she was talking about "well either way, I like it."

"OH" she smiled "good, I'm so happy. I wanted it to be perfect." She seemed content with herself.

"You know Lucy, I should probably get going. I don't want to take up anymore of your family time."

"Oh, okay." She nodded "oh! You don't have a car, right!" she shook her head "Well, I can see if my aunt can take you home?"

"Yea, sure. She didn't seem to hate me."

"Oh, that's just _Tia _Carmen, she's really nosy and loves meeting everyone and knowing everyone's business. But, I love her. She's like the complete opposite of my dad."

I just let Lucy ramble as I put my shoes and sweatshirt back on before making our way downstairs. All of her visiting relatives were sitting in the living room, all their talking coming to halt when they saw us, their heads all turning to look at us. Lucy just acted as if it was nothing but it was a bit for them to be staring at us like that.

"_Me haces un favor Tia?_" Lucy's aunt was up in an instant "can we take Jasper home?"

"Of course, Oscar, I'm borrowing your car." She grabbed the keys off the table before the three of us headed outside. And it was fucking freezing! I got in to that car as fast as possible, trying to not concentrate on the coldness. Lucy gave her aunt the simple directions to the Cullen house before the car fell quiet. It wasn't awkward though which is always a good thing.

When we finally got there, something dawned on me and I knew that it was either now or never.

"Uh, Lucy, can you come inside for a minute?" Lucy looked over at me and then to her aunt who gave her a nod and me a knowing smile.

"Um, okay." She got out of the car and we both walked towards the house. It was nice to find the house nice and warm for once. Carlisle and Esme was sitting in the living room, watching more movies when we walked in. They looked up, Esme smiling when she Lucy with me.

"I'll be right back Lucy." I sprinted up the stairs. Well, a semi -sprint being as I was still a bit hung over. I dug around my room quickly, trying to remember where the hell that box was. Finding it, I made my way back downstairs, hoping Lucy hadn't been forced into some awkward conversation with Esme or Carlisle. Thankfully, she was still standing there alone waiting for me.

"Here Lucy" I practically pushed the small box into her hands. She looked at it and then back up at me, a confused look on her face "oh, just open it."

She hesitantly opened the box, covering her mouth when she saw the bracelet inside "oh, wow" she whispered "Jasper, it's beautiful." She took it out of the box, holding it in her hands gently. "and it's pearls, oh god I don't even…thank you!" she stammered.

"Here" I took it out of her hands "give me your hand" she held it out towards me and, without too much contact, I clasped it around her small wrist, letting it dangle from it. Simple and delicate. Yea, it pretty much summed up Lucy.

"Do you like it?" now it was my turn to be nervous.

"Like it? OH, I love it!" and shocking the hell out of me, she quickly wrapped her arms around me for a split second before letting go "it's amazing!"

I was still reeling from that somewhat hug when she said she was going to head back home and once again thanking me for the gift. I'm sure I told her something about seeing her at school I wasn't too sure. After she was gone, Carlisle and Esme told me they had been waiting so that we could open gifts. I wasn't really for it but, I didn't want to disappoint Esme so I just endured it. I got plenty of nice things but, nothing came close to the gift Lucy gave me. There was just something about it that drew me in, much like everything else about that girl.

Between her defending me to her dad, to her aunt telling me more about Lucy's life, to the exchanging of gifts, it was turning out to be a not so bad Christmas. I wasn't in the fucking Christmas spirit or anything but, at least things were bearable this year. More importantly, at least I hadn't been alone this year. Like Lucy said, no one deserved to be alone on Christmas and for once, I couldn't agree more.

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**Wow, Lucy actually stood up to her dad somewhat. Even better though, Jasper _defended _her and gave her the present! Finally right?? Such complicated characters I know. And things from here on out are going to get even more complicated. Truths are coming closer to the light, things are going to happen while others will be revealed. **

**By the way, remember that painting and the name of the story, it'll come to play later on in the story. **

**Reviews are love as usual. **

**Song: Let the Flames Begin-Paramore**


	16. Leader of the Pack

**A/N: I'm always amazed at the support and love this story gets with each chapter! I hope you all enjoy the next chapter. To my friend Meg, thanks for the inspiration...well, you know where! lol. **

**As always, all I own is Lucy...and whoever else may pop up in this chapter.. **

**

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****Chapter 16: Leader of the Pack**

_**My folks were always putting him down  
They said he came from **__**the wrong side**__** of town  
They told me he was bad  
But I knew he was sad  
That's why I fell for **__**the leader**__** of **__**the pack**_

**Jasper**

The rest of our winter vacation was, unsurprisingly, uneventful. Though, I highly doubt anything could compare to the events of Christmas morning. I wasn't exactly sure of everything that had happened or as to why but what I did know is that things had fucking changed around here.

Since Christmas, Carlisle had been expertly avoiding talking to me while Esme was putting forth an even bigger effort to make me feel a part of her family. Granted, I had nothing against the woman but I would keep finding myself lost in more 'what if' thoughts. Such as, what if Carlisle hadn't been married to Esme when he knocked up my mother…would he have stayed behind? Or, if my mother had shown up on his doorstep, newborn baby in tow, would he deny the whole thing and call her a liar? I suppose more importantly, if he had known about all the shit that went down for most of my life, would he have even cared enough to come help?

It was that last question that kept me awake at night, along with all the other memories that were quickly coming out from the vault, wanting for me to constantly think about it.

I know that she hadn't intentionally meant to do it but, this was all because of Lucy. Me telling her about my mother dying on Christmas along with some other things, it had made me relive those nights over and over again. It was something I had vowed to not think about anymore. I was tired of the memories haunting me, forcing me to think of my what my life really was for all those years instead of the front I put on for everyone.

Speaking of Lucy, things have gone to a completely different place with her. At first, I thought that I had thought these things about her simply because I was wasted and not in my right state of mind. However, once the tequila wore off, I still found myself drawn to Lucy by that damn invisible string. The girl had let me crash on her bed, she stayed with me and then to top if off, she fucking stood up to her father for me. If this girl wasn't a true friend, then I don't know what was.

True friend or not, I was still very guarded when it came to Lucy, _especially _Lucy. She may not know it but, when I'm with her, I sometimes find myself wanting to tell her everything. And then there's times when I don't want to tell her a damn thing, knowing it would only make things too personal and emotional and I'm not sure I could handle that shit. But, I wasn't the only one; I knew Lucy was the same way. We were both definitely fighting something here. Though, what or who we were fighting was the real question.

School, fortunately or unfortunately, resumed a few days after the New Year. Pulling up into the parking lot, the school was abuzz with people just standing around everywhere, talking rapidly and animatedly; no doubt talking about all they did on vacation. Though, I can't imagine what all they had to say and why they felt the need to tell one another. This was a small town, didn't these people see each other over break?

Whatever they're reasoning was, I didn't really care; It had nothing to do with me so I, like always, made my way silently to my first class. As I sat there, waiting for this day to start, I thought about what I would say if someone asked me what I did over break. Would I lie to them, telling them I went somewhere, got laid and had the time of my life? Or, would I tell them about how I got smashed on Christmas Eve and went to the house of my only friend here because I wasn't capable of handling my demons?

_Don't worry about that Jasper. No one's going to ask you anyways. And the one person who would, already knows what went down. _

When lunch rolled around, I was relieved. Lunch meant thirty minutes of sitting with Lucy; sitting with Lucy and not having to put up a front. I hadn't seen her since Christmas morning so I wanted to know what she had been up to.

She was sitting, as usual, at the same table, mindlessly flipping through the pages of a book. She acknowledged me when I sat down, even giving me a smile. "Hey Jasper."

Well, that was something new. Lucy didn't usually start the conversation, let alone start it with a smile.

"How was the rest of your break?"

She shrugged "fine, nothing too exciting. You?"

"The same, nothing much happening over at the Cullen house."

"Yea, my family was here for New Year's so that was fun I guess."

"But it wasn't the same without your brother right?"

She gave me a questioning look, mumbling something about her aunt in Spanish before looking back at me "yea, not the same."

"Have you talked to him lately?"

"Um, no? I don't ever talk to Carlos unless he calls me. Which, that normally isn't very often."

"Why?"

"Why do you care?" the slight edge in her voice was noticeable. I wouldn't exactly say she was giving attitude but more like I had hit the wrong cord with her and she was suddenly pissed. "I mean…well"

"Look Lucy, if you don't want to talk about it, just tell me. I'm not going to force you to tell me things."

"I don't want to talk about it." She sighed, leaning back in her seat.

"Alright." Though I wish she would, I knew better than to push her. So instead, we spent the rest of the time talking about random things, things that were trivial and non-important but, I took what I could. At least she was talking to me.

To be honest, I had been slightly worried that things between Lucy and I were going to be awkward when we came back to school. I mean, seeing your friend sort of doing some weird shit would be enough to get her to just turn and walk the other way. But, not surprisingly, things weren't awkward at all. In fact, Lucy didn't seem to treat me any different; just like I haven't treated her different since that day she fucking freaked by the river.

Our friendship was clearly unconventional but hell, neither Lucy nor myself were exactly normal. So, I suppose our friendship couldn't really be anything _but _odd right?

_Friendship? Are you sure that's all this is?_

I didn't have much of a choice; it had to be just that. Lucy was hell bent over the fact that I wasn't was supposed to 'fall' for her and I had promised her I wouldn't. But, what the fuck was love anyways? It wasn't really something I had ever experienced before. Well, I take it back I guess; my mother did love me in her own way I suppose. If she didn't, things could've been way worse than they were. And the only real girlfriend I ever had was Alice and while I knew she cared about me a lot, and vice versa, I don't really think we were in love. We were a relationship of convenience than anything else. She didn't want to feel left out in our group of friends and I wanted some sense of normalcy. She never knew that though. We both got what we wanted, with a few other benefits.

However, that was neither here nor there right now. The point was, Lucy didn't want me falling for some god forsaken reason and I sure as hell didn't want to fall in love with her either. Not because I didn't think she was unworthy of being love but rather, she deserved someone better than me loving her that's for damn sure; plain and simple.

I spent the entire class after lunch thinking about all this shit. So much so that by the time I had to go to art, I was dead tired; wanting nothing more than to take a long ass nap when I got to the house. Yea, that sounded ideal all the sudden. Walking into the class, I saw that there was someone sitting in my seat, back towards me while they talked to Lucy. Alarm didn't go off at first being as it was a girl talking to her. However, when I saw her reach across, touching something gently on her wrist, I tensed.

"Oh, Lucinda, that's such a beautiful bracelet." The girl's obvious fake kindness shined right through. As I got closer, I saw that it was that same girl from my Science class. The one who had tried to hit on me, and failed horribly "where'd you get it?"

"Um, from a friend." Lucy pulled her hand back away from the girl.

"Who Jasper?" the malice in her voice didn't go unnoticed "you know, you two seem quite cozy these days. People are talking Lucinda…about you know, you and Jasper?"

"They are?" she titled her head "why?"

Oh, this girl was just fucking with her. Lucy was too innocent to get what this girl was doing. It was obvious that she was still reeling over me rejecting her and apparently saw Lucy as some form of competition. Which, that couldn't be further from the truth. I didn't want any kind of relationship; especially the kind I'm sure this chick wanted.

"Last time I checked' I dumped my books on the table "this was still my seat." I glared at the girl, who smiled up at me but it faded when she saw it wasn't working. Without another word, she got up and went to go pout to her friends. Sitting, I saw the wheels already beginning to spin in Lucy's eyes.

"Jasper" she spoke lowly "are people really talking about us?"

I shrugged "I wouldn't put it past them; people around here don't know how to mind their own fucking business."

She narrowed her eyes "well, they shouldn't. They don't know anything about us."

Shit, was she defending me again? What was with this girl?

"Don't worry about them, Lucy. What they think doesn't matter."

Class began soon after that and right away, we were assigned a new project that would be due next week. Perfect. This time though, the project had to do with music and our task was to paint or draw something that reflected the type of music we loved. Personally, I was stumped but as always, Lucy was already going off, rambling things to me, trying to give me ideas. Though we wouldn't be doing this together like the other ones, she was still trying to help me because she knew me and art didn't get along.

The perk of taking art? Some days we just got to sit around for forty minutes and do nothing. Doing nothing was better than talking about art in my book.

Lucy on the other hand was already writing things down, sketching things in her notebook the entire time and she was still talking about it after school when I was taking her home. As much as Lucy rambling about art was getting a bit annoying, I just let her do it because even if she was talking about art, she at least looked happy about it. And Lucy's happiness, that made me look over everything else for the time being.

"I think I want to do something with like a sixties theme. I _love _the music from that era. I mean, the Beatles and all the girl groups" she sighed. "what do you think? What are you thinking about doing for yours?"

"Hell if I know. It's the first day back Lucy. Can we not worry about all the shit we have to do until tomorrow at least?"

"Oh fine _caviloso_." She shrugged, reaching over to turn the heater up a bit. Normally, I hated it when people touch my stuff but for Lucy, I always seemed to make an exception. I watched as she placed her hands in front of the vent, in attempt to get warmer. It had been colder than it had been the past few weeks and Lucy's sweatshirt wasn't really the best thing to be wearing in this weather. That coupled with the fact that she hardly ate didn't help her either.

"You know Lucy, if you'd eat at school, you wouldn't be so cold."

She just shot me a glare before turning back towards the heater "Nice try." She muttered under her breath.

As usual, we reached her house all too soon. It was starting to sprinkle so I got out and walked around to open the door for her to get out.

"You know" I grabbed her hands lightly after I closed the door behind her, and after she relaxed a bit, I brought her a bit closer "There's always another way to warm your hands." I grabbed them between mine and rubbed them together gently. She looked at me funny for a few minutes until she noticed that her hands were in fact getting warm. I had no idea what the hell I was doing but, the moment she gave me a small smile, I had to resist everything inside of me to not just push her up against my car and kiss her, making sure every part of her body was nice and warm. However, with the way she looking back at me, it made me wonder if she'd put up much of a fight.

Ever since that day in the house, I hadn't attempted anything else with Lucy. Why would I, she'd never let me. Then again, that had all been _before _Christmas. Things had to be different now right? If I could see it then she had to see it too right?

Just because I hadn't attempted anything with her, it didn't mean I hadn't thought about trying something. I mean fuck, she was almost always staring at me with those blue eyes, biting that lower lip. What the hell was I supposed to do? I'm only human after all and a man can only take so much temptation. Alright, so Lucy wasn't exactly tempting me on purpose but that was just it. The innocence this girl exuded, damn I couldn't even put it into words what it did to me.

With my hands still in hers, I had the unknown advantage. With the slightest of pressure and movement, I pushed her gently, her back coming in contact with the car door as I closed the few inches that separated me from her. I let go of one of her hands, placing my own on the car beside her head, almost as if I was trapping her, not wanting her to leave.

"Jasper" her voice was a bit shaky "I…we…." she stammered but I just shook my head, all logical thoughts gone from my mind as all I could focus on were those lips. Lips that I so desperately wanted to feel against my own; even if just this once.

She watched me with weary eyes as I continued to glance down on her for a few moments before just deciding to go for it, leaning down closer to her with the smell of those damn berries surrounding me as I got closer.

I was so close, her lips mere centimeters from mine and I could feel and hear the way her breathing had become a bit erratic. She was nervous, I knew she was. Did I care? Well, fuck of course I did; I wasn't _that _much of a heartless bastard. Did it stop me however? Apparently not.

"Jasper" my name was a whisper "Jas.." she began to say it again as my lips hovered about hers, about to get what I had unknowingly been wanted. But, luck is never on my fucking side is it? Right as I about to cover her lips with mine, a sudden noise coming from the right caused Lucy to jerk her head that way, leaving me to just brush against her cheek.

_Oh what the fuck, you're kidding me right? _

As pissed that I was over whatever had caused her to turn away, I wasn't too disappointed because holy hell, her cheek was so warm and soft just as her palm had been the night I kissed that too. Well, at least I was getting closer. Question was, _would _she ever let me get closer to her or was she just going to unknowingly continue to tempt me with those slightly pink lips? Guess time would only tell.

We were still in rather close proximity to each other but that seemed to be the last thing on Lucy's mind as her gaze was still locked on the noise we had heard. Not being able to do much else, I turned my head as well and saw that there was a suddenly a car in her driveway; it clearly didn't belong to her parents being as it was a taxi. And shit, you just didn't see taxis driving around this town.

"Oh god" Lucy whispered when a guy emerged from the back of the taxi, tossing some money at the driver, telling him something before he started walking towards the two of us. It took me a good five seconds to realize who he was; the way Lucy was staring at him, his stance that just screamed this guy was up to no good. Yea, I knew it then.

_Her fucking brother. _

He stood there for a minute before he spoke "_Pues _Lucinda, I just fucking came all the way up here and you aren't even going to give me a hug?" I saw Lucy staring at him for few minutes before a nervous smile formed on her face. She moved out from where she had been basically pinned between me and the car, walking to her brother, flinging her arms around him as he held her close to him.

"What are you doing here Carlos?" she sighed, pulling away from him.

"Came to see you of course." He smiled, stepping a few inches away from her "Who's he?" he looked up to look me square in the eye. And if looks could kill, I'd be a fucking dead man.

"Carlos." She whispered to him, calling his attention back to her before the two of them became fully engaged in a conversation in Spanish. I didn't really know what the hell they're saying but, by the tone of Lucy's voice, it almost sounded like she was warning him. While they talked, I took a better look at this guy and I could see just why their mother would look at me so damn funny. Dressed in dark jeans, white t-shirt black sweatshirt, something about him striked me as a bit off though I couldn't figure out why. His hair was short and he had a striking resemblance to their father and looked intimidating as hell. He looked like he could beat the shit out of me in the blink of an eye.

It was pretty fucking funny to see Lucy speaking to her brother in such a way but, what was even more shocking was to see him hanging on to her every word. He was looking at her like she was the most important thing to him. But, there was something in the way he was treating her. Like he knew exactly where to stand and how close he could get. Whatever it is, he knew how precisely how to deal with it.

I had been right. Whatever had went down in Lucy's past, I knew that her brother would hold the key. However, I highly doubt he'd be as easy to talk to like it was to talk to her aunt.

When all was said and done, he nodded at her, squeezed her shoulder and started walking towards me.

_Shit. _

"So" he crossed his arms "my sister just talked me out of kicking your ass, man so I suggest you come inside so we can talk." It wasn't a question, but rather a statement. He didn't wait for me, he just turned, grabbing his back and started walking towards the House, Lucy waiting for me.

"He wasn't joking was he?"

She just shook her head as we entered the house. Her brother, Carlos set his bag down and went in to pull something out "Lucinda, I bought you something." He smiled at his sister, pulling out a record before handing it to her. Her eyes immediately lit up before quite possibly the biggest smile crossed her face.

"_Ay _Carlos! Where did you find this?!" she hugged her brother once again, almost looking like she was going to cry. I knew Lucy loved music but I didn't think she liked it that much. "oh who cares! I love it!" she pulled away from him, heading to the corner of her living room where there was a record player that I had never noticed before. Putting the record on, music soon filled the living room before she walked towards the kitchen, saying she was going to make Carlos and I something to eat. Though I wasn't hungry, I didn't tell her no.

I sat on one of the couches while he sat on the one kiddy corner to me. I could feel him watching me, sizing me up maybe and I was too much of a fucking coward to look at him. I knew he knew what I had told Lucy on her birthday and how he wanted to come beat my ass then. It was clear he was very protective of his sister and that he loved her very much. And there was no way in hell I was going to say something that would set him off. I knew my limits and this guy definitely could do some damage.

Before anyone could say something, our attention turned towards the kitchen where suddenly Lucy had begun singing along to the record.

_See the way he walks down the street  
Watch the way he shuffles his feet  
My, he holds his head up high  
When he goes walking by  
He's my guy_

_When he holds my hand, I'm so proud  
'Cause he's not just one of the crowd  
My baby's always the one  
To try the things they've never done  
And just because of that, they say_

_He's a rebel and he'll never ever be any good  
He's a rebel 'cause he never ever does what he should  
But just because he doesn't do what everybody else does,  
That's no reason why I can't give him all my love  
He's always good to me,  
Always treats me tenderly  
'Cause he's not a rebel, oh no no no  
He's not a rebel, oh no no no, to me_

_If they don't like him that way,  
They won't like me after today  
And I'll be standing right by his side when they say_

_He's a rebel and he'll never ever be any good  
He's a rebel 'cause he never ever does what he should  
But just because he doesn't do what everybody else does,  
That's no reason why we can't share a love  
He's always good to me  
Good to him, I try to be  
'Cause he's not a rebel, oh no no no_

As the song was finishing, I saw her brother turn back towards me, a smirk on his face when I eventually looked back at him.

"Lucinda has quite the singing voice doesn't she?" I knew this was trick question. If I said no, he'd probably think I was insulting her; if I said yes, he'd think I had I thing for her. So, I did the next best thing. I lied.

"I've never heard her sing until right now."

He sat back a bit, as Lucy brought out the food, handing each of us a plate. "Well, I think she has an amazing talent."

When Lucy sat down, her brother looked at her with a frown "_y porque no estas comiendo Lucinda?"_

"I'm not hungry"

"_Mentirosa_, here eat." He offered her his food but she pushed it away.

"Why are you really here Carlos?" Lucy turned to face her brother more.

"I already told you" he shrugged "I know I fucked up, not coming for Christmas and I wanted to make it up to you."

"How long will you be here?"

"Til tomorrow morning."

"_Ay _Carlos, now who's lying?" her eyes narrowed at her brother, the two of them completely ignoring me for the time being "you wouldn't just come here for day if something…"

"Lucinda" he cut her off "we'll talk about that later alright?"

"But, I…"

"Later" he repeated. When she seemed to be slipping to that dark place, both he and I noticed "Lucinda, you know I don't like talking about it, it only upsets you and that's the last thing I want. _Me entiendes_?" he set his plate down, wrapping an arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

She sighed, defeated but looking better already "fine, later."

"I love you little sister." He laughed "even when you're so nosy like Tia Carmen."

And just like that, Lucy was fine again. How in the hell he did it so fast was beyond me but with each passing second, I was seeing just how close these two were. He knew things about Lucy that I didn't but more importantly, he knew how to handle it and make her feel better.

"Now" he turned towards me "look, Jasper is it?" I nodded "_bien_, Jasper I'm just going to tell you this once. If you _ever_ say anything like you did to my sister again, I won't even think twice about coming back here and personally make sure you never see her again."

The coldness in his voice mirrored mine from Thanksgiving when I had threatened Edward over almost the same thing. I guess I wasn't the only one who felt a surge of protectiveness when it came to Lucy. Though, it made more sense that for him to feel that way than for me.

"Carlos" Lucy grabbed her brother's arm lightly "what are you doing?"

"You really think I'm going to let this asshole mess with you Lucinda? I don't fucking think so."

"Look, I'll admit that I screwed up majorly that day but, that's in the past now, man. And I have no intention in hurting your sister. I might be fucked up but hurting Lucy isn't something I plan on doing. And I don't need you, or anyone else threatening me alright?" the confidence I had sorely been lacking had come back full force.

"You don't know shit about me!" he stood and I did the same "you have no idea. The things I've seen, you have no fucking idea."

"You don't know anything about me either. This" I gestured around is "has only been my life for six months so don't fucking assume you know me either."

"_Mira_" he stepped closer to me, looking like he wanted to punch the shit out of me "I don't care who you are or where you're from. All that matters to me is that my sister's safe…"

"Enough you two" Lucy's tiny frame had somehow wedged between us "you both need to stop it." She held one hand against her brother while the other was touching her chest lightly.

In a blink of an eye, the burning fury in his eyes was replaced with fear and concern.

"Oh, shit. Here Lucinda, sit down." He grabbed Lucy's hand but she didn't budge "Lucinda" he repeated her name, watching her.

"Please stop fighting" she whispered. He looked up at me and I shrugged. I had no intention in fighting with him; I was just defending myself.

"No one's fighting Lucy" I went along with him. After a few minutes, she seemed to be calming down before excusing herself to the bathroom. As much as I didn't want to talk to him anymore, I couldn't hold back the question that had been nagging me all afternoon. "how do you do it Carlos?" I looked back to the bathroom, the door still closed "How do you calm her down so fast?"

He looked at me, eyebrows furrowing in confusion "you've seen her like that before?"

What the hell kind of question was that? My silence gave him his answer before he sighed and sat back down. "shit, man. Lucinda never lets people see her like that."

"That doesn't answer my question. How do you do it? You can calm her down so fast, like it's nothing."

"It's simple, Jasper. Look" he leaned forward, "you have to apologize without actually saying the words. More than that, you have to speak to her normally, not treat her like she's weak or below you. When she rambles, let her; if you try and stop her, it'll only make it worse. And when she gets her panic attacks, make sure if she doesn't calm down right away, she gets some water and sits down until her breathing returns to normal. When she's scared, she shakes and you gotta get her something sweet in her system fast."

I was shocked at the amount of information he was telling me and even though I was glad to have some answers, I was wondering why he was telling me.

"I may not like you but, I can see that you're someone Lucy trusts a lot and that's something rare to come by with my sister and she's all that matters to me. So, instead of being at odds with you, I'm going to ask you a favor instead."

What the hell? "Go on"

"Since I can't be here with her, making sure things are okay can you promise me that you'll take care of her Jasper? I know you two aren't dating or anything but, I know that you wouldn't let anything happen to my sister. You're relentless like I am." He laughed and I couldn't but agree as well. "so, what do you say?" he stood, outstretching his hand towards me.

"Deal or not, I'd still make sure no one fucks with Lucy." I shook his hand regardless. "you know, you're not that bad of a guy Carlos. You know, minus the whole wanting to beat the shit out of me."

He laughed again, dropping my hand "_Es nada_. I just wanted to see if you could handle the pressure. Well that, and I have a pretty bad temper. Though, I suppose if you've lasted this long with our father, you're pretty tough. I know he can be a real pain in the ass sometimes."

"You got a point there." Before we could talk anymore, Lucy had come back from the bathroom, looking much better. Being as no one was threatening the other anymore, the three of us actually had a decent conversation as I listened to Carlos tell me countless stories about him and Lucy growing up in California and all the things they used to do. However, in all the things he talked about, he never once mentioned Lucy and their parents coming here or as to why they did which, that's what I really wanted to know. But, I took what I got and I actually learned a few things about Lucy and her family.

"So Carlos, what do you do?" Lucy's eyes flickered with fear for a second but he didn't even blink twice before answering.

"I work with my uncle at his car garage. I mean, it's hard labor and the pay's kind of shitty but it's a job and it's money."

I nodded though I didn't quite understand. If he was working in someplace like a car garage, then how was it that he couldn't move with his family? What was so important that he had to stay in Los Angeles? Things weren't really adding up. Especially when I thought back to when Lucy freaked by the river and how was yelling about how she was the reason that her brother couldn't move with them. Well, what the hell did she have to do with it and what he did for a living? Fuck, I was confused. I wanted answers but I knew I wasn't going to get them.

He didn't ask much about me other than how and why I moved here. Like he said, he wasn't looking to be my best friend, he just wanted me to make sure Lucy was safe and okay. There was something about her brother though. Like Lucy, there seemed to be something lurking behind his eyes; a secret maybe? Whatever it was, I'm sure it had to with Lucy and their life before she moved here.

Hours passed and soon, it was time for me to leave, knowing that their parents were going to be in for a big surprise when they saw their son so I figured it'd be best if I was gone when they got here.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow Lucy." I stood, grabbing my things.

"Thanks for everything Jasper. See yah." She waved at me, a small smile on her face and once again, the urge to just want to kiss her came right back. However, I had to put that thought in the back of my mind.

"Well, it was nice meeting you Jasper. I still mean everything I said to you though." Carlos approached me, offering me another handshake.

"Likewise" I shook it, silently telling him I would keep my promise to him and keep his sister safe. Safe from what, I wasn't exactly sure but I was going to do my best to do what I could. She was my friend after all and that's what friends did; help them out when they truly needed you. Regardless of what we were doing or had planned, if Lucy were to need me, I'd drop it to help her. And that was that.

Leaving their house, I thought about the things he had told me about Lucy; about what do when she got in that bad place. I would have to keep that in mind. She hadn't gotten bad like that in awhile but, I didn't know when it would happen again.

Though I had promised her brother, I was wondering just when and if something would happen where I'd have to put everything aside to help Lucy out. If that day ever came, I would do it, no questions asked. I just really hoped I wouldn't have to though because that would mean that she'd be hurt or in some kind of pain and I honestly didn't know if I could handle Lucy being hurt. It might me too much for me. After everything that happened last year, I had sort of become numb to things but, Lucy was important to me as I was slowly coming to realize.

She was my only friend, someone who I trusted and vice versa so the least I could do was make good on the promise to her brother; and that's really all I could do. What else could I give her? Not only did she not really want anything more than friendship but, I didn't even know if I was capable of caring for someone beyond the point of friendship. As fucked up as that seemed, I was just going to have to make it work.

* * *

**Well, I don't know about you but I was way excited that Carlos finally showed up, even if for a day. Carlos and Jasper do have some similarities going on here. I hope the song choices make sense...they sort of tie in to both boys I think. And they happen to be some great girl group songs from the sixties and I love them!! **

** I'm glad this chapter came out when it did because from this point out, things are going to....well, get a bit more intense. **

**Something major happened in this chapter; the promise to keep Lucy safe? Yes, remember that. **

**Your thoughts are love!  
**


	17. The Way She Feels

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I was glad to see that so many of you took a liking to Carlos. He was a rather interesting character to write to say the least. **

****I debated for awhile but, I finally came to conclusion that this chapter had to come with a bit of a warning; this chapter deals with something that I know some people aren't necessarily comfortable reading or thinking about so, just to let you know now** **

**To my girls Meg, Perla, Diane and Lindsey who all at some point read a rough draft of this chapter and helped me when I was freaked out about writing it. You girls are amazing!**

**

* * *

****Chapter 17: The Way She Feels**

**  
All alone the way she feels  
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief  
Bite the lip, just forget the bleeding**

**Then she closed her eyes  
And found relief in a knife  
The blood flows she cries**

**Curled up she's on the floor  
Relief left her she had hoped for something more  
From it (hoped for something more)**

It was Tuesday.; the second day back from winter break. Already though, there was two fucking papers and a new damn art project that were due in the next coming weeks. I complained up and down about the papers but the art shit? That I didn't say a word about. Why? Simple; me complaining about didn't really sit well with Lucy. Oh, she'd never tell me to my fucking face but it was clear that it almost pained her when I said something bad about it. She, as always, was extremely excited about this new project. She had rambling on the entire way to her house yesterday about it, even talking about it to her brother. It was obvious her brother was no fan of it either but, he just sat and listened to her. The more I thought about it, I was coming to realize that Carlos and I had much more in common other than his sister. She was the major thing we had in common but there were a few things here and there that I noticed.

You'd have to be an idiot to not see that Lucy is a genius when it comes to this art shit. The only thing I really contributed to our last project was when she asked me questions about colors and other useless things. But, she didn't seem to mind. Seeing Lucy paint was very entertaining to me. She would usually get wrapped up in her own little world, listening to all that music of hers. All I ended up doing was cutting up all those pieces of paper and making a fucking mess with all that glue but, the end result was worth it I suppose, we got the highest grade in the class. Though, the grade didn't matter to Lucy, it was the finished product that she was most proud of.

But, that was yesterday and none of that really mattered right now. Because today, I didn't get to see Lucy. She didn't show up to school today at all which immediately set off a trigger in my head. Lucy _never _missed school. School was like her escape. Even though she never really talked to anyone, she was at least able to get a change in scenery. Besides, she was so damn smart so she actually enjoyed learning new things.

I wanted nothing to leave during lunch when she didn't show up. Even on her bad days, she would still show up. I knew I couldn't because within the hour, Carlisle would find out and he'd probably end up taking my car from me. And, that wasn't about to happen. That car was my life these days. It was _my _escape.

So, as soon as school let out, I drove the now familiar route to her house. I breathed a sigh of relief and anxiety when I noticed that her parent's cars weren't in the driveway. I quickly got out and sprinted to her door. I knocked on it a few times, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited. When there was no answer, I frowned. Just for the hell of it, I grabbed the doorknob and turned it. But, a wave of fear went through me when I found it to be unlocked and I was able to just walk in.

If someone was in here, if someone was hurting Lucy so help me God…

But, there was no sign of anyone in the house. It was quiet, too quiet.

"Lucy?" I called her name as I walked around the first floor of her house. Getting a funny feeling, I made my way upstairs, walking slowly down the hallway until I reached her bedroom door. I didn't bother knocking on it, I just walked right in.

"Lucy?" I called her again. There was no response but, what I did hear were small sobs coming from somewhere in the room. I looked around the room. Her bed was still unmade and there was an open math book on her bed. Everything was extremely odd. Before I was able to call her name, a loud gasp came from behind me and I quickly turned around and, I about fucking flipped when I saw her.

Lucy was sitting on her floor, her back against her vanity and she was shaking from head to toe. She was still in her pajamas even though it was the middle of the afternoon. Her hair was down and a tattered mess. But, the closer I looked at her, I saw that she was holding something in her hand and everything else seemed to fade into the background.

"Lucy, what the fuck are you doing?" my voice was anything but calm but she just looked up at me emotionless, as if I hadn't just yelled at her.

"Make them stop Jasper. I don't want to hear the voices anymore." She said shakily, squeezing her eyes for a second, her bottom lip trembling.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I grabbed her arm and easily stood her up on her feet while trying to grab the object out of her hands but she quickly moved it away from me.

"No!" she screamed "This is the only way they'll stop…" she cried. Before I could register it, I saw her take the object, which I saw now was a protractor and bend down to drag it roughly across her leg, her face twisting in horrible pain before turning away from me. I took advantage of the moment and came up behind her and grabbed her hand in mine and tried to pry the damn thing from her hands. But, she clenched onto it tighter, digging it deeper into her skin. For such a small girl, her grip was iron tight on the damn thing.

"Get off of me!" she pushed me but I didn't budge "You don't know what it's like Jasper…you don't know!" she tried to push me again but it was to no avail. I tried to get closer to her, and I could feel something warm seeping onto my hand. I didn't dare look down; there was no need, I knew it was fucking blood. _Lucy's blood_.

"Lucy, I swear to god if you don't stop this shit right now…" I finally was able to grab it tightly enough where I could pry it from her hands. When I had my hands on it, I threw it to the other side of the room, far away from her. Once it was out of her hands, she collapsed to the floor, tears wracking her body as she buried her head in her blood covered hands. It was like something out of a fucking horror film and it was quickly becoming too much.

I dropped down to her side after a few moments, carefully pulling her hands away from her face so I could look at her. Her eyes were completely void and she was just staring blankly at me.

"Lu…" I began but stopped when her eyes narrowed at me in confusion "come on Lucinda, get up." I tried to move her but she shook out of my grasp. I tried to get her again but she wasn't having it. And sitting down here on the floor was giving me a bird's eye view of the blood seeping down her leg.

It was disgusting and I suddenly had this extremely unsettling feeling in my stomach. But, I knew exactly why. I fucking hated the smell of blood. And being here on the ground with Lucy, I was suddenly thrown back to those days; those days that I had hoped to never think about again.

"Get up." I grabbed her arm tightly and brought her to her feet, my patience suddenly gone. "Sit." I practically shoved her onto the chair in her bedroom. She didn't say anything, she just sat there, her eyes watching my every movement. I threw off the t-shirt I was wearing, silently relieved that I had decided on wearing two today, and pressed it against her leg, trying to stop the bleeding.

I had the slightest idea as to what I was doing but, I wasn't a doctor and Lucy definitely needed to be treated properly.

"Lucinda, I think we need to get you to the hospital. Or at the very least, get you to see Carlisle."

"No" her hoarse voice pleaded with me "No one can know Jasper. Especially your father!" She bit her lip and stared up at me. And, even though I knew she had completely gone off the deep end just now, I just nodded like an idiot. If she didn't want to go, I sure as hell wasn't going to force her. Even if it was what should be done.

"Fine." I snapped "Hold this against you leg then." I grabbed her hand and placed it on the shirt so she could keep it in place while I searched for something to clean this up.

_What the hell are you doing? That girl needs medical attention. She gives you that look and you suddenly give in to her? What is this Jasper?_

"Fuck if I know." I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts.

I walked into her bathroom and searched her medicine cabinet and underneath her sink. Thankfully, she had a first aid kit. Why the hell she had a first aid kit in her bathroom was beyond me but I was just so damn relieved that I didn't care. Opening it, I saw that there was medicine and some bandages that I could use. Grabbing a towel, I made my way back out into her room. She still had the towel held against her but, her head was drooping a bit, like she was going to fall asleep.

"Oh, no Lucinda, you keep your ass awake." I tapped her face not so gently and her head shot up. I knelt down beside her, moving her legs gently so that I was able to kneel in between them. I tried not to breathe in so much as I removed the now bloody shirt. I put some medicine on the towel and began dabbing the cut gently. She hissed in pain and I quickly looked up at her and shot her a warning glare that read _'you did this, so deal with it.' _Yes, it wasn't very nice of me but, if I was going to have to deal with this shit right now, I wasn't going to pretend to be happy and calm about it.

Ten minutes later, I got the bleeding to finally subside. After making sure there was enough medicine on it, I grabbed some of the bandages and placed them over it. I still had one hand on her thigh when I cautiously glanced up at her. She had been quiet the entire time but when I saw her face, it just about shattered me.

She still had huge tears rolling down her face and her eyes were carrying a tremendous amount of guilt and disgust. She looked like she was about to open her mouth and apologize but I cut her off.

"Don't even think about saying you're sorry Lucinda. Because we know very well that you aren't. You knew what you were doing…you did this to yourself." I reminded her and a look of realization crossed her face and she nodded slowly.

I looked back down at the now bandaged cut and not knowing what came over me, I leaned down and quickly kissed the bandage. You know, the way a mother does when her kid has fallen and scraped their knee? I kept my lips there for a few moments, shutting my eyes and trying make sense of all this.

"God, Lucy you're so fucking stupid." I mumbled against her leg before I lifted my head and stood up. I held my hand out to her and helped her stand up. She held on tightly to my hand as she limped over to her bed.

"Wait" I stopped her "Lucy you're a fucking mess." I went back and grabbed one of the extra towels. She had some blood on her face from when she had covered it with her hands. With as little contact as possible, I removed as much of it as I could. Her eyes were shut as I ran the towel over her cheek and a little bit near her eye. When I was done, I threw the towel with the other and helped her to her bed.

She still remained silent once she was lying down, but something inside of me couldn't bring myself to leave her. So, I grabbed that chair of hers and pulled it up alongside the bed. We sat there in complete silence for what seemed like forever before I saw lean over to grab that Ipod of hers.

"Lucy, what the hell were you thinking?" I stared at her. She just shook her head, sliding her fingers across the device, looking for a song obviously. When she found it, she motioned me to come closer so she could put the headphones in my ears. She hit play and leaned back a bit but she was still close enough so that her hand was right beside mine. I sat there and listened to the song and just sighed deeply as I listened to the lyrics.

_I may seem crazy  
Or painfully shy  
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden  
If you would just look me in the eye  
I feel alone here and cold here  
Though I don't want to die  
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside_

_I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut  
Pain  
I am not alone  
I am not alone_

_I'm not a stranger  
No I am yours  
With crippled anger  
And tears that still drip sore_

When the song was over, I slowly pulled out the headphones and placed them beside her on the bed. She didn't say anything. She knew I wouldn't question her though. She had just explained to me what was going through her head, like always, through her music. And, even though I knew it was an unconventional way to communicate, this was the only way I could get things out of Lucy sometimes.

"I'm so tired" she whispered weakly.

"I know Lucy" I pressed my hand quickly against her forehead. She didn't have a fever and she wasn't shaking anymore so, I knew she would be okay if she fell asleep for a little while "Get some rest alright."

"You won't leave me?"

I just patted her hand gently, assuring her that I wasn't going anywhere. That was enough for her and she shifted slightly so she could get more comfortable. She must've been really tired because within ten minutes, she was in a deep sleep. I leaned forward so that I could rest my chin on top of my clasped hands.

And, before I knew it, I felt something sliding down my face.

_One single fucking tear. _

I hadn't cried over anything in such a long time. I had somewhat grown numb to things. I just wasn't fazed by things like this anymore.

Shaking my head, I looked down at her bandaged cut and sighed deeply.

_What kind of shit did you get yourself involved in?_

I spent a good two hours sitting beside Lucy, who had remained in a deep sleep the entire time, when my phone started to ring. I didn't feel like talking to anyone at the very moment but when I saw it was Esme calling, something told me I should answer it.

My voice was hoarse and quiet when I answered it.

"Jasper honey what's wrong? Are you okay?" her voice was immediately full of concern.

"I'm fine Esme." I stood and walked away from the bed "I'm…I'm with Lucy."

"Tell me what happened Jasper." she knew right away something was up. Maybe it was some maternal instinct. Odd, being as neither Lucy nor I were her children.

I glanced back over at Lucy "She's not feeling too good right now."

"Well what happened?"

"She was just having…well, she was having a bad day." that wasn't a lie "she's asleep right now but I don't think I should leave her alone."

"Oh, of course not honey. You stay with her for as long as need be. I'm sure she could really use you right now dear."

"Yea, ok." I couldn't think of much else to tell her. Hanging up, I thought about Esme. Even over the phone, it felt like she knew something was off. I was pretty certain that she knew I hadn't told her the entire truth but she didn't press it. It was like to her, all that mattered was that I was here with Lucy; _her _well being came before anything else. It was clear that with each passing day, Esme's fondness of Lucy was growing. She cared about this girl a lot.

_And you Jasper? Do you care about her that much too? _

Lucy was my friend; a friend who had just done a really fucked up thing to herself and she may not tell me right away but she was going to explain it to me herself.

As I continued to sit there, I wondered just as to why I couldn't find it in me to just get up and leave. After all, this wasn't my problem, it was hers. Since when did I become so weak and defenseless when it came to Lucy?

_Oh, you know exactly why you're still here right now_.

Oh, fuck that was right. A mere twenty fours ago, I had a promise to her brother; a promise to keep her safe. Well, I had already fucking failed. This, Lucy lying in bed with a huge gash on her leg didn't exactly fall into the whole 'keeping her safe' category. On the other hand, by me staying here with her, it meant that she couldn't do anything else while I was here. Which, I guess that was in some way protecting her. When Carlos had asked me, I wondered if he knew something like this would happen. Had he meant to protect her from herself as well?

So many questions, not enough fucking answers.

I knew that her parents would be coming home sometime soon so I thought it'd be best to get rid of everything that had blood on it. But before I could do any of it, I heard the cars pulling into the driveway and I knew I was screwed.

Well, I wasn't but Lucy was about to get a lot of shit from her parents for both having me in her room and for having all these blood stained towels.

"Lucy" I shook her gently. I didn't want to wake her up but these weren't my parents, they were hers "your fucking parents are here." at that, her eyes immediately shot open, dread filling them.

"Oh god what do I do?" she looked helplessly at me "they're going to see everything…"

Well no shit they were "they're already here" I told her as we heard voices filling the living room and then making their way upstairs.

"Lucinda why is that boy's car outside…" her father came in first, a look of utter disapproval on his face when he saw me "well, is this going to become a habit young man? Because I assure you, you being in my daughter's room twice now…"

"Lucinda!" her mother cut him off as she practically shrieked, running over to Lucy on the other side "_que paso?_" she pressed her hand against Lucy's forehead "why are you still dressed like that?"

"I uh…" her eyes shifted from me to her parents "I fell." she said simply.

"You fell? _Ay Lucinda por dios_…look at your leg." her mother shook her head, kneeling to get a better look at it "we should take you to the doctor."

"No!" Lucy sat up more "Jasper helped me take care of it."

"And just what exactly happened? And why is he here?"

"Well, after you both left, I realized that it looked like rain so I called Jasper and asked him if he could give me a ride to school. I took a really quick shower and the floor was a bit wet and I fell…."

"Are you telling me that he found you in the shower?" her father was less than pleased. I shrugged; this was Lucy's story, not mine. Though, the thought of it wasn't so bad. Minus all the fucking blood of course.

"Well, I was already half dressed" she added "when I didn't open the door, Jasper came in and he found me. I was bleeding a lot so he helped me."

"So the two of you missed school today?" what the fuck? What kind of question was that?

"I'll catch up tomorrow dad."

"Well, thank heavens you came Jasper." her mother looked at me, with that same look in her eyes again. This time though, I knew she was thinking about her son.

"Elena." her husband called her attention back to her "please do not condone the boy. Have you not forgotten that he has been here all day with our daughter?"

"Mr. Ramirez please" I stood back up "Lucy's been asleep most of the day. You really think I'd try something like that with her?"

"Well last time you were _in _her bed.."

"Dad, we already talked about that!" Lucy defended me again "he was just taking care of me. What's so wrong with that? Would you have rather he not come in and have me bleed all over the bathroom floor?"

Wincing briefly, I looked away from them. I didn't even want to think about that scenario. No, no fucking way.

"Oh Lucinda don't be so overdramatic." her father shook his head. "Yes, I am thankful that your friend here was able to help you but, that still doesn't make it right for him to be here all the time. Young man" he turned to face me "I would very much appreciate it if you didn't come to this house anymore…"

"Are you fucking serious?" that was just ridiculous "that's a bit extreme don't you think?"

"I know how boys like you function and I will _not _have my daughter getting any more involved with you."

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ, you're ridiculous you know that?" the look on his face was priceless "what are we five? You honestly think that I'd fuck your daughter in your house? No, do you really think she'd let that happen? I told you, Lucy isn't stupid. She's not going to let that shit slide. We're friends…"

"I think you should leave" his voice was strained.

"Oscar, _vamos_." Lucy's mother grabbed her husband's arm and started to pull him towards the door.

"Twenty minutes young man and you better be out of my house. _Me entiendes?" _even I had to admit, Lucy's father was fucking intimidating as hell when the time called for it.

Once they were gone, Lucy looked absolutely petrified.

"You don't deserve that from him, I'm sorry."

"He has an odd way of showing thanks but, now I only have twenty minutes for you to give me answers."

"Answers for what?" she seemed hesitant.

"Were you" I sighed "were you trying to kill yourself?" the question was blunt but there was no way to sugarcoat what she had done.

"No, not really."

"What do you mean not really? It's either a yes or no question, there's no in between."

"I changed my mind." she shrugged. When she saw me still confused, she continued "have you ever wanted to die Jasper?" an odd question but she waited silently for my answer.

"Yes" I said without hesitation. "why?"

"Have you ever tried it?"

I nodded quickly.

"What stopped you?"

"It wasn't fucking worth it. Dying means everyone and everything else would win and I wasn't about to give up _my _life because everything around me was screwed up. Lucy, what the hell is this? What does any of this have to do with you?"

"This morning, I wanted to die…desperately" her voice lowered "I had it all planned out. I knew that my parents wouldn't be home for hours and if I could just get one good cut and it was deep enough, that's all it would take. But then, something happened.."

"Which was what?" I pressed.

"I sat for hours on the floor, debating where and what to use. Once I finally had it all figured out, I just needed to get the courage to do it. But then, something stopped me. Rather, someone stopped me."

"Who?" I was really hoping she didn't say me.

"Carlos." she sighed "and just thinking about that one person and how devastated they'd be if I died, it was enough to get me stop."

"But you didn't stop Lucy, you still fucking did it. And you were talking about hearing voices."

"I know. Just because I decided not to go through it, I still wanted the pain Jasper. I wanted to _feel _something, even if for just a few moments. And the voices, they were those good and bad voices you know? With one telling you to do it while the other said to stop. I guess the bad won this time." she sighed.

"Lucy that isn't healthy you know that right? If you're hurting yourself…"

"It was just this once Jasper, I promise." she was fucking lying to me I knew it but I didn't say anything. For all I knew, this could've been the second or tenth time she had done something like this. Maybe not in this form, but I'd bet anything that she had intentionally hurt herself before.

"If you say so Lucy." that's all I could give her. She had given me answers to my questions. If I believed them or not, I wasn't so sure but at least I had gotten something out of her. "I guess I should get going before your dad really tries to shoot me."

She just frowned "Jasper?"

"Yea?"

"Thank you…for being there for me today, and staying with me. You're a really good friend to me."

"It was nothing Lucy, like you said…I was just taking care of you right?"

"Right. See you tomorrow?"

"Yea, ok." I grabbed my keys and walked out of her room, down the stairs where her parents were sitting. They didn't say anything to me and neither did I. I quickly left the house, driving away as quickly as possible.

I wasn't that surprised to find Carlisle and Esme waiting for me when I got to the house. Every time something happened with Lucy, they would be there on the couch with a million questions.

"How's Lucy?" Esme was first to speak when I barely sat down. I thought briefly about Lucy and all her talk about routines somehow made sense. Odd as it seemed, sitting around the living room talking _about _Lucy was quickly becoming a routine for me.

"She's better."

"Her father called me and told me that she fell." Carlisle glanced at me.

"Yea, she did."

"He said she fell this morning and that you were with her. But, Edward said that you were at school today, Lucy wasn't but you were. Something's not adding up Jasper so do you care to explain it?"

"No, not really."

"If there's something going on that you should tell me about, I think you should."

"There's nothing to say. Yes, she fell and yes I was there to help her after school."

"Then why would she say…"

"How the hell would I know?"

"Something seems a bit suspicious. I mean, I'm the one who treated her when she fell out of the tree…"

_Oh, fuck. _

Carlisle and Esme's conversation suddenly blurred into the background as I thought about his last statement. Oh, I knew it! I knew she didn't just fall out of that tree. She had _jumped._ She had tried to hurt herself then too.

What the hell was going on in that girl's head? What could be so wrong that she had tried to either kill or hurt herself? And how was it that just thinking about her brother was enough to make her stop? Things once again made no sense.

But, tomorrow was a new day. And, if Lucy showed up at school, I was going to try and get some more answers out of her.

_And if she gives them to you what are you going to do then? Help her? Come on Jasper, you know you can't even handle your own demons…_

My issues had nothing to do with Lucy's.

Simply put, she was my friend and I was fucking curious; more than ever.

Plain and simple; there were no other underlying reasons or emotions, right?

Oh, I sure fucking hoped not.

* * *

**This chapter by far has been one of the hardest and easiest things I've ever written. The conversation, events, it's all highly personal to me…but, real life experiences often times result in some amazing drama. And it's my hope that's what happened here. **

**Your thoughts, as always, are much and greatly appreciated. **

**Playlist:**

**The Way she Feels- Between the Trees**

**Cut-Plumb  
**


	18. PinUp

**AN: Thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing last chapter. I was so nervous so your support means the world to me. **

**Thanks to my girls, who always help me. **

**As always, all I own is Lucy. **

* * *

**Chapter 18: Pin-Up**

**You're not the first girl  
To cut her fears in her arms  
Then let them trickle down  
Past memories to pools in your hands  
You can hang yourself with your heartstrings  
Cause I know you wont use them to hold yourself up anymore**

**Jasper**

Much like yesterday, today passed in complete and utter torture.

Lucy, even though she said she was, didn't show up again. Immediately I thought the worst but something inside of me told me that things were fine and that I just needed to keep my ass at school.

So, not only did I have to face another school day virtually alone but, there was non-stop gossip floating around the school as to why Lucy wasn't in school.

_Yea, only when she's fucking gone do people take notice._

But, as I passed lunch alone in our spot and sat through Art alone at our table, I realized something; and it wasn't good.

I was beginning to see that without Lucy around, I couldn't function.

Which only meant one thing. It meant that I was starting to become _dependent _on her.

I had made a promise to myself to never become dependent on someone again and I'll be damned if I was going to let myself go down that road again.

_Well, then you're shit of luck. Whether you know it or not, you're already down that path, making your way towards the end of the tunnel my friend. _

Every small touch, every time she looked at me with those blue eyes, her half smiles….

"Oh, fuck." I mumbled.

"What was that Mr. Hale?" I turned my head at the sound of my name, seeing the art teacher glaring at me, a scowl on her face.

Shit. Was she talking to me?

"Nothing." I shrugged. She just turned around and continued doing nothing.

When the bell rang, I was out of there like a bat out of hell. I didn't want to spend another second in this place. I beat everyone to the parking lot and got out of there before I got stuck. I had intentions of driving right over to see Lucy for a few hours before her parents showed up and kicked me out again. But, somehow I ended up not going that way. Instead, I ended up right in front of Esme's flower shop.

_You know what you need to do idiot. _

Sighing deeply, I got out of my car and walked into the shop. There was no one in there which I was silently grateful for.

"Jasper!" Esme's sweet voice called me from behind the counter "What are you doing here sweetie? Is everything okay?"

"Yea, everything's fine. I um…well, I need some fucking help." I confessed. She frowned a bit at my use of language but got over it in a few seconds.

"What do you need?" she smiled, coming around and standing closer.

"I need some flowers." I pointed out the obvious. Why else would I be in a flower shop? A sly smile came across her face and I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. She was such a woman sometimes.

"For Lucy?"

I nodded.

"Well you came to the right place. What kind of flowers did you have in mind Jasper? Roses maybe?"

"Roses? Well, shit…" I rubbed the back of my head "I don't think so."

"Oh!" she got my drift "There are more than just red roses Jasper." She laughed, like I was supposed to know that or something "Come on, we'll find her the perfect ones."

"How about lavender?" she suggested. "They mean that you're enchanted by someone."

"No" I said quickly. This was no fairy tale and I was no fucking prince.

_But, you protect Lucy as if she's your princess….you ass. _

"Well, what exactly are you trying to say here with the flowers?"

"I want them to say that I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

"I sort of lost my temper with her yesterday and I just wanted to tell her I was sorry."

That was partially true. I _did _lose my temper with her. Just, not for the reason that everyone thinks.

"Oh." She whispered and thankfully, she didn't press any further "Well, then I'd go with the yellow ones. They say I'm sorry."

After a quick thank you, she handed me the flowers and I was on my way.

I had to hand it to Esme. She sure knew what she was talking about it. And, even though she was so unnaturally accepting, she wasn't naïve.

She knew there was more to the situation last night when I was telling her and Carlisle. But, unlike her husband, she chose not to press me for answers. She had been rather perceptive the first time she met her.

Even if Lucy wasn't her daughter, she was worried about her. She was always constantly asking me things. Casually of course, so as she didn't seem like she was prying.

When it came down to it, Esme was a pretty cool step mom.

By the time I got to Lucy's house, it was almost four. Which only gave me about two and half hours of undisturbed time with her.

Knocking on the door, I suddenly realized that she might be sleeping or immobile upstairs. If that was the case, I was screwed. Well, I could always break in to her house but that might scare her and I wasn't going to do that.

I was about to knock a third time when the door slowly opened.

_Shit._

"Hello Jasper." Lucy's mom greeted me with that same timid look on her face. I swear, this lady must think I was going to pull a knife on her or something.

"Hi Mrs. Ramirez. Is Lucy home?" she glanced up at me for a few seconds before stepping aside so I can walk inside.

"She's upstairs resting. That fall took quite a toll on her yesterday." She sighed. Oh, this poor clueless woman. She was refusing to see what was right in front of her. Either that or Lucy was one hell of a liar.

"Thanks." I nodded and started making my way upstairs. I had a feeling that her saying that she was upstairs would've tipped me off. I don't think her parents appreciated the fact that I was in their daughter's room last night. Like I was corrupting her or some shit.

The door was cracked open so I just pushed it open all the way; barely taking a step inside just to make sure I wouldn't catch her coming out of the shower or anything.

_Yea right, pervert. _

No, she was standing over there by her vanity grabbing something. I couldn't help but see the exact scene from yesterday playing before my eyes for a brief moment.

"Lucy, what exactly are you doing?" I got her attention and she turned around quickly.

"I was just getting my book." She waved it at me before starting to walk slowly back towards her bed. And, since she was doing it so slowly, I was able to take a few moments to steal a few looks at her.

She was wearing a pair of black and white flannel pants that were about two sizes too big for her and they hung a bit too low on her. Add that to the thin black tank top she was wearing and she looked so…well, she looked _sexy. _In a pair of fucking pajamas no less.

But, perhaps the best part of it all was the fact that her brown hair was all pulled back, leaving both her face and neck exposed to me; it had to be the sweetest thing.

At least, that's what my body was telling me while my mind was telling me to keep my thoughts out of the fucking gutter.

"What's with the flowers?" she asked once she finally sat down on the bed.

"Here, I brought them for you." I walked closer and handed them to her.

"Yellow huh?" she glanced up at me "thanks Jasper, it was really nice of you." She moved some things so she could set them on her nightstand.

And that was all she said but I knew I had been forgiven. Without me having to say the actual words or her actually acknowledging it. It's just how the two of us worked apparently. Even though she knew I was still mad at her for the stunt she pulled yesterday, we were trying to move on. She had given me her reasons yesterday, and what choice did I have than to just simply believe them?

"What are you reading?" I changed the subject, standing there like a fool.

"Well, re-reading it is more like it. Want to come sit and read it with me?" she offered.

"I guess." I shrugged. Not like I had anything better to do at the moment. "But, how about you read and I just listen?" I had just spent seven hours in school; my brain was too tired to read anymore.

I kicked off my beloved black converse before sitting on that damn pink bed of hers, making sure to keep a good distance between us.

"I think you should get new shoes." She joked and I glared at her.

"I think you should get some other color in this room." I shot back and she pouted. And, oh what I wouldn't fucking give to just reach over and wipe that pout right off her face.

"I'm just saying." She shrugged.

"Yea well, you can never part with your favorite pair. Not when they fit you in exactly the right way."

"Okay then. I hope you like this story." She showed me the story on the page. Something about a Nightingale and a Red Rose. I just shrugged my shoulders and leaned against the mound of pillows, waiting for her to start reading.

"Jasper" she sighed "did you not notice the title?" she raised a brow at me, waiting for something to click in my head.

"Yea something about a Nightingale and…oh, fuck!" I finally got it "the painting? The painting you gave me for Christmas?"

"Yes" she shook her head, a small smile on her lips "_ay caviloso_…"

"Hey, it's not my fault." I shrugged "are you going to read or what?"

She quickly nodded, opening the book back up and began.

To be honest, I was only faintly aware of the things she was saying. Because when she started reading, I noticed just how hoarse her voice was. No doubt from all that crying she did yesterday. And when she talked, I was fucking entranced by her voice. Something about it just drew me into her, watching those lips of hers move.

Also, while she was reading the amount of sadness in her voice kept taking me back to yesterday and the big question of what would've happened had Lucy gone through with her plan or if I hadn't have shown up when I did. The mere thought of her not being here right now gave me this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach; a feeling I couldn't really name but it sure as hell wasn't a good feeling.

In the midst of me staring at her face, I was able to catch a few times when she was reading, she would casually glance over at me.

The first time was when she said: 'His hair is dark as the hyacinth-blossom, and his lips are red as the rose of his desire; but passion has made his face like pale ivory, and sorrow has set her seal upon his brow.' And I swear to god it looked like she blushed when she read that.

The second came when she read 'What I sing of, he suffers- what is joy to me, to him is pain.' And I only noticed it because she sounded so damn sad when she read it. Almost like two people who were complete opposites but could never have each other or some shit.

But it was the last one that caught me off guard that was towards the end of the story, when that fucking bird was about to make the flower the reddest of reds and the tree told her to go further and pierce her heart:

'Bitter, bitter was the pain, and wilder and wilder grew her song, for she sang of the Love that is perfected by Death, of the Love that dies not in the tomb.'

And then next thing I knew, the story was over. The bird died, and that was that.

"What the fuck Lucy?" I looked over at her "That was such a depressing story."

"You're not reading between the lines Jasper." She shook her head, flipping a page back and showing me the line again about the bitter pain. "It's all about sacrifice. The nightingale gave up everything for the boy. You don't have to be with someone in order to feel love…"

"What?"

"Haven't you ever heard that expression? If I love no one, then I am free? I would give up everything for the one I loved. Even if it meant dying for the sake of love…or lack of." She shrugged.

"That's some fucked up logic." I scoffed. "But thanks for reading to me I guess."

"Anytime." She set the book down in between us and innocently stretched her arms and legs out. Throwing her arms back above her head, she let out a content sigh. In the process, it caused her shirt to ride up just a fraction of an inch, those pants of hers move down even lower, giving me a glimpse of what she was wearing underneath.

Though, I should've known. Of course Lucy would be wearing _pink _underwear.

"What's with all the fucking pink Lucy?" I blurted before my mind had a chance to stop it. She quickly looked at me, before quickly pulling her shirt down a bit.

"Were you…checking me out?" she looked shocked, not disgusted with me. Just, confused.

"Well it's kind of hard not to when you're moving around like _that._" I rolled my eyes.

"Why? It's not like I'm pretty or anything…" she looked away.

_oh, hell. _

"How did that line go?" I grabbed the book and skimmed the pages until I found it "What is of joy to me, brings him fucking pain." I lowered it and looked at her.

"They don't use that word." She frowned "And what are you trying to say? That you think I should see myself as pretty. Because believe me, I'm anything but."

And at that moment, I wanted nothing more to just scoop her up and show her just how pretty I thought she was. Instead, I said the stupidest thing I could've said at that moment.

"God Lucy…do know what _I _would sacrifice just so I could fucking kissyou, let alone _touch _you?"

_You just keep going right down that path of dependency my friend…you don't stand a chance. _

Her eyes grew wide as saucers as she stared at me.

"You don't want me." She pulled her legs up to her chest. "You can't want me."

"And how do you know Lucy? Have you been inside my head lately?"

"There so many other girls out there Jasper. Girls who would give you anything and everything if you just asked."

"Fuck them." I turned so that I was facing her, scooting just an inch closer to her. "They are of no interest to me."

"And I am? I'm no good…I'm broken."

_What the fuck? God, if I only knew what the hell she was talking about, this would be so much easier. _

"So what? No one's perfect Lucy."

"You really want to kiss _me_?" she turned so that we were facing each other.

"I want nothing more." I confessed. So much for that stone façade I'd been working so hard to keep.

She didn't respond to me and I didn't make a move towards her.

I was about to just give up all hope when I saw her hand barely moving away from her and across the bed somewhat. Her eyes were cast downwards when she barely touched my hand. It was the lightest touch but it sent a million shockwaves through my system. And then, ever so carefully, she flipped my hand over so that it was facing up. She took her finger and traced from the inside of my wrist to all the lines of my palm. When she was comfortable with that, she just placed her entire hand flat against mine.

I took the cue and grabbed her hand, gripping it lightly and brought her closer to me.

I leaned over and touched her face with my free hand. She tensed slightly but she didn't pull away. Once I knew she was okay with that, I knew it was time.

I started with each of her cheeks, pressing my lips to them softly and quickly. She didn't say anything, she just sat there. But, she wasn't moving away. A good sign.

And then I did the same thing with her lips. Three or four quick kisses, just letting her get used to it. After the fourth one, she let me go as far as tracing that bottom lip of hers with my thumb before going in, wanting to go a little further.

That's when my fucking hormones kicked in. She wasn't even aware when I pushed her back onto all those damn pink pillows. After a few moments however, her eyes snapped open and she pushed her hand against my chest, trying to push me away.

"Please…" she whispered "Please, stop…" her voice cracked. "I can't do this." And then she did it.

She started sobbing quietly.

I could tell from the stiffness of her body, the sound of her sobs that she felt broken down, defenseless.

When she finally looked at me fully, she completely scared the shit out of me.

Because, in a matter of seconds, she had gone from the Lucy I knew to looking like a terrified little girl.

A little girl who looked so _utterly exposed. _

It was a little unsettling. The fact that she could go from being calm to the complete opposite in a matter of seconds.

"Lucinda it's okay, we can slow down if you want." I tried to reassure her.

"No, please get away…." When I didn't make any attempts to move right away, she brought her knee closer to her chest and shoved it against me.

And it fucking hurt.

However, instead of yelling at her, which would've no doubt made things worse, I just hissed in pain and pulled away from her, sitting up and leaning back on my heels.

"I pushed you too far." I ran a hand through my hair, feeling like a complete jackass.

By this time, she had sat up as well but was trying to stay as far away from me as possible.

"I told you." She mumbled "I told you I couldn't do it. I just can't."

"No, no…it's perfectly normal for someone to be nervous."

"Normal?" she scoffed "You wouldn't be calling me normal if you knew…" she trailed off.

God, I hated when she did that.

"If I knew what?"

"It's nothing. Just, we can't do this Jasper. I'm sorry if you thought I was leading you on or something…this is all my fault."

"Why do you always apologize for shit? There's nothing to say you're sorry about. We can just take it _very _slowly." I emphasized the world very.

"Don't waste your time. I'll never be ready…" she shook her head "I think maybe you should go home…"

And, as much as I didn't, I knew that my stay had come to an end.

"Fine" I stood up off the bed "Your ass will be in school tomorrow right?"

"I don't have much of a choice." She looked over at me with that look still in her eyes. "I'll be there." She added a few seconds later.

"Good" I came closer to the side that she sitting on and went so I could kiss her forehead or something, just so she knew that I wasn't pissed off at her. But, at the last second, she moved her face downward so I ended up kissing the top of her head.

"Bye Lucy." I whispered in her ear, half smiling at the fact that her cheeks seemed to flush when I did it but half frowning at the fact that she tensed again with just that little gesture.

_Down, down the path you go Jasper. Before you know it, you're going to be so consumed with her and it's only going to end up destroying the both of you. You need to get out now. _

"Oh, fuck that." I mumbled to myself as I made my way out of her house.

But, to which part of that statement was I disagreeing with?

_Shit. Things had just gotten a hell of a lot more complicated again. _

Even though I hadn't gone as slowly as I should have, I had least gotten further with her. Sure she was nervous but, she let my lips touch hers; that had to mean something, right?

I really fucking hoped so because I wanted to taste them again, wanted to see what they really felt like.

I'd get my chance again, it was just a matter of time; because, it was becoming clear that something was happening between Lucy and me. I just wasn't exactly sure what that was but you better believe I was going to find out.

**Lucy**

As soon as I knew that Jasper was outside and gone from my house, the floodgates just opened right up.

My mother wouldn't come up here so I knew I didn't have to hide. I pulled my knees back up to my chest and rested my head on top of them and shut my eyes tightly.

Things had been going alright. Jasper seemed to like the story I had read to him. Or at least, that's what he had told me. But then, he had to go on and say things like he thought I was pretty and how the other girls in the school were of no interest to him.

And then he went and said it. He said that he wanted to _kiss me._ Oh, god!

I should've known better. I knew that this was a bad idea. But no, I had to prove that I _could _be strong. So, I reached out and touched his hand. I let him kiss my cheeks and lips gently.

I have to admit though, those lips of his felt divine. The sensations were almost overpowering, suffocating.

But then he tried to go a bit further. And, even though there was nothing wrong with what he was doing. I knew that he would never take advantage of me, something went off in my head, freezing everything in the process.

My mind was screaming for him to stop, trying to convince me that he could hurt me without so much as blinking twice.

To him, he merely thought that my inexperience was the issue at hand. That I was just an innocent girl who had never been touched before.

But, that couldn't be further from the truth. If he only knew the truth…

_But you will never tell him the truth will you Lucy? You're not strong enough to tell him the truth. You just keep building on all those lies. _

"Stop…" I ran my hands through my hair, feeling them starting to shake a bit "Please.."

_You couldn't even let him kiss you. And then he called you normal? You are anything BUT normal Lucy and you know it…you're so screwed up…you'll never have anyone. Ever. _

_"Ay dios mio, ayudame por favor." _I grabbed a bit of my hair, pulling it tightly until I felt some of it coming out. But, the pain wasn't even noticeable and I sat there for hours, rocking back and forth…trying to find the will to just come back.

I had to come back. Otherwise, who knew what the results would be. I _had _to go to school tomorrow, I didn't have a choice. Hence, I needed to feel better and fast.

Oh, who was I kidding, I was far from feeling better. To Jasper, it was just an attempted kiss. To me, it was everything he could never imagine.

Running my hand against the bandaged cut on my leg, I winced in pain before silent tears slid down my cheeks.

He had no idea of the memories I refused to speak of. Memories that had just stopped me from doing something so simple.

So simple yet so terrifying.

Leaning back against the headboard, I took slow, deep breaths trying to forget all about Jasper and what had almost happened in here.

If I had any hope of being semi coherent at school tomorrow, I was going to have to spend the rest of today shutting out everyone and everything, working myself up to feel good enough to function tomorrow.

I would have to block, become numb for just awhile.

It wouldn't be hard, I have done this plenty times before; only this time, it was different. Tomorrow at school, I wouldn't be alone. I would have to face the boy who told me he wanted to kiss me. I would have to face the only friend I had in this town; a friend that I couldn't afford to lose, no matter how much pain it caused me to be around him sometimes.

I could do this, regardless of how hard, I knew I'd have to find the strength; there was no other choice.

Whatever it was that Jasper had been thinking, I highly doubt he was going to feel the same after today. After all, who'd ever want someone like me?

_No one Lucinda, don't ever forget that. _

It was true, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. I didn't deserve someone like Jasper; not when there was so many beautiful and 'normal' girls just waiting for the day he looked their way.

Because everyone knows...normal beats broken anyday. Plain and simple, I didn't stand a chance.

* * *

**I completely loved writing this chapter for so many reasons and I hoped you all did too. **

**The story used in this chapter was "The Nightengale and the Red Rose" by Oscar Wilde; it's such an amazing short story. **

**An almost kiss, and we see just how both Lucy and Jasper think about their 'relationship'. Always complicated with these two. **

**Your thoughts are love. **

* * *


	19. Sing for Absolution

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I was so glad to see the amazing response to it! **

**Like always, thanks to Meg, who helped me majorly with this chapter (especially since I lost most of what I had written for it...you're a life saver, lol!). **

**As usual, all I own is Lucy (but oh how I wish I owned Jasper). Enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 19: Sing for Absolution**

**There's nowhere left to hide  
In no one to confide  
The truth burns deep inside  
And will never die**

**Lips are turning blue  
A kiss that can't renew  
I only dream of you  
My beautiful**

**Jasper**

To say that I was anxious, would be an fucking understatement. After I got back to the house yesterday, all I could think about was Lucy and the way she reacted when I kissed her. Well, _tried _to kiss her. As much as I tried to convince myself that she was just nervous and self conscious, something in the back of my mind told me that there was more to it; and no, it had more to do than with just my ego.

As I passed through my morning classes, eagerly and nervously waiting for lunch, I began thinking about all the little things that had happened in the time I had known her. For instance, how she barely ever let anyone touch her, what the fuck was up with that? It wasn't just with me, it was everyone she came in contact with. Then there was the whole deal with her brother; something was up with those two. Something had happened, I was almost certain of it. All I knew was that Carlos was the sole reason as to why Lucy hadn't taken her life and that he was also the reason as to why her family moved here. Things made no sense what so ever.

If her brother was the reason, the key to all this mystery, then why did she love him so damn much?

_Not everyone holds grudges. Clearly, she knows the meaning of forgiveness. Unlike you._

Either that or she knows the meaning of extreme guilt. Which, I'd bet anything that was the case here. The few times she mentioned her brother and then when he showed up, there was a certain sadness in her eyes. Call me crazy but that didn't just seem right.

By the time I reached the library, my mind was all twisted with all the thoughts of Lucy and everything or rather, _lack _of things I didn't know about her.

However, all that seemed to fade away when I saw her sitting there, in the exact same spot as every other day. Walking towards her, I felt another odd feeling the closer I got; something that felt like relief.

_Damn, you've got it bad_.

Fucking hell, man.

"You're back" I sat across from her, but her facial expression caused immediate alarm in my head "back and looking like shit. Lucy…" I began but she just held a hand up.

"No lectures please, I already got it from my parents this morning."

I scoffed "I wasn't going to lecture. Why are you here Lucy? It's obvious you're sick."

Maybe she heard a double meaning in my words because if looks could kill, I'd be gone.

"I'm not sick" she tugged on the sleeves of the top she was wearing "I'm just a bit tired."

_Lying, she's fucking lying. _

For once, I had to agree with that nagging little voice in my mind. All those other times, I had tried to push it off as something else, assuming that I was just over thinking it. Even though she had dark circles under her eyes, there was another reason as to why she looked like crap. However, I knew she wasn't going to give me more information and I wasn't going to press for more; for now anyways. There was always art and the ride to her house.

"So" she changed the subject entirely "what have you been doing the past two days?"

_What, while you were hurting yourself, turning me on while you read and fucking freezing when I kissed you? _"Nothing much." Actually, I thought a lot about her when she was gone but, I wasn't about to go there. She'd only feed more lies about how she wasn't worth it and that I shouldn't want her. Fuck that, I knew what I wanted. Could this girl not see that she had so much to offer?

She was like this innocent temptress and she didn't have the slightest idea. Everything she did, every time she but that lip or tilted her head in confusion, it made me want her even more.

_Fuck man, you're way past the point of dependency now. You need this girl…and you don't even know it. _

I didn't need anyone; I've been alone for a long time now, I was used to it.

We passed the rest of the time in silence, partly because of all the thoughts in my head and because Lucy wasn't in any mood to talk to me.

The class between lunch and art was a much needed distraction; a distraction from Lucy. Shit, I wanted her to tell things and yet, she wouldn't! There was even a small part of me that had wanted to switch spots, sit beside her and I don't know, hold her hand or some shit like that. She always looked cold and I wanted her to know that I could keep her warm, somehow.

God, what the hell was getting into me?

_She's getting into your head, that's what. _

No, that couldn't happen. No matter how bad I wanted her or for her to tell me things, I couldn't see myself doing the same thing. I had spent far too long blocking the past and I wasn't about to bring it all up, even for Lucy.

I walked, faster than usual to my final class. I don't know why though. It wasn't like Lucy wasn't going to be there. Still, I was again relieved to see her sitting there when I walked in. She was still distant when I talked to her, looking out the window more than usual, her eyes drooping a bit as class started.

"Alright class!" our teacher clapping her hands caused Lucy's eyes to snap open, looking over at me embarrassed "today, we're going be doing something a little bit different. As you can see" she pointed towards the window "it's a beautiful day today."

Was this lady for real? It was windy and in the middle of January. Though, I was starting to see that nothing about our art teacher was normal.

"You have the option today to either stay in class or venture outside to talk about your latest art assignment. All I ask is that you do not leave the school grounds." She seemed to stare at me for a second too long. Yea, she would think I'd be the one to leave. Whatever, I wasn't going anywhere; not when I had Miss good girl with me. She'd never go for that anyways.

"Well, on you go." That was the end of her speech.

"Come on, Lucy" I stood "let's go."

She seemed hesitant but after a second, she stood slowly and followed me outside the class, down the hall and outside. Almost the entire class followed suit, sitting mostly at the tables outside the cafeteria. When I headed towards one, Lucy stopped walking.

"Oh hell Lucy, I'm not sitting on the ground. It's fine."

"To you" she mumbled but came anyways, sitting across from me at one of the round tables. Looking around, no one was talking about that damn art assignment. Figures, who in their right mind would actually discuss schoolwork with no teacher around?

"Who's idea was it again to come out here again?" Lucy looked at me, her teeth clattering and her palms flat on top of her bag, shaking a bit.

Oh, shit.

"Smartass." I grumbled, quickly shrugging out of the sweatshirt I was wearing "here." I handed it to her. Well, more like shoved it her.

"No." she shook her head in protest "What about you? I don't want you to get sick."

_Typical Lucy, always putting everyone else before herself. Well, not this time. _

"I'd rather get sick than see you freeze to death." When I offered it her again, she took it. I watched as she slowly slipped it on, zipping it up half way. She reached behind her and let down that long brown hair of hers, letting it frame her face and my sweatshirt.

"Thanks. It was really nice of you." She eventually looked up at me.

"You aren't dying on my watch Lucy." I shrugged, trying to pass it off as something casual. But, fuck me, it was anything but.

The sweatshirt was obviously way too big for her but I couldn't tear my eyes off her. But, I had to stop looking at her otherwise I was liable to do something extremely inappropriate to her. Which, that wouldn't be very smart being as yesterday, she fucking freaked when I tried to kiss her.

"Alight Lucy, spill." I looked over at her, once she seemed to be a bit warmer.

"About? I'm fine, Jasper." She shrugged.

"Don't fucking lie to me." I shot back, causing her to wince slightly. I knew it was a cheap shot. I knew how much she hated feeling like she was disappointing someone. After a few moments, she turned slightly towards me, cringing in pain as she did so. I knew her leg still hurt her but she was trying to put on a brave front of everyone. Not letting any of her pain shine through.  
What was it going to take for this girl to realize that she didn't have to pull that shit with me?

"I took a lot of pain medication this morning." She whispered, looking down at her folded her hands in her lap "But, it's sort of wearing off now and I'm in a lot of pain." She confessed.

"Is that why you looked so out of it today?"

"I guess. I didn't really eat much this morning. And the pills and my stomach aren't really agreeing right now."

"Jesus Lucy" I leaned a bit towards her "When I take you home after school, I'm staying with you to make sure you fucking eat something."

"I'm not five, Jasper. I can take care of myself."

"Well you're doing a pretty shitty job." I glared at her but instantly regretted it. I knew how much she struggled already. She didn't need me pushing her further into the ground.

I was such as asshole sometimes and yet, she still stuck around. She still wanted to be my friend.

"I know." She sighed "Can we talk about something else now?"

**Lucy**

I watched as Jasper looked at me with suspicious eyes. I knew he wanted to ask me more but honestly, I didn't want to want to talk about it anymore.

Reluctantly, we actually started talking about the art project, being the only thing that I seemed content and comfortable talking about.

Though, no matter what I seemed to talk about, the only thing I could focus on was the warm sweatshirt that I was currently wearing. God, how is it possible for someone to smell incredibly good?

The mere thought sent me right back to when I was younger and all the conversations I've had with my brother. Sometimes when we would go somewhere, and it would start to get cold, he would almost always give his sweatshirt or jacket so that his girlfriend could wear it. I always thought it was because he was being nice, so she wouldn't freeze. Well, that was part of it according to my brother. His voice floated into my head as I sat there.

_'A guy offers you're his jacket Lucinda, it's a pretty obvious sign that he likes you. Either that, or he's sending a clear message that you're his girl. That no one else can touch you…'_

Oh, crap! No, no…there was no way! I was just looking way too much into things. Jasper was, in his own way, giving me the sweatshirt as a way of saying sorry. It was his idea after all. He didn't want me to freeze, plain and simple.

"Ugh!" I sighed, resting my head on top of my bag, wanting nothing to sleep. I was already loopy from all this pain medication and now, I was confused on top of it! Great, just great.

The bell rang some time later, much to my relief. I was so ready to go home. That is, until Jasper reminded me of something.

"Let's get you home Lucy. I meant what I said about making sure you don't fucking pass out or something in your house." I wanted to tell him no, I didn't want him in my house or near me. I just wanted to be alone and sleep. Though, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything.

_Lucinda, guys like Jasper aren't hurt that easily. Like he'd really care if you said no. _

Maybe but, he'd be upset for sure and that was even worse. I hated when people were mad at me, no matter if it was my fault or not.

As the two of us walked, I could feel eyes following us. I didn't like it, it made me anxious.

"Don't pay attention to them Lucy, they're just jealous." Jasper rolled his eyes as we went on our way, stopping at my locker before heading out to the parking lot.

Jealous? Jealous of what!

"What's wrong now?" he frowned slightly, opening the door me for to get in.

_Everything._

"Nothing. I'm still cold that's all."

No, that wasn't the only thing on my mind but, I couldn't very tell him what was really on my mind now could I? It would go completely against what I told him the day before. And I for one wasn't about to be a contradiction.  
Besides, what would he want with me?

_Nothing Lucinda, absolutely nothing. _

I fidgeted a bit in my seat as we drove to my house, even snapping my ever present rubber band a few times; something that didn't go unnoticed. Jasper didn't say anything though, thankfully.

By the time we got to the house, I was starting to feel a bit dizzy as we walked up the driveway. Pulling my keys out, I took note of the fact that my hands were shaking a bit, taking me a bit longer than usual to unlock the door. When I finally got it open, I quickly stepped inside, tossing my things on one of the couches before walking towards the bathroom. I felt like I was going to be sick, very soon.

"I'll be back" I mumbled quickly, walking down the hall and shutting the door behind me. Taking a few deep breaths, I splashed some water on my face, hoping it'd help me feel better. Well, that was a terrible idea. This wasn't the first time this had happened to me and I knew that I needed to get some sugar in my system fast before I…

All my thoughts seemed to stop when I stepped out of the bathroom, the entire room spinning around me. Grabbing onto the wall for support, I slid down before everything went dark.

**Jasper**

I was waiting for her when I heard the door open. A few moments later, I heard a light thud on the ground.

I bolted out of that kitchen so fast and made it to her hallway in a few seconds.

"Oh, shit." I dropped down to the ground, where Lucy was out cold "hey, wake up." I touched her face gently but she didn't respond to me. I pressed my hand against her forehead and felt that she was extremely cold.

"What do I do? What the fuck do I do?" I rambled over and over to myself.

_Well, sitting around talking to yourself isn't going to get you anywhere you idiot. You know who to call. _

I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the number that I never, ever called before.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end sounded both pleased and confused.

"Carlisle." I could hear the strain in my voice. Both because I had a passed out girl on the floor and that I was actually resorting to calling Carlisle. "I need your help." I said quickly into the receiver.

"Help?" I could hear him standing up, grabbing his things. "What's wrong Jasper? Where are you?"

"I'm at Lucy's house. I found her passed out on the floor…I have no fucking idea what to do."

"I'll be there in ten minutes. Keep trying to get her to wake up okay?"

Quickly hanging up, I tossed the phone aside. I didn't know if it was the smartest thing but, I wasn't about to just leave her lying on the floor. I easily lifted her up, walking the short distance to the couch and setting her on it; all the while though, she never so much as stirred out of her unconscious state and that fucking worried me. Usually when you moved someone around, they'd give you some kind of reaction; I would know.

Waiting for Carlisle, I sat on the ground beside her and placed my hand on her cheek and, not knowing what else to do, I just rubbed her cheek gently with my thumb, back and forth.

"Wake up Lucy…please?" And with my sitting on the floor feeling completely helpless, I felt like I was practically begging her to wake up and for the first time in a long time, I realized that I was scared. No, I was fucking petrified.

Not even aware of my actions, I lowered my head until my cheek was resting gently on top of one of her cold hands. Much like that night where she just let me hold onto her when I was completely wasted, here I was again trying to find that connection. Only this time, I was the one trying to give her the connection; anything in hopes of her waking up.

True to his word, Carlisle arrived exactly in ten minutes later. Letting him in, I silently watched as he sat beside her on the couch, pressing his hand against her forehead, frowning when he pulled away.

"Did she say anything today to you that would indicate as to why she got sick?" he turned slightly to look at me. I shrugged, coming up completely blank.

"You need to think, Jasper. She couldn't have just gotten this ill so quickly."

Well, fuck. Thinking back to the day, I ran through today's events; and that's when it hit me.

"Shit" I approached them closer "she said something about taking some pain medication this morning, and that it wasn't agreeing with her or some shit like that. Could that be why?"

"Well" he pondered a moment "not exactly. Is there anything else?"

"Oh, hell. Would that effect her…you know, since she's Diabetic?"

His eyes widened for a moment, and he was quickly in doctor mode again, up and searching for something.

"What are you doing?"

"Why didn't you tell me Jasper? If she took medication on an empty stomach, it could've caused her sugar to drop to a very dangerous low. She needs a shot, now." he grabbed her bag, sifting through it before he pulled out something; another syringe. How the hell would he know that was in there?

"I'm not a fucking doctor" I stated the obvious "How could I possibly know that and what the hell is that?" I stared at the needle hesitantly. It didn't look like the ones she took her medication with.

"She's your friend, Jasper. _That's _why you should've said it sooner" maybe his words hadn't been meant to stir up some anger but, they did either way "it's a shot that will raise her sugar back up, and hopefully wake her up."

"You don't think her health is important to me?" I rounded the couch so I could see better; I didn't want him hurting her in any way "she is my friend, Carlisle. Why else do you think I called you?"

That got him back real quick. However, he merely brushed it off. Which, I was silently thankful for. Lucy waking up is what mattered right now, not my animosity towards Carlisle.

I saw him quickly preparing it and sat back down beside her. And then next thing I knew, he was reaching over, pushing up her sweatshirt a bit and landing on the waistband of her jeans.

My hand immediately shot out and pushed his hand away "What the fuck are you doing?"

He didn't flinch. "She needs the shot in her leg Jasper. She needs the shot to raise her blood sugar so she can wake up." He repeated calmly to me as if I was one of his patients or something.

"Can't you do it someplace else?"

"Why?" I didn't answer him. He looked at me and then over at my hand that was still hovering over Lucy, barely grazing her. I didn't have an answer for him. Of course I knew why he couldn't do it.

If Lucy woke up with Carlisle's hands on her, she would fucking flip. And secondly, her getting the shot in her leg meant that her cut would be exposed and Carlisle wouldn't let that shit slide. He would know what it was without even asking; he was a doctor after all.

"I can give it to her in her arm." He finally answered my previous question and I relaxed a bit. "But you need to move." He looked over at me and then to my hand.

"Like hell I will." I shook my head "You're not coming anywhere near her."

"Look son" I hated when he called me that "I don't know what's going on here or what's going through your head, but I'm not going to hurt her I assure you. I only want to help her." His voice was still calm, but there was a hint on confusion in it as well. But, I knew he was being honest. It was his job and I was preventing him from helping Lucy.

"I know, but you can't do it Carlisle. You just fucking can't." I took a deep breath and looked back at him. He looked even more confused.

"Fine. But if I can't, then that means you have to do it. What's it going to be?"

I didn't even think twice before I held my hand out to take the syringe from his hand. His eyes widened in shock.

"Give it to me." He gently placed it in my hand and I gripped it lightly, staring down blankly at it.

"Jasper, I…"

"Don't Carlisle!" I snapped at him "Just tell me what to do."

"Roll up her sleeve." He remained on his spot on the end of the couch and I remained kneeling beside Lucy, quickly unzipping the sweatshirt and gently removing it from her.

"Ok, now you're going to gently grab her upper arm right there." He pointed to the spot and I did what he asked. It was this next part that I was fucking dreading.

"Now slowly, but not too slowly, inject the medication into her arm…" he watched me as I leaned further across her and angled the syringe towards her arm. Right before I went to do it, I felt myself freeze up.

"Jasper, why don't you just let me?"

"No." I growled at him "I can do it. Just stop talking."

He complied and just sat back. "I'm sorry Lucy, I'm so fucking sorry" I slowly pushed the needle into her arm before pushing the medicine into her system. The moment the syringe was fully in her skin, I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Pull the syringe out Jasper, not too fast otherwise…" he didn't finish because I had already did it and a moment later, a stream blood came out of the injection area and slowly streamed down her arm.

And for the second time in the past three days, I almost completely lost it with the sight of Lucy's blood. It was such a dark shade of crimson and as much as I hated it, I couldn't stop staring at it. It was taunting me, taking me back to those days when…

"Oh, fuck." I shook my head, tearing my eyes away from her. In the ten seconds I had rendered myself immobile, Carlisle had gone and come back, holding a towel and a bandage.

"Can I take care of that Jasper or are you going to keep pushing yourself dealing with her blood too?"

_If only you knew, asshole._

I moved out the way, watching him as he cleaned her arm, the blood flow stopping father quickly. He disinfected the injection site before placing a small bandage on her arm.

"Now, I'm guessing you still won't let me touch her?"

My silence was enough answer "fine, then I need you to sit with her with her head in your lap and turn it to the side."

What the fuck? "Why?"

"Because when she wakes up, she might get sick so she needs to be in that position so she doesn't choke." God, that was disgusting but, I did it anyway, quickly getting up, moving her so her head was barely resting in my lap, hoping she didn't scream when she woke up.

"Ok, good. Now, since you're busy, I need to make her something to eat for when she gets up." With that, he left the room, heading towards the kitchen.

I sat there, silently watching Lucy for a minute or two. It was killing me that she wasn't opening her eyes. Wasn't this shit supposed to work fast? However, before I could think about it more, her eyes began to move before the slowly fluttered open. She tensed immediately when she felt me but started coughing; and it sounded painful.

"Lucy" I pulled some of her hair back "it's me" I attempted to calm her down being as she was both coughing and tensing from someone touching her.

"I can't" she coughed loudly again "it hurts" she mumbled, reaching to touch her arm "what happened?"

"You fucking passed out because of all that medicine you took."

"Oh, god" she slowly sat up "I'm sorry. Wait" she checked her arm again "did...did you give me the shot Jasper?"

I nodded "yes, so never pull that shit on me again."

"Lucinda, dear you're awake" Carlisle waltzed back into the living room, a glass of juice in one hand and a sandwich on the other "here, you have to eat."

"Thank you Dr. Cullen" Lucy took the food from him, drinking the juice slowly while glancing at me. She knew that my father and I didn't exactly get along "thank you, Jasper. If you hadn't came inside with me, who knows how long I would've been unconscious."

I didn't even want to think about it. This was twice now that I had found Lucy in a life threatening situation and I had just about had it with her. This girl was going to give me answers, now.

After some time, Carlisle concluded that Lucy was fine and that if she needed anything, to call him. Once he was gone, headed back to the hospital, I sat beside Lucy, giving her a knowing look.

"What?" she took a bite of the food she had.

"You owe me an explanation Lucy and damn it, you're going to tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"Drop the act for once alright?" my tone was anything but civil "something happened to you, Lucy and you refuse to tell me what. I know this all has to do with your brother. Everything from why he lives there and you live here, the way you talk about him with so much sadness and guilt. That day you fucking flipped by the river, saying it was your fault."

"Jasper, I..." she shook her head "I can't..."

"Like hell you can't. Lucy, just tell me. You can't spend the rest of your life acting like nothing happened before you moved here."

_You're such a damn hypocrite, Jasper. You aren't playing fair. _

Fuck that, this wasn't about being fair. Something was seriously wrong with her. If in a mere two days, I had to see this girl cutting herself, passed out on the ground then she damn well better start explaining because that shit wasn't normal.

"Lucy" I said her name again. She wasn't looking at me but rather, straight ahead at the wall in front of her.

"It happened for years ago" her voice was small, barely above a whisper as she turned to face me "four years ago" she repeated, fear and dread filling her eyes.

Fuck, this wasn't going to be good.

* * *

**Jasper and Needles? That was major. Anyone else love how he was so protective? (I know I did!). **

**Lucy can't ever catch a break can she? Poor girl. Though, she got Jasper's sweatshirt...talk about major sigh!**

**But beyond all that...I'm sure people are probably freaking over the fact that Lucy's secret...is just around the corner. **

**Your reviews are love as always. **


	20. Damaged

**AN: I think this is the chapter that a lot of people have been waiting for. **

**Fair warning, Lucy's secret...it's not pretty so, know that going into this chapter. **

**Also, the end of this chapter went a different way than I though and I have my brilliant friend Meg. Without her, I'd still be trying to write this!**

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**Chapter 20: Damaged**

**Healing comes so painfully  
And it chills to the bone  
Won't let anyone get close to me  
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know**

**I'm scared and I'm alone  
I'm shamed and I need for you to know**

**There's only for my soul  
And undo this fear  
Forgiveness for a man  
Who was stronger  
I was just a little girl  
But I can't look back**

**Lucy**

He wanted to know.

Running through the list of all the 'signs,' I knew there was no other choice. He had figured me out. Dear God, he had seen right through me.

Jasper, a guy who I had barely known for a mere five months, had been able to see things that no one else saw or refused to see.

"Lucy," a hand enclosed around my arm softly "tell me." Jasper's voice was already emotionless as he watched me. I wanted nothing more than at that very moment to be able to do the same.

"Let go of me, please." Try as I may, I failed as my voice was already trembling with fear. His grip immediately lessened but he didn't move away. He sat right beside me, no more than a few feet separating us. "Jasper, I…I don't know if I can do this." I hadn't even begun and already that all too familiar tightening in my chest.

"Lucy, I need to know." No, no he didn't. "Just, whatever the hell happened, it can't be _that _bad."

If only you knew, Jasper. If only.

He sat, in complete silence as he waited. There was no backing out now. I knew there was no way he'd leave my house without knowing. If there was one thing I was certain about, Jasper was overly curious and relentless. Though there was this unspoken rule between us, where the other didn't press for information but this time, it was different. I had already started it, and he was going to make sure I finished it now.

There was no way to get out of it, the only direction to go was forward and dive right into it I guess.

"Well," taking a deep breath, I faced him "like I said, it was four years ago." Starting the story, I was immediately surrounded by sights and sounds. Things I hadn't thought about until this very moment again. Buried so far deep in my mind that the second I started talking and the images came flooding forward, I wasn't prepared for it at all.

"It was a Friday, the start of the weekend." Twisting my hands in my lap, I just continued. "It was already starting to get dark outside. I knew that my parents would be home a little later than usual. On Fridays, they taught classes at the church so they didn't come home until eight or so."

Jasper just nodded, waiting for me to continue.

_**I was supposed to be working on some math homework, but instead I was thinking about my upcoming fourteenth birthday. Mom and dad had said that it would be something small this year because, the following year, I would be turning fifteen and I'd be having a huge party. Me and my cousin Anna, we were having them together since our birthdays were in the same month. _

_I had reluctantly started the math homework when I heard the doorbell ring. Figuring it was someone I knew, I didn't think twice about answering it. _

_Mistake number one. _

_When I opened the door I wasn't too surprised to see him standing there. His name was Andres and he was always coming over to our house to visit my brother. They were pretty good friends I guess you could say. Which it made sense as to why he was the one sent. _

"_Hey Lucinda, Carlos home?" He peered over me, his eyes quickly scanning the living room. _

"_No, no one's here but me right now." _

_Mistake number two. _

"_Oh, well that's too bad." He smiled at me warmly, but a flash of danger flashed across his eyes. Instinct kicked in and I tried to shut the door quickly, but in an instant, he pushed against the door and was suddenly inside of my house, shutting the door behind him. _

"_What are you doing?" I asked in a quiet voice. _

"_It's alright Lucinda, I just want to have a little bit of fun with you. I've had my eye on you for quite some time. Every Sunday I come to church, just so I can hear you sing. You have a beautiful singing voice you know?" He approached me closer and I tried to get away from him, quickly walking into the living room, attempting to make it up the stairs and into my bedroom. But, he of course was too fast for me and grabbed one of my arms and threw me roughly on the couch, pinning me down. _

_I, after all, was only a thirteen year old who wasn't capable of fighting someone like him off. _

_In his pinning me, the sweatshirt he was wearing raised up a little bit and I froze when I saw a knife resting beneath his clothes. I began to shake terribly, for fear of what was going to come next. _

"_Ay, tranquila mi amor…" he touched the side of my face, trying to coax me into relaxing. If anything, it scared me even more._

"_No, no por favor…please I'm begging you." I tried to foolishly push him away from me but I was quickly met with a slap across my face. _

"_Lucinda, mi amor, we can do this easy way or…" he pulled out the knife, opened it and ran it across my trembling body "we can do it the hard way. Which way do you prefer?" _

"_You're going to kill me?" I swallowed thickly, trying not to let him see my fear. _

"_Don't be so dramatic Lucinda." He rolled his eyes "If you just cooperate, everything will be fine."_

_Before I could respond to him, I felt his hands tearing at my clothing, removing them quickly and carelessly.  
_

_I could do nothing but feel powerless, helpless and at his mercy. _

_I had seen things with my mom on TV about women who've been raped and how when it happens, they are sometimes frozen in fear and at that very moment, I suddenly knew what those women were talking about. _

_Thing was, I wasn't a woman. I was just a child. _

_Tears rolled down my face as I just lay there, watching this boy with this look of pure lust on his face. It was disgusting and it made me nauseous. _

"_Just wait Lucinda." he pressed me further down on to the couch and, without any warning, I felt an intense amount of pain just rip through my body as he forced himself upon me. _

_It was horrible, unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. I couldn't breathe, let alone scream as he continued his assault.  
_

_All my life, I had been taught the importance of abstinence. That, I was supposed to wait for the right person to come along, fall in love and once we were married, I would fully give myself to this one person. _

_But, all hope of that was shattered in an instant. In one moment, that boy took it all away from me. He took something so sacred from me. Something that was supposed to be beautiful and kept treasured until the right moment was ripped away from me in such a malicious manner. _

_It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was thirteen, and at the hands of a complete stranger. _

_I just lay there, listening to him while all the while praying it would all be over soon. _

_Minutes later, with a sigh and a smug smile, he got up and got dressed, as if this was nothing. As if hadn't just destroyed me.  
_

"_You don't know how long I've waited for this Lucinda. I couldn't take it anymore, I knew you had to be mine. You're so beautiful, so innocent…" _

_I didn't respond to him, I just lay there, tears flowing down my face nonstop. With shaky hands, I fixed my shirt and felt around to try and find the clothes that had been ripped off. I hadn't even gotten my pants on when I Andres turned around and looked back down at me. The same wave of fear washed over me again. _

"_Ay Lucinda, we aren't finished yet." He knelt down in front of me, pushing my legs apart so he could be closer to me. So sure he was going to try and rape me again, I shut my eyes and tried to block it out but, that didn't happen. Instead I felt his strong, rough hand gripping my side tightly while his other hand held his knife. _

"_What are you doing?!" I tried to squirm out of his grasp but there was no use. He just held me tighter, his eyes focused on the area where he was grabbing me and before I knew it, there was this searing pain running through my body again. It was horrible and I will never forget the way that knife felt as it dug into my skin, deeper with each passing second. _

_I should've screamed. I should've done something to call attention, but nothing came out of my mouth. I was in shock. For a brief second, I looked down to see just what he was doing. It looked like he was trying to mark me or something. _

"_Una mensaje preciosa." He shrugged as he finished the final 'touches' as he called it. "For your brother." _

_That's when it hit me. He had been sent here. Sent here to give a message to my brother Carlos. My brother who had refused to join the local gang that ran the streets around here. _

"_He won't do it. My brother doesn't want that kind of life." I finally mustered the courage to speak to him. It was a really bad idea because I ended up being hit again, hard. _

_That's when I snapped. With everything I had, I reached up and kicked him as hard as I could. It wasn't that hard but it was enough to send him stumbling back a bit. I took those few seconds and jumped off of the couch, grabbing his knife that had fallen out of his hand. _

_He yelled a slew of curse words in Spanish as he stood up and came towards me and I did the only thing I could think of: I ran. I ran as fast as I could into the kitchen, trying to make it out the back door. I didn't even make it half way before I was being pinned against the wall. _

"_Try and run again and see what happens." he pressed me harder against the wall. Remembering I had the knife in my hand, I grabbed it and stabbed it as hard as I could into his side. His grip loosened on me for only a fraction for a second before I saw him reach over and just pull the knife out of his side, hissing a bit as he dropped it to the floor. _

_It didn't even faze him. I knew then that he had probably been stabbed and probably shot countless times before. What damage could a thirteen year old do to him? _

"_You little bitch," he grabbed my neck and slammed me against the wall "I was only supposed to come here to leave a message for your idiot brother but don't think I won't fucking kill you for that little stunt you just pulled." It was then that he pulled out the gun that had been hidden until now and pressed it against my temple._

"_One little pull Lucinda and you'll be dead." His tone was dark and cold. "You know, a dead sister may just be the thing to get Carlos to reconsider our offer don't you think?" He pressed the gun harder against me. I didn't speak; I just let out a small cry. _

_The pressure from the gun and the bleeding mark on my hip were starting to take its' toll on me. Things were starting to become blurry and I was in an intense amount of pain. However, I was conscious enough to hear the back door being opened. _

"_Lucinda, are you here?" My brother's voice flowed through the kitchen but was cut off by the sound of a gunshot. I for sure thought I had been shot, but after a few seconds I realized that I was still conscious and the only pain was from the cut on my hip and the extreme soreness I was feeling on the inside. _

_I opened my eyes slowly to find that there was no longer a tight grip around me. My eyes dropped to the floor and finally, a scream escaped my lips. _

"_Carlos!" I ran towards my brother who was lying on the floor, blood surrounding him. I knelt down and touched his face gently. Relief filled my body when he opened his eyes and smiled weakly. _

"_Estoy bien." He reassured me, patting his arm. "Just a flesh wound." He looked over at his arm, but he didn't seem to be hurt too badly._

_He took in my appearance, narrowing his eyes at me and then somewhere behind me. "Que hicisite a mi hermana?" His voice was strained but you could still hear the anger in it._

"_This is all your fault Carlos." Andres grabbed one of my arms and lifted me roughly off the ground. "If you would've just agreed, this wouldn't have happened to her. Now," he wrapped one of his arms around my neck, putting enough pressure so that it was difficult for me to breathe "what's it going to be?" _

"_Lucinda has nothing to do with this." My brother slowly began to stand up, steadying himself on the counter. _

"_She has everything to do with this! She is the only leverage we have. She's the only thing you really care about…so again, I'm asking you Carlos. What's it going to be?" This time, he lifted his gun again and pressed it against the side of my head. _

"_You would never shoot her." His voice was strong but fear was evident in his eyes. We both knew what kind of guy Andres was. _

"_Oh yea, I already raped her and cut her up a bit. What makes you think I won't fucking shoot her without so much as blinking?" _

"_No, no por favor Carlos! Don't listen to him. This isn't the life you want!" I pleaded with my brother. _

"_What's it going to be!" Andres yelled again, the grip around my neck nearly suffocating me. I stared straight at my brother, begging with him to not do this. I prayed so hard at that very moment. Prayed for him to be smart about this. My brother was my everything. I couldn't sit back and watch him get into this kind of life. _

"_Drop her Andres!" my brother yelled, making me jump "Drop her and let's discuss this, man to man."_

"_No Carlos!" I screamed at him as I felt myself being dropped to the ground. _

"_Pues, vamos." Andres waved at my brother, a smug smile on his face "Muchas gracias Lucinda." He winked at me before the two of them started walking outside, both of them still bleeding somewhat but it was like they didn't even notice. _

_It was at that moment that I realized that I had lost my brother. I had just been taken advantage of in the most horrible way. I had been used as leverage against my brother, the one person he would do anything for. Even selling his soul to the devil himself. _

Finishing my story, I felt like I couldn't breathe. "That's what happened." I stood, trying to make my way to the kitchen but I stopped, having been blocked. Jasper was standing in front of me, jaw tense and arms firmly planted at his sides.

He was silent, and it worried me. Even worse was the utter rage in his eyes. I had _never _seen him this angry and it was causing my heart to race even more than it already was.

"Jasper…" I whispered, unable to raise my voice. He still didn't speak. His hands balled into fists, knuckles white with strain. I took a step back.

Was he angry with…me?

Tears crowded my eyes, and I started gasping for air. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry."

I took another step away from him. "Jasper, you're scaring me."

He flinched, his hands loosened and his face softened. But his eyes were still hard, cold.

"Fuck." He muttered. I couldn't move. Could hardly breathe. The thought that he might be angry with me was paralyzing.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked in a small voice.

"What?"His voice was incredulous. "Jesus Christ, Lucy!"

"I'm sorry! It's just…you're so angry and I know I kept it from you, but how could I tell you?" Shame crept into my voice.

"Lucy," he took a step forward "after all the shit that's gone done, how can you even ask that? I thought that we had at least some trust between us?"

"I…I do trust you, Jasper." Why was he making this so hard? "It's just, I didn't want another person to know, to feel sorry for me. That's the _last _thing I need."

"But.."

"No, just listen to me." Shame had now been replaced with anger of my own. "Every day, I have to live with what happened to me, deal with things that no girl my age should even be thinking about."

He eyed me, confused. "What kind of things?"

God, he was really going to make me say it wasn't he? "Jasper, I was raped." I said it softly, the very word still caused me so much pain. "With rape comes the risk of getting some disease or…getting pregnant."

He seemed completely frozen at the very mention of pregnancy. "Did you?"

Shaking my head, he exhaled. "I thought I was but no." He looked away, eyes locked on the ground as we remained standing there.

"This," he eventually looked back at me "what happened to you, this is why you moved here isn't it?"

"Jasper, please." I stopped him. "I can't do this anymore." I stepped around him, finally making my way to the kitchen. He followed me, not surprisingly, leaning against the counter and watched me as I grabbed a glass of water, downing as much as I could before setting it down. His eyes lingered on my hands that were still trembling.

"Will you answer my question now?"

Sighing, I thought quickly if I should tell him. He was already visibly angry and I was terrified of the thought of him being pushed over edge, on my account no less. Though, with the way he was staring at me, I realized that not telling him would be much worse.

"Yes and no." It was a vague answer and he silently called me out on it. "It's complicated Jasper."

"I…where I ended the story, it wasn't exactly the end." Watching, his eyes were already beginning to fill with anger. "After my brother and Andres talked, they came back inside. Andres told me that if ever told anyone what happened in the house, that he raped me, he'd come back."

His eyes narrowed. "Come back?"

I decided to clarify. "Come back for me."

"He threatened you?" He seemed to be in a state of disbelief. "And you didn't tell anyone? Call the police, something?"

Even though I was thousands of miles away from him, the very thought terrified me. "No, no Jasper. No one here can _ever _know. If word got back that I said something…."

"Wait," he cut me off "anyone here? Are you telling me that your parents don't know what happened?"

I shook my head, fresh tears threatening to fall over.

"They don't know that you were… _raped_?" God, the way he said it, it was making this so much harder. "How can they not know?"

"All my parents know," I took a deep breath, knowing this wasn't going to go over well "is that someone came to the house and tried to hurt me and that Carlos made the decision on his own to join the gang rather than forced. That alone broke their hearts and there was no way I could tell them, put them in danger."

"Danger?" I could tell he didn't believe me but, how could he? Unless you've lived it yourself, there's no way.

"You don't understand, Jasper. When Andres threatened me, it wasn't just to scare me. He literally meant it. Where we're from, that's how messages are sent. If you even so much as glance at someone like Andres the wrong way, they'll hurt you…kill you."

"Oh, come on, Lucy. That's just…that's just fucking crazy."

"No," shaking my head, I stepped closer to him "Crazy would be if the only two people who knew were here with me instead of dead and in a gang! What happened to me Jasper, how I grew up, isn't crazy. It's my life, and I deal every single day! You don't think I dream of what it'd be like…for my family to still all be together instead of torn apart? How does that make me crazy Jasper? Tell me that?"

"I…I wasn't calling you…"

"The pain of what happened, I carry it every day with me! The fear, the guilt, it's there all the time and it never goes away!"

Stopping, I took deep breaths and closed my eyes for a few seconds. As much as I wanted it all to go away, I knew that it wouldn't. It'd always be there, haunting me.

Opening my eyes back up, Jasper was still in front of me, but he was standing a bit taller, running his hands through his hair.

"Lucy," he said my name with slight hesitation.

"You don't have to say anything, Jasper. Really, there's nothing you…"

**Jasper**

I didn't let her finish. I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around her.

I didn't know if she'd even let me hold her, but I needed to. Needed to feel that she was safe, whole, and alive. Only, she wasn't whole. Not by a fucking long shot. I knew enough about rape to know that it left huge emotional scars.

My arms around her, she was tense with her eyes closed and she seemed to be holding her breath. It was then that I realized that I was holding my breath as well. After what she had just told me, the last thing I needed was her to fucking go off the deep end.

I held her tight enough that she couldn't get away, but I was careful not to hurt her. If I'd known…If I'd only known what she'd been through, I wouldn't have tried to kiss her the way I did before.

Well, I sure as hell would still have tried, but I might have done it differently. I could feel her heart beating wildly against my chest. She was scared. And that made me feel like shit.

Of course, my anger was in no way directed towards her. Was I pissed she hadn't told me earlier? Hell yes I was, but that wasn't even the issue at hand. I had thought she was completely overdoing it but, when I saw the absolute terror in her eyes, I realized that this was no joke. This was her world, the life she lived before she moved her but fuck, her life here wasn't any better. She was still paranoid, forced to deal with this all on her own.

She was right about one thing though, I didn't understand. I didn't understand it at all. I don't know what I thought had happened but it sure as hell wasn't this. Never did I think that something so vile and traumatic could've happened to Lucy.

Lucy was smart and compassionate and for this to have happened to her, it made no sense. She didn't deserve it. She was so young, fragile and innocent and some asshole took that all away from her.

I turned my head, my lips near her ear. "I want to kill him, Lucy." I whispered as softly as I could. I waited a moment, wondering if she would respond to that. She didn't say anything, but I knew she heard me when her arms came around me.

It was as if by telling me, she'd had some sort of fucking breakthrough. Now that I knew her terrible secret, she could touch me? Under any other circumstances, I'd be thrilled that she was hugging me. But now…it was just that much more fucking tragic.

Still breathing a bit erratically, I moved my hand softly up and down her back, in hopes in calming her down. I had no fucking idea what to tell her. What _could _I tell her? From experience, I knew that sometimes the best way to help someone, when words failed you, was to offer them a bit of physical comfort.

"Jasper?" Her muffled voice came to me loud and clear, lifting her head a bit so she could me. "I…thank you."

Her statement of gratitude threw me off. What in god's name was she thanking me for?

"For what?"

"For not being angry with me, not judging or thinking any less of me."

Oh hell, she wasn't really doing this was she? Reluctantly removing my arms from her tiny frame, I rested my hands on her shoulders, sighing in frustration when she seemed uncomfortable with me touching her like this. I thought we were getting somewhere, but who was I kidding? Things like this didn't just disappear in one day.

"Lucy," I looked down at her, "how in hell can you even ask me that? What happened to you is not your fault. Some fucker did this to you and I swear if I could I'd…"

"No, Jasper you can't." Her eyes flickered, teetering between fear and shame, tears prickling in the corners. I gripped her a bit tighter again, fully prepared to hold her close me, keep her safe but the sound of the front door swinging open stopped me.

"_Lucinda!_" Her father's hard voice caused her to jump and my hands to fall to my sides. "What is going on here? Are you…crying?" He approached us closer, taking a better look at his daughter. Seeing tears, her fearful expression, it was clear that he was two seconds from kicking me out of the house, again.

"_Es nada_, dad." She wiped her face with the back of her hands.

"Did he," he came closer "did this boy hurt you?"

Lucy flinched, shaking her head. "No dad, he didn't hurt me. Jasper would never."

Fucking hell, it took everything to restrain myself to tell him right then and there what happened to his daughter, but I knew this wasn't my business or my secret to tell. He had no idea, the weight of that very question.

As much as I didn't want to leave Lucy like this, I knew that the longer I stood in this house, the harder things were going to be on her and that was the last thing I wanted for her right now.

"Uh, Lucy?" I looked at her, completely ignoring her dad. "I'm going to get going alright?" I hoped she understood that I was both telling her and asking her if she'd be okay here with her parents.

Her quick nod was enough answer for me. I slowly walked out of her kitchen, grabbed my things and headed outside. Though I knew I shouldn't, I turned quickly back towards and her house and wasn't too surprised to see Lucy staring at me from the window. Fuck, she was still scared and here I was, leaving her.

Unlocking my door, I sat inside for a good five minutes, battling myself. My hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, I couldn't shake this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. One part of me wanted to go straight back inside and keep Lucy at my side all night, every day for that matter for the sake of making sure she was safe. And then, there was the other part of me, the part that was cold and emotionless, who was telling me that going back would do nothing for her, that she didn't want me or need me.

"Fuck." I slammed the wheel with my hand, staring the car before peeling out of her driveway as quickly as possible.

I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.

* * *

**There really are no words....as always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated. **


	21. I'll Stand by You

**AN: the reviews from last chapter were amazing. You all sympathized greatly with Lucy and I love that. **

**Thanks to my girls who helped me a lot with this chapter, I don't know where I would be without them! Enjoy.  
**

**

* * *

****Chapter 21: I'll Stand by You**

**So if you're mad, get mad  
Don't hold it all inside  
Come on and talk to me now  
Hey, what you got to hide?  
I get angry too  
Well I'm a lot like you  
When you're standing at the crossroads  
And don't know which path to choose  
Let me come along  
cause even if you're wrong  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you Ill stand by you  
Take me in, into your darkest hour  
And I'll never desert you**

_Rape. _

Four letters and everything had just been thrown into fucking perspective. How could I not have not seen it before? How could I have been so blind to see what was right in front of my face?

Lucy had been harboring this secret for almost four years and she never told anyone until today. What the hell was that all about? How could she keep something so traumatic and disturbing secret for so long?

_People keep secrets all the time Jasper. You should know that more than anyone. _

I clenched my hands on the steering wheel as the inner voice in my head raged on. Of course I knew what it was like to keep secret. Hell I had been doing it for years, but this was completely different. I kept them because I chose to; Lucy kept hers because she was forced to.

I thought back to everything I had heard and witnessed but what stood out the most to me was the day her brother visited and made me promise him that I'd take care of his sister, make sure she was safe. Was it possible that he had the same fear as Lucy? Even though she was in a completely different state, were they right? Would Lucy ever really be out of danger?

The last question, the mere thought of Lucy ever being completely safe made my stomach clench. That along with all the thoughts and possibilities running through my mind were literally making me nauseous that by the time I pulled up to the house, I wanted nothing more to sleep this all off. I wasn't prepared for this shit, didn't know what to do with this new found information.

Slowly making my way into the house, I shut the door as quietly as I could behind me so I could make a clean escape upstairs without being badgered. I failed miserably.

"Jasper?" It was Carlisle. "Is that you?"

Who the hell else would it be? "Yes." My voice sounded a bit strained, strange for even me. Knowing he wouldn't just let me leave, I walked over to the dining room where they were all sitting down for dinner. "Is everything alright? How's Lucinda?" He continued once I came into view.

I tried to downplay it. "Fine."

"You look like shit." Looking over, I met my brother's gaze and while there was sarcasm dripping in his voice, I could see there was a hint of actual concern in his eyes. Though, that disappeared with his next comment. "You and Lucinda have too much fun today?"

As much as I wanted to punch the shit out of my brother for that comment, I didn't have the strength to deal with the aftermath that would surely follow for hitting the golden child.

"Edward, enough." Carlisle glared at his son quickly, turning back to me when he saw I was leaving the room. "Come have dinner Jasper, you don't look good."

"I'm not hungry." My stomach was still doing flips, there was no way I could keep anything down right now.

"It's not good for you to skip meals. Look at what happened to your friend today, son."

Turning back on my heel, I looked at him, not believing the piece of shit comment that had just come out of his mouth. "Don't talk about her like that Carlisle, you have no idea the shit she's going through."

That must've sent off a red flag in Esme's mind because she was quickly touching Carlisle's arm softly, murmuring something to him.

"Why don't you get some rest Jasper? I'll save you a plate in case you get hungry later okay?" Her voice was soft, but with a twinge of uncertainty in it. I could see in her eyes that she knew something was up, but she wasn't saying anything. Which personally, I was thankful for. Esme sure knew when to quit while she was ahead, always knowing just where to stop before crossing any lines.

Nodding, I walked as quickly up the stairs as I could without making myself sick. Once inside, I locked the door, grabbed some clothes and headed straight for the bathroom. Even just listening to Lucy's story, it made my skin crawl. I needed to calm down, get my head back on straight so I could try and figure things out.

I accomplished one of two goals. While I was able to breathe much easier when I got out of the shower, I was still confused as hell. All these idea were swirling around my mind, resulting in a headache that wouldn't go away not matter how hard I tried.

I had been sitting on the bed for a good hour or so when there was a quick knock at the door. It was far too soft to belong to either Carlisle or Edward so that only left one person. Though I didn't really feel like dealing with anyone at the moment, I knew it'd hurt Esme if I ignored her and that was the last thing I wanted to do. She was a good woman and I honestly had nothing against her. Sure, she may be happy _all _the time, but she's a very smart woman than I'm sure most people gave her credit for.

Opening the door, I stepped aside so that she could walk in, closing it behind me. She sat on the edge of the bed, hands folded in her lap and offering me a bit of a smile. Watching her sit there, she in some ways reminded me of Lucy. Quiet, observant and at the moment was waiting for me to say something.

When I didn't, she took initiative. "Carlisle told me what happened today with Lucy, how she got sick and how you helped him. I think what you did was very brave."

I didn't know exactly what she meant by that comment. I didn't know how much Esme knew about me, about my past. I hadn't exactly told Carlisle that he wasn't allowed to talk about my mother, but I would think that he'd have enough decency not to.

"She's my friend, Esme. I had to help her."

She nodded. "Of course. Though, he also mentioned something to me…" she hedged, in hopes of maybe me catching on and explaining to her. I knew what she was talking about, but I remained silent.

"He said that when he was going to give her the shot, you got extremely protective over Lucy."

"So? Is that wrong? I didn't want his hands on her."

"He was just helping her though, honey. He said you were acting like he was going to hurt her."

I shrugged. "Esme, I…there's just…I couldn't let him."

"Jasper, come sit down." She moved a bit and I reluctantly sat beside her. "Talk to me, you look very stressed and worried."

Was I that fucking transparent or was Esme really that keen of an observer? I was stunned by her statement. No one had asked me to talk to them, and actually seemed to care about what I had to say in a very long time. Staring at her, my stomach tightened again and the sudden urge to tell her what happened almost became too much.

"Can I tell you something?" The words left my mouth before I could stop them.

"You can tell me anything."

Opening my mouth, I closed it instantly when Lucy's voice floated into my head.

'_Jasper, no one here can ever know.'_ Fuck!

"Never mind." I shook my head. "It's nothing."

She didn't buy it for a second, but she didn't press me any further. "Well, okay then sweetie. If you decide later you need to talk or anything else, know that I'll always be here for you." Getting up off the bed, she gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze before walking towards the door.

I realized right then and there if there was one person who I could say something to without fear of it getting around town or back to Lucy, it was the woman that was leaving my room.

"Esme, wait." I called her, not moving from my spot on the bed. "I…it's Lucy."

Understanding graced her features as she came and sat back down.

"If I tell you Esme, you have to promise me. You have to fucking promise you won't tell anyone, especially Carlisle."

She seemed hesitant. I knew Esme wasn't a lying woman, she probably shared everything with her husband, but this she couldn't speak of to anyone.

"Jasper, honey I…" she trailed off when she must've seen the look of desperation in my eyes. Sighing, she eventually nodded. "I promise, I won't say anything to anyone."

Knowing the spotlight was on me, I took a deep breath before continuing. "Something happened to Lucy before she moved here."

It was vague, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to say the word.

"Okay." She was patiently waiting for me to go on.

"Lucy…she, uh…" _raped Jasper, she was raped._ _It's not difficult to say the word is it?_

Like hell it wasn't. Saying it would only make it more real and I wasn't sure I couldn't handle that quite yet.

Taking a swift breath, I just said it. "She was…raped." I stammered on the last word, voice and emotions already starting to betray me.

Esme didn't have the reaction I thought she would've. Thinking she'd gasp and get all fucking emotional on me, she did no such thing. Her eyes widened for a second, clearly shocked by what she had just heard. Placing her hand over her chest, she shook her head slowly as if she was trying to keep herself from tearing up.

After a minute or two of silence, she eventually looked over at me and, in a gesture that caught me off guard, she lifted her hand and touched my cheek softly, her hand warm and comforting.

"I figured it was something of that nature." She whispered, sadness trickling out.

"You…wait what?"

"I may not know her very well honey, but in all the times I've seen her and spoken to her, there was something about her that seemed to be…well, troubled. Like she was hiding something."

Her hand lingered for another second. "Like she was scared."

How in God's name was Esme able to pick up on that? I spent nearly every day with that girl and school and I had no clue what so ever. "You had no idea did you?" She searched my eyes, seeing that I was beyond confused and angry by all this.

"No fucking idea."

"Rape," she began, but paused when I seemed to cringe at the word "rape isn't something easily dealt with Jasper. It'll take some time before you can come to terms what happened to her. It'll be hard since you care about her so much, but hopefully one day you will."

"Hopefully?"

"Lucy's lived here for quite some time meaning that this happened a few years ago, but look at her honey. She isn't any better, she hasn't moved on from it."

She was right. Lucy may have moved away from the town, the guy who hurt her, but it was like she was still living in that world, scared and anxiety ridden every day. I thought about telling her about the threat made to her, but I couldn't. Simply telling her that she had been so horribly violated was bad enough.

"I don't know what to do, Esme." Moving her hand, she placed them in her lap again. "What do I do? How can I look at her the same, knowing that some asshole hurt her beyond repair?"

She nodded. "It's going to be difficult at first, but the last thing Lucy needs is for the one person she trusted enough to tell to start treating her differently. I know you're already protective of her, but you need to keep things as normal between you two as possible. If she has this sense of normalcy then maybe she'll open up more to you. Who knows, maybe she'll start to get better."

I hardly doubted that. I wasn't a professional, I couldn't give her the type of help that she needed.

"Just be her friend, Jasper. That's what she really needs." She answered my unasked question.

"Damn it Esme, how do you know all this shit? You always know just what to say."

Her smile grew a bit wider. "I'm a mom." Three words and I didn't know how to respond to that. "And know that while I can't replace your mother, know that I do care about you honey and think of you as part of my family."

_A mother…part of her family? _These were just more things that I wasn't capable of handling right now.

"Be her friend?" I repeated. "That's it?"

Her smile remained, but more out of sympathy than happiness. "That's all you can really give her right now, Jasper."

"Will that be enough? Will it help her?"

"I don't know to be honest. Everyone deals with things in different ways, but I do know that Lucy is _very _lucky to have someone like you in her life. You may not see it right now, but she sees something in you…she allowed herself to trust you. Which I'm sure is something she doesn't do a whole lot anymore."

Again, she was right. Though, Lucy wasn't exactly dealing with this. She was stuck, living somewhere between her present and past, without so much as looking towards her future. How could she when she was constantly plagued by what happened to her?

"Maybe it would help," she continued "if you talked to her honey."

"Talked to her about what?"

"About your mother." She stated it so simply and yet, it was anything but. "I know it's not the easiest thing to talk about, but I think it would do you some good."

I looked at her. How did this go from a conversation about Lucy to one about my past? "I don't think it would. Besides, the last thing Lucy needs to hear is about my shitty past."

She sighed. "Honey, trust is a two way street. If you're going to tell someone, she'd be the right person."

I couldn't possibly what good telling Lucy would be, but I just nodded not wanting to upset Esme.

"I'm glad you told me what happened. While it's extremely sad what happened to that sweet girl, I think now that you know, things can hopefully start to get better for her. She'll have someone to talk to and maybe eventually, she can get some help. Just, promise me you won't get angry with her."

I did a double take. How did she know? "Why?"

"She just told you something that she's most likely kept buried for a long time, but in order for her to continue to trust you she has to know that she can confide in your without you getting upset. If you do, she'll become fearful of you too and that's the last thing you want right?"

"Yea, I hate it when she thinks I'm mad at her. Makes me feel like shit."

She laughed softly. "Good, it should." That seemed to end our conversation because she was standing up soon after. "Come down when you get hungry okay?"

"Alright." Now that I had talked to someone about it, my stomach was in knots anymore. It was like when I told Esme, getting it off my chest, I was able to breathe better. I was still mad as hell on the inside, but I was able to control it better now. If I was going to be there for Lucy, continue being her friend, I was going to need to learn how to control my temper around her. I'd have to learn to control a whole lot more than just my temper though. Even though she advised me not to treat her differently, how could I not.

I'll admit, I was oddly protective of that girl. She was my friend and I wanted no harm to come to her what so ever. I would try, but I had a feeling that the surge of protectiveness I got when I was around her was only going to increase tenfold.

Besides watching what I said around her, I was also going to have to watch how I acted. Difficult, being as everything she did drove me crazy. To me, there was still something so innocent about Lucy that drew me in. Her eyes, those lips and the way she bit the bottom one all the damn time, it was temptation as its' finest. She was blissfully unaware of it of course and that just made it all the more enticing.

Regardless of how badly I may or may not want her, I knew that now probably wouldn't be the best time to try and tell her that. Lucy had already made it very clear that she and I could never be anything more than just friends. I used to think that was bullshit, but I know better now.

The day in her room when I tried to kiss her, when she fucking flipped, I thought it was because she was nervous, having never kissed a guy before. No, I see now it was so much more than that. I was just too hormonal to see it.

Though, even if I had paid closer attention, would I really have figured it out on my own? I had never met someone who had been sexually assaulted before, but I had read some things and watched enough TV to have been able to see it.

Lucy was almost always on edge, her eyes always dancing around a room. What should've been the biggest red flag however, I ignored it. The fact that Lucy never let anyone touch her, or get to close to her made so much more sense now. She was terrified of people touching her. It wasn't just some odd quirk of hers, she was genuinely afraid of people.

That fucker really messed her up.

There was something though that stood a bit out of place. During the few times I had seen Lucy lose herself to the dark place as I referred to it as, I never understood why. Even knowing what happened to her, I still couldn't place it. I knew it had to do something with it, but I didn't know what.

I knew if I asked Carlisle he'd be able to tell me, but that was out of the question. There was no way I was telling him. Being a doctor, he would insist that Lucy get some type of professional help, even going as far as mentioning something to her parents and I couldn't let that happen. Especially since Lucy's parents were absolutely clueless when it came to what happened to their daughter.

That right there pissed me off more than anything. How could they not know? Even if Lucy never told them, wouldn't they have seen the change in their daughter? Or, had they been too consumed with their other child that they completely ignored the other one? That happened a lot in families. When something happens, all the attention can suddenly shift to one child while the other fades into the background. Maybe that's what happened with Lucy, but I'm not sure. Either that or her parents are idiots. Then again, parents are almost always blind to what's right in front of them.

As much as I wanted to figure it all out, my mind had already begun to shut down on me and I found myself physically exhausted from everything that happened today.

No, not just today. This entire week had been full of ups and down. Though, it had felt like a month, it was only on Monday that Lucy's brother showed up, kicking this crazy ass week into gear. Tuesday followed, the day Lucy hurt herself and told me about her thoughts on death and so forth.

Then on Wednesday was the day I visited her and tried to kiss her. Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I had to tell her, had to show her.

If only I would've known, I would've done it differently and gone slower with her. She had pushed herself to try and kiss me back, but it only set off something in her mind. I would hurt her of course, but she didn't know that. Trust me all she wanted, that didn't mean shit.

People, whether we know them or not, can turn on you in second. Why would Lucy think I wasn't capable of hurting her? Truth be told, we are all capable of hurting someone in some way or another.

It was that very thought that I fell asleep to. As much as I hated the fact that something so cruel had happened to a girl who didn't deserve it, what could I honestly do about it now? I couldn't go back in time, change the events of that day. I couldn't snap my fingers and make everything better for her. I wasn't about to tell her to do things, force her to get some kind of help. When she was ready, she'd do it on her own right?

Maybe now that I knew, she'd be able to trust someone else enough to tell them. No matter how hard I tried to help her, it was pretty obvious that the girl needed some kind of help that was beyond me. She could deny it, hell even I could deny it, but the truth was in front of us now and there was no turning back from it.

I slept for ten hours, but it sure didn't feel like it. I had tossed and turned all night, thoughts running a mile a minute. Waking up at six, I felt a bit lightheaded and remembered that I hadn't eaten the night before. After taking a half hour to get dressed and ready, I slowly trudged downstairs and into the kitchen in hopes of getting something in my stomach before heading out to school. Being as it was still early, I wasn't too surprised to find Carlisle still at the house. Reading the paper and drinking coffee, he looked up when he saw me walk in, looking slightly pleased when I didn't turn and walk in the other direction.

"You're up early." He noted and I watched him for a second. There didn't seem to be anything about him this morning. He was treating me any different than normal. Chancing a glance a Esme, she nodded her head, her assurance that she hadn't said anything.

I shrugged it off. "It happens."

"Want me to make you something dear?" Esme called my attention back to her. I was about to tell her yes, but I suddenly felt myself going from being completely food deprived to nauseous in a matter of seconds. Shaking my head, I opted for just some orange juice, hoping I could keep that down and hold me over until whatever this was passed.

_You know what this is, Jasper. It's nerves. You're nervous. _

Why in the world would I be nervous?

_Because until you see for yourself, you're going to be nervous as fuck until you see that Lucy's okay._

Was that really the reason? The reason why I tossed and turned all night was because of the fact that I was worried about Lucy? I knew I was upset, angry beyond reason all night, but worried? Shit, I never worried about anyone anymore these days. Had that changed over night?

_You've always been worried about Lucy, you've just been too much of an asshole to see it. _

I had been doing that a lot apparently. Whatever the case, I needed to try and calm down a bit. The last thing she needed was me staring at her like she was going to break at any second. I had to go about our day as we normally did. I had no idea if I was capable of doing that.

It would be like if I was in a car accident, but still showed up the next day and everyone treating me like nothing had happened. It just didn't make sense, it didn't seem like the right thing to do.

_Since when have you been concerned with doing the right thing?_

At one point in my life, I did. Guess that time, that person is beginning to come back. No, fuck that. That wasn't true. I still harbored deep hatred and disdain for people and the things that happened in my past. Maybe one day I'd change, but I highly doubted it.

Sitting around the kitchen for an hour was completely nerve wracking. I was on nerves end and my leg kept fucking fidgeting as I sat there. In the few minutes between Carlisle leaving and Edward coming downstairs, Esme quickly sat beside me and placed her hand on my knee.

"Sweetie, you need to calm down. Everything's going to be fine." She sensed my nervousness without me having to say a word.

"I need to see her." I blurted, but not really knowing where it came from. "I'm so fucking nervous Esme. I _need _to know that she's okay."

A soft smile graced her face. "I know Jasper, but it'd be best if you not to overwork yourself about it. You'll see her today at school and you'll see that things are going to be okay."

We sat for a few more minutes before I finally left the house, trying to drive the speed limit to the school. Pulling into my usual spot, I waited for a few minutes. I didn't see Lucy though. Maybe she was already there.

Those first four classes passed by slower than they usually did. Sitting through the period right before lunch, I kept my eyes fixated on the clock. Thank God we had a quiz and I finished early, otherwise I would've completely been oblivious and probably missed something important.

The second the bell rang I was off my ass and out in the hallway in a matter of seconds. My class wasn't exactly near the library so it, like always, took me a few minutes to get there. I tried not to seem desperate in my movements, trying to keep a reasonable pace as I approached the library.

Walking a bit too fast, I almost missed her completely. Standing across from the library doors, was Lucy. She was standing there, looking around as she twirled a lock of hair around her fingers. The closer I got, I saw she looked nervous. When she heard me she looked up, her bottom lip trapped by her teeth. Fuck, she killed me with that look.

What was she doing outside the library? Was she waiting for someone? Was she waiting for me?

In front of her, she finally met my gaze. "I can't go in there today."

Not what was I expecting her to say. "Why not?" Since when was the library scary for Lucy? It was usually her haven, her place to escape. "What happened?"

"My parents said I have to eat at school from now on." She huffed, a bit overdramatically like it was such a horrible thing. It pissed me off a bit, but I didn't say anything. They could get on her about that and yet they were blind to everything else? Fucking hell man this was crazy.

"Uh, well alright then." I didn't know how she expected me to respond.

"So," She sighed, her finger still twirling around her hair "would it be alright if we spent lunch in the cafeteria from now on?" She said it softly, like she was scared of what I'd say.

_Don't treat her differently. _"I don't care Lucy. Here or there, whatever." The tone of indifference was evident, but she just nodded as she let go of her hair and started walking towards the cafeteria. We walked in silence until we reached the entryway, where Lucy stopped in her tracks. She stared into the room, her eyes scanning the crowds of students who were sitting among friends and talking loudly.

"They aren't going to bite you, Lucy. Come on." I nudged her side gently. Seeming to snap out of it, she took hesitant steps forward and kept her head down the entire time as we got in line. Looking at the choices, she wrinkled her nose in obvious distaste.

"Cafeteria food isn't meant to be good." I reminded her. It was actually quite amusing to watch her. Dare I say it, it was fucking cute. Taking what seemed like forever, she finally settled on a turkey sandwich, a bowl of fruit and some water. They were quite possibly the healthiest things they offered and Lucy of course would eat that.

Even though she didn't need it, it was rather impressive to see the amount of strength Lucy had. Even with no one there to nag her, she was always conscious of what she ate it seemed.

_Strong, Lucy was strong. _

I, on the other hand, grabbed whatever I could. The lack of food in my system was finally catching up with me and I was starving. Now that Lucy was with me, the knots in my stomach disappeared. Glancing around, I hoped to find an empty table. The last thing I'm sure Lucy wanted was to sit around with people she wasn't comfortable around. Hell, I didn't really feel like sharing her if I was being honest.

Walking, we passed my brother and Bella who gave us confused glares. We passed another table where that sweet girl Angela and that fucker Newton were sitting. Finally, there was a table near the back that was empty.

Lucy sat down first, glancing down at the food in front of her. Setting my tray, I planned on sitting in the chair that was right across from her, but something stopped me.

_Don't treat her any differently, Jasper. Try and keep things as normal as possible between the two of you. _

Well fuck that, there was something more important to me right now. Turning back quickly, I sat down in the seat right next to Lucy. I _needed _to be close to her.

Confused, she lifted her eyebrow at me, staring at me like I had completely lost my mind. "Jasper? Wh..what are you doing?"

I thought quickly what to tell her. I didn't want to freak her out by saying too much or too little.

_All you can do is be her friend. _All sense of debonair and confidence shot, I probably looked like an idiot draping my arm over the back of her chair and turning slightly to face her.

She looked over at me, seeming to be holding her breath.

"I'm trying to be a fucking good friend, Lucy." My voice was low as I spoke to her, causing us both to fall silent for a minute or two.

Hoping I wouldn't have to repeat myself, I waited. We rather close to one another and in her silence, I was able to steal a few glimpses at her. Even though she looked tired, she looked more at ease than I had seen her in awhile, despite being so close.

Then, in the just the slightest movement, her lips twitched into the tiniest smile, she nodded and mumbled a 'thank you.'

Such small gestures and it seemed to make one hell of a difference.

Guess Esme was right. Maybe all Lucy needed was someone she could talk to. Why she chose me I hadn't the slightest idea, but she was my friend and if she felt some kind of comfort or safety with me then that's all that mattered.

Why, because I knew what it was like to be angry, to be stuck in the same nightmare over and over again. If she was going to get angry, you better believe I was going to be there when she did. If she was going to break down, it would be with me. At the end of the day, whether we liked it or not, Lucy and I were very much alike. Pain, hiding and hurt...I was the only one who understood.

Plain and simple, end of fucking story.

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**Jasper's mind...is very interesting place to be. His talk with Esme, I hope you enjoyed. **

**How he acted with Lucy there at the end, I hope you loved it as much as I did. **

**Your reviews are love as always.  
**


	22. Easier to Run

**AN: The response to my last chapter was amzing, thank you so much! **

**I'm not so sure how to feel about this chapter. All I can say is that being inside Jasper's mind...lead me to all this. Enjoy. **

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**Chapter 22: Easier to Run**

**Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past  
Just washing it aside  
All of the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
It's so much simpler than change**

**It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone**

Talk about what a difference thirty minutes could make. Though, it could've been thirty minutes or ten minutes it didn't really matter. All that mattered was the fact that Lucy was beside me and that fact calmed me tremendously. I couldn't exactly figure out why, but I wasn't about to risk anything and question it.

She didn't say much during lunch, but she didn't shy away from me either. A simple fact that looked like nothing to everyone else, but we knew better. Sure, there were a few times when people would glance over at us and whisper to each other. It was during those times that Lucy would stiffen a bit and look away from them. I tried to tell her that what they thought didn't matter, but she didn't listen. I thought I was stubborn, this girl seemed to be taking the cake. She wouldn't believe me, no matter how many times I told her.

After the fifth person mentioned something in passing I was on nerves end. I didn't understand these people. Yea this was a small town, but so the fuck what?

"You'd think this was your first time in the cafeteria."

She didn't say anything. "Lucy?"

"Yea, about that?" She looked at her food. "This is only the second time I've ever been in here. I don't really count the first time either. That was the day that um...well, you know."

"The day I got in that fight?"

She cringed. "Yea, the day that guy hurt my wrist."

Her mentioning of that day brought back the same anger and then some. I didn't know then how big of a deal it had been for that asshole to grip her like that. I was pissed because he was touching a girl like that, hurting a girl who clearly couldn't defend herself. I knew now that there was so much more to it. He had grabbed her, probably sending her mind and body into fear overdrive.

"Fuck." I looked up, scanning the room for said bastard.

"What?" She turned in her seat, following my gaze. "What are you doing Jasper?" She asked hesitantly. She knew me well enough to know I was pissed. "What's wrong?" Her slew of questions went unanswered for a few seconds, but when I felt her barely touch my arm all my attention went back to her.

"I was looking for that asshole from that day. The one who..._hurt _you." She understood now to what I was so upset about.

"Jasper, no." She removed her hand, shaking her head. "You can't do this."

What the fuck? "What are you talking about?"

"You can't try and protect me from everything. Pain is inevitable sometimes."

Well shit I knew that, but that didn't mean I had buy it. "He deserves to pay Lucy."

"And what will that solve Jasper? Nothing, that's what. Hurting him again won't erase what he did. Just like getting back at..." She sighed "nevermind. It doesn't change anything."

"It'd make you feel better though."

"Make me feel better or make you feel better?" My silence was her answer. "Can you just calm down?"

Like hell I would. Then I remembered. _Don't treat her any different. _Oh hell. "Fine, fine." I caved, just like that.

"You shouldn't let your food go to waste." She changed the subject like always, glancing over at the food still on my tray.

"Want some?" She actually seemed to consider it for a second, her eyes flickering between her sandwich and the slice of pizza I had. "It won't kill you Lucy."

_Wrong fucking choice of words. _"I mean...shit." I just kept digging myself into a hole. "That's not what I meant."

She smiled softly. "I know and no thanks. You can eat that" she waved her hand over it "greasy thing."

"Greasy but good."

"That's for sure."

We passed the rest of lunch, surprisingly, talking about food. She asked me about the things I knew how to cook and I learned about her favorite kinds of food. She loved Chinese food, I was good at baking. Why I was talented in the pastry department I had no idea, but it just worked out that way. We also both admitted that neither were things we indulged in these days.

By the time lunch was over, I was no longer nauseous nor fucking fidgety. Lucy had stayed close the entire time and I didn't know if it was because she trusted me more or because she didn't want to feel alone. Which, either reason was good enough for me.

I had to admit though, leaving Lucy and walking to my next class wasn't as easy as it should've been. I don't know what I was thinking I mean it was very unlikely that something was going to happen to her in those fifty minutes. Sure she could trip or something, but I doubt it would be anything life threatening.

_You need to get your shit in order man. She isn't going anywhere so stop fucking worrying. _

Easier said than done. There was some reason to that thought though. I had to stop worrying so damn much. Lucy had barely told me her story yesterday and now here I was, acting like a complete fool. An irrational fool. Lucy was safe now, no one was going to hurt her here. At least, not if I had anything to do with it.

_Oh, well there you go again. You can't be her protector Jasper. _

Bullshit, of course I could. Question was did I want to? A part of me was saying yes I could because I was strong and very much capable of making sure she was safe while another part of me said hell fucking no, stay away from that girl and her drama.

Considerate versus cold hearted bastard. Yea, I was _that _screwed up. So screwed that my altering thoughts were all I could focus on in my class. Yet again, Lucy had become the sole focus of my thoughts.

That shit wasn't right was it? She was just my friend, the choice to be just that should be simple.

Yea, like anything about Lucy or myself for that matter was simple.

Though, walking into our final class of the day, I realized that things weren't ever going to be simple when it came to this girl.

Sitting, she was resting her head on top of her bag and her hair was hiding her eyes, fanned out all around her. Seeing her like that was like seeing a red flag now. Knowing what she had been through, every little 'off' moment was driving me crazy.

"Are you sick?" Was the first thing that came out of my mouth when I sat beside her. Looking up slowly, she eyed me funny.

"Tired." Not a good enough answer and she knew it. "Really, I am. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." That much was evident, given the dark circles around her eyes. It hadn't been the first time she had this look. In fact, she had that look a lot. I had just never thought much about it. Some people just can't sleep right?

_Wrong, you're so fucking wrong. _

I knew that now. Shit. "You should take something for that."

The bell sounded just as she laughed. "I can't do that Jasper. There's no way."

I didn't understand what that meant. Lots of people get sleep pills from the doctor so they could sleep better so why couldn't Lucy?

_I'm pretty sure he's tall and intimidating as hell. _

Fucking hell man, it always came back to her parents. Well more so her father.

Being as it was Friday, we were able to a 'free sketch' or some shit like that. For the most part all the students, minus Lucy of course, worked on other homework so they wouldn't have to do it over the weekend. It was a smart idea, if there was something actually worth doing around here.

Glancing over at Lucy from time to time, I saw that was sketching some sort of flower along with a bird. She did it over and over. It seemed a bit compulsive to me especially since they all looked the same to me, but of course to Lucy they were all different. Why she was drawing a picture of those two things was beyond me, but at least she looked calm and relaxed so I let her be.

"Oh Lucinda," our teacher came to our table before class was about to let out "that is absolutely beautiful. Please tell me you're pursuing art in college?"

Lucy dropped her pencil and looked up, eyes wary. "I haven't thought much about college to be honest."

"Really?" She seemed stunned. "Well I hope that changes Lucinda. You're a very talented artist. I wouldn't be surprised if you could get a scholarship based on it."

Her eyes seemed to brighten at that statement. "Really? Oh…that would be perfect." Had she not thought of that before? Everyone knew that the kids who were smart and talented could snag some scholarship. Lucy definitely fit the bill, unlike me.

Lucy was college material, I wasn't. Community college maybe, but not a University.

She seemed pleased by that comment and when the bell rang, she had the smallest trace of a smile on her face. When she came to my car, she didn't look so tired anymore. Crazy how her moods and personality could switch so quickly. That was still one part of Lucy that I didn't fully understand.

We drove the familiar route to her house, but the second I turned on her street I realized that I wasn't ready to let her go home just yet.

"Where are you going?" She watched her house pass by as I kept driving. "Forget where I live?"

"I'm not dropping you off quite yet."

"And why's that?"

_Because if I don't see you in person, I get all fucking nervous and shit. _"It's Friday, Lucy. Don't you want to go somewhere other than home?"

I wasn't too surprised by her response. "No." Her next question, I wasn't expecting though. "Do I have much of a choice?"

I almost slammed on the breaks. "Hey, I will never force you to do anything alright? If you want to go home, I'll take you home." Turning to her when he stopped, I waited.

"You're such a _caviloso_." She frowned. "Where are we going?"

"I don't know." I thought she was going to say she wanted to go back. Didn't think she'd agree once I asked her. So, I just drove towards downtown, over where we had been before. Parking, we were about a block away from a coffee shop. Coffee was safe right? We walked closely, but not too close to each other down the way. Lucy occasionally glance into the small shops we passed, but didn't say much.

Getting to the shop though, she lifted an eyebrow. "Coffee?"

I shrugged.

"Do you even like coffee?"

"Do _you_?" If so, then whether or not I liked it or not didn't matter.

"It's alright, I'm more of a tea person." Go fucking figure. "I'm sure they have tea though oh maybe even hot chocolate."

"Hot chocolate? What are we five?" She ignored my teasing as she walked inside first with me close behind her. Walking in, it was pretty full. In fact, there were a lot of kids from school here. Must be some fucking hot spot in the town.

We approached the counter and I felt Lucy pause for a second. Looking up, I saw why. On the other side, with a very fake smile plastered on her face was Jessica; the girl who started that whole mess with Lucy that day in the cafeteria.

As much as I wanted to tell that bitch off, I knew that Lucy could handle it. She was strong after all.

"Hey guys!" She greeted cheerfully. "What can I get you?" Though her smile was wide, there was a tightness around her eyes that gave away the fact that she wasn't very happy at seeing us here.

I ordered the first thing I saw on the wall. Some coffee with caramel. Lucy, though having just claimed to drink tea, ordered a hot chocolate after all. She took our order, I paid and we went and found a table in the corner near a window. Lucy had a thing for windows, she was always sitting by them.

Like during lunch I took the seat beside her instead of across from her.

"Are you making this a habit?"

"Are you being sarcastic?" I shot back.

"No. You aren't normally so…close to me. So I was just wondering, that's all."

"Does it bother you?" Not exactly the best thing to ask her, but it was too late now.

"No, it actually doesn't. It's sort of…weird."

Weird was an understatement. Everything going on was making my head fucking spin. So when our order was called I was thankful for the rush of caffeine I was about to get. My mind was working overtime and my body needed to keep up.

"So what made you deicide to order this?" I handed her the cup before sitting back down.

"Chocolate is my weakness." She stated simply. "Don't you have any weaknesses."

_Apparently…you. _"No."

"Oh come on, there's has to be something out there you can't resist?"

_Yes, and she's sitting right beside me_. Oh, what the hell? "Fast cars." It was the first thing that popped into my mind.

"That's such a guy thing to say." See, told you. Total cliché. "There has to be something else."

She was right. There had to be something in this world that was a weakness to me. "Black and white pictures."

Setting her cup down, she turned and looked at me. "Wait," her lips twitched slightly in the corners "I thought you hated art?"

"I do. I'm no good at it, but photography isn't too bad."

"What about black and white pictures do you love?"

Draping my hand over her chair, I shrugged. "There's just something about them. Old pictures especially, those are even better."

She nodded. "I feel the same. I feel like I can use my imagination more when I see a black and white picture. Like, I have this picture of my grandparents when they got married way back when and I just love staring at it. I never met them so I like to imagine what their life must've been like when they were alive and got married."

She was rambling, but I was actually listening to every word she said. "I have some old ones my mom gave me when I was younger."

I stopped, my gaze suddenly dropping to the table. Shit, I had just mentioned my mother. Mentioning her always brought back memories. Before I knew it, I could see her in my mind.

"_Jasper, look!" She waved the photos at me, excitement in her usually dead eyes. "Oh, these are perfect." Paying the man, she handed me a stack of about ten black and white pictures. They were of various, random things but I loved them. _

"_Do you like them?" _

"_They're great mom." I was fourteen and it was one of the few good times we had. That day, was one of the last normal days we had. One of the last days that I actually had my mom with me. "Thanks." She patted my cheek before hugging me. _

"_I love you honey, always remember that." _

"_I know mom, I know." _

Actually, I didn't know. Maybe somewhere deep down she still loved me, but I didn't know for sure. After that, things got so fucked….

"Jasper?" Memory lane faded away as I was brought back to reality. "You okay?"

I took a big drink of coffee. "Yea, I'm fine."

"Well, is that a yes?"

"Is what a yes?"

She bit her lip. "Can I you know…see the pictures one day?"

_Keep that look on your face and I'll give you all you want._ "Yea, I guess."

"Oh, look." She glanced up towards the door. "It's your…I mean, Esme." Sure enough, Esme had just walked in the door. She spotted us right away and after getting her order, she walked over to the table.

_Please Esme, don't say anything to Lucy. _

"Well, isn't this a surprise." She smiled warmly. "Hi honey." I nodded at her before her gaze traveled over towards Lucy. "Hi Lucy."

"Hi Mrs. Cullen, how are you?"

Esme's eyes softened. "I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"

"I'm okay, a bit tired but I'm feeling better now."

"Oh, well that's good." Before I could register, Esme had walked around me and was standing in front of Lucy. In an unexpected gesture, she reached out and touched Lucy's cheek. "Such a sweet girl." Her voice was soft and when I looked at her, I saw that her eyes were glistening with the tears she was trying hard not to shed.

Oh, for the love of god. However, Lucy stood a bit hesitantly and Esme immediately had her arms around her tightly, whispering something to her that I couldn't understand.

When she pulled away, she nodded and looked at me. "Well, I better get back to work." She laughed. "I'll see you at home Jasper." Nodding, I watched as she left and Lucy sat back down. She was silent for a minute or two, staring down at the drink in front of her.

"You told her." It wasn't a question, it was a fact.

I knew I couldn't lie, Esme had just blown my cover unintentionally. "Yea, I did."

I expected her to get angry, tell me she never wanted to see me again. That's not what happened.

"It's must've been hard…to hear what happened?"

"I didn't know what to do Lucy. I had to tell someone. I knew that Esme would never tell anyone so don't worry…it's just I….well fuck, there were so many questions running through my mind that I needed to sort them out."

"What kind of questions? Why didn't you ask me?"

"I didn't want to make things harder then they already were. You were so upset already."

"Well we're here now so, what kind of questions do you have?"

Oh, I had plenty but I wasn't sure which ones to ask. Asking her about her mental state might be bad, so I crossed off that one. There was one though that had been nagging at me all night and day and even though I knew she'd probably get upset, I needed to know.

"How come your parents never found out?"

"I figured you'd ask that." Sighing, she wrapped her hands around the mug, warming her hands. "It's simple. I never told them."

That much I knew. "Why not?"

"I told you Jasper, if I told them or anyone for that matter…things would end up badly."

"What about the police?"

She scoffed. "The police can only do so much Jasper. Especially where I'm from. There's so much crime and violence that they can't possibly handle everything. Besides, gang members aren't exactly afraid of the cops. To them, they're just another threat to be taken care of. They don't care who gets hurt in the process as long as they come out on top in the end."

"I get that, but that still doesn't answer how your parents never found out? Didn't you I don't know, have to go see a doctor?"

She cringed. "Yea, I saw a doctor. Carlos took me to some clinic where no one would recognize us. When I found out I didn't have any type of disease and that I wasn't pregnant, there was no need to ever go back."

"Alright," she wasn't making this easy "even so, didn't you act…differently after it happened." 'It,' I couldn't even say the word again.

She nodded. "They didn't notice though."

"How could they not? You're their daughter, that's their fucking job!" I raised my voice a bit, but immediately lowered it.

"When Carlos decided to become part of that gang, my parents were devastated. My father had such high hopes for Carlos. He was going to go to college, rise above all the hatred, but things changed. They tried desperately to get him out, but he wouldn't budge. They didn't get it. For the longest time, my brother vowed to never get involved in any of that…and then for him to suddenly join in, they were beyond confused. They were heartbroken and they focused all their attention on my brother and I sort of….well, I sort of faded to the backdrop."

"That's fucked up."

"It's not uncommon though. When something drastic or tragic happens to one child, the other ones go unnoticed because they're focused so one kid that they don't have energy for the other."

"Maybe so, but…you said you told them someone tried to hurt you right?"

She nodded.

"Well, that's something pretty traumatic isn't it?"

"Yes, but…"

"So what, they just ignored that little fact? The fact that someone tried to hurt you?"

"Of course not. They just…well you've seen my father, even my mother Jasper. They don't think the way other people think."

"I don't understand."

"My father's a pastor, my mother is devout to her faith and religion. So, to them…the only thing that would help me was God."

"God? That's bullshit. How the hell was _God _supposed to help you?"

"God handles the things we can't handle ourselves. If we let him, he'll take care of us and eventually things will be all better."

"You believe that shit?"

She shook her head. "I'm not better Jasper. Sometimes when I wake up, I find myself reliving that day all over again. It's like I'm….stuck."

"Then why not tell them anything?"

"Are you kidding me? Defy my parents?"

She had a point. "But if you need help Lucy…"

She held up her hand. "I don't need help Jasper."

_Liar. _

"I think you're not understanding me."

Damn straight I wasn't. "You see, it's much easier to stay in one place…than it is to try and move forward. I know it probably doesn't make sense, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on from what happened. My parents told me that my faith in God would get me through this and I believe that to an extent. My faith _is _strong Jasper, it just…God's just taking a bit longer to help me."

"And that's it?"

"That's it."

"What if you never get better? Don't you want to go to college…have a family one day?"

"Of course I want all those things," biting her lip again she seemed to be thinking "it's hard Jasper. I can't just forget everything that happened you know? It'll always be there, haunting me."

Fuck, I was really running out things to say. She honestly wasn't listening and I didn't know how much longer I could listen to her go on about God. I had lost all faith years ago so I clearly wasn't the biggest fan of letting Him take care of things.

"You're parents are complete idiots." I was blunt with her. "I mean, you say you guys moved here to get away from all the violence right? Well, why if your father was able to see that and do something about it could he not see that there was something going on with you?"

"It's not that simple. Our reason for moving goes much deeper than that."

"Enlighten me."

"The danger, yea sure that's partly why we moved here. But, the real reason is because my father was scared out of his mind when Carlos joined that gang. He lost his son that day and it terrified him. He also was paranoid of something happening to me because of Carlos being involved with such bad people. Little did he know, but at the end of the day we moved here because my parents couldn't handle watching their son live that kind of life. When I say they were heartbroken, you don't know the half of it. Do you know…." she turned fully to face me "do you how hard it is to sit there and listen to my parents act like I'm their only child because it's too _hard _for them to bring up their son? For them to act like nothing's wrong when in fact…_everything's _wrong!" Throwing her hands up, some people turned and looked at her oddly.

She seemed to have an epiphany. "Everything's wrong, Jasper. And I don't know what to do about it anymore. It's so hard pretending, being the perfect daughter. I hate the thought of disappointing my parents. They've already lost so much…I can't bare to ever tell them what happened to me. It'd kill them, it really would."

"You have to tell them." I leaned in closer, my hand barely touching her back.

"I can't." She whispered, looking away from me. "I can't hurt them."

"You're hurting yourself though Lucy, in more ways than one." She winced, knowing what I meant. "How is that fair to you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, yes it does."

"No, because as long as I can pretend that things are okay then they will be. If I can spare my parents any more heartache, I'll do whatever it takes."

"But why?"

"They're my family. Wouldn't you do anything for your family, to protect them?"

_Not exactly. _"Protecting them and lying are two different things."

"I'll do what it takes." She repeated.

I didn't understand her one fucking bit. She went from just admitting that everything was wrong to saying that she'd do anything to help her family. How the hell was that going to work out for her?

"It'll never work, you're just going to make things worse."

Her narrowed eyes and sharp intake of breath told me that I had just said the wrong thing, again. "Lucy, shit I…"

"I think you need to take me home." She was already up before I answered her. Having no choice but to follow her, I met her outside. She was already walking towards the car. Watching her, she was walking rather slowly, her gaze fixated on something far away. When she got inside, she didn't say anything.

She didn't say anything the entire way back to her house. When we got there, she tried to get out quickly, but I locked the doors. She kept trying, but to no avail.

Turning in her seat, she glared at me. "Let me out please."

"I didn't mean what I said back there Lucy."

"Like hell you didn't." She whispered harshly. "I know that maybe you don't have as strong of faith as I do or maybe you don't have any, but I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't use it against me. The way things are right now, yea they aren't the best, but they'll get better one day…I just know it. For now though, I have to let things be. They're hard and painful, but there's nothing else I can do." Shutting her eyes briefly, she took a few deep breaths.

Knowing I had lost this battle, I unlocked the doors for her and she stepped out fast. "Bye." Her farewell was short as she slammed the door and practically ran to the door, disappearing from sight in a matter of seconds.

God, I was so stupid! It was pretty obvious that Lucy was stuck in some sort of fantasy world where she refused to see the truth, but she knew she was there. She wasn't dealing, she was pretending like nothing happened. That shit wasn't good for her, it was only going to make things worse in the long run.

As much as I wanted to be there for her, I knew I couldn't fix everything. She was the only one who could do that.

But fuck, that didn't mean I had to be such an asshole about it. I was supposed to be her friend, someone she could trust. Instead, I attacked her. After today, I wouldn't be too surprised if she wanted nothing to do with me.

My stomach clenched again as I drove off. Only this time, it was because of something I had said to her. I had upset her and that was the _last _thing I wanted. I wanted Lucy to trust me, not hate me.

God, I had fucked up in a major way.

Even though I still stood by my thoughts, I knew there had to be someway for me to fix this.

I _needed _Lucy to talk to me.

More than that, I needed _her. _

_

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**I think Japser just had a handful of revelations in this chapter wouldn't you agree? Especially that last one. **

**Your reviews are love...and it's my birthday tomorrorw so yea, leave me some!! =)**


	23. Chemicals Collide

**AN: Thanks so much again for my reviews, I truly appreciate them all!**

**This chapter is pretty much a filler, being as I need to speed things up a bit. **

**To Perla, this chapter's for you dear! I hope you enjoy me sharing my Jasper with you (Just this once!!). **

**As always, I just own Lucy. Enjoy.**

**

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****Chapter 23: Chemicals Collide**

**  
I got a bit of a history  
But you're telling me that you don't care  
I've been a bit of a mystery  
The only thing that I could find around tonight was you  
So come on, come on  
You want to  
Shut your eyes  
And feel the chemicals collide**

It had been a little over a month since that week in January. A week that seemed to last for fucking ever. In a span of five days, I had witnessed and learned things about Lucy that most normal people would run away from the second they heard about it.

I, on the other hand, had a completely opposite reaction to it. Instead of being repulsed by what she did or turn away after she told me what happened, I found myself being pulled closer in towards her. I didn't know what it was to be honest. I kept telling myself that it was because I had promised her brother that I'd keep an eye out on Lucy, but fuck no one was forcing me to do that. No, I was doing it willingly.

Ever since she told me what happened, about some fucker who violated her, I had grown oddly protective over her. Oh I never said anything to her, but when someone so much as glanced at her when we were in the cafeteria or in class I made sure they knew to keep the hell away.

While on the one hand there seemed to some normalcy between us, there was still that awkward tension as well. I tried, but I still wasn't able to shake the words out of my mind.

"_I was raped." _How the fuck was I supposed to not think about it? It was something serious, something that was still haunting Lucy at this very point in time.

After that day she snapped at me in my car, she had been more cautious over the things she said to me. That was something I didn't want her to do. I wanted her to be able to trust me, talk to be. Though she wasn't as secretive as before, there were still some things she kept to herself.

Today though, today seemed to be a bit different. Why, because it was fucking Valentine's Day. Though I had never been one to celebrate this so called holiday, it was thrown in my face the second I woke up. Carlisle and Esme talked about their plans of going out to dinner later on tonight and Edward rambled about having Bella over at the house and him cooking for her. I wondered if he even knew how to cook. More importantly, I wondered about what I could do to stay away from the house tonight. There was no way in hell I wanted to be there while Edward and his girlfriend did God only knows what. Bella looked innocent enough, but I knew enough about my brother to know he could be rather persuasive when he wanted to.

At any rate, I didn't want to be there. I knew that I had two options. I could drive around aimlessly for hours around this forsaken town or, I could suck it up and ask Lucy if she wanted to do something. I would have to be careful in asking her though. I didn't want her to get all nervous and shit, thinking I was looking for something more. I made my decision before I even left for school so I was able to catch Esme before she left. Though completely last minute, she surprisingly came through me and promised she'd take care of what I wanted.

Being somewhat relieved by the time I arrived at school, I was actually able to focus in my first classes. It took me a good week after Lucy told me what happened for me to get back on track. Though she still took up a large amount of my thoughts now and then, I was still able to concentrate in class. Good, because I just knew Carlisle would be pissed if my grades slipped. I wasn't the smartest guy around, but I wasn't stupid either.

It was a good thing I had my head back on straight because nearly all the teachers I had decided to burden me with projects and papers. Thankfully, there wasn't much I did around here so it's not like I had any major distractions.

I was no longer meeting Lucy in the library, but rather in the cafeteria every day now. She still wasn't fully comfortable being in a room full of people, but she was getting better. People still stared, but she didn't say anything about it and neither did I.

I got my food as well as Lucy's, paid for it and headed to what was now becoming our usual table. Since that afternoon she got pissed off at me, I was trying to be nicer to her. She objected at first, but soon saw I wouldn't budge when I kept buying her lunch. She said it wasn't right, wasn't fair for me to spend my money on her. Technically it wasn't my money so I wasn't really complaining. It was only a few dollars anyways, it wasn't going to kill me.

Today was no different. She frowned as she approached the table and sat next to me. Another thing? She was getting used to me sitting beside her instead of across from her.

"Hey," this was her standard greeting. I nodded, noticing that she didn't seem to be in much of talking mood today. I didn't know whether to be relieved that I noticed that easier, or still be thrown off by her mood swings.

She flipped through a book while we ate in silence. Anyone else and this would fucking kill me, but with Lucy I could actually handle it. It wasn't awkward, it was just a comfortable silence.

All around the us, the room was full of couples sitting close to one another while others talked about their plans for the evening and what not. I knew if I could hear them then so could Lucy. I wondered if had ever even celebrated this damn day with anyone before? I doubted it. Not because she wasn't beautiful because God knows she was, but I knew she had this fear of letting people in and getting close. Why she was letting me do it, I still hadn't figured it out.

_Oh, and I thought you said you had no major distractions around here?_

Shit. I wanted to get my mind off of Lucy and Valentine's Day. Turning towards her however, I fucking failed. One look at her biting her lip in concentration and I blanked. "Lucy what are you doing tonight?"

_Smooth you jackass. _

She tore her eyes from the page and looked at me oddly. "Um, nothing. My parents will be out later than usual at the church."

Oh, you've got to be kidding me! She had just given me the green light. "Well, would you like to do something?"

She blinked twice, eyes narrowing a bit. Fuck, was she mad? "Like?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Something, anything. I just don't want to be home tonight."

"Why not?"

"Edward's making Bella dinner and I don't want to be anywhere near that house while they…" Her eyes widening made me stop. "Fuck, that's not what I meant by doing something Lucy." She looked absolutely terrified.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I continued. "I don't know, I could fucking cook or something."

Instead of looking at me like I was crazy, her lips twisted into the tiniest smile. "Cook?"

"Yes, cook." Did she not hear me the first time?

She pursed her lips, thinking about it. After a minute, she answered. "Okay."

Oh, thank God. "Alright then." Turning back to her book, I watched her for a second longer than normal. She didn't look excited or anything, but I suppose there would be no reason for her to be. She probably didn't even think about the whole Valentine's Day thing.

_But you sure are. _

Just because I was cooking, it didn't mean anything like that.

_Sure, sure. Keep telling yourself that asshole. _

God I hated my inner thoughts sometimes. They drove me fucking crazy!

Lunch passed rather quickly after that as did the following two classes. Art, like always, was completely boring to me. I used those fifty minutes to catch up on some homework that was due on Monday. Being as it was Friday as well as Valentine's Day, lots of people were doing the same. In the midst of doing my work, I could hear some people making snide comments about Lucy and I. Honestly, I didn't know what the fuck their problems were. Was this town really that boring that the only thing they could gossip about was the Dr. Cullen's new found son and the quiet girl who never talked to anyone?

"I wonder what they even talk about." No, I guess they didn't. Fuckers, they needed to get a life.

"People sure like to look at you Jasper." Lucy spoke, her eyes still focused on her drawing.

I scoffed. "Yea, more like talk shit about."

Frowning, she looked up this time. "I doubt they hate _you. _If anything, they're talking bad about me."

"Why would they be talking about you?"

"You've been here long enough to see how the girls in this school function. You're the new guy who wouldn't give any of them the time of day. And now, they see you with me during lunch and in class…they probably would like to hurt me."

Immediately my defenses were up. "No one's going to hurt you, Lucy."

"Girls can be vicious." She laughed lightly. "You should see the things they write about each other in the bathroom."

"Do they ever say anything about you?" If they did, I didn't exactly know. What could I do? Nothing.

"Not to my face. I think they're intimidated by you. Which, if I didn't know you personally, I'd stay away."

"What the hell?" That wasn't exactly a compliment.

"You're a bad boy Jasper and everyone knows it." She said it like it was nothing, like it was simple.

"Whatever," I dismissed that comment "just know that I won't let anyone mess with you, alright?"

She nodded. "Okay." Though she had agreed with me she didn't really seem to believe it. There was nothing I could do about that.

I was practically done with my history assignment when the bell rang. In a move I hadn't seen awhile Lucy jumped up slightly at the noise, her hand coming to rest on her chest.

"You alright?" Nodding she stood up slowly, looking up at me with an embarrassed smile.

"Lost in my thoughts again." Adjusting her bag, she brushed passed me. "See you in a few minutes."

What the hell had she been thinking about so intensely that she forget about the world around her?

_Probably the fact that you're coming over to her house and are making her dinner. _

Bullshit that didn't mean anything. We were just friends and Lucy sure as hell didn't see it as anything other than that. Right?

_She might, but she probably thinks you want something more. _

Fuck, that wasn't the case at all. I had no intention of doing anything to Lucy, no matter how much my mind drifted there from time to time. No, Lucy had made it _very _clear that she and I could never be anything more than what we were now.

Swapping my books, I got the ones I'd need for the weekend before heading out towards the car. On the way there, I passed a multitude of couples kissing and doing all kinds of hormonal teenage things near their cars. Talk about getting a fucking room. Who wanted to see that shit?

_What, jealous that you aren't getting any?_

That wasn't even a thought worth answering. Of course I wasn't fucking jealous. Why would I? I was in no way capable of being in any kind of relationship. Shit, even my friendship with Lucy was pushing my limits sometimes.

Even so, I couldn't stop my mind from wandering back to that afternoon last month when I had almost kissed her. In a way, I'm glad that I didn't. God only knows what would've happened. As much as I hated the way I went about that, I don't regret it for a second. Even if I didn't get those lips, I was able to kiss her cheek and that right there was something. Sometimes I could think about how warm skin felt when I brushed against her. If things were different and she actually let me kiss those lips, like actually fucking kiss her? Shit, I couldn't even imagine.

_You know what'd it feel like and you'd fucking love it. _

Damn straight I would. I was a guy after all, what did you expect?

"Um, Jasper?" Blinking twice, I looked across the roof of my car and saw Lucy standing on the other side. "Are you going to unlock the doors?" Shit, how long had she been standing there?

"Right." I fumbled with the keys, unlocking them so she could get in the car.

"Were you lost in your thoughts just now?" There was no amusement in her voice, but rather plain curiosity.

_Yea, just another fantasy about you. _"Something like that."

She nodded. "Oh, okay."

Reaching her house, it was a bit odd. I normally dropped her off, but today I was staying. I hadn't been to her house since all that shit had gone down inside. Meeting her brother, the day she hurt herself, getting sick and finding out what happened to her. All of that had happened inside of her house.

Walking behind her, waiting for her to the open the door, I wondered if I'd be able to handle being in that house again.

_It's just a fucking house._

Right. I could do this, no problem.

Wrong, I was completely wrong. The second we stepped inside of her house, images hit me one after the other. So much so that I came to a complete stop in her living room.

Not in a long time had I become so consumed with fucking horrible memories. I needed to get them out of my head and fast. I started making my way towards the kitchen, Lucy catching on and leading the way. The further I stepped away from the living room, the more the images seemed to fade away.

We were almost inside the kitchen when Lucy stalled. "Oh!" She stopped, turning around quickly. I had been too close apparently because she turned and ran right into me. Gasping, her tiny hands steadied herself on my chest, her cheeks flushing red.

"Sorry." She mumbled looking down at her hands, pulling them away after a second or two. "I um…" She was flustered and it was pretty amusing. I was making no attempt to move away from her and neither was she. "What are we going to cook?"

Damn, I hadn't thought that far ahead. "Whatever you have I guess." Nodding, she finally moved away from me and headed into the kitchen. I watched her as she searched around for something to make.

"Um, well we can have spaghetti?" She tilted her head, awaiting my response.

"Fine by me." That was simple enough to make. I helped her pull out everything we would need. We decided that I'd make the pasta while she made some kind of dessert. Why dessert? Who knows, maybe she had a craving for cookies.

_Sure, keep telling yourself that Jasper. _

We fell into a comfortable conversation as we began cooking. I learned a bit more about Lucy. She told me about her life in Los Angeles and I told her about growing up in Texas. It was pretty obvious that we avoided any mention of my mother and her brother. Anything else though was a safe subject apparently.

"What I wouldn't give to go back to California, even for just a day." She mused. "I love the beaches there. Do you like the beach?" She asked as the water began to boil and she checked her cookies.

"Do I look like a beach person?"

She pursed her lips, looking at me. "No, not really. You should go one day, I think you'd like it."

"Why's that?"

"The sun's so warm on your skin and the water isn't too cold. You can just escape and bask in all the natural beauty out there. Doesn't that sound wonderful?" She asked, an almost wishful tone to her voice as pulled the cookies out of the oven and set them on a cooling rack.

_If she was there with you, it would be amazing. Can you imagine what Lucy would like at the beach, dressed in only…._

Oh, I couldn't go down that road right now. Not with her standing right next to me. Granted, the vision of Lucy at the beach was nothing short of breathtaking. I could only imagine what it would be like to hear her laugh and see her at complete ease.

Wishful thinking I suppose. I don't know if Lucy would ever be at complete ease about anything.

After awhile, Lucy decided that she would watch me as I finished cooking. She hopped up on the counter and sat near where I was working. Off in her own little world as usual, I let myself glance in her direction every so often. She was barefoot, her ankles crossed as she swung them back and forth. She had removed her sweater before we started cooking, leaving her in just a dark blue tank top. Fuck, if I thought I loved that color before I loved it even more so now. Against her pale skin, it complemented her perfectly. How was it possible that a simple cotton shirt could look so amazing? Arms bare, she was showing off more than usual. What got me though was that neck of hers, following down to her collarbone. Shit what I wouldn't give to run my fingertips across the delicate skin that covered that area, dropping my lips to them to taste her. I wonder if she would taste like those berries she always smelt like. Would her skin be warm as it had been during those few times she allowed me to touch her closely. Fucking hell I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her tiny frame and just hold her to me. Lucy's touch, I had come to realize, was a comfort to me.

I knew it would be heaven and hell to even think about it. Heaven because she'd let me touch her, but hell because I knew I'd have to stop.

She was completely oblivious to me staring at her, but after a good ten minutes she seemed to come back to reality and eventually looked over at me. "I should set the table." Jumping down, she washed her hands before grabbing things from the cupboards. She moved silently and with ease as I finished dinner. She set two plates and glasses across from each other at the small table along with the salad in the middle. She seemed to like things in order and I wondered if she was a bit obsessive compulsive. It was something I had noticed about her over the months. If she was, I didn't really think much of it. I was just curious I guess.

Finally done with the pasta, I set it in the middle of the table and took the seat across from her. She, by routine nature I'm sure, grabbed my plate first and piled it up with the pasta and salad.

I didn't think I'd be able to eat all of it, but I didn't say anything. She served herself less than half of what she had given me.

"Oh, shoot." She frowned. "I'll be right back." Standing quickly she grabbed her medication and headed towards the bathroom. I waited for her and a few minutes later she reappeared, washed her hands and grabbed something for us to drink as well.

"I always forget I'm sick when I'm around you." She whispered and I don't know why, but something inside of me was fucking relieved at that statement. I didn't know if she meant that in a good way or bad, but I was seeing it as something good.

Eating, we played another round to twenty questions.

"Have you ever been to another country?"

I shook my head. "You?"

"We used to go to Mexico a lot when I was younger, but I haven't been in years. I really want to travel around the world one day."

"Yea, I guess that'd be fun."

"Wouldn't that be amazing? Oh!" She smiled suddenly. "You could take amazing pictures there. Can you imagine, all that history in black and white? Oh, it'd be beautiful." I knew that was the art side of her coming through, but I let her ramble on about all the countries she wanted to see. She apparently had a thing for churches. She was in love with them and had a long list of ones she wanted to visit. It didn't come as much of a surprise being as her father was a pastor. Though, something told me that it was more so her love of art and history than anything else.

Actually, the idea of taking pictures of all that different architecture seemed like a good idea. I hadn't taken pictures in a long time, but I wouldn't mind starting up again.

_What, has this girl suddenly become your muse or something?_

Maybe. Wait, what the hell? Where did that come from?

As if reading my mind, her next question caught me off guard. "When's the last time you took pictures?"

"When I was sixteen. Me and my…friend Alice, we went around town and took pictures."

"Of her?" She seemed genuinely interested.

"Mostly of the city, but yea she was in some of them."

"Is she a good friend? Do you still talk to her?"

Alice's voice suddenly floated into my mind. _"Is she prettier than me Jasper?"_

God, yes she was. "She's called a few times. She's over there and I'm here."

"Do you miss her?"

Not really. "People change Lucy. I'm sure by now Alice has forgotten about me."

She laughed. "I doubt that. You're not someone people would easily forget."

Now it was getting interesting. "Really, how so?"

She shrugged, a bit embarrassed it seemed. "Just because you know? You're a nice guy Jasper. Not to mention…" She stammered, stopping mid sentence. "That and you're such a _caviloso_, how could someone forget you?"

"What the hell does that mean Lucy?"

"Um," she blushed.

"You've been calling me that for months. I think I deserve to know."

"It means," she took a deep breath "someone who's moody and temperamental."

Well, that wasn't what I expected. "I'm not fucking moody."

Biting her lip, she just stared at me.

"What?"

"You are so moody," she shook her head, a small laugh passing her lips. "Every day it seems."

"That's fucked up Lucy."

"It's true Jasper. You can't deny that."

_I can't really deny you anything it seems. _"I might be an asshole, but that doesn't make me moody."

"If you say so, _caviloso_." I felt like she was teasing me, seeing how far she could push me before I…well I'm not exactly sure what she would be pushing me towards. If she wanted to push me to the point where I lost all control and fucking kissed her, well then I suppose that would be worth it.

_Keep on dreaming my friend. _

We talked for a little while longer, finishing dinner before she gave me some of the chocolate chip cookies she made. They were good, like I knew they would be. Lucy was talented in the cooking department as well. Just one of the many things that she and I had in common apparently.

She had just taken a bite out of one when her doorbell rang. The look of surprise and fear in her eyes didn't go unnoticed. Though it was instantly faded away, I couldn't help but feel completely helpless. Here she was, completely terrified over something simple of a doorbell. I wondered just how many small, every day things caused her to react that way. How many things took her back to that day? Fucking hell, I wanted to kill that bastard who did this to her. The thought never left my mind, the guy who did this to her.

"I'll be right back." She stood quickly and made her way to the door. Opening it, she greeted whoever it was.

"Lucy Ramirez?"

"Um, yes that's me."

"I have a delivery for you…" there was a bit of rustling before she closed the door. Try as I may, I was completely nervous to see her reaction. When she finally came back to the kitchen, she looked both intrigued and confused.

"Someone sent me flowers." She set the arrangement on the table and looked at it.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, what girl doesn't love flowers? It's just…well, who would send _me _flowers?"

Who wouldn't send her flowers was the better question. "Do you like them?"

"Oh, well of course." She leaned in and smelled them. "They smell amazing. And these are my favorite flower…" She stood up quickly and looked over at me, her head titled a bit as she looked at me.

"Did you…did you send me these?"

I didn't answer her right away. "You're the only one, besides my parents, who knows that Lilies are my favorite flower."

"Yea, well…you know." I felt like an idiot. I couldn't even form a sentence.

"Jasper, they're beautiful. Thank you so much." Taking a look at the flowers again, she sighed. "No one's ever sent me flowers before, let alone my favorite kind."

I found that really hard to believe. At the same time though, I could. It was odd.

"See, you're definitely one of those people who'd be hard to forget."

I felt that this dinner thing was going a bit too much towards the romantic side and I didn't want to ruin it by staying any longer or saying something stupid. "Well Lucy," I stood "I think I better get going."

She nodded, still entranced by the flowers. I swear that girl gets excited over the simplest things. "Thank you Jasper" She repeated. "I love them."

"Yea, you're welcome." I grabbed my keys before we walked towards her door. Turning around to tell her goodbye, she was standing rather close behind me.

"I had…fun." She nodded, like she was trying to reassure herself.

"It was nothing really." I tried to brush it off. However, when she bit her lip and her blue eyes connected with mine, I couldn't hold it back anymore. I needed some kind of contact. Knowing I couldn't go anywhere near her lips, I stepped in closer and wrapped my hand softly around the back of her neck and into her hair. She tensed like I knew she would so I did it quickly. Leaning down towards her I pressed my lips to her forehead, letting them linger there for a few seconds before pulling away. Her cheeks were red and her breathing was somewhat erratic.

"Bye Lucy." She waved silently as she watched me walk to my car, her door closing once I was inside.

Pulling away from her house, there was no anger or nervousness in my system.

No, her scent still surrounding me, I felt like I was at ease while at the same time like I would explode from the fucking little moment we had just had.

Shit, I was getting in way deeper than I had ever intended.

Though, for the first time, I didn't really give a shit. If the look on her face was any indication, she enjoyed it just as much as I did.

_Only a matter of time my friend…only a matter of time. _

Fucking hell man. But, I knew that things were changing. The closer I got to Lucy, the more I wanted to be with her. The more I wanted to know and the more I wanted to tell her the truth about me.

Yea, it was official. This girl was getting to me. Question was, could I look past my pride and let her in fully?

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**Oh well I completely loved this chapter and I hope you all did too! From his little fantasy moment there, to the flowers...you think he's going to let her in??  
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**Your reviews are love as always!  
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	24. Secrets

**AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. I'm so sorry for missing two Friday updates. I've been sick for the past week and a half and it took alot out of me. I'm not fully better, but I was well enough to finally finish the chapter. I hope you enjoy it!**

**As always, all I own is Lucy. **

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**Chapter 24: Secrets**

**I need another story  
Something to get off my chest  
My life gets kinda boring  
Need something that I can confess  
Til' all my sleeves are stained red  
From all the truth that I've said  
Come by it honestly I swear  
Thought you saw wink, no  
I've been on the brink**

**Oh, got no reason, got not shame  
Got no family I can blame  
Just don't let me disappear  
I'm going to tell you everything**

After Valentine's Day, things just started to fly by. Between dealing with all the schoolwork and being with Lucy, the time in this small town wasn't passing by so slowly anymore.

Of course, that was only during the week. Saturdays and Sundays were a bitch. I normally staid cooped up in the house with the rest of the Cullen family.

Esme didn't work and Carlisle normally didn't either so it was the perfect time for them to want to bond with their kids. It still fucking irritated me that Carlisle considered me as much a part of this family as he did Edward. It made no sense what so ever. All these years of no contact and all the sudden he's trying to be father of the year? Well, forget that shit.

The only person in that house who I could stomach was Esme. After I told her about Lucy and her helping me out with those flowers, I found myself talking to her more often. We always avoided talking about my mother or Lucy's secret, but everything else seemed to be free game. I wasn't too sure, but I had a feeling that she was still trying to get Lucy and I together. Even after all I told her, she was still holding out hope. As much as I didn't want to believe her, there was a tiny part of me that wanted to cling to Esme's hope.

Why, because I was becoming such a damn sucker for Lucy. With each day, it was like she was pulling me in closer. What was worse was that she didn't even know it. I suppose that was part of the appeal. Innocent girl draws in the worst of guys? Yea, that seemed to fit the bill.

Though sometimes, when she did little things, I wondered if she was really all that innocent. I always pushed that thought away because it made me sound like a heartless bastard. Of course she was innocent in that way, especially after everything that happened to her.

It crossed my mind a lot about how could I know that Lucy was pulling me in further. Well, if these past few days were any indication, I'd say that was a pretty legit statement.

We had been on Spring Break this past week and I was going out of my mind. While a lot of the kids from school ventured off to different destinations around the state and country, I was stuck at the house with everyone else. Just like during Christmas, I didn't know what to do with myself. Like I said, television and eating can only take up so much up of your day.

So bored in fact that I even helped Esme at her flower shop for two days. It wasn't much, but at least it was something. It gave us more time to talk about things as well. She somehow managed to get my interest in photography to slip out. She was good at that kind of shit.

She was so intrigued by it that she even convinced Carlisle to buy me a new camera. I tried to give it back, not really wanting another thing from them. But shit, I hadn't had a camera in so long that I eventually caved and just took it.

I got the camera on Wednesday. It was Sunday now.

Actually, it was Easter Sunday. Another fucking holiday. Esme and Carlisle had tried to convince me to come to church with them this morning, but I refused. I may not have the largest amount of faith, but I also know a thing or two about being a hypocrite. If I was going to go to church, it wasn't just going to be on special occasions. Either you went every Sunday or you didn't go at all. I chose to fall in the latter category. Religion just wasn't my thing, it never really was. Growing up, we hardly ever went so it wasn't something I was taught as a kid. Which that was whatever, nothing I could do about it now.

After they all, including Edward, left to church I found myself going a little crazy in the house. After about an hour or so of watching some reality show, I needed to get out for a little while. Grabbing my keys I headed out. The weather was nice and for once it wasn't raining. I don't think I have ever been to a place where it rained so god damn much.

For being the beginning of April, it was surprisingly breezy but warm. It was perfect weather to drive around and do nothing. It'd be even better if I was driving around with someone in the car with me.

My hands taking on a mind of their own turned down a particular street after that statement.

_What the fuck? _I glanced around the street, nothing looking all that familiar. As I continued to drive however I was quickly realized where I was. I had been here before only it had been dark then.

Before I knew it, I was down the street from the small church that Lucy's father was the Pastor of.

Well this was just fucking great. What was I doing here?

_Maybe you should go inside, get blessed. _

I scoffed, my hands strumming against the steering wheel. Like hell I'd go in there. I had already risked it once by going there, I didn't want to do it again.

_Well then what the hell are you still doing here? _

That was a reasonably good question. One I didn't have the answer to. I was about to turn my car back on and drive off when I noticed people starting to file out of the tiny building. I watched with curious as families and couples came out. They were all smiling, all dressed in their outfits I'm sure they bought for today. Everything about them screamed Spring.

As much as I wanted to leave, I couldn't bring myself to. Watching them all, my eyes were only on the lookout for one person. One girl.

It didn't take long since the church was so small. After waiting for about five minutes, I saw her come out. I couldn't miss her, she was standing there all alone.

_Fuck it right? _"Right." I muttered to myself as I went to open the door and go see Lucy. I was out of the car and barely starting to walk when I stopped. Taking in the scene not too far from me, I leaned against the side of my car and watched. It was too good not to.

A little girl had run up to Lucy, tugging on the hem of the dress she was wearing. _Fuck, she looks beautiful right now. _

Startled for a second, Lucy smiled when she saw the kid before kneeling down to be at her level. The little girl talked to her, her hands moving all around while Lucy hung on to her every word. After a minute or two, Lucy's face lit up in a small and she wrapped her arms around the little girl. I was shocked for a lot of reasons. One, Lucy seemed to be genuine in her smile and two, she was hugging that kid tightly without so much as flinching.

_She's a kid what do you expect Jasper? What harm could a kid to do to her? Lucy knows there's no danger there. Unlike with you…_

Shit, it was true.

The little girl skipped off and I once again began walking towards the small congregation of people, but got fucking stopped again. This time though, it was by some guy who was approaching Lucy. This time though I couldn't stay back and just watch. It was pretty evident, even from where I was standing, that she was comfortable around this guy, whoever he was.

I walked closer, trying to avoid the obvious stares I was getting. Why wouldn't I? I clearly wasn't a regular attendee here so they would be able to spot an outsider when they saw one. That and I'm sure most of these people knew who my father was. Well, they could look at me with their judging eyes all they wanted to, I didn't give a shit. The only thing that mattered was the girl who was coming closer into view with each second.

"So what do you say Lucinda, want to hang out later today?" I caught the conversation as I got closer.

"Um, I have some things to do with my family."

"Oh come on," he smiled at her and she cringed a bit "ditch your parents and come with me?"

What the hell was this guy's deal? He didn't sound like someone who had just come out of church. Probably just dragged here with his parents.

"I can't." She shook her head, her hands laced in front of her as she nervously bit her lip. Oh hell, I loved when she did that.

"Why? I've been watching you for some time now. I catch glimpses of you every Sunday…"

The words left his mouth and I could practically feel the fear flying off of her. Oh, this guy was such an idiot.

_Oh, and why's that? He knows nothing about what happened to her. _

I didn't care. He had upset her and she was trying very hard to hold it together. I decided it was time to intervene.

"There you are," I came between the two of them, standing so that I was facing Lucy "I've been looking for you." Still shocked by that asshole's comment she just nodded quickly. Taking a bit of a selfish step, I kissed her cheek quickly before turning around, my arm barely draping over her shoulders. "Can I help you?"

"I…are you.." he was stammering. Dumbass. "You two are dating?"

This guy didn't look familiar and he looked a few years older than we were so my guess was he wasn't even in high school anymore. "Yea, so why don't you leave her alone and go find some girl your own damn age to fucking flirt with."

He pursed his lips, trying to see if I was telling the truth. Lucy was silent, her body still a bit tense as she stood there.

"Well I guess that's my loss then." He shrugged and walked away.

Once he was gone, I didn't release my hold on Lucy right away. Only when she started fidgeting with her hands did I let her go. It was clear she was uncomfortable, but didn't want to say anything.

"Thanks Jasper," she was still looking at the ground, "I…I didn't know what to do."

"It's nothing."

"Did you hear what he said to me?" I turned a little bit so I could see her better. "He…it was almost the exact same thing that…"

I held up my hand. "I know Lucy, I heard him. Don't pay any attention to that asshole though, he's an idiot."

That earned a small laugh and she eventually looked up at me. "What are you doing here anyways Jasper? Did you…come to the service?"

I wanted to laugh at her. "Are you serious?"

"Um, yes? Why else would you be here? In front of a church?"

_She caught you. What are you going to say? _

"I just ended up here." _That's the best you could come up with? _"I didn't want to be in the house anymore so I started driving and next thing I knew, I was here."

She looked like she wanted to ask more, but didn't. "Well, I'm glad you were here."

_Maybe you knew she'd need your help?_

That was stupid. I decided to change the subject. "So what are you up to now?"

"Um, I'm going home. My parents are having lunch with some people from the church, but I don't really want to go."

"Oh, I see."

"What about you? Are you doing something with your family?"

I gave her a knowing look. No matter how many times I told Lucy that the Cullens were not my family, she still called them that. "No, I'm not doing anything with them. Why would I?"

"Lots of families do things for Easter. They get together, have lunch. That's what our family used to do before we moved here. Now that it's just us, we don't really uphold a lot of those traditions anymore."

The guilt that swelled in my chest was too much to ignore. I was always saying things to Lucy, forgetting that her past was sometimes something she missed. While I missed almost nothing, she missed a lot. Her family, they were important to her. They were her life, if what she did after she was raped was any indication. She was so willing to put their happiness and sanity before hers. It was fucking mind boggling to me and made absolutely no sense what so ever. Then again, lots of things about Lucy still didn't make much sense.

"I guess I should get going." I apparently was too lost in my thoughts again that Lucy thought I was ignoring her. "It was nice seeing you Jasper." She slowly backed away from me and started making her way down the sidewalk. What the hell was she doing? It didn't take long for me to catch up with her, to fall in line alongside her.

"Where are you going?"

She kept walking. "Home?"

"You're walking?"

"Yes. It's not that far from here Jasper. Just a few blocks that all."

"A few blocks my ass. Your house isn't that close and you know it. Come on," I stopped her and grabbed her arm, "I'll drive you home."

She shook her head. "No, it's okay. I'll be fine really."

_Not dressed like that you won't. _

"I'm driving you home." I repeated, this time making sure she understood it wasn't a question. She gave in, allowing me to walk her to my car and let her in.

From the time it took me to get from one side of the car to other, I had changed my mind. I decided that since Lucy probably didn't want to be home, I'd take her someplace else. Knowing that she wouldn't want to be around a lot of people and the fact that the house would be empty, I decided that'd be the best place to go. She took note of that immediately as soon as we drove by her house.

"You sure like to trick me Jasper."

"What?"

"You always say you're taking me home and then you just drive right on by."

"This is what, the second or third time Lucy? And I'm not tricking you, I just changed my mind."

"It's the same thing," she muttered, "so where are we going now?"

"The house." I never called it _my _house because it really wasn't. "No one's home and I figured you wouldn't want to be at yours right now either."

She just nodded and I knew I was right. Much as I tried to deny it, I knew Lucy better than she realized. Though I had no idea about the types of things that she went through, I did know what it was like to have your life completely shattered by people who supposedly loved you. In terms of that, I did understand.

We pulled up the house and I waited for her to get out. Once inside the house, it made sense to fix something for lunch. I didn't want her getting sick and it'd be pretty damn rude of me not to offer her anything. She tried to say no, but I wasn't having that.

Luckily for me, Esme always made sure that there was plenty of food in the fridge so there was bound to be something in there that Lucy could have.

It just so happened that there was still some leftover chicken salad that she had made yesterday. There was enough for both of us so that's what we decided to have. Being as Lucy was the visiting me, I did the serving and what not.

As she came to sit across from me, I took a moment to actually take in her appearance.

Her hair was down, curled at the ends with a pink headband pushing some of it back which tempted me to run my hands through it.

She was wearing a sleeveless white dress with matching white shoes to watch. On her small wrist was the bracelet I gave her for Christmas. Everything about her in that moment was almost too much to take in at once. _She _was too much for _me _handle was more like it.

Knowing I couldn't throw the beautiful card at her, I went for something way different.

"Lucy, you know you look like the fucking Virgin Mary right now?"

The reaction I got out of her wasn't something I expected. The corners of her lips twisted up for a second before turning into a smile. Shaking her head, she looked up at me.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, it's a pretty fucking good thing if you ask me." _What the hell? You might as well tell her she looks beautiful now. Way to be discreet. _

"Oh," she frowned, "well thanks I guess. I picked out the dress. I always get a new one for Easter. I guess that's one tradition we still continue. It was last minute though, but I thought it was a pretty dress." She stopped talking when she took my expression.

"Sorry, you probably don't want to hear me ramble about things like that. They aren't very exciting I know. I just…well, sometimes it's just nice to be able to talk to someone you know?"

_Oh you have no fucking idea. _"I get it Lucy. By all means ramble, I don't care." Only I did care. I wanted to hear every single thing she had to say. If it meant she trusted me and was safe, then she could talk about whatever the hell she wanted to.

She did just that, telling me the non eventful things she had done during our spring break. She mainly helped her parents out at the church and worked on some new art projects.

"What about you? Have you done anything?"

I shrugged. "Not really. I helped Esme for a few days and uh, I got a new camera." I wasn't sure how vital that information was, but it was too late now.

Her eyes lit up. "You did? Have you been taking pictures again?"

"Not really. I haven't used it all that much."

"Why not? I'm sure there's something here you can take pictures of."

_Like you? _"I don't think so Lucy."

"Prove it." She stood suddenly. "I want to see your backyard."

_What the fuck? _"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes. I just want to see it."

I gave into her after her second request. Standing, I led her towards the backyard. I had only been out here a handful of times, but I was pretty sure there wasn't anything out here that was photo worthy.

"Oh Jasper," she whispered my name, "You're such a liar."

"Excuse me?"

"It's _beautiful _out here!" She walked out further, her eyes taking in everything as she did so. "And this tree? Oh god, what I wouldn't give for one in my yard."

She once again proved the point that even the simplest of things amazed her.

"It's just a tree Lucy."

"It's so much more than that, you don't even know." She made her way to the willow tree that was almost exactly in the middle of the yard and stood underneath it. I knew she wanted to sit down, but was afraid that she'd get her dress dirty. I glanced around, thankful to see that there was a blanket resting over one of the patio chairs. Why there was one out there in the first place was beyond me, but I didn't have time to think about that.

"Here," I reached her and handed her the blanket, "so you can sit."

She unfolded and laid it out before sitting down. Leaning back on her hands, she outstretched her legs out in front of her, crossing them at the ankles. I sat beside her, making sure to leave enough distance and watched her facial expressions as she gazed at the way the leaves swayed back in forth when a breeze would flow by. She was absolutely entranced by it and I was completely fixated on her.

"Do you spend a lot of time out here?" She finally broke the silence and looked over at me.

"No. Why would I?"

"I would come out here to think. It's so peaceful."

"What would I think about Lucy?" _Besides you? _

She pursed her lips, as if she had suddenly thought about something else.

"Jasper," she hedged hesitantly "don't you ever think about her anymore?"

"About who?"

"You know, your mom?"

_Don't let her get to you Jasper. _Well, it was to fucking late for that now wasn't it?

"Not really."

"Do you miss her?"

I shrugged. "Yes and no."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Means, yes I miss the woman she once was and no I don't fucking miss the woman who made me into _this_." I gestured towards myself, in hopes of getting my point across.

"Did she hurt you?" She whispered, sitting up higher and placing her hands in her lap.

"Not physically, but emotionally and mentally? You have no fucking idea."

She winced. "Tell me about her?" It was a request rather than a demand. "If you want to of course."

My reserve shattered when I saw the hopeful and frightened look in her eyes. She was curious, wanting to know what happened to my mom, but at the same time she was scared to know. Hell, I didn't want her to know either.

"Lucy, I don't know if I should. You're," I paused and thought of what to say so I wouldn't hurt her, "fragile."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "I'm not. I want to know Jasper. Please? Maybe if you talk about her it'll make you feel better?"

Oh, I highly doubted that. Talking about her was only going to make things worse, I just knew it.

"I shouldn't, I can't. It won't make anything better."

"How do you know? Have you ever tried?"

Shit, she was being relentless.

_Yes, and you're being stubborn. Are you going to let her break you down? _

It wasn't about that. Lucy wasn't trying to prove something or get me to say something so she could use it against me. She just…well fuck she just wanted to know.

I realized then that no one had really ever asked me about what happened to her. About what _really _happened to my mom. Sure Carlisle tried to talk about it, but I refused to talk to him. He already had it in his mind why it happened so what difference would it make for me to tell him?

"No. Who would want to know that about me Lucy?"

She frowned. "Me. Maybe it will take away some of the hurt. I know that you don't exactly like a lot of people, but we're friends right?"

I nodded. She continued. "Friends tell each other things, even if they're hard. I promise I'll just listen if you want and not say anything."

With each word, each second that passed between us I found it harder to keep up this act. My façade was breaking in front of her. She wanted to know. She was even willing to just listen and not say a word when I was done. Who the fuck did that?

I knew that Lucy was right, but my mind was having a hard time processing that. We were friends of course, but could I honestly sit here and tell her all that happened before I moved here?

_Why not? She told you what happened and you practically forced her to tell her. She's giving you a choice. Are you going to take it, take that chance and talk to her?_

The internal battle with my mind was stronger than ever, teetering between letting Lucy in and shutting her out. I couldn't give her both, it wasn't fair to either of us. I knew that shutting her out more than I already was would only push her further away from me.

Did I want that? Shit, I had no idea.

I wanted Lucy as a friend. Oh who was I kidding I wanted a hell of a lot more than that, but wasn't sure if we were capable of something like that.

At the same time, I didn't want anyone knowing my secrets. I had spent too long hiding them, playing the part of someone who wasn't exactly me that for me to suddenly come clean, it seemed impossible. I honestly didn't want to.

Why? It hurt like a bitch to talk about my mom that's why. Yea, this tough front I put on means nothing because the second I think about her and everything that happened, I'm two seconds away from snapping and breaking down.

"You know what," she stood up slowly, "it's okay Jasper, you don't have to tell me anything. I just thought that you'd like to talk to a friend about things. It's alright, I understand." She rambled quickly, getting ready to walk away from me.

Fuck! _Please don't leave. _

I _did _need a friend.

I needed Lucy.

She was the only person in this god forsaken town who I could talk to.

The person who was about to leave me.

"Lucy, wait." I didn't move, but she turned back around. "Don't leave."

Her face softened a bit, her eyes watching me as she sat back down on the blanket. She even sat a little bit closer to me. Damn it, she was doing all this for me. She was trying to be strong for _me_.

That one little fact made me do a complete one eighty on her. "I've never told anyone before."

She nodded. We clearly had that in common as well.

"I'm here for you, Jasper."

I watched her, her gaze never breaking from mine. She may be shy and a bit emotionally unstable, but I didn't see any of that right now.

No, she was just trying to be a good friend to me. Her compassion wasn't something I deserved, but damn it I was going to take it.

It had been far too long since I had someone look at me the way she was right now.

Concern with a hint of sadness. She cared, she fucking cared about me.

I cleared my throat. "I've kept it secret for ten years Lucy, never wanting people to know this part of my life."

She nodded again, keeping silent like she said.

"When I was seven," I looked away from her for a second, "that's when everything started to fall apart. Things started happening that were beyond my control."

Images and memories flowed into my mind at full speed and I closed my eyes for a second to try and slow them down.

Opening them back up, Lucy was still watching me.

Well here we fucking go, there was no turning back now.

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**I really hope you guys enjoyed it. I think that the next chapter will be the one that a lot of you have been waiting for. I promise to have that out by Friday. **

**I loved these two in this chapter. Safe to say that they're both seeing things that they've refused to see before.  
**

**Reviews are love as always!  
**


	25. Beautiful Disaster

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I know I've had you all waiting so long for this chapter! I sincerely apologize. Between being sick, real life and writer's block...it's been a rough three weeks. I do hope this chapter makes up for it. I know it's one that a lot of people have been waiting for. **

**Enjoy. **

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****Ch 25: Beautiful Disaster**

**He's magic and myth  
As strong as what I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
But do I try to change him  
So hard not to blame him**

**Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter**

**Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster**

She sat there, silently waiting for me to continue talking. I honestly didn't know if I could do it. It had been way to fucking long since I had actually talked about my mother and all that happened to her.

I didn't know what would happen the second I opened my mouth and started. I knew there was no turning back, but I didn't know if I'd be able to handle it.

For the first time in a long time, I felt vulnerable.

Though, with the way Lucy was looking at me, I knew that I wasn't alone.

That, when this was all said and done, she wouldn't go running away from me. How could she? She, more than anyone, knew what it's like to carry a secret, the pain of something that happened in our past.

"My life's sort of always been fucked." I turned to face her better, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. "I never really had a choice."

"Because…because of what happened with Carlisle?"

"Basically. She used to always tell me that it was my fault that he never came back. That if she hadn't have gotten pregnant, she and him would've been together. I don't believe that shit for a second. She always blamed all her problems on Carlisle, saying it was all his fault that she was the way she was. That's a fucking lie too."

"What happened to her Jasper?"

"Her death was only a matter of time, Lucy. The things she did, it was inevitable."

She seemed taken aback by that statement and I didn't blame her. You didn't normally hear people bad mouthing their dead mother. Of course, maybe that would change once she knew. I highly doubted it though.

I decided to just go for it. "When I was six, my mom started using."

"Using? Like, drugs?"

I nodded, she frowned. "It wasn't too bad in the beginning. You know, it was only something she did when she was with her friends. Usually it was just on the weekends. A hit every now and then just to keep her going. I was too young to know, but I was slowly watching my mother become a drug addict."

"That must've been difficult, I can't even imagine."

No, she really couldn't. "Unless you've lived it, you honestly have no idea."

"And…things got worse as you got older?"

"When I was eight, that's when she started drinking. Then when I was ten, she started with the pills. By the time my twelfth birthday rolled around, it's safe to say she was a fucking junkie."

"Did she ever hurt you?"

I shrugged. "A few times when she was drunk or high, she'd slap me and blame me for something, but it never went any further than that. My mother wasn't a strong person, mentally or physically, so it never hurt that bad."

"A parent should never hit their child though."

"That was the least of my worries Lucy, especially when she started disappearing for days at a time."

"Disappearing? You mean, she'd leave you alone?"

"Yes, but it was better that way sometimes. Sure I had to fend myself, find some way to survive, but at least I didn't have to deal with her. By that time, she was only working a few days a week and the days she didn't, she was gone. Sometimes I knew where, but other times I didn't."

"But," she tried to find her words "you were just a little boy Jasper. How could she do that to you?"

I shrugged. I didn't exactly know why my mom did the things she did. "She was an addict Lucy. They do things sometimes that don't make sense to anyone else."

"But she was your mother."

"That didn't mean shit to her. She spent most of her time saying she hated me then she actually spent taking care of me."

"You don't have any good memories of her do you?"

I shook my head. "There are a few things I can list off the top of my head. Like those black and white pictures I told you about? Yea, that was one of the last good days with her. Most of the time though, they were just little moments here and there. When she wasn't working or completely high…those were the worst times."

"What would happen then?"

"She would scream about how our lives were so shitty because of her and what not. She would break things and go on emotional tirades. She was always breaking down for no reason, claiming she wanted to die. A few times I caught her hurting herself when she wasn't in her right mind."

Her sharp intake of breath didn't go unnoticed. "Like me."

I nodded. "It's why I can't fucking deal with blood and…and needles. I see them and all I can think about is her and what happened that night."

"Will you tell me?"

I glanced up, looking past her towards the rest of the backyard. The leaves were swaying, a light breeze now surrounding us. The sun was shining, but it was still somewhat cold.

"It was raining…" I began and as soon as the words came out I knew there was no turning back. "And it was Christmas Eve."

_My mother had been gone all day, off who knows where with one of her many 'friends' as she still referred to them as. _

_She never dated after Carlisle. The guys that always game into my life never stuck around longer than a week or so. I didn't care to be honest. It was her life and it's not like she would listen to me anyways when I told her they were all assholes who only after one thing. _

_I had spent most of the day with my friends, but as it got darker they all started to head home so that they could be with their own families for their Christmas festivities and traditions. _

_I had none of those. As a kid, I was lucky if I got one present. As a teenager, I was lucky if there was even food in the house. _

_She didn't come home early that night which, that came as no surprise. _

_I figured she'd be out all night, hanging with her own group of friends. _

_I was wrong, I was so god damn wrong. _

_If only I would've known, then maybe things would've ended up differently. _

_But I can't take any of it back. It all happened before it could even all register in my brain._

_She stumbled in around ten that night, the cold air flowing in behind her as she shut the door. I was half asleep, tired of waiting up for her like always on the couch. Even though I pretended not to care, she was still my mother after all and I at least wanted to hold out some hope that she'd come home at the end of the night. _

_She barely acknowledged me once she was on in the house. She was mumbling to herself, something she did a lot no matter if she was high or not. _

"_Where is it?" She hissed, practically running down the hall towards her room. "Where the hell is it?" She raised her voice, but never once looked back at me so I didn't know who the hell she was yelling at. _

_Against my better judgment I followed her, entering her room just as she dumped the entire contents of her top drawer on the ground. _

_Clothes and various other things surrounded her as she dropped to her knees, rummaging through everything. After a minute or so, she looked up and was holding two things in her hand. _

_In one hand was a syringe filled with God only knows what. In the other she held a small, red mosaic tile. _

"_Shit." I cursed under my breath. I thought I had gotten rid of all those damn tiles. From some 'project' she had been working on last year, she soon started using the tiles for something other than a simple art project. _

"_Mom," I took a step towards her, but her glare stopped me instantly "don't do this." _

"_Fuck off." She mumbled, pushing her sleeve up above her elbow. Even in the dark, I could make out the faint bruises that lined her arm. She had been busy tonight apparently. _

_I made no attempt to step forward, knowing it'd only make things worse. Instead I watched in disgust and sadness as she plucked the top of the syringe off with her teeth before, right before my eyes, jammed the needle into her vein with such precision that she could've done it with her eyes closed. _

_Having done it for years now, it was second nature to her. She didn't even have to be looking down. She just knew. _

_After injecting the drugs into her body, she silently dropped the syringe and tilted her head back almost as if she was at complete peace and ease. _

_In her momentary haze, I made a quick attempt to take that tile away from her. _

_She was too fast though. _

_She heard me before I could even reach her. _

_Just as my hand went to grab it she snatched it up, her eyes snapping up to glare at me. _

_Closer to her, I saw that her eyes were bloodshot and her pupils were dilated. _

"_Don't you dare Jasper." She warned, feebly trying to be the authoritative parent. _

_That lasted for a good ten seconds. The drug was already invading her system and too quickly was I losing her. I knew I needed to get that damn shard of glass away from her before she really did something stupid. _

_There were no words for what happened next. What felt like slow motion in reality only lasted a good five minutes or so._

_Five minutes that completely destroyed my life, shattering what little hope I had that there was still some good left in this world. _

_She took the edge of the tile and, in one fluid moment, drew a straight line from her wrist to the crook of her elbow. _

_Maybe if she hadn't pressed down hard, it would've been alright. _

_Maybe if I had hurried up and taken the damn thing away from her, she wouldn't have had the chance to do it a second time. _

_She didn't cry, didn't hiss out in pain. _

_No, as the blood slowly started to drip down her arm, she dropped the glass and sighed in relief. _

_It was as if cutting herself was the answer to all her problems, as if some burden had been lifted off her shoulders. _

_I don't know for sure, but I'm almost positive she wanted to die. _

_On her knees, I dropped to mine and pulled the tile out of her hand. She didn't fight me this time and just let me take it. She was far too gone already to even try. _

_I took her arm and looked at it. I couldn't tell how deep the cut was, there was so much blood. _

"_What the hell were you thinking?" I looked around, trying to find something to stop the bleeding. _

"_Let go of me." She jerked violently away from me, but she didn't get anywhere. "I don't want you Jasper! I never wanted you! It's your fault he never came back to me."_

_She was hysterical, tears rolling down her cheeks as she cried harder. _

_It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but this time it felt different. _

"_He never wanted you mom." I spat back at her. "He didn't want anything to do with us remember?"_

"_You don't know anything. I….he loved me! He was supposed to leave his wife and be with me. He…he promised me." _

_I felt a pang of sympathy for my mother at that very moment. _

_All these years she had been pining for a man who clearly wasn't ever coming back to be with her. He had his own family from what I heard. What would he want with her and the kid that resulted from some fling they had?_

_We didn't mean anything to him. _

_Never have, never will. _

"_Mom," I placed my hand on her shoulder "can't you see that he's not coming back for us? I don't think he ever will. Can't we…we can be okay just you and me, right? I love you and I think if you get some help, it'll all work out. I'll help you, you just got to let me…"_

_My mother's eye flickered with realization and she stared at me for a long while before she finally spoke. _

"_I'm so sorry Jasper." She lowered her head "I really fucked up." _

"_We're going to get you help and that's all that matters. All that shit that happened in the past won't matter anymore." _

"_I…but I need to…" She didn't finish her statement as her breath started coming out in short bursts and gasps. _

_Her body jerked again and she fell completely to the ground. _

"_Mom," I felt as her arm slipped out of my grasp "mom, what's wrong?"_

_She didn't say anything, her body trembling horribly. _

"_Mom, please…fucking say something!" I took her face in my hands, shaking her. She groaned, but didn't open her eyes. _

_I lowered my head, resting it against her chest and immediately panicked when I barely heard her heart. _

"_Don't you fucking leave me!" I shook her harder, her eyes barely opening this time. "I'm going to call 911." I tried to get up, but she wouldn't let me. _

"_No Jasper, this is what I want." She whispered as everything began to shut down in her body. "I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to be here." _

_I didn't understand. What the fuck was she talking about? Was life really that bad?_

_Was I not worth it? Did she even give a damn about me?_

"_I'm sorry baby." She choked out, reaching up to squeeze my hand. "I wish I could've given you a better life." _

"_Mom, don't leave me like this…I promise it'll get better. Don't…you can't…" I stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence. _

"_I love you Jasper." She squeezed my hand one more time before I helplessly watched as her eyes rolled back and her entire body went limp. _

_There were no words as I watched her slip away right before my eyes. _

_I slowly lowered her body to the ground, staring at her like she was going to open her eyes back up at any second._

_I desperately wanted her to open them back up._

_Even though life had been shitty for all these years, she was still my mother and I did in fact love her. _

_Ten minutes turned into twenty and I soon came to realization that she wasn't ever going to wake up again. _

_I stood up, making my way into the kitchen to call the paramedics. _

_My voice was cold, detached as I told them what happened and gave them our address. _

_After hanging up, I went and sat next to my mother. I didn't look at her, just sat beside her motionless form. _

_By the time the ambulance arrived to take her away, I felt completely numb. _

_While part of me wanted to break down over the loss of my mother, another part of me was beyond angry over the fact that mother had been one selfish woman. _

_I apparently hadn't been enough reason to stay alive, to try and get better. _

"_Son," The paramedic touched my shoulder "you need to come with us to the hospital."_

_I didn't answer him. I just nodded. _

_I stood when they asked me too, following them outside our somewhat rundown house. _

_As we walked outside, thunder and lightning roared overhead and I pulled my sweatshirt tighter around me as the wind cut right through me. _

_I boarded the ambulance, sitting on the bench beside my mother. _

_We drove off towards the hospital, the rain pounding against the window. _

_I tried to focus on only the rain and thunder, anything to keep my mind off what had just happened. _

_It was to no avail. _

"_Time of death," a man spoke quickly, glancing up at the clock "eleven fifty two."_

_The two paramedics looked over at me, sad and sympathetic looks on their faces. _

"_What?" I glared at them, feeling nothing but a gaping hole in my chest. _

"_I'm so sorry for your loss son."_

_I shrugged, looking past them. "It wasn't a loss. My mother's been dead for years." _

_They didn't say anything after that and neither did I. _

_There was no need, no fucking reason to cry or scream. _

_Why would I? It's not like I had just lost something. _

_She'd been gone since I was a kid. _

_Just because it was official now, it didn't mean shit. _

_She hadn't cared about me all those years and her little revelation there at the end wasn't going to change anything. _

_It was done, it was over. _

_I'd never be the same, but it's not like anyone would care. _

_As much as I hated her, she was all I had. _

_Now she was gone, forever. _

I looked up hesitantly, not knowing how Lucy was going to react to my story.

I never knew what to expect from her, so her eventual reaction shouldn't have come as any surprise.

She slowly rose to her knees and closed the few inches between us.

She placed her somewhat shaky hands on top of mine gently, looking at me with wide and innocent eyes.

"Jasper," she bit her lip nervously "I'm _so _sorry."

I lifted my head a bit higher, looking her straight in the eyes. "Why are you sorry Lucy? My mother's death wasn't your fault."

She shook her head, looking down at our hands. "But everything I did…I…I made you relive all those memories. I had no idea. I never meant to cause you any pain."

"Hey," I moved one of my hands so it was now resting on hers. Warm, I was distracted for a second. "It wasn't your fault, you didn't know and I wasn't exactly letting you in."

"But….you _helped _me. Why? If it brought back so many terrible memories, why would you put yourself through something like that, for someone like me?"

I gave her a knowing look, but she still remained clueless. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Um, no." She looked even more confused.

Wanting to tell her the truth, I decided not to at the last minute.

I knew it'd only complicate things further between us.

"I did those things because you're my friend Lucy. Our friendship has nothing to do with my mother, the things you did have nothing to do with her either. I wasn't able to reach her in time, but I _was_ able to stop you that day…"

She gasped. "Oh, God I was so stupid. I'm so sorry." She looked at me, her blue eyes piercing through mine.

"Don't Lucy. I don't need any more fucking sympathy. You wanted to hear what happened so I told you. This doesn't change anything alright? We're still friends. We just know how fucked up each other's lives are now."

She pursed her lips before nodding quietly. "We're still friends."

But fuck, it was so much more than that.

Lucy was the first person I had spoken about my mother to and she had listened to everything and yet, she didn't judge me.

I was still her friend, her fucked up friend.

I stood after a moment, holding my hand out towards her. She glanced at, placing her smaller hand in mine a minute later so I could help her up.

Once she was up though, I didn't release her hand and she didn't pull away from me.

I allowed myself this one moment of self indulgence as I led us back towards the house.

Even though she didn't pull away, she still seemed wary and hesitant.

After all, she had no reason to actually trust me. Thought I never would, I was capable of hurting Lucy.

No one was home yet so we had the entire house to ourselves.

Not like that mattered though. I wasn't about to try and take advantage of the one girl who understood me more than anyone else in this place.

We found our back into the living room, sitting on one of the couches.

There were no words for what seemed like forever, but it was a comfortable silence.

Her hand was still in mine and I couldn't bring myself to let it go.

One simple gesture, but it held so much.

"My mother," my voice surprised even me, breaking the silence "didn't think I was worth living for. That shit hurt Lucy. It hurt so God damn much."

She nodded, her arm barely brushing against my own.

I knew she was still timid when it came to physical contact and I wasn't about to push her, but I really needed something right now.

I, once again, felt like I was on the verge of losing it.

And God damn it I couldn't do that in front of Lucy. Not again.

She had already seen me weak and I didn't want her have to see me like that again, but when I felt her head coming to rest on my shoulder gently all that reserve seemed to dissipate rather quickly.

I was about to tell her something, but all thoughts left my mind when I heard her.

A quiet humming sound at first that eventually turned into Lucy softly singing a song I had never heard before.

_Chiquitita, tell me the truth  
I'm a shoulder you can cry on  
your best friend  
I'm the one you must rely on  
you were always sure of yourself  
now I see you've broken a feather  
I hope we can  
patch it up together_

Her voice was soft and it reminded me of this past Christmas Eve when I found myself drunk and at Lucy's house, in her bed, and had that fucking nightmare.

She had taken care of me then, and now it seemed she was doing it all over again.

Though she was just singing, there was a quiet reassurance underneath the words. Like most other things, Lucy seemed to be using music to try and get her point across.

I was getting it loud and fucking clear at the very moment, sliding my eyes shut as her words were the only thing that filled the room.

_Chiquitita  
you and I know  
how the heartaches  
come and they go  
and the scars they're leavin'  
you'll be dancin' once again  
and the pain will end  
you will have no time for grievin'  
Chiquitita  
you and I cry  
but the sun is still in the sky  
and shining above you_  
_let me hear you sing once more  
like you did before_

And then she suddenly switched on me as she started singing in Spanish, but never missing a beat.

I opened my eyes briefly, looking down at her for a moment. She was staring straight ahead, avoiding all eye contact with me.

_Chiquitita, dime por que  
tu dolor hoy te encadena  
en tus ojos hay  
una sombra de gran pena._

_Chiquitita, dimelo tu  
en mi hombro, aqui llorando  
cuenta conmigo ya  
para asi seguir andando_

Though I didn't fully understand what she was saying, it seemed to be the same song only in Spanish.

I had heard Lucy singing before, but her singing in Spanish was something else. It was entrancing and I was loving every fucking second of it.

_Tan segura te conoci  
y ahora tu ala quebrada  
dejamela arreglar  
yo la quiero ver curada_

_Chiquitita, sabes muy bien  
que las penas vienen y van y desaparecen  
otra vez vas a bailar y seras feliz,  
como flores que florecen._

_Chiquitita, no hay que llorar  
las estrellas brillan por ti alla en lo alto,  
quiero verte sonreir para compartir  
tu alegria, Chiquitita._

_Otra vez quiero compartir  
tu alegria Chiquitita._

Just as quickly as she started, she finished singing.

"Everything's going to be okay _Caviloso._" She whispered softly. "Everything happens for a reason."

I nodded, but didn't exactly agree with that statement.

However, with Lucy sitting right beside me and with her acceptance of me, I knew that I was right where I wanted, where I _needed _to be.

I wondered if she would ever feel the same.

Could I ever be the man that Lucy needed to get past all her inner demons?

Better yet, was I even capable of handling something like that?

Well fuck if she could do it for me then I could do it for her.

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**Well, I don't know about you, but this was a rather emotional chapter for me and I honestly hope that you all enjoyed it! **

**You have to love Lucy in this chapter. She may be innocent, but she sure knows how to calm someone down with her singing.**

**The song used was "Chiquitita" by Abba. It's a fabulous song and it seemed to fit the mood quite well I think. **

**This is my translation of the song:**

_**Tell me why your pain has you locked up today.**_

_**In your eyes there's a shadow of great pain.**_

_**Tell me, cry here on my shoulder.**_

_**Tell me so you can continue walking.**_

_**So sure I knew you, and now your wing's broken.**_

_**Let me fix it, I want to see you cured.**_

_**You know very well that pain comes and goes and disappears.**_

_**Another time you will dance and be happy, like flowers in bloom.**_

_**There's no need to cry, the stars shine brightly for you up above.**_

_**I want to see you smile so I that I can share in your happiness.**_

**Your reviews would be so greatly appreciated. Now that Jasper's secret is out...do you think things are going to change? **


	26. Anywhere But Here

**AN: Thank you, as always, to my wonderful reviewers. I apologize for the delay once again, but I hope to get back into the swing of things once again. **

**A major thank you to Meg, you're the best. **

**Enjoy!**

**

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****Chapter 26: Anywhere but Here**

**Today was misery  
And I just can't believe this happened  
And I finally broke down  
She held onto my heart  
But now my only star is falling  
Its burning to the ground**

**You're all I've got right now  
No one else figures out this feeling  
And how lonely it can get**

**Lucy**

A few weeks had passed since Jasper told me about his mother and all that happened to her. To be completely honest, I never would've guessed that she died of a drug overdose.

I, at most, figured that she had been sick for a long time or something to that affect. But no, her story was much more tragic than I ever could've imagined.

My heart ached for Jasper when he told me, but I tried my hardest to not pressure him into talking further about it. His belief that he wasn't good enough for his mother to live nearly shattered me though. I could never imagine how a mother could treat her own child that way and neglect him for so many years and eventually abandoning him for good.

After that afternoon, we didn't talk about his mother again. It was understandable now that I knew what really happened. Just how I hated reliving what happened to me Jasper hated mentioning his mother at all costs. Perhaps it wasn't the healthiest way to deal with things, but there really wasn't much we could do about it.

After all we all dealt with tragedy and trauma differently.

We were entering the final stretch of the academic year now which meant my mind was going to be all consumed with homework and finals for the next couple weeks. I welcomed it though. The busier I was, the less I thought about other things.

Finals hadn't even arrived and I was already stressing. I always did this time of year. Under the constant scrutiny of my parents, it was like I had to achieve perfection.

I had always been a pretty good student, never dropping below a B average, but I knew my parents wanted better. They never voiced it, but they didn't have to. I could see it in their eyes. Every B plus on a test or paper, there was a look that read 'next time you should do better.'

Silent criticism was sometimes just as saying it out loud.

However, there was one final that I was really looking forward to. Amid the study guides and note cards filled with math equations, art was the one class that didn't require any studying.

In fact, that's what our teacher decided to bring up in class today. Slipping in just before the bell rang, Jasper sat beside me and nodded at me quickly. I had just seen him at lunch, but he always made sure to say hi to me. I suppose it wasn't that big of a deal, but to me it was. Being as he was the _only _one who did so, who actually took the time to talk to me.

"We've done a lot this year," she began "but this is it, the final project." Half of the class groaned in protest, while the other half didn't really care. To most of them, art was nothing. It was just a requirement and nothing more.

I, however, listened to every word.

"There is only one requirement for your final and you have between now and the last day of school to submit it. All you have to do…is paint. I don't care what or how big, but I do ask you keep it to a reasonable size. Take whatever inspiration comes to you and just go with it. That's what art is all about after all. You have more than enough time to complete this and I will not accept stick figures."

My lips twisted. Yes, some students would submit that and call it art. Of course, I suppose it was art in the eyes of some, but anyone could paint if they really put their minds to it. It just took time and patience.

After she explained the final assignment, she gave us permission to start planning it out. Which, I was pretty sure that no one would be worrying about it until the day before it was due. As she walked to her desk most of the students erupted into loud conversations with their friends.

I could've done the same I suppose, but I chose not to. I decided that I would spend the rest of the class period sketching something, anything. It didn't necessarily have to be what I planned to paint for the final, just whatever popped into my mind.

It wouldn't take me long to think of something when the time came. I almost always had a hundred different ideas floating around my mind at any given moment, especially when inspiration would strike. Those were the best times, my mind overflowing with creativity.

Not that anyone cared though.

But that was fine by me. I didn't need their approval or seal of satisfaction.

I glanced over at Jasper and saw that he was mindlessly flipping through the pages of his history book. Over the months, I had come to learn that he had a love of history. Well maybe he didn't love it, but he certainly excelled in the subject.

Knowing he'd be fine with my slipping into my own little world I pulled my sketchbook and pencil out of my bag and set it on the table.

"Lots of ideas, Lucy?" Jasper looked at me, his eyes flickering from me to the book on the table.

I nodded, almost with too much excitement. "You know how much I love this." I glanced around the room, scanning the various paintings and drawings.

"Yea, you and art go hand in hand."

I smiled at his small compliment before tugging on the sleeves on my sweater. It was the middle of May and the weather had been getting warmer with each passing day. I was glad. It was nice to have a break from all the rain and dreariness that seemed to constantly surround this town.

I hadn't been planning on removing my sweater during the day, leaving me in a plain black tank top. I pulled one of my legs up, draping my arm across it as I started planning out my sketch.

For a moment I caught Jasper doing a double take of me, but I knew him well enough to not worry too much. In fact, I could feel my cheeks warm up just by him looking at me. There was something indecipherable in his eyes, something I couldn't put my finger on.

That was before I heard a low whistle coming from the table in front of us.

I raised my head, my eyes narrowing as I searched for the source.

I found it.

He was staring right back at me from his seat. Having twisted their chairs there were a group of three boys sitting, their eyes all on me.

He was in the middle and I didn't even know his name. Why would I? Not like anyone ever talked to me in this place.

I didn't say a word as I continued to watch them and vice versa. I didn't know why they were staring at me like that, but after a few moments it started to make me feel highly uncomfortable.

What did they want? Had that boy even been directing his attention towards me in the first place? If so, why was he doing that?

A moment later, I got my answer.

"Damn, he's one lucky guy if that's true."

"I still don't believe you, Ryan." The two boys on either side of the boy, whose name I now knew was Ryan, spoke lowly.

"I'm telling you, it's always the quiet ones you got to watch out for."

I blinked twice, not believing that this conversation was actually taking place no more than ten feet away from me.

"Are you sure though? I mean her dad's the local pastor isn't he?"

"Exactly," Ryan laughed "no one would ever expect good girl Lucinda to be a freak, in more ways than one."

If Jasper hadn't been paying attention to their conversation before, he sure was now. Lifting his gaze, he looked at them incredulously.

"I doubt that her parents around much and he doesn't really have anyone who cares about him, so I'm sure every day when they leave after school they go straight to her house and go at it for hours."

Anger and panic swelled in my chest and I found it hard to breathe. I couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"I'm sure they do drugs after the sex too. I mean, look at her. Little Lucinda isn't so innocent I'm telling you. Too bad he swept her up before any of us could take her for a ride."

I let out a small, strangled gasp. Howcould they say something like that about me, about Jasper? They had no right. They didn't even know us. All they were doing were starting vicious rumors.

As soon as the sound left my lips, Jasper was up and out of his seat. He wasn't quiet about his movements, but only a few people turned around to see what was going on. They all watched with anticipation, waiting to see what Jasper would do next.

I wondered if this was all some sort of joke to see how far they could push him. Did people in this school really dislike us that much that they would stoop to such a level?

"See, I told you so." Ryan turned to his friends, as if Jasper's reaction was some sort of confirmation. "He's totally fucking her."

My eyes doubled in size I'm sure. I had guessed what they had been implying, but to actually hear the words was beyond infuriating. It hurt deeply, having them speak in such way about me.

When there was no movement or words being thrown back at Ryan, I hesitantly glanced up, my hand all but ready to take Jasper's when I saw his expression.

The look on his face was one of pure hatred and fear. I was scared of what he would do. We were so close to being done with school that it would be a shame for Jasper to get in some sort of trouble, especially over something that wasn't true.

After what happened earlier this year in the cafeteria, I knew that he was probably walking on thin ice.

I didn't want him getting in anymore trouble because of me, it just wasn't worth it.

He cursed under his breath as he watched the boys turn and completely change topics. "He had no right. No fucking right."

"Jasper," I began, my voice wavering, but didn't get the chance to finish. He was out of the classroom before I could blink. He just got up and walked out, but our teacher didn't say anything. She was too consumed in her own little world again.

I sat at our table for ten minutes before I couldn't take it anymore. Jasper hadn't returned and I was getting worried. I wasn't worried that he was defacing school property, but rather was scared that he was out there somewhere alone without someone to help him.

I got out of my chair, slipped my sweater back on before slowly walking over to our professor. When she eventually saw me, she pursed her lips as she stared at me.

"Can I go outside for some fresh air? I'm not feeling too good."

She looked at me questioningly, peering around me towards our table. All my things were still there so it wasn't like I was going to leave campus or anything.

"Fine Miss Ramirez," She sighed dramatically. "Oh, and if you see Jasper, tell him he needs to come back to class."

I nodded. So I guess she did see him, but maybe she didn't care. Which, that was both good and bad.

I walked outside the classroom and glanced down the hallway. There was no sign of him and that worried me. Tugging on the sleeves of my sweater, I started walking further out until I eventually found myself outside.

The spring air hit me, the sun warming me as I continued my search. When the set of tables near the cafeteria turned up empty, I decided to try the parking lot. If his car was gone then I knew he'd be too. I hoped that wasn't the case though.

As I rounded the corner, walking down the outdoor corridor towards the parking lot I spotted him walking slowly.

I quickened my pace, my flats making enough sound to get him to turn around when I was closer. He did it quickly and I stopped when his gaze met mine.

Even from where I was I could see that his eyes were wild and frantic. Taking a deep breath I took slow, deliberate steps towards him.

I didn't know what to tell him. Did I ask if he was okay? No, probably not. That would only upset him more.

I had no idea what to say and soon enough I was standing right in front of him.

"I'm fine Lucy." His monotone voice frightened me, but the emotions that flickered in his eyes told me he was anything but fine.

"No," I stepped closer "you're not."

"You should go back to class."

"I don't want to." I crossed my arms over my chest lightly. "And you can't make me." I felt pleased with the surge of confidence I now had.

"I don't want to talk about it." He continued to try and shut me out, but I wasn't going to let up so quickly.

"We don't have to."

"Then what are you doing out here?" His voice was short and caught me off guard. I didn't answer him right away and he was suddenly turning away and walking towards his car.

"No, wait!" I squeaked, not used to my voice going so high. "I just…I didn't want you to be alone."

That stopped him, but he didn't turn back around. Instead I watched as his shoulders slumped, his head lowering a fraction. I took the opportunity to catch up with him again, completely unaware that my hand was reaching out towards him until it came to a rest on his back.

He stiffened when I touched him and I felt myself tense as well. I knew my reasoning, but I didn't understand his. Did he not want me to be this close to him? I could understand if he didn't. Deciding to back up a little bit, I had barely moved my hand when he turned around.

Hand no longer on his back it was now planted firmly on his chest. Much to both our surprise I didn't move away. His hands took to their own accord after a moment, one of them resting on top of mine while the other brushed some of my hair back from my face.

My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest in both fear and anticipation.

Other than Jasper, no boy has ever shown this kind of interest in me. Always trying to desperately block out the memories of what happened to me four years ago, it didn't work in my favor this time and the fear ultimately beat the fraction of excitement that fluttered in my body.

With his hand on my cheek, I saw the confliction when I shyly met his gaze. I knew what he was thinking and I wasn't sure if he would act on it. I hoped he wouldn't though. I could already feel myself beginning to tremble with anxiety and I didn't want to upset him anymore.

He ultimately chose to go for it. He chose to try and kiss me.

His head lowered and when his lips were only a few centimeters from mine, I felt a lump rising in my throat. I didn't want to do this, but my mind was telling my otherwise.

At that very second it wasn't Jasper who I was seeing. No, all I saw was a boy who was very much capable of hurting me.

Just as they were about to graze mine, I turned my head quickly so all I felt was him touching was my cheek. Though there was an undeniable jolt of electricity that went through me, it quickly faded into the background as it was replaced with fear.

"Shit." He cursed under his breath, but didn't let me go. I didn't know if that meant he was angry with me, himself or if he was just angry at the world.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you more."

"You didn't make me angry, I'm angry with myself for acting like a complete idiot."

I couldn't let him think that way of himself. "No you're not. It's just that…well…" I couldn't form the words to tell him. What could I tell him that I hadn't before?

"I know Lucy. I know and yet I keep trying to do it."

Words still weren't coming to me so I did the one thing I know would get my point across to show I wasn't mad at him and that I still trusted him in my own way.

I moved my hands slightly, wrapping my arms around him with hesitation. When I didn't feel like my body was going to explode from panic, I realized that things were okay.

"You underestimate your strength Lucy" His arms were around me now, holding me as close as he could without crossing any boundaries.

Though I felt good over this revelation, I knew that I wasn't here for that. I was here to make sure he was okay and didn't deal with this on his own.

"So do you." He pulled away from me, looking down at me with curious eyes.

"What the fuck?"

I frowned at his tone of language, but as always wasn't bothered by it. "You could've really hurt that guy Jasper. I could see it in your eyes…you wanted to cause him a lot of pain, but you didn't."

His lips twisted for the briefest of moments before answering. "You're right. I wanted to beat the shit out of him, but I didn't. I couldn't…" his grip tightened for a moment "because I knew it would upset you, cause you some sort of pain. And nothing, not even giving that guy what he deserved, would be worth hurting you."

"You…you did it because of me?"

He gave me a knowing look. "Don't look so surprised Lucy. I'm sure it's no secret how I feel about you."

It was my turn to step further away from him, his arms no longer wrapped safely around me.

"We talked about this Jasper." I whispered. "I told you…I can't."

"I know, but that doesn't change how I feel."

"And just what do you feel towards me?" I knew it was a stupid question and the second the words left my lips I was instantly regretting it. "You know what, I don't want to know. I just wanted to make sure that you were…I mean that you weren't alone out here. I didn't want you getting into any kind of trouble."

"Do I look like a delinquent?"

I shook my head.

"Don't worry Lucy, I'm not that stupid. I'm already on fucking thin ice with these people since that day I kicked that guy's ass."

"Something else you did for me." I felt the guilt creep in my voice. "You really shouldn't. You could get in serious trouble Jasper."

"You just don't get it do you?"

I tilted my head, biting my lip. "No, I don't think I do." This wasn't something new though. I almost always had a hard time keeping up with Jasper.

"If someone so much as looks at you in the wrong way, I'm not going to just sit by and let them. Even back then when I didn't really know you, it killed me to see that fucker touch you like that. And then now…" he stopped when he saw my expression change.

"Now that you know about the rape, you feel even more inclined to defend me." I finished his statement and when he didn't disagree right away I knew that was what he was going to say.

He nodded his head slowly. "What do you want me to say Lucy? You honestly think that after hearing something like that I'm going to keep acting like nothing happened?"

"No, I suppose you wouldn't. It's just…I don't need you treating me differently. You're the only person I know who treats me relatively normal. I _need _some normal in my life."

"I'm not normal, I'm fucked."

I shook my head. "You're normal to me."

I was positive that this conversation could've gone back and forth for another hour or so, neither of us wanting to believe the other. Thankfully, the bell ringing ended the conversation in my favor. Students slowly started to file out of their classrooms, casting glances at Jasper and I as we stood there in the middle of the walkway.

"See," I looked around "I'm just looking for some normal."

"Yea, yea." He stepped closer, an arm around my shoulders. "Let's get the hell out of here."

We walked back towards our now empty classroom, our teacher waiting impatiently for us to get our things and leave. We separated in the hallway, Jasper going to his car and me to my locker to swap my books for the ones I needed to do homework. Now that the end of the year was approaching, teachers were throwing papers and projects at us left and right. I didn't really mind it though. It at least gave me something to while I was at home instead of sitting around and doing nothing.

I was really eager to get home and start on this art project though. Art was my haven, yet another sense of normalcy. I could be myself, paint whatever I wanted and no one could tell me anything about it. It was freedom of expression after all.

I made my way out towards the parking lot, passing a group of girls on the way. By the way they were staring at me it was obvious that they were talking about me.

"What does he see in her anyways?" One of them asked, the rest of the group snickering in agreement.

"She has _nothing _to offer him, so I don't know why he's even wasting his time."

"I don't know," another one spoke "maybe what they were saying in art was true. You never know with girls like her."

I cast my eyes downward as I walked by them, feeling rather pathetic that I didn't have the strength to go up to those girls and tell them something. I don't know what I would say to them, but they needed to stop talking about me that way. I knew that girls could be cruel, but I had never done anything to them. Hell, I didn't even know them. If they were jealous about something, then someone needed to set them straight. They didn't have anything to be jealous about. Sure Jasper may like me, but nothing was ever going to come out of it. I was too damaged to handle something like that.

I really wish I could handle it though. As much as my mind tried to tell me otherwise, I couldn't deny the obvious pull there was between the two of us. I don't know why it was there, but it was. It was even stronger now that we knew each other's stories of what happened in the past.

Though different, what happened to us was tragic and changed us for the worse it would seem.

I think what happened to Jasper's mother was extremely heartbreaking. I could never imagine life without my mother. Crazy as she was, I still loved her dearly. I didn't know how he dealt with it, losing a family member.

When he opened the door for me, I smiled in spite of all the confusion I felt. Getting in on the other side, we left the school immediately, his car pulling out of the parking lot with determined speed.

Due to his driving, we reached my house in nearly half the time. I was both relieved and disappointed. Even when we didn't say anything, I enjoyed the comfortable silence that filled the car sometimes, the occasional hum of the radio being the only background noise.

Pulling up in front of my house, I was gathering all my things when I heard the engine shut off. Pausing I glanced over at Jasper, but he wasn't looking at me. Instead he was looking over towards my house with a peculiar look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I looked between him and my house. Had he seen something?

He shook his head. "Can I, uh, come in?"

"Um, yes…of course. Come on." I didn't know why he wanted to come inside, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him no.

I quickly pulled out my keys and let the both of us inside the house.

Tossing my things on one of the couches, I watched as Jasper went to sit on the other, taking deep breaths as he buried his head in his hands.

I knew he was upset, but I wasn't sure how to approach him. Even if he wasn't mad at me, one wrong move or statement could change all that. And the last thing I wanted was for him to be angry with me.

He was already angry over something that was said about me and I didn't want to add to that.

After a minute, I decided to leave him alone for a few minutes while I headed into the kitchen. I searched around the refrigerator, grabbing things to fix up a sandwich quickly. I was always making Jasper sandwiches it seemed, but it was the only thing I could make fast that'd taste good.

Throwing everything in between the bread I cut it in half, grabbed two bottles of water and headed back into the living room.

He was still sitting on the couch, but now he was looking around the room with curiosity.

"I brought you something to eat," I handed him the plate "you don't have to eat it if you don't want."

I sat beside him, taking a quick drink from the water bottle and set it on the table and waited for him to say something, anything.

He took a few bites, setting the plate on table after a minute or two. He turned to face me, his eyes seemingly searching for something in my own.

It made me a little nervous. "What is it?"

"Please tell me you didn't believe what that asshole said?"

I shrugged. "People talk Jasper, it's nothing."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Why would I believe him? I know the truth and so do you. I'm not too worried about it and neither should you."

"You're right he's not worth it, none of them are." He shifted, leaning back on the couch and closing his eyes. "I hope you don't think it's weird that I wanted to come inside."

I shook my head, but he didn't see me.

"I just…when I'm around you, the anger isn't so dominant."

"I, um, thanks?" I didn't know how to respond to that, my reaction a mere stammer. "I'm just trying to be a good friend, especially if it's because of me you're getting angry over."

He snickered, mumbling something under his breath.

I was about to question him, but the phone ringing prevented me from doing so. I stood, crossing the room to pick it up. I thought it was odd that someone would be calling right now. No one ever did.

"Hello?" I held the phone to my ear as I walked back to the couch.

"Lucinda," the voice on the other end startled me, causing me to almost drop the phone.

"Carlos? Are…what's wrong?" I was quick to ask him. My brother _never _called here.

He took a deep breath. "_Nada_ Lucinda. Can't I call my little sister to see how she's doing?"

"Yes, but you never do that. What's wrong?" I asked again.

"Nothing_, _I was thinking about you and figured I'd call you to see who you were doing before mom and dad got back home."

I still wasn't convinced, but let him slide. "I'm doing ok, school's almost over."

"I'm sure you're going to pass with straight A's…my little nerd. I'm proud of you."

"Yea, right, I wish."

"So," he hedged "what are your plans for the summer?"

"Um, I don't know. Why?"

"Just wondering if you guys were planning a trip down here this summer?"

"I don't think so Carlos, they haven't said anything."

"Oh, okay then." He seemed disappointed, but something behind his tone sounded like relief.

"Maybe you can come visit me though? It'd be nice to see my big brother for a week or so."

"I don't know Lucinda. I've got a lot going on right now."

"Oh," my disappointment was genuine.

"Hey, is your friend there?" He changed the subject on me, his words now somewhat rushed.

"Who?"

"That guy…what's his name?"

"Jasper? You want to talk to Jasper?" That was rather odd.

"Yea him, is he there?"

"Actually he is." I looked over at Jasper who had the same look of confusion on his face. "You want to talk to him?" I repeated.

"_Pues, _that's what I said Lucinda." He laughed quickly.

"Um, sure hang on a second."

"_Gracias. _Oh and Lucinda," He called me just before I handed the phone to Jasper "I love you."

I clutched the phone a little tighter. "I…I love you too, Carlos." I gave the phone to Jasper and watched as he talked to my brother for no more than three minutes. I had no idea what Carlos was telling him and Jasper was only responded with either yes or no. It gave me nothing and before I knew it their conversation was over, Jasper handing the phone back to me.

"What was that all about?"

Jasper just shook his head. "He wanted to make sure I was treating you right."

That didn't make sense. "That's all?"

He nodded. "That's it."

I didn't like the tone of Jasper's voice either. It was like he was aware of something and wasn't going to tell me.

Knowing he wouldn't tell me anymore, I set the phone beside the half eaten sandwich and water bottle. I turned back towards him, frowning at the look on his face. I leaned forward, barely touching his cheek with my hand.

It amazed me the way I could do this without completely losing it. For once in my life, even though I felt afraid, I wasn't breaking.

Not wanting to push myself, I removed my hand soon after, the two of us seeming to miss the contact. I didn't completely move away from him though. In fact, I moved closer and rested my head against his arm that was draped over the couch.

It was a bit of an odd position, but it seemed to work.

"Good?" The word was a mere whisper, but he heard me loud and clear.

I wasn't sure what I was talking about and neither did he apparently.

"Everything's fine Lucy." He reassured me. Reassurance over what I wasn't quite sure.

The only thing I was certain of was at this very moment, sitting next to the only person who knew me better than my own family, I felt safe.

When I was with Jasper, I knew no harm could come to me.

Yes he was my friend, but with each passing day that seemed to change into something more.

Though I wasn't sure if I could ever allow it to progress further, at least our friendship was still intact.

I just hoped that this annoying, panic inducing feeling in the pit of my stomach would go away soon.

Maybe, if God decided to play in my favor, this sense of normalcy would last for awhile.

That's all I wanted, all I needed.

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**I think that these two are slowly reaching the same page, but they aren't quite there yet. Will they ever get to that point? We shall see. **

**Reviews are love & they keep me inspired.  
**


	27. Ghost of Sorrow

**AN: Thanks so much for my reviews last chapter, they truly keep me inspired. **

**This was not an original plan in the story, but that's all changed. **

**With that, here's the next chapter. **

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_**Chapter 27: Ghost of Sorrow**_

_**They say the devils have won  
its a simply beautiful lie  
so we go on - with hope and little promises  
and dream that you are alive****, waiting for us here**_

_**The Ghost of Sorrow is here  
the wait for tomorrow is near**_

**Lucy**

After the little incident with Jasper, the following week seemed to just fly right on by. As fast as it was passing, however, something about it seemed off.

I still had those same panic-inducing knots in my stomach ever since my brother had called me. I thought it would go away after a few hours, but they hadn't. I thought long and hard about telling my parents that Carlos had called, but I decided against it. It would've only brought further stress into the household.

They would of course blame me for not telling them right away, for having him call when they weren't home. Even though that made no sense, I just knew they would react that way even if it wasn't my fault. I hadn't told my brother to call at that hour.

I also didn't tell them because there was a tiny part of me, a selfish part of me that was glad he didn't talk to our parents. Things between my parents and Carlos had been on the brink since before we moved here. Between their devastation of him being in a gang and the drift he made away from God, it seemed as though the three of them would never get along again.

Of course they loved each other, but love could only do so much. Things had been broken, bonds had been shattered and I didn't know if they could ever be fixed again.

And I only had myself to blame for all of it. I sometimes wonder what would've happened had Carlos and I had spoken the truth and told them what really happened that fateful day. It would break our parents, but maybe we would all be together still.

Maybe my family would be intact and not shadowed by this secret than hung over my head almost shamefully.

Could I ever tell my parents the truth? Perhaps, but I doubt I ever would. How ironic, the pastor's daughter's innocence taken away by a vile gang member.

No, I don't think I could ever do that to them. There was just no way.

Their hearts had already been crushed enough and there was no need to cause them anymore strife.

******

It was Friday, the end of this whirlwind week.

I suppose I should've been excited that I would get the weekend to catch my breath, but I couldn't. I knew I wouldn't have that luxury.

Especially when I woke up this morning and had this feeling…a feeling that something was about to happen. Almost like when a storm is about to hit?

I waited to the very last minute to get out of bed and take a shower. I might have overdid the waiting a bit though because I had no time what so ever to pick out something to wear so I was forced to wear the pink skirt and white top I had worn to church the day before. It was casual enough however for school so I didn't really think much about it. It also wasn't too revealing so dad didn't freak out on me when I rushed down the stairs just in time to leave.

He cast me a glance when I told him goodbye before turning back getting ready. He too seemed to be preoccupied by something other than what was right in front of him.

I didn't have time to make mention of it to my parents about the funny feeling I had. Not like they would've believed me anyways. As a child I had always had the flair for the overdramatic according to my parents. I didn't think I was that way in the slightest.

No, I've always been a firm believer in things like premonitions and intuition. I thought of myself as a very intuitive person, always knowing when something good or bad was about to happen.

_If that's the case then why did you open the door that day?_

I brushed my thoughts aside. Just because I was intuitive it didn't mean I was aware of every single thing I encountered.

Knowing my mom would probably think I was crazy I didn't tell her anything as we rode in silence to school. When she dropped me off, she mumbled something about her and my dad coming home a bit later than usual and to not worry.

It was time like this that I wanted to tell my mother the truth about what happened. She still seemed to think I was a child incapable of taking care of herself. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I've been taking care of myself for quite some time now. Sure my parents were a constant presence in my life, but they weren't exactly as keen as they should be. Though, I doubt many parents were aware of things their child may or may not be going through.

So I decided to just go through my day and pretend that everything was alright.

It shouldn't be too hard. I've been doing it for years.

Luckily for me, it was nearing the end of the school year, and instead of worrying about this strange feeling I focused rather on all the final assignments that would be due within the next coming week.

By lunch, however, I could not shake my anxiety. The feeling seemed to be growing and I was on nerves end.

Jasper noticed right away, making me sit outside the cafeteria while he bought me something. Coming back he sat beside rather than across from me as he handed me the juice and watched me drink it. It helped somewhat, my trembling hands not so prominent by the time I was done, but the feeling I had on the inside wasn't any better.

If anything, it was worse.

"Do you think you should home?" He asked and I saw him glancing over my legs as we sat there, making me feel slightly uncomfortable just like when he did it when I had worn that white dress. Maybe he had a thing for legs? I didn't know and it honestly wasn't a priority to me right now.

I knew he wasn't going to try anything especially now that he knew what happened to me, I doubt he would _ever _want to try and touch or kiss me again.

Which, I wasn't sure how to feel about that. Just when I thought I had him all figured out, he had gone and switched up everything. It was an odd thing, the relationship I had with Jasper. On the one hand there were times were I felt perfectly safe and comfortable around him, but then there was other times when I was almost terrified of him. He didn't even have to say anything and I would be petrified over the thought of him hurting me.

Of course I knew he would never even think of doing such a thing, but my mind was sometimes convinced otherwise. All I knew was that it wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to deal with someone like me, someone who always had her emotions out of place and misaligned.

I shook my head, snapping from my thoughts "No, I'll be fine. I'm probably just being paranoid." I attempted to brush it off but I don't think he bought it. Heck, I didn't buy it either.

"Well why do you feel that way? Does this have to do with your brother?"

I cringed. "How did you know?"

He inched a bit closer to me, his leg barely brushing against mine. "You've been all over the place since he called you last week. Don't think I haven't noticed it Lucy." He gave me a knowing look. "You can't pull that shit with me."

I knew that. I knew and yet I still tried. "I've had a weird feeling ever since he's called me. I don't know why or what it is, but it hasn't gone away. I think," I twisted my hands in my lap "I'll have to call him later, just to make sure everything's okay."

He processed that information. "Yea, maybe it'll do you some good."

One of the many things I appreciated about Jasper was that he didn't press me for information all the time. Sure he has his moments where he was a bit relentless, but that only added to his appeal.

_To his appeal? Are you saying you like him Lucinda?_

Well of course I liked him. I think it was pretty obvious that something had been building between the two of us since we met, but it wasn't going anywhere. We had both decided, whether we wanted to or not, that friendship was all we'd ever had.

God, it was times like these that I wished I was a normal girl who could act on her feelings, no matter how foreign they seemed.

I'd never admit this to him, but something longed for those moments when he'd catch my gaze and hold it for what seemed forever. Or those times when his hand would brush against mine.

Those few occasions when he held me, an almost awkward embrace, I thought about them all the time.

I thought and so desperately wanted it more, but my mind always convinced me otherwise. I was constantly telling myself that I _was not _normal and that being with Jasper would never happen.

I spent the rest of lunch chatting about mindless things with Jasper, but I wasn't all there and he knew it. He tried to not say much, instead just letting me ramble about art or something like that.

I thought that after lunch I'd start to feel better.

I was wrong.

I wasn't shaking for the rest of the day, but something in the pit of my stomach told me something, somewhere wasn't right. Jasper kept a watchful eye on me during art and on the ride home. He had seen me get sick before and I doubt it was something he wanted to see happen again.

"It's just been one of those days you know?" I tried to downplay the situation, as if this happened to me all the time. But, that was a lie. I hadn't gotten like this in a long time. "I just need to take a nap right now when I get home."

"Do you want me to stay?" He offered quickly "I mean, you know, in case you get sick? I don't want you passing out again Lucy. That shit isn't good for you." He seemed genuinely concerned for me and while I should've been flattered by it, all my anxiety was over powering it.

"I'll eat and then sleep. I know how my body works Jasper. I'll be fine."

"If you say so," He turned the corner on to my street and before I could answer him back, I felt that all too familiar sinking feeling growing more intense.

"Your parents are home early." He noted, glancing at the clock. I nodded quickly, my eyes locked on the two parked cars in the driveway.

This wasn't right. My mother had told me that they wouldn't be home until later, not earlier. I may have been distracted, but I was positive I had heard her correctly.

"Lucy?" I was brought back to reality when I turned and saw Jasper staring at me, a confused look on his face. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine." I nodded again, grabbing my things quickly before getting out of the car. My knees were shaky as I stood, telling him my usual goodbye before he drove away. Turning to walk towards my house, I felt everything beginning to shake from head to toe. I felt faint, weak and that was before I even got to the front door.

It was unlocked as I slowly turned the knob, taking a few steps inside before it all hit me at once. Seeing my father on the phone, speaking lowly in Spanish as my mother sat on the couch, her eyes void of any emotion. I knew something terrible had happened before they even said a word.

My father barely noticed me as I dropped all my things, making my way over to my mother. Kneeling in front of her I gripped her hands in mine.

"_Mama_?" I squeezed her hands. There was no reply. "Mom, tell me." I could feel the lump rising in my throat. I had no idea what had happened, but I knew it wasn't good.

"Mom!" I yelled, snapping her out of her daze. Her eyes lowered to meet mine before she moved one of her hands to touch my cheek gently. She said no words before tears started streaming down her face.

"What...what is it?"

My mother's eyes left mine momentarily as she glanced towards my father before coming back to me "_Mija,_" she began, but wasn't able to continue before she started sobbing uncontrollably again "_Ay, mi hijo, porque mi hijo!" _She was beyond hysterical, placing her head in hands as emotions overtook her body. I had heard what she said, but I didn't understand.

Standing, I went towards my father who had just hung up the phone.

"_Papi_, what's going on?"

"Lucinda," his voice was soft, but thick with emotion. "_Mija_, we got a phone call about an hour ago…it's Carlos."

"No! Don't you dare tell me…?" I backed away from him, but he was faster gripping my arms as he looked at me, his own facial expression telling me what I feared the most.

"No, no you're lying dad! You're lying!" I screamed, his grip only tightening around my arms before pulling me against him, embracing me tightly.

All I could do was scream as I tried to move out of his grasp, but he wouldn't let me go.

"What happened?" I regained control long enough to ask.

"I don't think you should…"

"_Tell me!_" I hissed, pushing against his chest one more time. I not only surprised him, but myself as well. I never acted this way with either of my parents, never daring to show any form of disrespect.

This time though he let me go. He looked at me helplessly and I knew he was debating himself. It was never an easy task to tell someone such horrific news.

"Someone wanted to send a message," he began and it took all I had to not keel over from just that one statement. Sending a message is what they had done through me, through _rape_ to get Carlos into this in the first place "a deal went bad between two groups and someone came looking for Carlos this morning at your _Tia _Carmen's house….he said he didn't have whatever money they were looking for…it wasn't the answer they were looking for…two shots…each were fatal." I only caught bits and pieces as continued. When he was done, I felt myself sliding to the ground, as choking sobs that mirrored my mother's racked my body as I pulled my legs in toward my chest.

Air was coming out in short gasps as I tried desperately to control it, but I failed miserably. The tightening in my chest grew more prominent and before I knew it darkness had washed over me.

I welcomed it with open arms.

******

The next thing I knew, there was a lot of commotion coming from somewhere above me and it took a lot of effort to open my eyes back up. Opening them back up sent me right back into reality and the tears automatically started flowing down my cheeks at a rapid pace.

I was barely aware of the things around me. I could hear my father talking and then another male voice. At first I couldn't pinpoint it, but I soon came to recognize it as Dr. Cullen after a minute or two. I wondered what on earth he was doing here.

They kept talking and I felt someone coming closer to me, their hands barely touching mine. Even half conscious I knew it was Jasper right away. He didn't say anything to me though.

He was just looking at me, a helpless look on his face as he eyes searched mine for some sort of answer.

I couldn't give him one. I refused to.

"Don't look at me like that Jasper," I attempted to sit up some more "they're lying to me. I know they are. My brother's alive," I nervous laugh escaped my lips. "Whatever they tell you, it's not true. Don't believe them Jasper."

He remained silent, peering over at something behind me. He had a confused look on his face after a few seconds.

"Lucinda," I saw dad and Dr. Cullen coming closer to me and it looked like he was holding something in his hand.

Something that oddly resembled a needle.

"What are you doing with that?" I tried to move but I was trapped "_Por favor _dad why are you doing this?"

"Lucy," Jasper wrapped his arm around me "it's going to help you." I could hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Help me what!" I writhed in his grasp, but he wouldn't let me go. All I ended up doing was twisting so that I was facing him, my face buried in the crook of his neck as his father continued to come towards me with that needle.

"Why are they doing this Jasper?" I mumbled against him. "They're the ones who are lying, not me. He's not dead!" I gasped as I felt Dr. Cullen's hands on my leg, gently moving my skirt a bit.

"Please, please don't let them touch me…" Fear suddenly began mixing with everything. My parents had believed me that I had fallen and that's why I had that cut on my leg, but Carlisle was a doctor and he'd know the moment he saw it.

"Please," I gripped his shirt, trying to move away from Dr. Cullen, my legs moving about in almost a frantic manner as I tried to avoid the shot "don't let them Jasper!" I clung to him tighter, glancing up him.

"Fucking hell Lucy, don't look at me like that." He seemed to be having an internal battle with himself.

He finally looked over at his father "Carlisle, don't." he spoke through clenched teeth.

"No, son. She needs this." Carlisle didn't back down; this was his job after all.

"_Lucinda, por favor._" My father looked at me from across the room, where he was standing with his arm wrapped around my mother. She had her face buried in his chest, her sobs still racking her tiny frame.

"Please _mija_." He was pleading with me, something my father _never _did. He was always so in control of things and to see him like this, weak and fragile, was too much for me to handle.

It was that look that helped me make my eventual decision.

This was the only I could help my parents.

"Fine," I squeaked, my entire body trembling. I didn't want it, but someone had to be strong right now and my parents were too overcome with grief to even think straight.

"Please don't let me go." I clung to Jasper like he was my life support.

I knew it wasn't fair to him, especially now that I knew about his hatred of blood and needles. Yet, he merely nodded quickly, his grip tightening a bit around my neck as he held me closer to him.

I felt again as the hem of my skirt was lifted a few inches, enough where some of my upper thigh was exposed but not high enough where the cut had been. The entire time, I repeated in my mind that this was just Dr. Cullen, a doctor who was trying to help rather than just a man who happened to have his hands lingering on my skin.

I wanted him to just get it over with. I was able to hold my breath for a few moments but, he seemed to be doing this rather slow.

"Just so it!" my patience suddenly wore thin as I screamed at the kind doctor. He didn't flinch and not soon after, I felt the needle plunge into my skin and before I could stop, I let out a scream as the medicine filled my system. It was warm and it stung like hell.

When he was all done, I found myself still screaming and crying hysterically both from the shot and all the terrifying thoughts that were going through my mind. I knew deep down that Dr. Cullen would never hurt me, but that didn't stop me from completely freaking out.

"Get, away.." I pushed his arm weakly "get away from me!" I sobbed, energy suddenly failing as I felt my eyes getting heavy.

I was barely aware of Jasper telling me something in my ear before I succumbed to darkness once again. It sounded awfully like 'it's going to be okay.'

Well, he was a liar that's for sure! It was in no way going to be okay. I don't see how it could ever be okay after today.

As I faded in and out of consciousness for the next couple hours, I felt myself teetering between fantasy and reality. In my fantasy Carlos was still alive, standing right in front of me, telling me this was all a joke and that he was still alive and well and that he was going to come see me soon. And then there as my reality; a reality that I didn't want to acknowledge what so ever.

In reality, my brother was dead, brutally taken away from me like nothing.

But, it was _everything_. My brother was my best friend, my protector and now he was gone. How would I ever be able to go on without him?

******

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I woke up again. I felt groggy and disoriented.

When I finally pried my eyes open the sun had already set and a grim shadow was cast over my bedroom. Even though I couldn't see very much I could still feel that I wasn't alone.

Sitting up, I pressed my hand against my forehead in hopes of calming the monster headache I had. I had never experience it before, but it almost felt like I was hung over or something to that effect.

I had no idea what Dr. Cullen had given me, but it seemed to have done a number me.

"Oh God," I moved my hand and covered my mouth tightly as this afternoon's events flashed before my eyes. I could feel my stomach twisting, a pain hitting me that I had never felt before.

I felt like I was going to be sick and, as I attempted to get up off the bed, I nearly fell flat on my face.

That didn't happen though. Before my body even left the mattress, there was a hand wrapping around my upper arm and pulling me back.

"Let go," I squeaked, turning quickly. Hot tears fell down my cheeks as I squinted to make out the figure beside me.

After a moment and, after taking a few deep breaths, I realized that it was Jasper sitting beside me on the bed. It didn't make any sense. My father had set explicit instructions for Jasper to never step foot inside of my house and yet he was sitting right next to me.

_You really think your father would be concerned about him at a time like this?_

No, no I guess he wouldn't. God, I was so stupid sometimes.

"Jasper, what are you doing here?" I asked lamely. His grip loosened on me a fraction, but he didn't let go.

"You asked me to stay with you remember?"

When I stared at him blankly he continued. "Your father brought you up here after Carlisle gave you that shot. You," he took a deep breath "you started screaming for me."

"I did?" That didn't sound like me at all. "I'm so sorry." I shook my head, twisting out of his grasp. "You didn't have to stay."

"And why the fuck not?" he shot back, his voice low. "You _asked _me to stay Lucy. You never ask me for anything. Why in hell would I leave you at a time like this?"

"Why are you angry with me?" I whispered. "I…please don't be angry with me."

He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "I'm not mad at you damn it, I just…well shit I don't know."

I nodded, slowly lowering my body back onto the bed, wanting the darkness to come back. I couldn't handle this right now. Of course I was thankful for Jasper staying with me, but I still refused to believe the truth.

I voiced those thoughts. "He's not dead," I turned on my side and looked at Jasper "I would feel it, in here." I placed my hand over my chest lightly.

"Lucy," Jasper hedged, almost like he didn't know what to do with me.

"We're very close. Wouldn't you think I'd be able to feel it?"

"You did remember?"

I knit my brows, staring at him for a second before a startling realization hit me. A truth so devastating that I squeezed my eyes tightly and felt my breath coming out in short pants.

"The feeling I had when he called," I choked out "I didn't want to think anything of it. Oh God Jasper, I should've called and told him….this is all my fault!"

"Hey," he spoke firmly, leaning closer to me and placing his hand on my cheek "do _not _blame yourself for what happened. You had no idea Lucy, no fucking idea. I will not let you do this to yourself."

His touch was too warm to pass up. I leaned into his touch, not caring that this would most likely complicate things any further between us. I didn't care, I needed it right now.

I needed him.

We stayed in this position for what seemed like forever, my eyes scanning the room as Jasper occasionally brushed his thumb over my cheek.

"What is that?" I nodded towards something by my door.

He didn't even look. "A suitcase, your mom packed it for you while you were sleeping."

My eyes flickered back towards him. "How long have you been here with me?"

"About four hours."

"Oh," I looked down sheepishly "what else?"

"You are leaving early tomorrow morning. That's what your mom told me."

"How…how is she?"

He seemed pained as he thought about it. "She's fucked up Lucy. She's not in the right frame of mind."

"She's doing what needs to be done. I should be up helping her. I don't know why they gave me that shot." I felt anger creeping in my veins. "I need to be helping."

I tried to move, but he wouldn't let me. "You aren't going anywhere."

"You're not the boss of me," I pouted "this is my job. Carlos is my family too."

"You can't do this to yourself Lucy." His patience seemed to be wearing thin with me.

I could feel my eyes growing heavy once again, the medicine apparently still running through my system.

Feeling my lids drooping, I gave in to his request. "I'm so sleepy Jasper. Why?"

His other hand came up so that my face was between both his hands. "It's the shot. It's supposed to help you sleep…keep you calm."

"How can I sleep?" I whimpered "I'm too sad, I don't want to believe it…" I shook my head.

"I know Lucy, I know. I wish I could tell you or give you something more, but I can't. I have no fucking idea what to tell you that would make things better."

"Tell me he's alive?" I asked hopefully, but when he shot me a knowing glare I felt my cheeks heat up.

"Right," I yawned, "he's gone." Two words and I could feel the tears building once again. A few fell down my cheeks and onto Jasper's hands. He didn't say anything, just brushed them away gently.

"Sleep Lucy, you're going to need to be well rested for the next few days."

I nodded. He would know I guess.

"Can I sleep now?" My mind was spinning again and, even though I didn't want to, I knew Jasper was right.

My parents, my entire family was going to be devastated and it was going to be up to me to make sure things were planned correctly and taken care of. They wouldn't force me, but I just knew they would expect me to help them.

It was our culture, the way our family worked. Sure everyone would try and help out, but I had a feeling things were going to be put on my shoulders.

I had to be strong and somehow detach myself long enough to make it through the next few days. If I could do that then…well, I wasn't really sure what would happen after that.

That wasn't important at the moment, so I pushed that to the back of my mind as I my eyes began to drift shut again.

I didn't want Jasper to leave me, not by a long shot, but I knew it wouldn't be fair to ask him to stay any longer. It would only be selfish of me.

"Thank you," His face was a bit hazy as sleep started to come quickly "you're amazing."

I could make out him shaking his head, his breath fanning over my face a few seconds later as his lips came in contact with my forehead. I was too far gone, my mind elsewhere, to even think what that small gesture could mean.

"Please sleep Lucy," He seemed to be pleading with me "can you promise me that?"

"Yes anything," I felt his hands leave my face, my body missing the contact immediately. He stood up off the bed and pulled back the blankets.

I clumsily crawled underneath them and lay my head on the pillow.

Jasper pulled the blankets up around me, pushing some of my hair out of face. "Bye Lucy."

I mumbled something to him and, in what felt like seconds, he was gone. I buried my face deeper against the pillow, Jasper's scent surrounding me faintly.

"Please help me," I begged silently, praying that the strength would come to me somehow.

I had just lost the one person in this world who had meant more than anything. What was left for me now? How long before I lost it, completely snapped because of guilt and pain?

My guess was that it wouldn't take long.

* * *

**And there you have it my lovely readers. **

**Tragedy always seems to strike Lucy and her family. **

**I would love to know what you thought.  
**


	28. Beauty From Pain

**AN: Thank you everyone for the reviews last chapter, they were love as always. **

**Sorry for the delay with this one, but I had a bit of a difficult time with it. **

**To CatieLardin for being my 200th review, love yah babe!  
**

**As always, all I own is Lucy.**

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**Chapter 28: Beauty from Pain**

**The lights go out all around me  
One last candle to keep out the night  
And then the darkness surrounds me  
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died  
And all that's left is to accept that it's over  
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made  
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder  
I feel like I'm slipping away**

**Lucy**

The following morning came quickly, the sun streaking through my window being what ultimately woke me up.

I sat up, my eyes flickering around the room as I tried to make sense of everything that was going on. It still didn't feel real to me. It still felt like this was some horrible joke, or an awful nightmare that I refused to wake up from.

But deep down I knew it wasn't any of those things.

My brother was gone and he was never coming back.

Though the sun's rays cast a beautiful light inside of me room I couldn't feel any of it. I showered quickly, not knowing when we were leaving exactly. As I sifted through my closet for something to wear my hands immediately grabbed the first black shirt and pants I saw.

I had endured enough death in my life to know what to do without being told. When I was younger it wasn't really required, but now that I was older it would be expected.

I never understood why people had to wear black when someone died. Was it supposed to represent the guilt and anguish that we felt? My guess was yes.

Slipping on my clothes I threw some more things into my suitcase before I was all ready for all that was awaiting me downstairs. Rolling it down the hall I thought back to the night before, but it wasn't about the phone call delivering the news about my brother.

No, I thought about Jasper and everything he did for me yesterday.

After everything he had been through, after everything he had already done for me, he still helped me last night.

I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind, but yet he stuck around because I merely asked him.

All I could think about was the way he looked at me before he left. It was a mixture of anger and pain. I wondered if he saw himself when he looked at me. I'm pretty positive I looked horrible, the grief hitting me non-stop.

Yet he still stayed.

But, that really didn't matter this morning.

No, the second I stepped down the stairs and saw my parents sitting on the couch side by side, I knew I had a job to do.

Though I was in no way prepared for what was to come I put on a brave façade and walked over to them, sliding in between them and taking their hands in mine. My mother squeezed my hand tightly as she rested her head against my shoulder while my father continued staring straight ahead of him.

As much as I didn't like being in such close proximity to them, I knew that I had to push all that to the back of my mind.

My family needed me and that was that.

"We have a plane to catch," my father stood just as the doorbell rang "do you have everything Lucinda?"

I nodded, but wasn't really sure what it would be that I would need. My mother had packed everything so I'm sure I would be fine.

Someone that my parents knew from the church had come this morning to give us a ride to the airport. I had seen him a few times before, but I was by no means comfortable enough to be that close to him.

So when he came to offer condolences I merely nodded and gave him a quiet thank you. I knew it wasn't proper of me, but I didn't really care. I didn't really know him and there was no way I was going to allow him to hug me, even if he was just trying to be kind.

As my parents helped put all our things in the car something suddenly dawned on me, something I'm sure my parents hadn't even thought about. Practically running back upstairs I sifted through my closet until I found an old photo album. I stuffed it in my bad knowing that there was a picture of Carlos in there with every member of our family.

It wasn't something I looked at often because it always hurt too much, but I knew I would be able to do something with these pictures for the funeral.

_Funeral_, God even that word seemed surreal. I could say it as many times as I wanted to in my mind, but it wasn't hitting me like I thought it would

That terrified me because I knew it was going to hit me when I least expected it.

Oh well that would just have to be something I would have to deal with when the time came. Again, I didn't really have much time to think about myself when I had much more important things to take care of.

I was back in the living room just as my parents walked in to grab the rest of their things. As soon as we had everything I walked outside with my mother, turning my head slightly to watch as dad shut and locked the door slowly before turning to us and getting into the car.

The ride to the airport took a little over an hour and even though I was still exhausted I couldn't find the will to fall asleep.

In all honesty I was pretty petrified of falling asleep. I knew I'd have nightmares if I closed my eyes and that wasn't something I was ready to handle.

Then again was I fully prepared to handle any of this?

It seemed like a lot was being put on my shoulders and I just hope that I wouldn't let anyone down.

If just this once I could be strong, then I could deal with the aftermath on my own time.

It was the least I could do for my parents.

I couldn't bring Carlos back, but at least I could just be there for them and help as much as possible.

******

Arriving back home wasn't what I expected at all. For some reason, in the realm of my childish fantasies, coming back home would bring a smile to my face.

Maybe it would have if we got off the plane Carlos would've been there greeting us rather than my aunt and two police officers. As soon as we came into sight the officers approached my parents and, after a brief mention of condolences, started firing questions at them as we gathered our suitcases and headed out to the awaiting car.

I walked behind them with my aunt, her arm looped through mine. It would've seemed like she was comforting me, but really it was the other way around. My _Tia _Carmen was strong, but death? Death brings out the weaknesses in people it seems.

I knew she was thinking about her daughter, Anna, and how yet again our family had lost someone way before their time.

Driving the short distance from the airport to our home was spent in relative silence. No one really knew what to say to each other. What could they say? Words wouldn't bring back my brother.

_Nothing _would bring back my brother.

Since we no longer had a home here we would be staying with my aunt and uncle for the next two days.

Stepping out the warm weather did little to soothe the sight that greeted me.

_This _is where it happened. This is where my brother's life had been so viciously taken away.

"Go Lucinda," my father gently pushed me when I froze in the front of the house. I didn't answer him I just merely continued my trek back into the house where I was greeted by more mourning family members.

While my parents were immediately ambushed by our family, I was able to slowly slip to the back of the house and down the hall.

I peered into each room until I found the room that my brother had been staying in over the past year or so. I knew it was his the second I walked in.

It was seemingly untouched, his things scattered about in typical Carlos fashion. Though by no means the tidiest person, my brother did have his little quirks that never went unnoticed by me.

Pushing the door open and shutting it softly behind me I let my eyes scan over the room, taking in as much as I could.

Though we no longer living in the same house nothing had changed.

I slowly made my way over towards his bed, throwing my bag down before gently sitting on the edge.

The second I did a weak sob escaped my lips and I couldn't fight the urge to lean down and lay my head on his pillow.

"Oh god," I clutched the pillow tighter, the faint scent of his cologne invading my senses.

It was starting to hit me, the fact that he was no longer here with me anymore.

While part of me understood this, another part refused to believe for a second that my brother was dead.

There was no sharp sense of guilt or grief in my heart, so how could he be dead?

_He's dead Lucinda. The quicker you realize it the better off you'll be. _

I didn't believe that for a second. I was already beginning to slowly crumble.

What more did I have to lose?

Someone, and I'm pretty certain I know who, had taken the most important person in my life away from me.

Without my brother in my life nothing else really mattered to me anymore.

"Lucinda," I barely glanced up as the bedroom door opened and my parents walked in. My mother immediately came to sit on the bed and buried her head in her hands after a few seconds while my father just walked around the bedroom, gingerly running his hands over some of Carlos' things.

"_Mija,_" my father looked at me, his eyes tired and broken "your mother and I have something to ask you."

I sat up, already having a sinking feeling as to what they were going to ask me.

"Tomorrow is the rosary, but your mother and I would appreciate it if you could write up a little something…"

"No," I stood quickly and shook my head "there's no way I can get up and speak in front of all those people. You guys know that." I was willing to do a lot of my parents right now, but this wasn't one of them.

I wasn't capable of handling something like that. "I can write something if someone else agrees to read it. I just can't get up there."

They surprisingly agreed and I was thankful beyond words.

The three of us sat in the room for what felt like forever, none of us saying anything.

There was nothing to say though. We knew the reality of the situation, there was no need to say it out loud.

Saying that my brother had been killed wasn't going to bring us any peace of mind and it sure as hell wasn't going to bring him back to us.

As much as I tried not to think about it all I saw when I closed my eyes was a million scenarios of what I thought happened to him. I didn't know which was worse. Me not being her to see it, or me being so far away when it happened.

Though I'm sure he wasn't alone in those final moments, a part of me felt extremely guilty over the whole thing.

Had I been stronger when everything happened, had I had enough courage to tell my parents the truth, then maybe we all would've been here together.

It may not have prevented Carlos' death, but at least we would've seen him one last time.

Resting my head on his pillow I felt fatigue plaguing my body once again, the desire to sleep this all away growing greater by the second.

Even though I knew when I woke up again everything would be the same, part of me wanted to believe otherwise.

Until I saw him for myself, I truly don't believe I was going to accept the fact that he was dead.

And even then there was no real guarantee that it would actually hit me.

Softly running my fingertips over the rosary bracelet Jasper gave me, I slowly slid my eyes closed and prayed for the strength to make it through these next two days.

I needed it not for me, but rather for my family.

I could already see it in their eyes. They were falling apart slowly and it was up to me to keep my parents together.

I just had to. It's what Carlos would've wanted.

And _that _would be my final gift to my brother.

Having failed him, this was the least I could do.

It wouldn't erase the past, but it was going to at least soften the amount of pain that would undoubtedly plague our hearts down for a long time to come.

All we had now was the future and the hope to make it through all of this.

I had a strong feeling that I wouldn't.

**Jasper**

When Lucy called me this morning, at seven fucking in the morning, I wasn't exactly the happiest person.

But when I heard her, her voice soft and tired, that all went to the back of my mind as my attention solely became fixated on what she needed.

She was leaving LA at nine and would need someone to come pick her up when she landed. When I foolishly asked her about her parents she quietly informed me that it would just be her coming, her parents not wanting her to miss her finals.

Which that was a bit fucked up in my opinion. I was fairly certain that the school would allow Lucy to make up her finals. I mean her brother had just died for Christ's sakes!

It was Monday now and our finals started the following day, but I had a feeling that Lucy wasn't going to be in the right frame of mind at all to take any kind of exam.

If she ended up failing, it was going to be all on her parents.

But I knew Lucy would blame herself is she did poorly in school, feeding me some bullshit about how it was her responsibility to be strong and take care of things.

Well fuck that, now was not the time for her to be strong for everyone else. No, she needed to work on keeping herself sane instead of letting a million thoughts run through her head.

Whatever the reasoning I didn't say anything, but rather agreed to pick her up at one thirty when her flight arrived.

Knowing there was no way I was going to get back to sleep now I forced myself to get out of bed and take a quick shower, hoping that the hot water would clear my mind.

I knew I had to be the strong one when I picked up Lucy, but I wasn't sure if I could do it.

Death and I weren't exactly the best of friends. I couldn't handle that shit. It was too hard for me. Even the mere mention of it took me back to the night my mother died and everything that transpired after that.

The shower didn't help, the knots still very much present in my stomach as I dressed and ultimately headed downstairs.

I was surprised to find Esme still home, sitting at the table drinking coffee and reading a book.

When she saw me her eyes widened and she immediately stood up. "What's wrong sweetie?"

Ever since Friday when she found out what happened, she was on nerves end about everything.

When Carlisle told her about the shot he had to give Lucy and how I sat and eventually stayed with her, she was both shocked and proud by my actions.

"Lucy called me," I sunk into the chair and she came closer, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Her parents are sending her home today, a day after the fucking funeral. Who the hell does that?"

I glanced up and watched a look of disapproval flash across her eyes before she calmed down.

"That's between them honey, there's nothing we can do about the choices they make."

"But it's fucked up." I just couldn't get past that. "How can they do that to her, do they honestly think she's in the right frame of mind to be dealing with school."

"Jasper, sweetie" she sat back down and looked over at me "you need to calm down. Lucy's probably going to need you today more than ever. It won't be to her benefit if you're all wound up about her parents. You just have to focus on her and trying to help her."

Well the focusing on only her wouldn't be that hard. I almost always thought about Lucy, especially over these past couple days. I would think about her at night when it was dead silent in the bedroom, wondering what she was doing at that very moment and if she was okay.

Of course I knew she wasn't okay, but I desperately wanted to believe that she was dealing with all of this with that hidden strength I knew she possessed.

More than anything, however, I wanted to know what she was going through the second she went back home. Would it bring back all those memories she had been keeping secret for four years, or would she not even be thinking about it?

How could she not? I mean for fuck's sake her brother was killed by someone, maybe even by the same person who _raped_ her.

That latter thought plagued my mind the rest of the day, even as I drove the hour drive to the airport.

The mere thought of her having to see that bastard again was enough to fuel the anger in my veins, almost to the point where I physically wanted to hurt someone or break something.

I wouldn't do that though. I just couldn't do that to Lucy.

She may have some strength in her, but she's pretty fucking fragile because of everything she's had to endure.

And I had a feeling that her brother's death was only going to bring her down even further.

It didn't take long for my assumptions to become a reality.

As soon as I saw her come into view, I felt that damn tightening in chest all over again.

"Fuck," I murmured lowly when she finally looked up and met my gaze.

With a sweater slung over her arm she was dressed in a simple sleeveless dress.

I would've found her fucking sexy, if it weren't for the look of complete anguish written all over her face.

"Hi," she pushed some of her behind her ears and hesitantly waited for me to say something.

Words completely failed me at that very moment. So instead I gave her a short nod, the two of us walking over to the baggage claim to pick up her things.

She didn't say a word as we walked to the car, but everything I wanted to know was right there in front of me.

She was torn down and completely void of any energy. It was clear to see that whatever had happened over the past two days was finally taking its' toll on her.

She probably wouldn't admit it, but I just knew that she had been pushing herself while away. She wanted to make sure everyone else was okay before even taking a glance at herself.

Which, by the looks of things, I knew she wasn't even worried about herself.

That, for some reason, led me to conclusion that _I _would have to be the one to worry about her.

Once we reached the car I opened the door for her, throwing her suitcase in the back before watching her slowly sink into the passenger seat. She mumbled something before I closed the door, quickly rounding the car to get inside.

Her head was tilted sideways, resting it against the window with her eyes closed.

Her breathing was slow and steady, but that didn't exactly ease my nerves as I took one more glance at her, turning the car on and pulling away from the curb.

The drive back was completely silent. I couldn't bring myself to turn on the radio for fear of it bothering Lucy. She looked like she was sleeping, but I knew she wasn't.

Every now and then her eyes would open, taking in her surroundings before closing them again.

I watched her every time she did it.

There were so many things I wanted to ask her, wanted to tell her but I couldn't bring myself to ask her a damn thing.

For all I knew she was on the verge of a breakdown and I didn't really feel like being the one who pushed her over the edge. I couldn't fucking do that to her.

Then again, maybe she needed it. From the looks of things it would seem as though she hadn't allowed herself any time to grieve on her own.

I knew some people dealt with death differently, but given the fact that they were so close to each other I was expecting her to be more openly and visibly upset over all of this.

She was trying to stop her emotions, but that shit was going to catch up with her real fast.

By the time we got back into town my head was practically spinning from all the thoughts going through my mind.

We drove through the relatively quiet streets, me about to turn on her street when she jolted up in her seat.

"No please," She glanced at me, eyes widened and panicked.

Thank God we were at a stop sign or else I would've probably crashed by her sudden look of fear.

"What's wrong?"

"Don't take me home." she whispered "I just…I just can't be there alone right now." she looked away from me, her gaze now fixated on her folded hands.

"I can take you to…well, I can take you to the house?" It was the only other place we could go to.

"Ok." She agreed quickly, almost too quickly. That's when I knew something was really off. Something I couldn't put my finger on. Of course she had been who said she didn't want to go to her house, but I didn't think she would so quickly agree to go someplace else.

I changed course and ended up in the driveway fifteen minutes later, getting out quickly and opening the door for her.

She timidly stepped out and followed me as we entered the house. I was glad that Carlisle was still working and that Edward wasn't home. That only left me to deal with Esme, but I knew she wouldn't pry what so ever.

Making our way into the living room, we came face to face with Esme who was in the process of arranging flowers on the table. When she saw us, well more so Lucy, her facial expression immediately changed.

It was natural reaction for her to go into this motherly stance. She was extremely fond of Lucy and she cared about her a lot. So I'm sure seeing her so upset was very difficult.

For an instant she looked like she was about to run up to her and just embrace her tightly, but when she gave me a questioning look I just shook my head.

As much as Lucy liked Esme, now just wasn't the time for hugs. Lucy was liable to get even more upset if she even so much as looked at her the wrong way.

"Come on Lucy." I nodded towards the stairs and she hesitantly nodded after a moment.

"Do you want me to make you something to eat Lucy?" Esme couldn't help herself and quickly asked as we began walking. Lucy turned and looked at her and shook her head and mumbled a quick 'no thank you.'

"Later then sweetie?" I could tell she was really trying not to press, but now that she knew how Lucy got when she didn't eat she wasn't about to have her passing out in her house.

I didn't want Lucy getting sick either, but I knew the more we pushed her the further she was going to shy away from us.

"Later Esme," I answered for her and motioned for Lucy to keep walking.

I glanced back, offering Esme some sort of reassurance that I would keep an eye on Lucy and made sure she didn't get sick. No words were spoken, but she seemed to understand what I was trying to tell her.

By the time we reached my room, I realized she had never been up here before. I opened the door for her and let her walk in first.

She took a few minutes to take in the room as she stood in the middle of everything. I caught her eyes glancing over towards the bookshelf that held books, music and other random things. Mostly, however, her eyes focused on the painting that was there.

The one _she_ had given me.

"You still have it." She sighed.

"Well of course I still have it. Not like I'm going to stash it away in my closet."

She just nodded as she sat on the edge of my bed and slipped her shoes off "Are you sure it's okay that I'm in here?"

"Of course it's fine Lucy. Don't worry about anyone out there. They're not going to bother you."

"I just…I don't want to be alone. Especially at home, I can't right now." She stood up and, without saying another word, walked over to the side of the bed and slowly lay down. She made sure to fix her dress, tugging on the hem so it wasn't revealing too much.

After staring at her for two seconds too long I decided to take the next step.

I approached the bed cautiously, kneeling down on the side she was on so I could look at her. She looked so damn tired that it was almost too much to handle.

I didn't want her to be like this, but I knew that she was probably having a really hard time. I needed to do something. Seeing her like this was bringing up far too many memories again and, somehow, I felt the need to protect her.

Even if that meant protecting her from herself.

"Lucy, can I….will you…" I looked down and away from her "Will you just let me fucking do something?" I glanced back up at and she was staring at me confused.

"Like what?"

I thought about it for a few moments. "Move over." I stood up and waited for her to move until she was almost in the middle of the bed.

I got on the bed and lay down beside her, leaving some room between us and waited.

"I'm here if you need me." I left it all up to her, there was no other way around it.

I didn't expect her to do anything to be honest. So I was caught off guard when I felt her scoot closer to me, slowly until I finally felt her barely touching me.

Even though she had come to me, I still wasn't lifting a hand yet. I didn't want to scare her off or anything.

But, when I felt her resting her head on me gently and her tiny frame beginning to shake slightly against me I knew that something was definitely wrong. Her arms were wrapped around herself as she continued to shake.

It wasn't a violent shake. No, it was more of a…well it was more of a fucking twitch. Almost like her body was doing whatever it felt like and she wasn't trying to stop it.

I honestly didn't know what the hell I should do. If I touched her she might fucking flip. If I didn't she would just spend the rest of the day in this state.

I couldn't let either one happen.

"Please…" She whispered, her tiny voice pulling me from my thoughts. "Please, make it stop."

I turned again so that I was completely facing her on my side and reached over so that my hand was barely on top of her slightly shaking one and whispered the words that I used to say to my mom on almost a daily basis.

"Everything's going to be okay, Lucy." I tried to make words sound as convincing as possible, but just like they did back then, those words meant nothing. They meant nothing because I was fucking lying to her.

I was lying to her, just like how I lied to my mom. What was I supposed to do though? She needed some sort of reassurance, even if it was a fucking lie.

With my hand on top of hers I gently rubbed tiny circles over hers with my thumb. Such a simple movement, but it seemed to be working.

Though still shaking she began to calm down, her eyelids beginning to droop heavily with each passing second.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't stronger." She mumbled, curling her knees tighter to her chest. "Please forgive me."

I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, but I didn't try to figure it out. She could've very well been sleep deprived and I didn't want to upset her more.

I lay there, as still as I possibly could, and just watched her. Though we weren't that close the proximity to each other was enough to calm the both of us down.

She was out less than ten minutes later, her hair flowing over her face as she buried her face deeper against the pillow.

When I knew she was out cold I reluctantly pulled my hand away from her, stood up and walked over to the closet and grabbed an extra blanket before bringing it back over to her.

I covered her, taking an extra second to glance at those legs of hers. As much as I hated myself for thinking it, I was coming to see that her legs were becoming my weakness on so many damn levels.

Knowing that she was safe and sound on the bed I quietly ventured back downstairs so that I could talk to Esme, the thoughts running even faster now.

She understood right away what I was trying to tell her and she attempted to calm me down somewhat.

"If she wants to talk about what happened while she was gone then just let her Jasper, but don't force her to. Just give her whatever she needs right now. Which, I'm sure that's just to get some rest sweetie. She's probably going through some intense grief right now."

"That's just it Esme, she's barely saying anything. And then she starts fucking shaking out of nowhere. I didn't know what to do. I mean, shit, I tried to calm her down as best I could but it's like she's not even all there. There's nothing in her eyes."

The grabbed her attention real quick. "It hasn't hit her yet." She concluded a few minutes later.

"What?"

"The fact that her brother is dead honey, it hasn't hit her yet. If anything I think she's in denial over everything. I'm sure the funeral and everything else was nothing more than a surreal dream to her. Even now, I doubt she's fully aware of everything."

I didn't like the way Esme was describing what Lucy was probably going through. It wasn't that I thought she was lying though. No, it was the opposite. I _knew _she was telling me the truth, trying to prepare me in some way.

"Do you think it's going to be bad when it finally hits her?" I asked, but already knew the answer. Of course it was going to fucking bad. How could it not? Lucy was so damn close to her brother that it seemed as though a piece of her had died when he did.

"Fuck, what do I do for her?"

She could only give me a sad smile. "Just be there for her. There's nothing much else you can do during times like these. People grieve differently and I have a feeling that when Lucy eventually comes to terms that her brother's gone the poor girl is going to break completely."

Well, fuck, I couldn't let that happen. Not if there was anything I could do to prevent it.

Before I could ask her my next question a loud scream made its' way downstairs from the bedroom.

Esme looked alarmed right away, shaking her head in understanding. "Do you need me to help you?"

I thought about it for a second, but decided against it.

"She trusts you Jasper, now go to her." She cringed when we heard another scream.

I took the stairs two at a time, swinging the door open just as I saw Lucy dropping to her knees at the foot of the bed and burying her head in her hands as sobs began to rack her tiny frame.

Shit, was this the moment where she was realizing everything?

I kneeled in front of her, gently trying to pry her hands away from her face, images of that afternoon she cut herself replaying in my mind as I found us in almost the exact same position.

"Lucy look at me," She dropped her hands, my heart clenching when I saw the thick tears rolling down her cheeks. "What the hell happened? I thought you were sleeping?"

She shook her head, dropping her hands and twisting them in her lap.

"I…I thought you had left me." She choked out, a slight blush creeping up her cheeks as she admitted. "I know it's stupid, but I just couldn't handle being alone. Not right now, now after I saw…" She trailed off, looking away from me as another thought seemed to hit her.

So that's why she was screaming? Because I had left her and not because she was coming to see that her brother was really dead? Shit, I should've just stayed with her.

"After you saw what?" I reverted back to her last abrupt statement, wanting to know just what in the world she was talking about.

She shook her head, attempting to play it off. "It's nothing Jasper."

That was the wrong answer. "Bullshit," I told her, internally cringing when I saw her wince. "Please Lucy I'm not mad at you. I'm just trying to help you."

I know Esme said to be patient and let her come to me, but patience wasn't my strong suit and I knew Lucy had the tendency to try and downplay things.

I knew something had happened at the funeral. Something she didn't want to tell me. It was all over her face, the fear of whatever the hell had happened.

And I had a feeling it went way beyond her brother or even seeing her family again.

"Lucy," I brushed some of her hair back, my hand resting on her cheek. "Tell me."

She swallowed nervously, trapping her lower lip between her teeth and just stared at me like a deer in headlights for a good minute or so.

"I saw him." Her words were low and rushed, but I heard them loud and clear.

"Saw who?" Though I already had a sinking assumption, I hoped I was wrong this time.

But when fresh tears began to well in her eyes I knew I was right.

"_Him_ Jasper…" She hedged softly, hoping I'd get it. "I saw him and….he…" Her lip was trembling with fear, fear I never wanted to see in her eyes ever again.

"He what?" I pressed as calmly as I could, but I could already feel the anger rising once again.

"He said that it was my fault that Carlos was dead."

And that was it, that's when the fucking floodgates opened.

She sank further to the ground, her agonizing sobs almost too much for me to handle.

"He told you _what_?" I hissed, gently lifting her chin so I could see her again.

"It is my fault Jasper!" She cried, shaking her head. "If I…if only I had…God, this is all my damn fault!"

She was losing it and I needed to do something to help her, and fast.

"Get up," I rose quickly, bringing her with me before pulling her into a tight embrace. She only cried harder, her hands pressed flat against my chest and her face buried in the crook of my neck.

"Lucy," I rubbed her back softly. "Tell me everything he told you."

I knew it wouldn't be easy for her, but she needed to tell me before this all became another repressed memory for her.

I wouldn't allow this fucker to break her more than she already was.

She nodded slowly and I silently prepared myself for what it was that happened during those two days.

Whatever it was, however, it had practically terrified her.

I couldn't see her like this. I couldn't let her continue to blame herself for something she had no control over what so ever.

"Okay," She pulled away from me, letting out a shaky breath as she watched me with helpless eyes.

Dear God give me the fucking strength to help her with this.

* * *

**If anyone's wondering why I skipped over the funeral, there's a high chance that it'll be mentioned in the next chapter. **

**Poor Lucy, she doesn't know what to do with herself & Jasper is having some trouble in his wanting to her. **

**Your reviews, as always, are love.  
**


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